I can't do it all (mom rant)

Nurses General Nursing

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I try to wear many hats as a nurse, as an income provider for my family, and as a mom. I cannot get my son to understand that school is important, I can't get my husband to understand that homework is important, and I can't stop working overtimes in order to catch up our finances.

I am exhausted, mentally and physically, from work, my child's homework, and my husband's inability to assist in these matters. My son has homework that I can't easily help him with and he's only in 5th grade. I literally look at the assignments and have to google what some of this math and English homework is. I have a degree in English!!! He takes Latin in school. I dropped Latin in college because it was too difficult and I can't even with his homework.

He doesn't want to do better, he hates school, and I'm working so much to keep him in the private school he attends. My mother always said you can send a smart kid anywhere. Unfortunately he does not have a natural grasp on learning, and I'm sending him to the private school so he gets the individual instruction that he needs. I don't know how to make him a better student, and I don't know how to accept his poor grades.

I yelled at him all the way to school today, but it was not constructive and did nothing to make him want to do better. I'm deleting fortnite from the xbox, which he only gets to play on the weekends. I don't know if this will hurt or help.

I'm a good nurse. I catch things before they become an issue, I ensure that my patients are safe. I feel like a crappy mom. I am at my wits end with my child, and I don't know what to do. Any advice?

Marriage counseling.

Specializes in Public Health, TB.

Hugs to you dear. That is a good idea to have him evaluated, although he may need additional evaluation beyond the pediatrician. He could have a sensory processing disorder, such as dyslexia, ADD, or ADHD. I had one with dyslexia, but he never got effective help until he was taking GED classes, and my daughter was diagnosed with ADHD at age 30. Both of them bright people, but struggled with school assignments.

When I was younger and in school, there were reasons why I hated it. I was bullied, and the teachers were mean to me for no reason (legit one of my teachers pushed a trash can in my face while yelling at me because I said I felt like I was going to vomit and I wanted to go to the nurse). All that led to depression, poor grades, and me hating school. My point is there might be a reason why he hates school. Like one poster said he might not be getting the individual attention you think he is getting too. If you can find the underlying reason, it might help, if there is one I mean. Also I'm sure you know this but kids are good at hiding all the above (at least I was). Just something to think about...Good luck to you.

There's already good advice here, I just want to add reassurance.

You're not a bad mom because your kiddo is struggling.

Life gets complicated sometimes.

Cyber hugs

Specializes in Pedi.
The only thing your post proves is a string of crappy men in your family and social group. Your father is straight up guilty of neglect that could equate to abuse. Let's not turn this into male bashing. Because there are really good men out there who don't deserve that.

I'm not bashing men, I'm referencing a well documented and researched phenomenon that the OP's post was clearly an example of.

Women are overburdened with their families’ “mental loads.”

Most of the men in my social circle are fine people. My father is a POS and there's a reason why I chose not to have a relationship with him as an adult but I can tell you, as someone who works exclusively with children in foster care, that CPS would have no interest in a report of "neglect" for a father who waits till mother gets home late to feed the children. That sort of thing would be screened out before they even hung up the phone.

Specializes in Pediatrics Retired.
We are taking him to his pediatrician to have him evaluated for ADD and ADHD. I only want my kid to feel success with some of the natural failures that go along with success. I hate to see him just fail because he isn't trying.

I stopped reading right here because I was waiting for this. When I started school nursing 17 years ago I thought ADD/ADHD was just an excuse for bad and lazy parenting. I've realized it's a legitimate condition and is a simple diagnosis made by the pediatrician based on questionnaires from his teachers and his parents; with the most valuable information from his teachers. If your pediatrician wants to refer him to a psychologist for evaluation...RUN as fast as you can out of there. ADD/ADHD isn't a psychological issue. If he is diagnosed as attention deficit the only thing that will unlock his academic potential is a stimulant drug like Ritalin, etc. Yea, there are opinions from horizon to horizon but I'VE seen, and continue to see this, every day at school, so posters can say what you want, but I see the results, or lack of results from inadequate treatment, every day; including one of my own children. ADD/ADHD usually manifests at its peak in 5th grade. If you want real world insight about this you can PM me.

2nd...get him into a public school. That will ease a little financial burden from you and, such, will manifest in a more positive dynamic at home. As I say, If you want real world data from real world observations, PM me.

My husband tries to help, and he is more equipped to deal with math than I am. I was raised by strict parents who emphasized education, he was not. He doesn't really know how to do homework and doesn't emphasize it like I try to do.

I work overtimes because they are easily available at my work. He tries to work at least one overtime per paycheck, but it's hit or miss with his workplace. My husband does try his best.

A couple of thoughts:

Your hub doesn't know how to do homework? Don't you just sit down and do it?

Or is there a special process to follow? Maybe he and your son could focus on it better at a library?

Is your son having to use a computer for homework and your husband doesn't know how to use it, too?

Perhaps fitting it in to the after-school hours is the issue. Your son likely needs some free time, some fresh air, exercise, and a snack. Then, he should get started on the homework. Then dinner, then finish up the homework. Then bathe and get to bed early. Devise a small reward system for following the time table, for bringing up the grades.

Is your son and/or husband a night owl? Are they both getting enough sleep?

It sounds like your son might need some tutoring for a while to help him get caught up and to establish better habits. Because he should probably be able to do the homework without much at all in the way of Dad's help, if he's paying attention in class and comprehending the information.

Please follow Hppygr8tful's advice of an evaluation by the school district. That sounds like a good idea.

Stop yelling at your son. It will only make things worse.

Stop working most of that OT. You just might need to spend that time with your son, with your household. And don't discuss your problem at work. Just start cutting back.

I don't know what your finances are like, but you could benefit from re-evaluating your budget. Figure out how to cut expenses to the bone. If you have loans, re-finance them and take longer to pay them off, more slowly, so you can live on less income.

Is your son old enough to help with supervised cooking, shopping, cleaning, care of younger kids in your home? This family time should become habitual and be a good thing, create happy memories of sharing family time and keeping the kids out of trouble.

The private school might have financial aid. Or, as others have said, perhaps your son would do better in public school or with home schooling. There are different curricula available, one of which is the public school curriculum, but it is done at home.

Are there grandparents available to help in any way? Can you form a study circle of a friend or 2 of your son, with parental involvement? Four or 6 heads are better than 2 maybe.

At any rate, try hard to accept your son and who he is, as he is before you can try to effect change. Let him know you're so proud of all his efforts and you know he's struggling, and you're there for him.

And consider couples counseling.

Best wishes.

Except for the fact that my son is now in HS, I could have written this post.

Does your son have an IEP? As others have said, you can get him evaluated through your local public school system if the private school he attends doesn't provide that service. Additionally, any other services that he may need (speech therapy, occupational therapy, etc) will be provided by the school district if necessary.

My son's had an IEP since 5th grad and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Last year, we were blessed with an amazing, caring team, and he passed all of his classes--barely--but I'm willing to celebrate baby steps at this point. He has many of the same team members this year, so I'm hopeful.

I'd say start there and see where it takes you. Believe me, I feel your frustration and sadness. I just graduated from nursing school and there were many times when I had to neglect my own studies in order to help my son with his homework. My husband "didn't know how." It stinks, but in my case, the least expenditure of time and energy resulted from just doing everything myself, rather than fighting with my husband about it. Have to choose your battles.

Best of everything to you. Life's a rich tapestry for us nurses.

Specializes in hospice, LTC, public health, occupational health.

Honestly, I think one of the main lessons in this thread is be damn careful whom you marry. Because not only would my husband not get away with totally abdicating his responsibilities as a father, he would never try. If you're married but have to carry all this as if you're a single mother, you picked the wrong guy. I married to have a partner who helps with the challenges of adult life, not a petulant child who refuses his responsibilities with lame excuses.

I don't have any particular wise words of wisdom. I just want to say this:

From everything you've said in your posts on this forum - and I realize we just get a snapshot and not a fuller understanding of a person, you are a great Mom. You should not be feeling any guilt or shame. I wish I knew the right words to say to give you good advice, but from this outsider's perspective, all I can say is that I think your son (and husband) are very lucky to have you.

"He's failing at the best thing I excel at, which is science, with a D+. I don't know what assignments are due or when they are due because he is expected to write them down in his agenda. I just emailed the principal and teacher with a request to meet for a parent teacher/principal conference."

Question: is he failing due to not applying himself, or is he genuinely struggling with the subject? Yelling won't help, and he will learn to tune you out. I know you are already busy, but you may want to read a bit about performance management. It's something I learned regarding how to reinforce desired behavior and extinguish undesired behavior in the workplace, and I brought it home and used it with my children. In a nutshell, you apply consistent consequences for behavior, reward the good with positive reinforcement, and try to extinguish the bad with negative reinforcement.

So he loves to play Fortnite. I recommend not deleting it just yet. You said you only let him play on weekends. How about changing tactics, and allowing him to play it for a certain amount of time on weeknights once he completes his homework? Bring home a bad grade on a test, Fortnight goes away completely for X number of weeks. Earn it back by making a good grade on the next test. Let him understand that his own actions drive his consequences, and mom stops yelling.

Motherhood is difficult, being a nurse is difficult, school is difficult, and marriage is difficult. Mr. needs to understand you need his help and support. I hope you can make him see the light.

Hang in there!

I could have written this. My son is in 7th. It's exhausting and we make progress in one subject to drop in another. His attention span is awful. I try to study with him and I'll be in the middle of something and he starts talking about a conversation he had at lunch that day. I lose my noodle with him often. It's not productive.

I took fortnite away. I took social media away. It doesn't help.

I'm exhausted. I've been working OT as well. And while yes, in theory, it sounds great to be home more, I have bills and retirement to pay for. My growing boys need clothes. My husband makes more than I do, but I need to work. We've had a lot of medical bills with my youngest this past year.

My son is in public school. I've heard it's the age. I also think it could be ADD. I honestly think I have undiagnosed ADD. And while I don't expect straight As, I would like at least As and Bs.

Boys are hard. And I have 3!!!

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