I am the wife of a male student nurse and having trouble coping.

[Theotherone]

Hello, I am the wife of a male student Nurse. He is about to finish his first month of school and we have had about 2 to 3 arguments since he started. We have been married 7 yrs and we had never argued like we argue now. I know that it is a demanding program, but my question is, does he have to spend every moment studying and not make time for me and our 2 children? I tell him to give us at least a couple of hours a week of his time but he refuses and rather be at the library or at school. I don't think I ask for much. I have been supportive and understanding but i do get frustrated and upset because I feel he has neglected us. And I don't know if i can go 2 yrs without a date night or a family night. Has anyone else gone through this? And what did they do to get through it? Thank you.

[kalycat, BSN, RN]

Charming_kitty I'm female, but was raised by my dad and 4 brothers. I totally agree with your perspective on how men show their love. I'm married to a guy who some might call a workaholic, and while there have been times I really did need more time/support, I totally realize that this is how he shows how much me and my kids mean to him. Also, he gets great reward from his work, and it makes him feel very fulfilled. Anyway, thought you made a great observation there. He truly does tie a lot of how he feels about himself as a man to how well he does professionally and his ability to be that traditional male role model to my son, and it's about a lot more than just money.

OP, just wanted to add....I don't know if perhaps you feel your husband had also been neglectful during pre reqs or if you have had some issues brewing for a while, but I really feel that I need to add: my first month of nursing school, I could barely breathe. I wouldn't jump on the ultimatum train prematurely...but that's just me. That was a seriously rocky transition, and we weren't even in intensive clinicals yet. If you can, try to continue to work on the independent counseling and also give some time to allow things to settle in. It takes a few exams to really get in the swing of things, and if your husband is a conscientious student in a good program, he will likely develop a better handle on the workload. It's easier to budget your time as you progress because you know how long it takes to master the material.

[Theotherone]

I never said i complain, but shouldn't there be some sort of arrangement so both of us can be happy, that's what they told us at the orientation. When my husband finishes school he wants to go straight to the library which i have no problem with. All I ask is for him to come home first and eat dinner with us then go to the library. Is that complaining? I think that is called compromise, or us wives have no say in the relationship just because he is in a program. All i ask is when he has a day off to go with me for an hour or so to drink a coffee to catch up on all the week we have not seen each other is that complaining? I honestly don't think i ask for much.

[dcwang]

Sorry, I've never met you in person, but you sound a little whiny. I know I'm sounding harsh, but I'm just being very direct with what I think. I don't see why he has to return home for dinner first then go to the library, that is plain unreasonable if he comes home at night. Perhaps you can make him an extra dinner for him to bring to the library instead. Maybe on his day off you can relax at home together instead, give him a back massage. Basically studying/ school is like a full time jobs.at the moment. When my father was in grad school, he and his classmates would sometimes stay overnight at the lab and my mother never complained. Oh and there were no cell phones back then to even communicate. Be patient and the results will be great.

this is about his career, providing for family, and setting an example for children. sacrifices might be needed for these 2 years, but it is not forever. it is for the better. perhaps, one day he will make sacrifices for you. perhaps just during this short period it isn't a time for just compromise.

you are lucky you have a husband who wants to better himself, has aspirations. many women, unfortunately, have men at home who are lazy and just want to play videogames all day.

[eroc]

Me and my wife are both RN's. We both worked on our BSN's at the same time with her being one term ahead of me….and we have a daughter. And we both had full time jobs.

Life has to have some strained periods to have lasting security.

[Fruit Sucker]

Do you want him to pass the program? Maybe you could think about the fact that he's doing this to make more money for the family instead of acting like it's something special he's doing for himself. Your post comes across very selfish to me. And I think it's really weird that you went to his school orientation with him, that sounds controlling.

[Coriander, BSN, RN]

It's very hard being in nursing school, and very hard being with someone in nursing/med school. My first semester of school I couldn't think. We had exams immediately and if you didn't pass, you were out of the program. The amount of reading is indescribable and very different from "normal" school.

It was hard on my partner to not see me for days at a time. It was very hard on my family. My younger sister was diagnosed with cancer my last semester and I did all I could to spend time with her, but it wasn't enough. She did, however, fully support my need to study and focus on passing nursing school and my NCLEX. She hung on for another two years and I was able to help her as well as my parents.

I'm glad you're in counseling and suggest you keep it up for your own strength. Please give your husband the benefit of the doubt at this time. I know it's hard but he's probably not avoiding you because he wants to. There's not a lot of choice in his first month, or even during the program. He's finding his groove and does need to have his face in the books a lot.

[dudette10, MSN, RN]

I'm not going to give you advice, but I'm going to tell you a story.

In my first career, I worked long hours. My husband would get on my case every single day about my long hours. Eventually, I realized that I would work a little longer at the office because I dreaded the verbal nagging I would get at home. We talked about it, and he just wanted me present in the house even if I was preoccupied. Our compromise was that I would get home at a decent hour, but I could work at home. It worked, even with two small kids. He and the kids had me around, and I felt a part of the family again. The nagging stopped.

[dudette10, MSN, RN]

I'm not going to give you advice, but I'm going to tell you a story.

In my first career, I worked long hours. Every single day, my husband would get on my case about it. I realized that I was, at times, spending a little longer at the office to avoid getting nagged when I got home, which made everything worse. Eventually, we talked about it, and he just wanted me present in the house, even if I was preoccupied. Our compromise was for me to leave on time, but I could work from home on the laptop. It worked. I was available to him and our two small kids (at the time), and I got work done and felt like part of the family again. The nagging stopped.

My kids were older when I went to nursing school, and I always studied at home. It was nice to take the mini-breaks from studying to eat dinner, watch a movie, just talk.

[Wrench Party]

Nursing school stresses a lot of relationships. A lot of marriages and relationships don't make it. He will be out of school before long. Fortunately, I had a supportive now-husband who cooked meals, let me sleep, rant and understood it would be over soon enough.

Now, we are married, have a nice house, I have a good paying job,and have time for him again.

You need to determine if the sacrifices now will be worth it later.

[Nurseworks, ASN, RN]

I am a good understanding wife, I make him lunch, iron his uniform, have dinner ready when he gets home and not fuss about him studying to much. But would I have to go without a date night or family for the rest of his program? They told him to make a schedule, which he did and he added 2 nights for family or date night but he has not stuck to his schedule what so ever. I think we his support system also need time with him to refresh our ideas an plans. ?

Sorry you are not dealing well with this rough adjustment. I'm a male nursing student (almost done!) and have a ridiculously supportive wife who also happens to do her more than fair share of caring for our 2 developmentally delayed children. What she doesn't do is iron my uniform (I do that myself), make lunch for me (again, I fend for myself) or fuss at all over my studying. Given our children's DDs, we don't get to have "date nights" all too often, either.

She also understands this is a process, a means to an end, one that will eventually lead to not only my pursuing a dream of mine, but also establishing a better life for us as a family. I hope you are able to get to a point where you reach a similar mindset. I'm not saying it's an easy adjustment for anyone to make, and there are surely other factors that can come into play such as jealousy (on multiple levels), resentment and the like, but if you can't support each other during trying or difficult times, there are deeper issues at play. Good luck to you both, the journey is worth it.

[blondenurse12, MSN, NP]

I'm probably going to get flamed for this but I think you have totally valid concerns and your husband is acting inappropriately. He's in his first semester. If he's so overwhelmed that he must spend every waking moment studying, this does not bode well for the rest of his schooling.

I'm not saying I'm typical but I worked fulltime during my 4 year BSN program. So I find it very strange that he is so adamant about not being at home. Why can't he have dinner at home and then pop back to the library? Something just seems off.

I think counseling would be good. Then you can vent your feelings to someone else and perhaps the counselor can help come up with ways to therapeutically communicate with your husband.

[springchick1, ADN, RN]

When my husband finishes school he wants to go straight to the library which i have no problem with. All I ask is for him to come home first and eat dinner with us then go to the library.

I worked full time (45+ hours a week sometimes) and went to nursing school at night. I had clinicals on the weekend. If I went home after work and didn't go straight to the library, I would never have made it to the library. It may be the same for him. How much harder would it be for you (since your having a hard enough time) for him to come home for an hour and then leave again? Would it cause MORE stress and strife? Maybe if you take a step back and look at it from his point of view, it may help.