I am the wife of a male student nurse and having trouble coping.

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Hello, I am the wife of a male student Nurse. He is about to finish his first month of school and we have had about 2 to 3 arguments since he started. We have been married 7 yrs and we had never argued like we argue now. I know that it is a demanding program, but my question is, does he have to spend every moment studying and not make time for me and our 2 children? I tell him to give us at least a couple of hours a week of his time but he refuses and rather be at the library or at school. I don't think I ask for much. I have been supportive and understanding but i do get frustrated and upset because I feel he has neglected us. And I don't know if i can go 2 yrs without a date night or a family night. Has anyone else gone through this? And what did they do to get through it? Thank you.

Specializes in Primary Care, Progressive Care.
and i meant he does nothing from Monday through Friday. He only goes to school and studies. He has a part time job on Sat. and Sun. That's all. Not trying to make him look bad, just saying the truth.

I only went to nursing school back in my days and my 8-hour job every Sunday was already difficult for me that I had to resign. And yet, after I resigned, I still didn't feel like I had enough time to study. Not a lot of people realize that nursing school is really difficult. Unless of course you are very smart and can get away with A+ grades without studying... (which is not me!).

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I just started my classes. He wants me to be a nurse to but I don't want to. So we are still debating on what my major will be. For now i am going for nursing but that will change.

What would YOU like to do?

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Specializes in Primary Care, Progressive Care.
That is exactly what I say to my husband. that he can study here instead of the library and i would make sure no one disturbs him. That way me and the children can at least see him even if we don't talk but at least we will feel like a family, just occupied. My children lo e to see him home studying lol... they say, "quiet, daddy is studying."

I can NEVER study at home. I get distracted with even just simple things. Again, I'm sorry, I know this is difficult for you and I could pretty much rationalize everything that your husband does. Like why he doesn't study at home, why he cant give you any time, why he goes to the library after school, etc etc. It is different when you know what a person is going through (especially if you have gone through the same exact experience). I am not smart like the other nurses that posted here. I have to really study (day and night) just to barely pass my classes in nursing school. I am always jealous of those students who didn't study as much as I did.

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Specializes in Mental Health Nursing.

I think some people just study or "catch on" differently. When I was in nursing school, I loved to study at home. I completely hated the library and I never really liked study groups. The less people around me during my study-time, the better. I soon became friends with a student who always wanted to go to the library, or to study group sessions, etc. That's just how she studied and she wasn't ashamed to show that it took her a little more time to get what everyone else already got. So maybe your husband just needs that library type of setting. Nursing school is temporary anyway; plus let's not forget semester breaks, or holidays when classes aren't scheduled. Take advantage of those times to have "date night".

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No of course i would not want him to stop, heck no. I want him to succeed not just for us his family but for him. That degree will always be with him in gods will. And I now know that patience is the key here. I am going to see how the next couple of months turn out see if he learns to get his schedule going. Thank you.

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Specializes in CCM, PHN.

I feel compelled to reply. Even if my story helps one person a tiny bit, it's worth it.

Nursing school killed my marriage.

We were together 3 years, then I started school, we married at the beginning of my 3rd year...and divorced one year after I graduated.

That was 6 years ago, so I've had time to gain perspective. Here are my thoughts:

1) I was under enormous pressure from both the rigorous program AND a tightly wound scholarship I was on. It was "life or death" to me, every day. Straight A's or nothing. That was the fault of the school and the scholarship. My school didn't have some sweetheart orientation where they told us to balance our lives; they had a much more realistic and militaristic approach, saying "the next 4 years will be hell, and you will have NO LIFE. We're telling you now. Buckle up and tell your families to hang on." My scholarship entity basically said the same thing. If schools tell you otherwise, it's on you for believing it. You both have to know the reality, most nursing school is like this and it's not either of your "faults," it's circumstantial.

2) My husband worked full time and took care of the house and our dogs (those were our kids & yes that is work too), while I studied and worried and cried 24-7. I did not consider his needs. Not only did we not have date night, an hour of coffee or even TV time, our sex life went down the drain as our emotional connection deteriorated. That was on me. Even if I LITERALLY didn't have the time, not even a half hour, to spare for him, when I look back on it I realize there were other ways to maintain a connection & remind him he was important to me. Quick texts to him while I was on the crapper, even, might have made the difference. Even with zero time, with the technology we have now, there is no excuse to at least communicate with someone how much they mean to you. It takes seconds to send a text or email or order flowers and dinner to be delivered with a note. I can forgive your husband for having no substantial blocks of time to devote to you, uninterrupted. That does not excuse him from taking a few minutes a few times a day to do other stuff, even electronically. I wish I'd taken my head out of my ass and stopped playing martyr long enough to see I was being a jerk.

3) I hate to say this but also watch him carefully for signs of substance abuse or an affair. I didn't have an affair but two of my married classmates did. I abused alcohol and Adderall through most of my program and while it probably numbed me enough to get through some rough parts, it only caused me to be more distant from my marriage. I think these two issues are WAY more common in nursing school than anyone wants to admit.

4) I wish I'd been brave enough to consider alternatives. It's easy to think in "absolute" terms all the time; that there is ONLY THIS WAY to achieve something or operate. It never even crossed my mind that I might be able to do it another way. At least CONSIDER that maybe he could figure out a way to do school part time & work part time, or put school off entirely for a year for you two to work on your marriage, or study *GASP* something else. I was trapped in this "absolutist" way of thinking and wish someone had given me the "permission" to do things differently. It would not be "the end of the world" if he changed directions, modified the plan, quit, took a break or did something else. YES; it is that simple, and YES there are alternatives. Wish someone had told me that.

All that being said, you do sound ridiculously submissive. Being an excellent housewife is cool; letting him tell you what to go to school for ISN'T.

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Yes he has told me that when he gets home it's hard for him to leave to because he gets lazy lol.... I understand you.

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My husband is very smart. He finish his pre reqs. with ALL "A" and i am starting to understand with so many comments that maybe that is why he is stressing because he has pass his last 4 test, 2 with an A and 1 C and 1 B. They told him at the orientation to be happy with your Cs as long as you pass, but he insists that he wants nothing but As :(

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I don't know yet, maybe an ultrasound technician. Maybe but don't know yet.

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Specializes in CCM, PHN.
I don't know yet, maybe an ultrasound technician. Maybe but don't know yet.

Please use the "quote" feature so we know to whom you are responding. Your posts are just fragments that make no sense unless we know the context. Thanks.

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I feel compelled to reply. Even if my story helps one person a tiny bit, it's worth it.

Nursing school killed my marriage.

We were together 3 years, then I started school, we married at the beginning of my 3rd year...and divorced one year after I graduated.

That was 6 years ago, so I've had time to gain perspective. Here are my thoughts:

1) I was under enormous pressure from both the rigorous program AND a tightly wound scholarship I was on. It was "life or death" to me, every day. Straight A's or nothing. That was the fault of the school and the scholarship. My school didn't have some sweetheart orientation where they told us to balance our lives; they had a much more realistic and militaristic approach, saying "the next 4 years will be hell, and you will have NO LIFE. We're telling you now. Buckle up and tell your families to hang on." My scholarship entity basically said the same thing. If schools tell you otherwise, it's on you for believing it. You both have to know the reality, most nursing school is like this and it's not either of your "faults," it's circumstantial.

2) My husband worked full time and took care of the house and our dogs (those were our kids & yes that is work too), while I studied and worried and cried 24-7. I did not consider his needs. Not only did we not have date night, an hour of coffee or even TV time, our sex life went down the drain as our emotional connection deteriorated. That was on me. Even if I LITERALLY didn't have the time, not even a half hour, to spare for him, when I look back on it I realize there were other ways to maintain a connection & remind him he was important to me. Quick texts to him while I was on the crapper, even, might have made the difference. Even with zero time, with the technology we have now, there is no excuse to at least communicate with someone how much they mean to you. It takes seconds to send a text or email or order flowers and dinner to be delivered with a note. I can forgive your husband for having no substantial blocks of time to devote to you, uninterrupted. That does not excuse him from taking a few minutes a few times a day to do other stuff, even electronically. I wish I'd taken my head out of my ass and stopped playing martyr long enough to see I was being a jerk.

3) I hate to say this but also watch him carefully for signs of substance abuse or an affair. I didn't have an affair but two of my married classmates did. I abused alcohol and Adderall through most of my program and while it probably numbed me enough to get through some rough parts, it only caused me to be more distant from my marriage. I think these two issues are WAY more common in nursing school than anyone wants to admit.

4) I wish I'd been brave enough to consider alternatives. It's easy to think in "absolute" terms all the time; that there is ONLY THIS WAY to achieve something or operate. It never even crossed my mind that I might be able to do it another way. At least CONSIDER that maybe he could figure out a way to do school part time & work part time, or put school off entirely for a year for you two to work on your marriage, or study *GASP* something else. I was trapped in this "absolutist" way of thinking and wish someone had given me the "permission" to do things differently. It would not be "the end of the world" if he changed directions, modified the plan, quit, took a break or did something else. YES; it is that simple, and YES there are alternatives. Wish someone had told me that.

All that being said, you do sound ridiculously submissive. Being an excellent housewife is cool; letting him tell you what to go to school for ISN'T.

(((Hugs)))

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He said he doesn't want me to have any contact with his school, classmates or members of any kind. Which there alone brought up my jelousy streak. I am not a jelous person but when your husband tells you that, it brings up things. I know in my heart that he will never do any of that to me but he is saying things that look bad lol... He's not giving me any leverage here. I can't see him, i am not allowed to communicate with his classmates, i can't compromise, i am just suppose to sit on the sideline and watch.

Are you positive he's actually attending school?

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