I am the wife of a male student nurse and having trouble coping.

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Hello, I am the wife of a male student Nurse. He is about to finish his first month of school and we have had about 2 to 3 arguments since he started. We have been married 7 yrs and we had never argued like we argue now. I know that it is a demanding program, but my question is, does he have to spend every moment studying and not make time for me and our 2 children? I tell him to give us at least a couple of hours a week of his time but he refuses and rather be at the library or at school. I don't think I ask for much. I have been supportive and understanding but i do get frustrated and upset because I feel he has neglected us. And I don't know if i can go 2 yrs without a date night or a family night. Has anyone else gone through this? And what did they do to get through it? Thank you.

I'm probably going to get flamed for this but I think you have totally valid concerns and your husband is acting inappropriately. He's in his first semester. If he's so overwhelmed that he must spend every waking moment studying, this does not bode well for the rest of his schooling.

I'm not saying I'm typical but I worked fulltime during my 4 year BSN program. So I find it very strange that he is so adamant about not being at home. Why can't he have dinner at home and then pop back to the library? Something just seems off.

I think counseling would be good. Then you can vent your feelings to someone else and perhaps the counselor can help come up with ways to therapeutically communicate with your husband.

I won't flame you, I thought this as well.

Just didn't want to be the first to say it.

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Specializes in ICU.

I think that's a little ridiculous. I graduated at a 3.89 GPA and I had time to hang out with friends and do things every week, sometimes multiple days a week. I think if he really wanted to, he could make time for you.

That being said, if he is that early into the nursing school process, maybe he is still figuring out how and what material to study. Once he organizes his time a little better, he may be able to figure out a study routine so that he can make time for you. The idea for you to help him study is a good one. I have found that I really understand something when I can explain it to other people, so he may benefit from that.

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Specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.

Wait. He has been in school ONE MONTH and you are already seeing a therapist for neglect, yet you claim everything was hunky dory prior to school? Something isn't adding up.

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Specializes in Emergency, Telemetry, Transplant.
I think that's a little ridiculous. I graduated at a 3.89 GPA and I had time to hang out with friends and do things every week, sometimes multiple days a week. I think if he really wanted to, he could make time for you.

I had a great GPA in nursing school ,and still felt like I had plenty of free time. OTOH, there were people who would spend most of their time studying and they would barely pass. I don't think it is fair to apply the standards of you and I (with lots of free time) to the OP's husband. He knows that he may only have one shot at nursing school and he does not want to wash out because he didn't give his all. I don't think the OP is being selfish; however, I think expectations are a bit off. The OP expected her husband to go to school and still see him able to make time for family. The husband, at this point, feels that he needs to study at much as he does so that he can be successful. Perhaps as he goes through school, he will need to spend less time at the library. I know it is easy for me to say, separated from the situation, but I say to give him a bit a latitude for now.

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Nursing school is hard and stressful and does take a lot of time, but if it's really true that he is spending ALL his time studying, then he might not be managing his time all that well. I am also in my first few months and I spend at least a couple hours each night relaxing with my husband. What kind of program is it? If it's accelerated then it may be the case that it's necessary to spend that much time. Otherwise, he needs to learn to maintain a work/life balance. Hopefully it is just anxiety about doing well and he will hit his stride soon and figure out what is worth spending time on and what isn't. I made flash cards from the readings at first, now I'm happy if I just get the readings done before class.

On the other side of the coin, sometimes families need to make sacrifices for a time to meet certain goals. My dad was a ship captain that would be overseas for months at a time. So at least he comes home. If he can't cut back the studying, maybe he can at least try to be home most of the time while he studies and you can read a book while he studies or something like that.

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I didn't want to go to his school orientation, they told him he had to take his support team and his family so i just went without the kids because we didn't want any distraction from our children. His school is very nice and gives the family members a lot of communication. They told all the students not to neglect their support team or their families. They said it was important to be attentive to the family. That it would be hard but not impossible. I can't believe that i come here for some good help advice from maybe spouses that have gone through the same and i get said to that i sound selfish. Well to be honest you are sounding a little slefish right about now because it's all about you, you the nurse there is no compromise. And he school and my therapist had said there should be compromise. Maybe that's why there are a lot of divorces in this program because the students neglect their support team or family members. That's not what they said to all of us in the orientation.

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Yes for 7 years thank god we have had a wonderful relationship. And 2 wonderful children. he also did 2 1/2 years of pre req. And he always would get classes to were he could spend time with the children. So it can happen that a marriage can go 7 years without any major arguing ;)

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Thank you coriander ^_^ Yes i am trying to stay positive with all these new changes and i do try to spend as much time as i can with him. For example i to go to school, not nursing but pre and when i can i go with him to the library because he invites me to go with him of course. I guess it's just such a huge change that i think we just have to learn to adapt. And with all the post about divorce on here to puts me a little nervous to lol...

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That is exactly what I say to my husband. that he can study here instead of the library and i would make sure no one disturbs him. That way me and the children can at least see him even if we don't talk but at least we will feel like a family, just occupied. My children lo e to see him home studying lol... they say, "quiet, daddy is studying."

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Specializes in ICU.
Maybe that's why there are a lot of divorces in this program because the students neglect their support team or family members. That's not what they said to all of us in the orientation.

I think you have hit on a very important point here. A lot of people, especially medical professionals, get this overinflated ego because of their job. Or whatever they are studying. "My work/school is so important! I'm going to be a NURSE! I'm going to SAVE LIVES! I am MORE IMPORTANT than you!" They might not say the last part out loud, but they sure as heck think it.

Yes, we save lives as nurses, but it takes all types to run a world. I don't necessarily think any job is more important than the next. My guy is a truck driver and you know what? If it wasn't for him and people like him, I would never eat an orange or have wild-caught saltwater fish. We don't have those where I live.

Your husband may be a nursing student, but you are now raising kids full time pretty much alone, it sounds like, and that's a big job, too. Definitely a bigger job than being a student, IMO. I think you deserve the compromise you are looking for.

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Well i guess what a lot of you don't know is that he doesn't work all week. He has a part time job on Sat. and Sunday. So if you had time to work and go to school, i think he can make time to spend with the family and go to school.

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Thank you blond nurse 12

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