I am the wife of a male student nurse and having trouble coping.

Nurses Stress 101

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Hello, I am the wife of a male student Nurse. He is about to finish his first month of school and we have had about 2 to 3 arguments since he started. We have been married 7 yrs and we had never argued like we argue now. I know that it is a demanding program, but my question is, does he have to spend every moment studying and not make time for me and our 2 children? I tell him to give us at least a couple of hours a week of his time but he refuses and rather be at the library or at school. I don't think I ask for much. I have been supportive and understanding but i do get frustrated and upset because I feel he has neglected us. And I don't know if i can go 2 yrs without a date night or a family night. Has anyone else gone through this? And what did they do to get through it? Thank you.

Specializes in hospice.

Okay now that I've read/skimmed the whole thread, I have a question: you're both in school, he only works part time, and you seem to be a housewife. (No disrespect, I was a SAHM for 15 years before becoming a CNA.)

What are you living on, money wise? It doesn't seem to me that there's enough income to support a family but maybe I missed something.

Also, you keep bringing up how he doesn't want to make you jealous. Has that been a problem in the past? Because I see from previous comments that I'm not the only one thinking he's behaving extremely oddly. However, if you've been very jealous in the past, he seems to be poking the beehive with a stick with the way he's acting. If you haven't been, he seems to be trying to provoke you into it, and why would he do that? Would making you jealous at home and having girls flirt with him at school provide him with an ego boost?

I'll admit that my first reaction to this thread, as a wife who supported her husband through two overseas tours and kept things together at home so he had nothing to worry about except coming home alive, and then through a demanding MBA program, was, "Suck it up, buttercup!" But now that I've read through most of it, there are so many weird dynamics and things that don't seem to add up, I'm at a loss.

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Well this thread certainly took an interesting turn.

The stuff about forbidding you to contact his peers and you getting jealous of "stuff that goes on" bothered me. There really shouldn't be anything to be jealous of, unless you are kind of nuts that way. Sometimes students do need to pair up and practice stuff on each other and that can be kind of awkward. For the most part, the few guys try to pair up but it doesn't always work that way. I guess I could see how one might consider practicing the ventral gluteal injection site on a member of the opposite sex could be a little awkward- but then when we're done we'll have to do it for patients anyway.

Likewise our clinical groups exchanged phone numbers and such for practical reasons. I suppose there's a tiny bit of totally good natured teasing. Most of our cohort is married, both male and female, and I really haven't seen any flirting. I might add we were strictly forbidden from taking pictures of each other in lab or clinical for privacy reasons. I had to be sure to ask before taking a pic of one of the simulation dummies to send to my husband- he's a teacher and was talking about robots to his students and he thought it would be cool. As long as I didn't get a classmate in there it was okay.

He sounds either very full of himself or terrified of women. Either way, he also sounds pretty controlling. Your comment of it being meant to be or not was a bit alarming- his decision to cheat or not cheat is totally in his hands, no matter how hard a female classmate may come on to him.

A final thought: He may be done with his prereqs and have gotten A's, but if it took him 2.5 years he must have been only taking one or two classes at a time. Nursing is full time and then some and it may be a big change for him.

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My wife supported me through nursing school. We had one child and one on the way. Plenty of time with family and friends. I did happen to do a one year accelerated course so I don't know how different the schedule was like. There will definitely be nights where you won't see him as he is studying for an upcoming tests. But it is my belief that he will learn what works best for him and will see that he has much more time. I think everyone goes overboard with the studying and reading in the beginning. I know I read a lot but then did not open up a book after my second month in school. You learn what you need to know very quickly. Good luck, I am sure things will turn around for you!

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I'm just catching up on this thread and I'm glad to hear that he is willing to try to work out some time this month. However, there does seem to be some interesting dynamics with your husband shutting you out from his school life. I really think that creates a lot of disconnect and I'd be a little worried about why. My husband made an effort from the first day of classes to include me in get togethers with classmates and as the result, I've become friends with many of his female classmates and lab partners. Because I've had a chance to be included in his school life, I feel secure. When I start my program this fall, I plan on doing the same with him.

A lot of things can be miscommunicated over the internet and we are all dissecting these comments, so we may not be understanding the situation. But that would be a red flag for me and a cause to be concerned. It's important for him to involve you and be able to talk to you about his day. I wish you all the best! It's definitely tough and it sounds like you have a LOT of responsibility on your shoulders.

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Specializes in 15 years in ICU, 22 years in PACU.

Whew! I had my doubts about a thread with over 170 comments in less than 24 hours but I'm curious that way.

Very interesting storyline. I've made assumptions and changed sides a couple of times. From "It's only been a month" (obviously she has a problem) to "why is he being so secretive about classmates?" (obviously he has the problem)

I would like to congratulate the OP on her mature change of view on her nursing student husband's sudden change in behavior. And it sounds like Hubby has had a chance to catch his breath and think about how his behavior affects her. I will venture he is overwhelmed with the demands of nursing school and needs a little time to adjust too. Sometimes we guys can get very focused on one task and don't use our peripheral vision to see the banana peel. I imagine there are also financial concerns. He's cut back on working and invested a pretty penny in a gamble that has to pay off when he graduates. ("If I don't learn this stuff and get my license, where will my family be then!")

Gosh, I sure am rooting for you both. There will be some stressful times ahead and you will not be prepared for that until they come up. That's when you fall back on your strengths. Family, faith, communication skills, marital vows, commitment to your promise to yourself that you're gonna see this thing through.

Nursing is a terrific career with a lot of satisfiers (meaningful work, middle class lifestyle, flexible hours - to mention a few). You don't get that without payin' your dues.

I wonder if we'll be hearing from hubby when he cranks up his own account on AllNurses.

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Some men in my BSN class achieved a good family and school balance and some did not. I could say the same thing about the women. I don't want to speculate that men are less likely to ask for help. Nursing students of either gender who are having problems maintaining a balance in their lives should seek help. Maybe his study skills or time management could be improved freeing up some time that could be spent with family. Working long hours can mean that there's just a lot to do and the deadlines are tight. It can also mean that efficiency of studying isn't optimal and that longer hours are required to compensate for the inefficiency. If the latter is the case, seeking help is a good idea.

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Specializes in Peds/outpatient FP,derm,allergy/private duty.
I want to thank all of you for such great advice and for sharing such wonderful stories. I will keep checking in once in a while and posting how things are going. Thank you all once again. ^_^

Hope you follow through with that! We'd love to have your husband join up or even just read the forums. Nursing school is unlike any other school. There's the academic aspect and then there is a culture shock. I can still recall being freaked out by that coming from the restaurant service industry and the fashion industry.

You hear things like "we'll turn you into a nurse" and it takes a while to adjust. Sites like ours make that part easier I think.

There are even a couple of forums just for the guys. Apologies if someone mentioned that already.

Male Nursing Student Forum

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Specializes in Tele, OB, public health.
So which is it?

Do you work?

I would simply be ashamed of my wife looking to make me look bad on and internet forum, anonymous or not.

wow, why so nasty????

I don't think she is "looking to make her husband look bad" just hurting and looking for support

Kindness towards others is a mark of integrity

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Specializes in Tele, OB, public health.
Sorry, I've never met you in person, but you sound a little whiny. I know I'm sounding harsh, but I'm just being very direct with what I think. I don't see why he has to return home for dinner first then go to the library, that is plain unreasonable if he comes home at night. Perhaps you can make him an extra dinner for him to bring to the library instead. Maybe on his day off you can relax at home together instead, give him a back massage. Basically studying/ school is like a full time jobsarrow-10x10.png.at the moment. When my father was in grad school, he and his classmates would sometimes stay overnight at the lab and my mother never complained. Oh and there were no cell phones back then to even communicate. Be patient and the results will be great.

this is about his careerarrow-10x10.png, providing for family, and setting an example for children. sacrifices might be needed for these 2 years, but it is not forever. it is for the better. perhaps, one day he will make sacrifices for you. perhaps just during this short period it isn't a time for just compromise.

you are lucky you have a husband who wants to better himself, has aspirations. many women, unfortunately, have men at home who are lazy and just want to play videogames all day.

Whiny?

Naw, just a normal person with normal needs

Ease up and be a little kinder

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Specializes in Tele, OB, public health.
Do you want him to pass the program? Maybe you could think about the fact that he's doing this to make more money for the family instead of acting like it's something special he's doing for himself. Your post comes across very selfish to me. And I think it's really weird that you went to his school orientation with him, that sounds controlling.

Selfish- Geez, settle. Her husband sounds like the selfish one to me

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Specializes in Tele, OB, public health.

My 2 cents, for what it is worth:

Total crap he is that neglectful in teh first month

And he should honor his commitments- if he planned a date night with you and times with the whole family he should honor it

NO REASON to not honor them, unless his time managment is really poor

And if it is that poor, he should reconsider nursing

He may just be freaking out about school momentarily while he adjusts to the crazy demands of nursing school, but after a while he should adjust to a better life balance

Even if he did well on his pre-reqs, that does not automatically equate to being able to be a good nurse-

I hope he keeps some perspective and had the wisdom to cut his losses if he struggles through out the whole program AND he has to work this hard

He still has to pass NCLEX after school, and survive the first year on the job

Finally, ignore soem of the posters on here calling you selfish and whiny....

You sound like a very selfless spouse to me with normal needs and wants

Let us know how things go down the road, and keep your chin up!

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Specializes in Critical Care; Cardiac; Professional Development.

I think there is too much complication here for any anonymous bulletin board to solve or advise. Some of this is so bizarre and at odds with earlier statements that I don't even know how to address it. What is clear is the struggle and some kind of power play going on between the two of you. A couple of times it has sounded like you might be of a different culture, which would alter the perception of the whole thing as well.

I hope it gets better. I can't tell what is really going on but it is clear, at least to me, is that something isn't right.

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