I am the wife of a male student nurse and having trouble coping.

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Hello, I am the wife of a male student Nurse. He is about to finish his first month of school and we have had about 2 to 3 arguments since he started. We have been married 7 yrs and we had never argued like we argue now. I know that it is a demanding program, but my question is, does he have to spend every moment studying and not make time for me and our 2 children? I tell him to give us at least a couple of hours a week of his time but he refuses and rather be at the library or at school. I don't think I ask for much. I have been supportive and understanding but i do get frustrated and upset because I feel he has neglected us. And I don't know if i can go 2 yrs without a date night or a family night. Has anyone else gone through this? And what did they do to get through it? Thank you.

My husband used to call me a professional student because after 10 yrs out of RN school I went back to school for my BSN, graduated and 2 yrs later went back for my MSN. He stuck by me through all of that schooling, even postponed our engagement until after I graduated with my RN. Nursing school is very hard and demanding. We all have the best intentions when we start to NOT neglect our families, but as the pressures to succeed in school and pass quizzes, tests, and clinical increases we become so focused on passing that unfortunately our families are kind of left in the dust. School is very intense 2-4 years, and as you go on with your education it can be an additional 2-6 yrs per degree. The information is giving to you, some in great detail some not so much, and you need to figure out how to fill in the blanks. After he has had a couple quizzes and tests he will become acclimated to how the instructors ask questions and what they are looking for. The first month is a busy time learning information and procedures that need to be "perfected" before he can go onto the clinical area. As a nursing clinical instructor, as occ classroom instructor, I can tell you the requirements to pass clinical are just as strenuous as passing the didactic portion of the program! Hopefully when he gets to the clinical area he will have an instructor that will help as well as challenge him. The information given in the classroom has been so compacted in a very short period of time, that the student has to look/read the textbook. I have some questions for you. What is your husbands class load? Is he full time or part time? Has he done all of the pre-requisites or is he trying to do them with the nursing courses? While he is studying from one book, look at one of the other ones along with the syllabus and make note cards to quiz him and help him learn. If your children are in school, try to do homework at the same time so that the family is together. He is setting an example for your children by going to school, studying, and trying to get good grades. When they look at what he is going through, they see him struggling like they are to learn something new. Get your date night/family night during school breaks...spring, summer, thanksgiving, christmas. Yes it's hard but look at the reward at the end. 2 yrs seem like a life time when just starting school, but the time does fly...many of my students have said the time flies too quickly and they can't believe they are graduating and becoming responsible for another persons' life without the instructor to "help/bail them out." My students have said that just having their family there by their side through school is what kept them sane, also having a study group helps too. Offer the use of your house for your husband to have a study group, and be the one to ask questions and see if they can get the right answer. I have used my clinical and post conference time to quiz the students jeopardy fashion, I also ask my questions to make them think outside of the box...to see the big picture.

Hope this helps.

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Specializes in CVICU.
the difference between you and my husband is that he doesn't do any errands or anything. I take care of the house the kids, his meals his clothing, i even cleaned out his car the other day because it was full of coffee mugs and water bottles. I send him to class with a nice lunch, nice white iron uniform, books and supplies ready at the door. I lay his clothes out so he can get a few extra minutes of sleep. I have dinner ready at home when he does come home for dinner. I pay all the bills, go to the groceries, i run all errands and all chores. I am in charge of the kids. He doesn't work he does NOTHING, but go to school and study. So when I see people like you that can do all that and! go to school, i think he can squeeze in some family time. So keep up the good work!;)

Really?

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Specializes in CVICU.
Well i guess what a lot of you don't know is that he doesn't work all week. He has a part time job on Sat. and Sunday. So if you had time to work and go to school, i think he can make time to spend with the family and go to school.

So which is it?

Do you work?

I would simply be ashamed of my wife looking to make me look bad on and internet forum, anonymous or not.

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sorry to hear about your sister, but she and your parents knew you were there when it counted the most...at the end.

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OP, you said you have been with your husband so long- 7 years? That is NOT a long time. Life throws lots of stuff at you. In my 22 years of marriage and 5 previous years of knowing my husband, I learned that. There are times when I had to take on more, times he had to. Right now I gave up a high paying high stress job due to my own continued schooling and family issues, and he is working like crazy.(I make less money and work less hours, and take classes online and I almost computer illiterate.)

You know what? He still makes tons of time for the kids, and I slept late today because I was out late last night with my friends (Yes, you can work, go to school and have friends) and he unloaded the dishwasher and cleaned up before going to my son's game in the rain for 4 hours. We both have ill parents. YES, we argue and YES we fight, but we also compromise and have our eye on a larger picture.

Your husband may be stressed and scared, but Good God!!! he is a grown man with a wife and kids, he needs to get a grip and put things in perspective. Other people have gone to nursing school and life does go on.

Yes, you should be understanding and supportive, but you cannot stop the world from rotating so he can study.

The way you are presenting this sounds kind of bizarre.

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your husband will appreciate your support once he's done if he is a good man.

i'll be starting nursing school this summer/fall and I tell you, it's tough to get into nursing school and I know it's going to get tougher. Before I got into nursing school, I studied ALL the time, like literally every waking moment of my life, unless I just finished an exam. literally after the first day of class I was studying. i did take occasional trips here and there after my exam, and even then I took my schoolwork with me.

it helped to have a boyfriend who was very understanding because he struggled through med school himself and now it's worth it because he's successful after years of training. yes, i took it out on him more than a few times (you know crazy is part of a job descriptoin of a woman) and he knew that I wanted to get into nursing school more than anything else. often on weekends, he would be on his computer while I studied. I do have to admit, it helps to be with someone who works in healthcare. And part of the reason I think we got along was because he understands this stuff and quizzed me/answered my questions on anatomy/physiology. thank goodness he understood (and read my essays) because I got into nursing schools. and because of that i appreciate him for being supportive :). He will appreciate your support once he's done.

on the the hand, my does work at least 12 hrs a day and I'm fine with it. do you have any hobbies such as working out or yoga? tutorin your kids?

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Specializes in ICU, LTACH, Internal Medicine.

I'm a wife of a guy who routinely works 60-70 hours/week while studying for another (his third) advanced degree and whose job obligations include international travel on short notice. We have kids and I work full time with no other family support. So I think that I kind of understand what you're going through.

I, and anyone else here, can't tell you what exactly is going on with your husband. You can try to ask him, or go to his school cafeteria during lunch time, find some senior nursing students, buy them coffee and get them talking about how life is in there. Some things you told here point on the program's malignancy (introductory session for "support teams", urging students not to neglect the said "support", white uniforms which must be ironed crisp and spotless and which are so insanely difficult to keep in required condition that this alone comes pretty much to abuse, IMHO). Your husband may have heard too many war stories about students terminated for a single spot on the said uniforms or missing 0.2% on a test or syringe forgotten I the pocket, or these things very well actually may be real in there. He may be painfully anxious and/or even depressed because of constant fear of making some minimal mistake. He may not be on his learning/prioritizing groove yet (if he had to spend 2 1/2 years for pre-reqs, it is probably so). But, in any case, there are only two ways for you to hit:

1). Forget about "date nights" and everything else for now. Find things to enjoy for yourself and your kids. Do not even think about getting him 3 meals a day hot and ready, uniform crisp and white and bills in order as about something extraordinary. FORGET about "fairness" regarding home/kids responsibilities - he studies now, and he will work, you do whatever remains in the meantime. Be always quiet, comforting, smiling, happy and ready to share every free minute he accidentally might get. Be receptive and always ready to listen and commiserate upon his vents. You are for him, he is for you, and hope for the next time you can just sit together for a little while. Make kids know that daddy's study/job is a sacred thing, period.

Or:

2) Continue to listen to whatever BS school is telling you, think that "you don't ask for that much", that driving home for dinner and then back to library is not a big deal (it is), whine and insist some more and see where it all ends.

I guess you know what I do for the last 10 years

P.S. Do not count much for spring/summer breaks, some schools have "break homework" and it can be pretty insane in volume. The worst period of school is usually first couple of months (till the student hits learning groove and forms studying patterns) and period around first clinical (when the said student feels for real which place on totem pole he actually belongs to - the lowermost one, that is). Depending on school, instructors and rotations, after second or third clinical things usually settle down somewhat. Watch closely for your husband eating well, getting at least some minimal exercise and sleeping enough. Speak with him immediately and directly if you think he is not getting any of the three things above - that might be sign of depression which is very common among nursing school students.

have patience, and good luck!

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Being supportive and stifling yourself SHOULD be 2 different things. I cannot believe I am the only one that is annoyed at DH and OP after hearing this tale of woe that keeps getting worse.

OP, come over for a cup of tea, and we will talk. :)

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Nobody is trying to make nobody look bad, don't make this a negative thing. I am here seeking help on how to cope and hear others experience. The truth may sound bad but it's only the truth. Not wanting to make anyone look bad. I love my husband very much and respect him a lot. I am being supportive like they told me to be at the orientation. They also told him to not neglect his support team and family, so i am doing my part. I just want him to do his. But with all the great positive comments i have read, i am getting a better idea of what this program requires. So we will have to wait till he gets his routine settled to be able to set some family dates.

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Yes I do agree with you and yes I have yoga classes and I to go to school for pre reqs. I also have an aerobic class. I think it's to soon to know how our routine will turn out. I am just going to give it a couple of months more to see how he settles in.

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Specializes in Critical Care, Med-Surg, Psych, Geri, LTC, Tele,.

Nursing school can be incredibly time consuming.

Some posters may say he doesn't need to devote that much time to it, but I think that each school is different.

As for me, my school required lots of study time.

And if you look through this board, you'll read about lots of relationship problems because of nursing school.

My view is: if he was in medical school, would you expect him to have free time for family? My opinion/experience was that most people, incl my family, didn't understand why "simple" nursing school would require so much work/studying/stressing. But I felt that if I was studying law or medicine, folks would have understood.

Nursing school can be quite extremely vigorous.

If he is a good husband except for his limited time, I'd say to please try to be understanding.

I hope it all works out for you!!

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Thank you KatieMI, I will

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