Big hugs. I'm so sorry you've had to go through such loss.
I've lost three pregnancies, and was terrified of this semester. Last week was our first day in clinical on the L&D floor, and my group was to assess newborns. I've never touched a newborn, and was so afraid of how I would react, especially in public, and with people who don't know what I've been through.
The little infant gave me a gift that day. She latched onto my (clean and gloved) finger, drew it into her mouth, and set to sucking madly while staring into my eyes. It was like she was telling me that it would be okay, that I could be strong.
I don't know if there will be children in my future, adopted or otherwise. Yes, that hurts to think about. But this little angel gave me a gift of love that day, and it started a healing process. Somehow, talking about the loss for years and years never completely soothed the pain. The pain will always be there, but it's been buffered now, thanks to one hour with this baby.
I wish you strength and light. You're in my thoughts. :redpinkhe