I can't do it all (mom rant)

[missmollie]

I try to wear many hats as a nurse, as an income provider for my family, and as a mom. I cannot get my son to understand that school is important, I can't get my husband to understand that homework is important, and I can't stop working overtimes in order to catch up our finances.

I am exhausted, mentally and physically, from work, my child's homework, and my husband's inability to assist in these matters. My son has homework that I can't easily help him with and he's only in 5th grade. I literally look at the assignments and have to google what some of this math and English homework is. I have a degree in English!!! He takes Latin in school. I dropped Latin in college because it was too difficult and I can't even with his homework.

He doesn't want to do better, he hates school, and I'm working so much to keep him in the private school he attends. My mother always said you can send a smart kid anywhere. Unfortunately he does not have a natural grasp on learning, and I'm sending him to the private school so he gets the individual instruction that he needs. I don't know how to make him a better student, and I don't know how to accept his poor grades.

I yelled at him all the way to school today, but it was not constructive and did nothing to make him want to do better. I'm deleting fortnite from the xbox, which he only gets to play on the weekends. I don't know if this will hurt or help.

I'm a good nurse. I catch things before they become an issue, I ensure that my patients are safe. I feel like a crappy mom. I am at my wits end with my child, and I don't know what to do. Any advice?

[Aunt Slappy]

Is your husband similarly ill-equipped to help with homework, or does he just refuse to? Your kid has more than one parent, you guys should be sharing these burdens. Also, what does your husband do for work? Is he working overtime as well? My main question here is why are you taking this all on yourself alone?

And have you considered that perhaps a different school and more available parents might be the right answer?

[missmollie, ADN, BSN, RN]

Is your husband similarly ill-equipped to help with homework, or does he just refuse to? Your kid has more than one parent, you guys should be sharing these burdens. Also, what does your husband do for work? Is he working overtime as well? My main question here is why are you taking this all on yourself alone?

And have you considered that perhaps a different school and more available parents might be the right answer?

My husband tries to help, and he is more equipped to deal with math than I am. I was raised by strict parents who emphasized education, he was not. He doesn't really know how to do homework and doesn't emphasize it like I try to do.

I work overtimes because they are easily available at my work. He tries to work at least one overtime per paycheck, but it's hit or miss with his workplace. My husband does try his best.

[Aunt Slappy]

Maybe homework and school aren't the real issue. Maybe your kid needs parents less worried about money and more available to parent him. Perhaps he needs to be listened to about how much and why he hates school, and to have that substantively addressed. Maybe what he needs is parents who have the time and energy to listen, love him, support him, and yes, correct him when he needs it.

[NightNerd, MSN, RN]

It's encouraging that at least your husband does try. It sounds like you have different priorities for your son's education and need to discuss this more. Talk specifically about what you will both agree is acceptable - are you both okay as long as he passes with Cs in everything? Are there certain subjects you are willing to let slide more than others? Figure out your mutual goal and help your son work toward that together.

I agree that it would be worth reconsidering public school. I personally feel that my education, as well as my participation in extracurricular activities and my social life, drastically improved once I went to public school. One size doesn't fit all, and it might be worth a try if he is still struggling significantly where he is now.

Also, I know you are exhausted and overwhelmed with everything. It sounds like you are doing a great job and just want the best for your son. To keep both of you from getting frustrated with this every single day, could you maybe hire someone to come and do homework with him a couple times a week? Maybe a tutor, maybe just a high school or college kid looking for some extra cash in exchange for homework help. I used to do this with a lot of the kids I babysat years ago, and it seemed to take the pressure off the parents and the homework got done. Even if it's just a couple times a week, those are afternoons where you and your husband aren't in the hot seat, and it might improve the whole family's dynamic.

[RoseRyan]

Your son needs his mother at home more than he needs to go to private school. My sons grades started to fall this year too. Like yours, he doesn't like school . After a conference with the teacher, myself or my husband started to sit down with him after dinner every evening. We discuss what's due this week, what needs to be done tonight and what tests he needs to study for. We make a list and tick things off when we do them. The teacher also gave us great resources for him to study and practice math problems online. We make sure he does this at least three times a week. Fortnight, Minecraft and any other electronic is weekends only.

Cut yourself some slack. We tend to take it so personally when our kids are struggling or not flying right! Make sure you and your husband sit down and talk about it to make sure you're on the same page with everything

God bless

[KelRN215, BSN, RN]

One of my very good friends talks and reads frequently about the "mental load" or "emotional labor" for women. It's things like, in my relationship, it's my job to keep track of EVERYTHING, including when we are going to see his parents and what weekend day his mother works (every damn weekend I have to remind him that she's at work on Sunday mornings when he decides it's a good time to call her). Or how he's the one who wanted 2 dogs yet it's my responsibility to take care of everything vet-related and to arrange dog sitters when we're going out of town. Or how, several months ago, together we made a decision to do a "paint your pet" night and, before I bought the tickets, I verified with him that we weren't doing anything that evening. A few days later I get a text at work asking when the paint night was and when I respond with the date, I get another text: "oh, I have a work thing that night. I told you a while ago and I figured you would have kept track of that." WHY on earth would I keep track of when his work dinner, that I'm not invited to, is?

Here's a couple articles she sent me the other day after this topic came up at my bridal tea this past weekend:

Why Did Becoming a Mother Bring Up All These Retro Beliefs About Gender? - Lenny Letter

Stop Calling Women Nags — How Emotional Labor is Dragging Down Gender Equality

It came up because one of my friends left her 3 children with her husband for a couple hours so she could attend. He was bringing them to some farm or something and before she left, she asked him if he had everything he needed for them for the day. His response was "well you packed the bag when we went to the football game so I should be all set." The football game they had gone to was 3 weeks ago and her husband literally had no idea that the bag would need to be re-packed because she always does it.

My mother still talks of the year, ~25 years ago, when she was taking a course on Thursday nights and my father refused to practice my brother's spelling words with him. She identifies this year as a turning point in my brother's schooling. My father also apparently didn't feed us dinner on these nights and my mother would come home at 9pm to children who hadn't eaten since school lunch 10 hours earlier. It was also past our bedtime when she came home.

[Aunt Slappy]

One of my very good friends talks and reads frequently about the "mental load" or "emotional labor" for women. It's things like, in my relationship, it's my job to keep track of EVERYTHING, including when we are going to see his parents and what weekend day his mother works (every damn weekend I have to remind him that she's at work on Sunday mornings when he decides it's a good time to call her). Or how he's the one who wanted 2 dogs yet it's my responsibility to take care of everything vet-related and to arrange dog sitters when we're going out of town. Or how, several months ago, together we made a decision to do a "paint your pet" night and, before I bought the tickets, I verified with him that we weren't doing anything that evening. A few days later I get a text at work asking when the paint night was and when I respond with the date, I get another text: "oh, I have a work thing that night. I told you a while ago and I figured you would have kept track of that." WHY on earth would I keep track of when his work dinner, that I'm not invited to, is?

Here's a couple articles she sent me the other day after this topic came up at my bridal tea this past weekend:

Why Did Becoming a Mother Bring Up All These Retro Beliefs About Gender? - Lenny Letter

Stop Calling Women Nags - How Emotional Labor is Dragging Down Gender Equality

It came up because one of my friends left her 3 children with her husband for a couple hours so she could attend. He was bringing them to some farm or something and before she left, she asked him if he had everything he needed for them for the day. His response was "well you packed the bag when we went to the football game so I should be all set." The football game they had gone to was 3 weeks ago and her husband literally had no idea that the bag would need to be re-packed because she always does it.

My mother still talks of the year, ~25 years ago, when she was taking a course on Thursday nights and my father refused to practice my brother's spelling words with him. She identifies this year as a turning point in my brother's schooling. My father also apparently didn't feed us dinner on these nights and my mother would come home at 9pm to children who hadn't eaten since school lunch 10 hours earlier. It was also past our bedtime when she came home.

The only thing your post proves is a string of crappy men in your family and social group. Your father is straight up guilty of neglect that could equate to abuse. Let's not turn this into male bashing. Because there are really good men out there who don't deserve that.

[andrea3434]

My son (also fifth grade) has similar issues. It is draining and stressful. What helps is therapy (my husband and I alternate weeks taking him) that is both play and talk-based, a supportive school system, and medication (diagnoses ADHD and we literally just started the medication route this month...been trying to hold it off for years). We talk and listen when he needs it.

We use natural consequences. For example, my son often shuts down at school and refuses to do his work. So I have his teachers send all this work home and he has to finish it before he gets to do what he wants to (electronics, playing outside, etc). I don't say "you didn't behave at school so you don't get to watch youtube tonight!" But he knows that in order to do that he needs to finish his work. I will help him as needed.

It sucks so bad, it's hard to be happy when your kid isn't. Hang in there mama!

[missmollie, ADN, BSN, RN]

We are taking him to his pediatrician to have him evaluated for ADD and ADHD. I only want my kid to feel success with some of the natural failures that go along with success. I hate to see him just fail because he isn't trying.

[Katillac, RN]

It sounds like you are trying your very hardest to be the best mother you can be, and sacrificing a great deal to do it. I wonder, though, if you have ever talked with your son about his priorities, what he enjoys and doesn't about school and what his goals are.

Getting top grades and going to a prestigious college are not the only path to success as defined by living a life one is satisfied with. In any case, I'm not sure what you're attempting is do-able.You have a person who resists your efforts to send him in a certain direction, and you aren't always there to prompt him, and your husband for whatever reason doesn't pick up the slack in that effort when you're not there.

I couldn't agree more with the idea of public school and tutors after school, not just to get him to study but to get to know him and what motivates him and makes him feel successful. Because it sounds like right now he feels like every bit as much a failure as you do. What is he good at? Are you supporting that in healthy ways?

I'm glad you're getting the sense that your approach isn't working and you're willing to change. The sacrifices you're making aren't paying off, and are resulting in your spending less time with a family who needs you. The reality is that in too few years he will be beyond your reach to control. I think what he needs more than help with his Latin is help developing a sense of how you decide on and commit to a goal and achieve it, a skill he will need throughout his life.

As a nurse, if you had patients who were non-compliant, I doubt you would yell or nag thinking it would improve their compliance. I doubt you would decide they needed closer monitoring (1:1 at school). I understand this is a child - your child - and not an adult free to make unlimited choices, including bad ones. But punishment is typically a poor motivator.

[Heylove, BSN, RN, EMT-B]

Hugs coming your way, mama! Reach out for help anywhere you can...friends, family, talk to a counselor at the school about your son's performance.

I say the following to you as a mother of five, and coming from a "been there, done that" perspective. I'm also still doing it, actually. I faced many challenges as a parent, and trust me when I say that I made many, many mistakes that I own up to. Although there may be a few out there (namely my ex) who would love to remind me of all my faults and failures, I chose to move on and learn from my mistakes and rebuild my life. Anyway...all of this to say:

Keep your focus on the things that are going right. You have a healthy and happy child, right? There are always going to be some areas to improve, but let's focus on strengths instead of looking at the faults. Don't sweat the small stuff. And it's all small stuff!

Start with the basics. Get enough sleep, exercise, eat nutritious food, take your vitamins and stay hydrated. Get a full physical exam and blood tests to make sure you are working at your full potential. Things like thyroid, vitamin D and of course iron levels will really mess you up if not kept in check. You know all this, MamaNurse! I know you do! But instead of making excuses for why you can't, just DO IT.

One step at a time. Don't expect changes overnight. He's in 5th grade. You didn't mention if there were other children in the house or not, but either way, you have many years ahead. 5th grade is the beginning of a transition milestone. Soon there will be junior high, and then (gulp!) high school. The routines, rules and expectations you set now will set the baseline for the next several years.

That Fortnight is a bump in the road, although it is a MAJOR pain in the rear-end. We deal with it in our house, too. I don't know how old you are, but every generation has had to deal with similar electronic device challenges: Pong, Atari, Nintendo, Playstation, Xbox, etc... And now smart phones and social media? Goodness gracious, it's a lot to manage!

And then comes the conversation with the husband. The advice of others here seems spot on. The most important thing I can suggest is that you and your husband MUST be on the same page. Sure, you'll have different parenting styles and approach your relationship with your son in your unique ways. Do not allow your son to turn the two of you against each other. Be a united front. Therapy (EAP through your employer?) is an excellent resource.

You've got this, mama! Take care!

[WanderingWilder, ASN]

Is it possible he has a learning disability? Sometimes these things aren't obvious. I'm not sure how testing would work through the private school. Its something to consider. Hopefully you get support from the school.