I am the wife of a male student nurse and having trouble coping.

Farawyn · Mar 15, 2015

I started out thinking all one thing, and I have flip flopped during this story unfolding, too. "Yes, its only been a month, lighten up!" to "what's going on with his attitude about the women in his class? UGH!"

I'm now strangely invested in this thread and truly hope things work out for OP. I like her. My offer for tea was sincere. I would love to get her in RL and see what this is all about, already!

Best of luck, OP, to you and the fam.

Theotherone · Mar 15, 2015

Okay now that I've read/skimmed the whole thread, I have a question: you're both in school, he only works part time, and you seem to be a housewife. (No disrespect, I was a SAHM for 15 years before becoming a CNA.)
What are you living on, money wise? It doesn't seem to me that there's enough income to support a family but maybe I missed something.
Also, you keep bringing up how he doesn't want to make you jealous. Has that been a problem in the past? Because I see from previous comments that I'm not the only one thinking he's behaving extremely oddly. However, if you've been very jealous in the past, he seems to be poking the beehive with a stick with the way he's acting. If you haven't been, he seems to be trying to provoke you into it, and why would he do that? Would making you jealous at home and having girls flirt with him at school provide him with an ego boost?
I'll admit that my first reaction to this thread, as a wife who supported her husband through two overseas tours and kept things together at home so he had nothing to worry about except coming home alive, and then through a demanding MBA program, was, "Suck it up, buttercup!" But now that I've read through most of it, there are so many weird dynamics and things that don't seem to add up, I'm at a loss.

Well a few years back we were both working very hard and manage to buy some property. We live off our rents from our properties. That is why we quit our jobs to go back to school. But we still need to work part time at lease him just for extra money. He is not a bad husband or trying to boost up his ego lol... He is just not a social man when it comes to others. He is very private about our life. That is why he said he doesn't want me to go around making friends at his school. He said he did not choose to study with them. That is the school he got assigned to and he is just there to finish his schooling.

Theotherone · Mar 15, 2015

My wife supported me through nursing school. We had one child and one on the way. Plenty of time with family and friends. I did happen to do a one year accelerated course so I don't know how different the schedule was like. There will definitely be nights where you won't see him as he is studying for an upcoming tests. But it is my belief that he will learn what works best for him and will see that he has much more time. I think everyone goes overboard with the studying and reading in the beginning. I know I read a lot but then did not open up a book after my second month in school. You learn what you need to know very quickly. Good luck, I am sure things will turn around for you!

Thank you

btab3

Theotherone · Mar 15, 2015

I'm just catching up on this thread and I'm glad to hear that he is willing to try to work out some time this month. However, there does seem to be some interesting dynamics with your husband shutting you out from his school life. I really think that creates a lot of disconnect and I'd be a little worried about why. My husband made an effort from the first day of classes to include me in get togethers with classmates and as the result, I've become friends with many of his female classmates and lab partners. Because I've had a chance to be included in his school life, I feel secure. When I start my program this fall, I plan on doing the same with him.
A lot of things can be miscommunicated over the internet and we are all dissecting these comments, so we may not be understanding the situation. But that would be a red flag for me and a cause to be concerned. It's important for him to involve you and be able to talk to you about his day. I wish you all the best! It's definitely tough and it sounds like you have a LOT of responsibility on your shoulders.

well he does tell me pretty much everything he does and what they studied, he even calls me to tell me when a woman text him about something or emails him so I can download the papers they sent him and so on. He is very open with me. So far he is hanging around with 3 guys and 1 girl. That is because they were assign as a group. He is just very private of our life and doesn't want people knowing our life. He is not from this country so he has seen what gossip does to a family and he is very protective of us, he wants nothing to come between me and him. But sometimes he is so protective that he does things that look bad. I have learned that from him through out the years. That's why I have no concern when it comes to infidelity.

Theotherone · Mar 15, 2015

My 2 cents, for what it is worth:
Total crap he is that neglectful in teh first month
And he should honor his commitments- if he planned a date night with you and times with the whole family he should honor it
NO REASON to not honor them, unless his time managment is really poor
And if it is that poor, he should reconsider nursing
He may just be freaking out about school momentarily while he adjusts to the crazy demands of nursing school, but after a while he should adjust to a better life balance
Even if he did well on his pre-reqs, that does not automatically equate to being able to be a good nurse-
I hope he keeps some perspective and had the wisdom to cut his losses if he struggles through out the whole program AND he has to work this hard
He still has to pass NCLEX after school, and survive the first year on the job
Finally, ignore soem of the posters on here calling you selfish and whiny....
You sound like a very selfless spouse to me with normal needs and wants
Let us know how things go down the road, and keep your chin up!

Thank you very much, I really appreciate the kind words. It really lift my spirit. :)

sweetdreame, BSN, RN · Mar 15, 2015

I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Unfortunately, I don't think nursing school is the problem. There is no program, graduate school, post-graduate, etc. that doesn't allow for a few hours a week of free time. It is important to maintain a "work-life" balance in every stage of life...including this one. I hate to say it, but we make time for what we want to make time for. I would encourage you to seek counseling. Sometimes educational institutions have free counseling for students and even spouses. I hope everything works out for your family...hang in there.

pht15 · Mar 15, 2015

I'm a first semester nursing student, and for what it's worth, my husband and I argued like nothing else for the first eight weeks of school. It was all stress-induced. However, we have a standing date every Friday night so no matter what, we both know that we get to spend uninterrupted time together at least once a week. The fact that we don't have children makes things a little bit easier, but there's a serious role change at home once one partner becomes a nursing student.

Your husband is still learning how to be a nursing student, which is worlds different from being an English student, or a math student, or anything else you can think of, really, and there's a major learning curve. Instructors put a lot of pressure on nursing students to prove that we have the drive, smarts, flexibility, adaptability, integrity, test-taking skills, etc. to manage nursing school and a job as a nurse, and if you can't hack it, a lot of the time you're out. Nursing students have to learn a different way of studying, thinking, processing information and that takes time. His brain is probably fried. But, in all likelihood he will get the hang of his "new job" and it will be easier for him to manage his own and everyone's expectations.

That said, it IS important for him to make time for you and your family. (Though honestly, chores and such are probably not something to bring up. Think about getting a housekeeper or hiring neighborhood kids for this kind of thing.) Approach him about having a standing date or blocks of time one or two days a week that he takes a break from school. He'll burn himself out if he doesn't, and push the rest of you away.

Theotherone · Mar 15, 2015

I'm a first semester nursing student, and for what it's worth, my husband and I argued like nothing else for the first eight weeks of school. It was all stress-induced. However, we have a standing date every Friday night so no matter what, we both know that we get to spend uninterrupted time together at least once a week. The fact that we don't have children makes things a little bit easier, but there's a serious role change at home once one partner becomes a nursing student.
Your husband is still learning how to be a nursing student, which is worlds different from being an English student, or a math student, or anything else you can think of, really, and there's a major learning curve. Instructors put a lot of pressure on nursing students to prove that we have the drive, smarts, flexibility, adaptability, integrity, test-taking skills, etc. to manage nursing school and a job as a nurse, and if you can't hack it, a lot of the time you're out. Nursing students have to learn a different way of studying, thinking, processing information and that takes time. His brain is probably fried. But, in all likelihood he will get the hang of his "new job" and it will be easier for him to manage his own and everyone's expectations.
That said, it IS important for him to make time for you and your family. (Though honestly, chores and such are probably not something to bring up. Think about getting a housekeeper or hiring neighborhood kids for this kind of thing.) Approach him about having a standing date or blocks of time one or two days a week that he takes a break from school. He'll burn himself out if he doesn't, and push the rest of you away.

I totally agree with you. Actually last night we had a good conversation. We talk about how stressful it has been on both of us and I explained to him about this thread and told him that I have come to understand that it is to early in his program for me to get scared and should allow him to settle into his schooling. He agreed %100 he said he has been really stressed out because it's like a curve ball that has hit him, he doesn't know which way it's coming. We laugh and kind of took a breather lol... So for now we have agreed that starting next week he will take 30 mins at night for a brake and a walk with me or with me and the children. No! exceptions. I told him that not only would it be good for us but for him to. He needs to take a brake and clear his mind at least for 30 mins. He was happy and he agreed. He is starting clinicals at he hospital next week so he told me how hectic it's going to be. I will still be going to counseling once a week while he is in the program to help me with these changes. You know so I wont freak out and I can keep being supportive.

Btormon.RN · Mar 15, 2015

I surprised to see that many people are saying that the OP is overreacting a little. I was in a long-term relationship during nursing and she was in the same nursing program as well. Nursing school was so important to me and it basically took over my life. I was almost never with her and studied all the time. I would come home and spend time with her for very little time before we went to bed. It was very hard for our relationship even though she knew how demanding nursing school was since we were in the same nursing school.

In retrospect, all that studying I did was definitely needed, but I should have tried harder to give more attention or really spend time with her when I wasn't studying. I should've done something a little more special, like take her out when I had the time. At that time, even if I felt like I was studying so much to be successful, I should've taken into account how SHE feels; and she felt neglected. I feel horrible for that.

If you feel neglected, it's important that you and him work on making a change.

PacoUSA, BSN, RN · Mar 15, 2015

I haven't bothered reading the entire thread of comments, so I just decided to post my own in response to the OP's post. My reaction is probably off the cuff from my usual demeanor but I don't care right now. It really made me angry. You have apparently never been to nursing school, so you really don't understand the rigors of such a program or the stress your husband is under. It can really impact the time away from friends and family. You need to be more understanding and less selfish about the lack of time he is spending with you and the family. I mean, he should be doing his best to accommodate given his new demands and that is all you should expect. Did you really believe nothing would change after his starting the nursing program? I was fortunate enough to be with someone that really understood my stress and my limitations while I was in school (an accelerated program at that), and we are still together. It takes a lot of support and understanding to be with someone in nursing school, and that I am afraid is something you are lacking.

Theotherone · Mar 15, 2015

I surprised to see that many people are saying that the OP is overreacting a little. I was in a long-term relationship during nursing and she was in the same nursing program as well. Nursing school was so important to me and it basically took over my life. I was almost never with her and studied all the time. I would come home and spend time with her for very little time before we went to bed. It was very hard for our relationship even though she knew how demanding nursing school was since we were in the same nursing school.
In retrospect, all that studying I did was definitely needed, but I should have tried harder to give more attention or really spend time with her when I wasn't studying. I should've done something a little more special, like take her out when I had the time. At that time, even if I felt like I was studying so much to be successful, I should've taken into account how SHE feels; and she felt neglected. I feel horrible for that.
If you feel neglected, it's important that you and him work on making a change.

Thank you, and yes we are working on it. We are in this together :) and best of luck to you to.

Theotherone · Mar 15, 2015

I haven't bothered reading the entire thread of comments, so I just decided to post my own in response to the OP's post. My reaction is probably off the cuff from my usual demeanor but I don't care right now. It really made me angry. You have apparently never been to nursing school, so you really don't understand the rigors of such a program or the stress your husband is under. It can really impact the time away from friends and family. You need to be more understanding and less selfish about the lack of time he is spending with you and the family. I mean, he should be doing his best to accommodate given his new demands and that is all you should expect. Did you really believe nothing would change after his starting the nursing program? I was fortunate enough to be with someone that really understood my stress and my limitations while I was in school (an accelerated program at that), and we are still together. It takes a lot of support and understanding to be with someone in nursing school, and that I am afraid is something you are lacking.

Yes I understand why my post would bring that reaction of yours. But if you would take the time to read at least some post you would understand maybe what I am trying to explain. So are you telling me that while you were in your program you didn't spend any time what so ever with your family? not 5, 10, 15, 20, 30 mins? a week. NOTHING? because that is what I am getting from my husband, not even 5 mins. But thank god that is about to change once we had a chance to talk it through and come to an agreement that will suit both of us.