I am the wife of a male student nurse and having trouble coping.

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Hello, I am the wife of a male student Nurse. He is about to finish his first month of school and we have had about 2 to 3 arguments since he started. We have been married 7 yrs and we had never argued like we argue now. I know that it is a demanding program, but my question is, does he have to spend every moment studying and not make time for me and our 2 children? I tell him to give us at least a couple of hours a week of his time but he refuses and rather be at the library or at school. I don't think I ask for much. I have been supportive and understanding but i do get frustrated and upset because I feel he has neglected us. And I don't know if i can go 2 yrs without a date night or a family night. Has anyone else gone through this? And what did they do to get through it? Thank you.

He said he doesn't want me to have any contact with his school, classmates or members of any kind. Which there alone brought up my jelousy streak. I am not a jelous person but when your husband tells you that, it brings up things. I know in my heart that he will never do any of that to me but he is saying things that look bad lol... He's not giving me any leverage here. I can't see him, i am not allowed to communicate with his classmates, i can't compromise, i am just suppose to sit on the sideline and watch.

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Specializes in Emergency, Telemetry, Transplant.
I disagree because yesterday he stayed home and i made sure nobody bothered him. He got 3 hours straight of studying with no interruptions. He actually seemed happy when he finished and told me to make us a cup of tea after worth. He took a brake, we drank some tea and watched a 1/2 Tv show together. It was pretty nice. So it is possible.

First, let me say that I hope this works out for you. You seems genuinely concerned for the well being of you family. I honestly believe that saying "deal with it" and "don't be selfish" are not helpful…and I really don't think you are being selfish to begin with.

As for studying at home…there can be issues. One time a classmate invited me to her house to study. She said "it's nice and quiet. My husband will be doing yard work, my son will be gone. I will be a perfect chance for us to get some studying done." Well, the yard work consisted of the husband splitting logs with a gas powered log splitter. The son was gone at first, but got home from his baseball game after an hour or so and proceeded to give mom a complete play by play. So what was billed as a quiet study time turned out to be neither quiet nor a study time.

I realize that you are going to do you very best to make sure you husband gets uninterrupted study time; however, that does not always often. Is kid going to go running into the room "daddy, daddy?" If the kids are outside playing, what happens if one starts crying horribly. I'm not sure of the physical set up of your home, but I would think you husband would be distracted if one of his children were outside crying. What happens if he goes to the restroom and the pipes under the sink start leaking? The library is not distraction free, but studying at home can be very difficult. He may not be to clear these potential distractions at home from his mind, and it might not be the best place for him to study.

I agree with you and your therapist that he should budget more time for your family and you.

However, if he is only one term in, school could still be a bit overwhelming for him, so, as I said before, try giving him some time. And remember, school is only temporary. I know it's tough, but it won't last forever.

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Specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.

The part that does not add up is the needing therapy after just one month and the use of the word "neglect".

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Specializes in Operating Room.

I'm currently a nursing student and I completely understand your frustration. What I can tell you is that he isn't trying to neglect you and I guarantee he wouldn't RATHER spend his time at the library instead of with his wife and children. He would probably rather be at home, enjoying his family, enjoying his life. I spend basically all of my time studying, and I can tell you its draining. Physically and emotionally, I am exhausted. I stay up until at least midnight every night, and I have to wake up every morning by 6. I go to school 4 days a week, most days for around 4-8 hours and have an 8 hour clinical every week that requires a clinical prep the night before, which usually takes me around 4-6 hours.

The amount of work they expect us to do in the time they give us is honestly not possible, and our professors have acknowledged there is probably no way we can read every page of every chapter and retain EVERYTHING. So I learned quickly a big part of nursing school (for me) was learning to determine what is important and what isn't. That isn't easy and I still struggle with that because everything seems important (and everything is). The tremendous amount of work that is constantly thrown on nursing students is so overwhelming sometimes I look at my planner and I just want to crawl in a hole and hide from it all. I ask myself WHEN am I EVER going to find the TIME to do ALL of this?? Nursing school can make a person feel really defeated and really overwhelmed. There are many days where I feel like I don't know anything at all and there are many days where I feel like I'm never going to know anything. And there are many days where I feel like I am letting everyone around me down. My family and friends all want to see me and spend time with me, and I can barely find time for myself. I only showered 3 times last week and when I ran out of groceries I basically ate granola bars until the weekend..(unhealthy i know)

All the demands of life really add up and when you are thinking about all the work you have to do and all the other stuff you have to get done, it is overwhelming, stressful, and exhausting. The time it takes to go grocery shopping, do the laundry, fold it, clean the house, take a shower, stop at the bank, and drive time everywhere, etc. adds up to a lot of time, time taken away from studying (and I already don't have ENOUGH time to study). Every time I do something that isn't studying, I feel guilty. I feel like I am missing out on key information I need to know to be a good nurse. What nursing school demands from a student is unlike any other major, and I'm not here to knock any other majors, but it isn't comparable and it's often hard for others who haven't experienced the program to relate to. I have a test or exam everyday. I have at least one exam every week. My exams usually cover 3-7 chapters and each chapter is around 50-100 pages. Our professors covered these lectures in 100+ page powerpoints which basically had a few pictures and didn't explain anything. I found nursing school was really difficult because it's a whole new academic world and there isn't a whole lot of explanation. They just kinda throw you in and say well good luck!

I want to go to the movies, I want to go out to dinner, I want to spend this weekend outside (because it's finally nice!) But if I want to make it through nursing school, I have to sacrifice all of that, and I do it for my family and for OUR future. Nursing school is by far the most demanding experience of my life, and as much as I love it, I sometimes despise it. And if it wasn't for having my family as a support system I wouldn't make it through. I understand where you are coming, I don't think you are asking for much, but because nursing school demands SO much, it can make a nursing student feel like they have nothing left to give. We were also told to make a schedule. I can tell you that the chances of me winning the lottery are higher than me "sticking to the schedule" because theres just no possible way to get everything done. I would need to be able to live without sleep and food and have a photographic memory to stick to the schedule. All the happy stuff they told you at orientation, thats a bunch of BS. Sorry, but it is and they know it is too.

Give it some time, like you said it's only the first month. This is a new environment and a new experience and it takes time to adapt and learn the ropes. Right now he needs you more than ever and he needs you to be his support system. I know that isn't easy and it means you both have to make some big sacrifices. Some of those sacrifices include spending time together while he's in school. It will be worth it in the end and it does go by fast! I know you are trying to be understanding and I know its difficult and if going to counseling helps you thats great! But your experience and his experience on this situation are very different. Try and remember this is the man you married, this is the man you love, do you think he would intentionally neglect you? If the answer is no, then try to view this situation in a different light and not as neglect, as thats a pretty harsh word. If my significant other told me today I'm neglecting them, I think I would just lose it and break down. I'm trying so hard but I can't do everything, and I need someone to hold it together for the both of us.

I wish you both the best of luck, I know this is difficult. Be proud of him, he is taking on a really difficult task and it isn't easy. Give him some time to get the hang of it :) In the meantime, find some things that make you happy while you are waiting for him to finish!

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Specializes in Primary Care, Progressive Care.

I remember my BSN nursing school days while reading ur post and realized i'm happy to be DONE with it. Back in those days, u wouldn't find me anywhere else but school, library, coffee shop, or home. I always gotta study. No amount of studying made me confident. It was very stressful. So for now remember these words: For better or for worse? I'm assuming these were included in ur vows.

But i also understand how u feel. My hubby is in a very stressful job right now and hardly have time for me. But he tries to make me happy once in a while like take me out to dinner and such. But that's very rare... Most times i try to understand the circumstances. Hoping the circumstances would change.

I know this is a diffcult time for you... But he is also trying to finish school for the future of his family... Which includes you. Cheer up! Try to enjoy life as much as u can... Even if that means u have to go to the park with ur baby alone. He will be done with school eventually. Then there would be more time for family trips and such.

Best of luck!

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Nope, no problems with his pre reqs. He always manage to choose his schedule his classes to his convinced.

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I have some feedback...

The first month in nursing school is ninety to nothing.... If I had to guess, your husband hasn't stuck to his schedule because he is getting a swift kick of reality, which is that the learning curriculum in health sciences (nursing, med school, whatever) is hard and fast, and as a previous poster has mentioned, builds on itself. At least give him the freedom to get his bearings during his first semester. It may take him the entire four to five months to come up for air.

After that time, I think it is perfectly reasonable to expect a reevaluation between the two of you, because at this time he knows what the commitment looks like and he will have the hindsight to manage his time more realistically for you and your family.

You have a tough pill to swallow. If I were in your shoes, I would be asking myself some questions, and dig deep:

What is my partner's intention here?

What are my partner's challenges?

Do I fully understand the demands he faces at this time?

Does my partner have a good reason for being absent?

Am I strong enough to provide basic needs? Can it be done?

What are my basic needs?

Who can I depend on in a tight squeeze for basic needs?

What are my resources and where can I find them?

Am I willing to extend myself and step out of my comfort zone for the greater good?

Would my partner be willing to extend himself while I execute my own goals for the greater good?

Is two to four years temporary or is it permanent?

What does marriage mean to me?

What does marriage mean to my partner?

Are we genuinely in this together?

Two to four years from now, will this window of challenge be worth it?

Will this challenge make us stronger, or break us down?

Am I willing to stick around to find out?

Why am I willing/not willing to stick around to find out?

If you answered these questions honestly, you may find that you love your husband and your husband loves you. You may have realized that this is just another one of those building blocks in the journey of life, and that it is transient, as most things are.

As unlikely as this sounds, maybe you could shadow your husband for a day. I think it would be so much easier for you to wrap your head around how consuming this has been for him if you stepped into his shoes for perspective. Perhaps even sitting in on one class would be a huge eye-opener for you.

If, in the end, you decide this just isn't worth it for you and your children, then you have a big decision to make. I find it odd that the demands of his education weren't discussed prior to now; maybe they were and you just didn't mention it, or you haven't reached back to those conversations. Maybe you've had other issues that predated him attending school and this is just another notch on the bed post. I have no idea. Whatever your stories are, I hope I've helped at least a little.

You sound frustrated and hurt, but not selfish. Good luck to you... I hope you find some solace in counseling.

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Specializes in SICU, trauma, neuro.

I've only read through the first page of replies...but I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Yes, nursing school is very time-intensive and is a foreign way of thinking for most people. But NO downtime whatsoever?

I had a baby halfway through nursing school; I took care of her while I was home. At the time, my grandma was still hosting Sunday dinner at her house an hour away from us; I went. I met my sister for coffee. One classmate I was close with, we had with her husband over for dinner. We had very few formal date nights, but my husband and I would pack up the baby and go for walks, go to Barnes & Noble for coffee and read, go to dinner. We even took a weeklong trip to visit my husband's sister and family over spring break the following year. And I worked part-time.

Is there compromise? Yes. We ate less homecooked food than I would have liked to serve. I didn't exercise. I definitely didn't sleep 8 hours a night!! We spent less fun time together than other newlyweds did. But to say "it is what it is. nursing students have NO life outside of class. So their spouses can expect no marriage for the next 2-4 years" is not reasonable.

I managed to graduate with mostly A's. I think I had a 3.96 at the start of my RN-to-BSN completion program.

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the difference between you and my husband is that he doesn't do any errands or anything. I take care of the house the kids, his meals his clothing, i even cleaned out his car the other day because it was full of coffee mugs and water bottles. I send him to class with a nice lunch, nice white iron uniform, books and supplies ready at the door. I lay his clothes out so he can get a few extra minutes of sleep. I have dinner ready at home when he does come home for dinner. I pay all the bills, go to the groceries, i run all errands and all chores. I am in charge of the kids. He doesn't work he does NOTHING, but go to school and study. So when I see people like you that can do all that and! go to school, i think he can squeeze in some family time. So keep up the good work!;)

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the difference between you and my husband is that he doesn't do any errands or anything. I take care of the house the kids, his meals his clothing, i even cleaned out his car the other day because it was full of coffee mugs and water bottles. I send him to class with a nice lunch, nice white iron uniform, books and supplies ready at the door. I lay his clothes out so he can get a few extra minutes of sleep. I have dinner ready at home when he does come home for dinner. I pay all the bills, go to the groceries, i run all errands and all chores. I am in charge of the kids. He doesn't work he does NOTHING, but go to school and study. So when I see people like you that can do all that and! go to school, i think he can squeeze in some family time. So keep up the good work!;)

Sorry, he sounds really lazy and you sound like a doormat. He doesn't work or do anything around the house or take care of the kids? ONLY goes to school, and he still can't make time for you?

Do you wipe his butt for him as well?

I was with you all in the beginning but the more this plot unfolds it sounds kind of ridiculous.

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Specializes in AGNP.

Did you do all that type of stuff for him before he started school? If so he had the expectation that you would continue to keep doing all the household/daily tasks once school started up.

I agree that school is intense especially the first semester when you are getting your bearings. It may take him awhile to get used to being a nursing student. Maybe he feels like since he works on the weekends he has to cram as much studying as possible in during the week?

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Well I am trying to be supportive, to make this program easier for him. I only started doing this when he started the program because they told us at the orientation that it would be hard and we should help. He is a good husband and father. I just started doing this when the program started.

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