I am the wife of a male student nurse and having trouble coping.

caliotter3 · Mar 14, 2015

As the advice columnists would say, advise you to seek counseling. If he won't agree, then go on your own. You are headed for trouble if the two of you can't work this out. Something to consider: this is time limited, what if his actual job kept him away from the family for great lengths of time? He can quite possible carry this behavior over onto the job. Some people get so engrossed in their work (be it school or a job), that the family goes by the wayside, permanently. Ask yourself the advice columnist question: Am I better off with him or without him? Because he may force the issue early on. Good luck.

kalycat, BSN, RN · Mar 14, 2015

I would try to maximize family time during school breaks and plan time together around the syllabi, trying to schedule activities when not much is due or there isn't a test. Sorry to be blunt, but I just graduated, and I can tell you honestly that it is a tremendous commitment and the information builds on itself. I had time to have a life, so to speak, and spend some time with family and friends, but the initial transition and things like mid terms/finals were very tough, even though I had some background going in. I am an older student with kids and a family, and we spent time together somewhat, but sacrifices were definitely made. Many people find the journey to be pretty consuming as far as study goes, particularly if they are totally new to medicine in general. Also, part of nursing school involves learning to think like a nurse and to answer NCLEX style test questions, which is not easy. There is little memorization and a great deal of critical thinking under pressure involved.

It may get easier as your husband finds his study groove and determines what he absolutely has to study and what he can just skim, but until he sees the first few tests and figures out how to prioritize his study, the temptation will be to study EVERYTHING. That said, there is a lot of variation in how people manage the demands of nursing school, the rigor of the program, general academic performance in pre-req subjects, how much the person is working, and the amount of medical background the student has. Time management and stress management is important, for sure...but it is definitely a fairly immersive process, and the passing standard is extremely high. Most schools require minimum test grades in the 70s or low 80s just to stay in the program. I know that some people found nursing school less demanding than I did, but there is also a large portion of people who find it completely overwhelming. Browsing the student forums here to glean some perspective from others' experiences may be helpful.

I would continue to be as supportive as you can; it is really hard, as a nursing student, to explain what you are going through to people who aren't doing it themselves. I have two other degrees and honestly, it was the most time consuming program I ever completed, sometimes simply from a volume-of-work perspective. Best wishes to your family.

1koolRNchick · Mar 14, 2015

Be understanding for him. Cook him good and keep him healthy as he is really under high stress being in nursing school (and work?)

Stay calm, stay humble and carry on...âœŒï¸

Theotherone · Mar 14, 2015

I am a good understanding wife, I make him lunch, iron his uniform, have dinner ready when he gets home and not fuss about him studying to much. But would I have to go without a date night or family for the rest of his program? They told him to make a schedule, which he did and he added 2 nights for family or date night but he has not stuck to his schedule what so ever. I think we his support system also need time with him to refresh our ideas an plans. ?

Theotherone · Mar 14, 2015

I started going to counseling by myself to help me cope with his neglecting.

kalycat, BSN, RN · Mar 14, 2015

Wait, maybe I misunderstood; is he finishing his first month or first term of nursing school?

Theotherone · Mar 14, 2015

First month, 1 month. :yes:

dcwang · Mar 14, 2015

Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh but no marriage/ relationship is perfect, especially in marriage there are going to be tough times. Personally I don't believe in divorce unless physical abuse is involved. You two live under the same roof and see each other every day. Even if a man works 12hrs+ and comes home that to me is enough. I'd have gym, work, housework, and personally I'd feel smothered if he came home too early.

Nursing school is two years, med school/PT is harder and even longer. Nothing in science is easy. Perhaps you could offer to quiz him? I am sure he is not neglecting you. Men show through their actions not words. Your husband wants to do his best to provide for his family yet you are arguing and complaining; you will push him away even further and he will feel unappreciated. Nursing school is temporary and not forever. Personally, I want to see my man work hard, come home at the end of the day, and for me to appreciate his hard work.

CVICU-Nurse1.5 · Mar 14, 2015

Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh but no marriage/ relationship is perfect, especially in marriage there are going to be tough times. Personally I don't believe in divorce unless physical abuse is involved. You two live under the same roof and see each other every day. Even if a man works 12hrs+ and comes home that to me is enough. I'd have gym, work, housework, and personally I'd feel smothered if he came home too early.
Nursing school is two years, med school/PT is harder and even longer. Nothing in science is easy. Perhaps you could offer to quiz him? I am sure he is not neglecting you. Men show through their actions not words. Your husband wants to do his best to provide for his family yet you are arguing and complaining; you will push him away even further and he will feel unappreciated. Nursing school is temporary and not forever. Personally, I want to see my man work hard, come home at the end of the day, and for me to appreciate his hard work.

As a male student, this is so dead on.

dcwang · Mar 14, 2015

As a male student, this is so dead on.

i'm sure it has to do with cultural values. this is the way our culture is. our men work. a lot. in fact, we send them to work.

kalycat, BSN, RN · Mar 14, 2015

First month, 1 month.

Ok. Hopefully things will settle in to a rhythm a bit...but I second the advice regarding getting some counseling support; I saw you said you had already started independently. There are definitely challenges ahead, and hopefully having strategies in place for communication and scheduling will help you both, even if he's not attending right at the moment.