I'm sorry you suffered like you did, but I'm thankful that you are at peace.
I'm sorry that I could not make you well, but I'm thankful that I made you FEEL better.
I'm sorry that you were alone when you breathed your last, but I'm thankful that my last act before you did was to smile at you and hold your hand for a few minutes.
I'm sorry that we shoved tubes down you, broke your ribs, and inflicted shock after shock on you. We were trying so hard to save you. I'm thankful that you could not feel it.
I'm sorry that you were subjected to being laid bare in a room full of strangers, but I'm thankful that you didn't know about it.
I'm sorry that I didn't go with my gut and insist that we drop a tube in you, get labs, or all the other things that I was dying to do but did not have the authority to do. I'm thankful that your doc consoled me with telling me that nothing I could have done by the time I got your case would have saved you. I'll be even more thankful when I stop feeling like I killed you.
I'm so very sorry that you weren't able to be saved, but I'm thankful that I got to know you before you were gone.
I have beat myself up over this case for 5 days straight. I have never before taken a look at a patient and immediately told the attending nurse that we needed to park the code cart next to the room. I don't know what made me do it this time. Call it a gut instinct. What I do know is that when the tones went off, no one had to tell me where to head.
Anyone else ever have a case that sticks with you like this? I haven't lost a patient in years, and I feel terrible. My head tells me that it was a Hail Mary by the time we were ever called on the case, my heart can't get past the fact that I was TALKING to this person not 30 minutes before I was bouncing on their chest.
I hate this. Does anyone else have aftermath after a code like this?
AngelfireRN, MSN, RN, APRN
2 Articles; 1,291 Posts
Katie, they could use a bedsheet, a pillowcase, a bath towel, their clothes. If they are determined enough, ANYTHING can be lethal.