I have tried so hard to be a good nurse. I went through the hell that is nursing school, sacrificed years and so much money for this garbage. I feel so miserable. I haven't been happy since I started working as a nurse. My whole soul is sucked dry...every day I give so much to my patients but somehow I never do enough. How is this possible?
It's really just the little things. For example, I was on the phone with an NP today talking about a patient's plan of care. All the sudden, I hear the unit clerk yell at me across the hallway. I turn around and she goes "oh, sorry." It wasn't until I got off the phone that I realized she was yelling at me because I was taking too long to answer the call bell...she probably realized since I was on the phone I didn't get the message. There were 2 other times that day I was slow in getting to a light (#1 I was in the middle of giving discharge instructions #2 I was in the middle of a dressing change)...I do what I think is right but there's always something else I should've done. I give up.
I love my patient population because I love children. But I really hate the hospital and I haven't been myself in a long time. I miss being happy. I am only 23 and I feel like my whole life is ruined because I'm a nurse. I'm at least trying to get my year in but I can't stop and think why I am so miserable all the time just to "get a year in"...I'm not kidding. I am beginning to feel no desire to live because all I do is go to work, sleep, and eat. All that happens at work is that I am worked like a mule.
Then to kick it all off, I saw two of my old coworkers (it's a long story but basically I switched units in the hospital because HR offered to have me pilot a new unit). When they saw me they paused talking. I noticed they were saying mouthing something to each other (which can never be good) and I just feel so *** about myself. These 2 people were senior nurses who had to help me a lot on my old unit. I was oriented there as a new grad so obviously I had a lot of questions...I think they think I'm stupid or something and I'm just so tired of everyone telling me I'm not doing enough.
I come home only having eaten one apple the whole day. My feet hurt so badly and all I did today was sit on my floor and sob.
I am seriously thinking about switching into the business field or something where I can work from home/sit in a cubicle. I feel like I give so much of my energy and time for nothing...for all the work I do just to be discredited. Am I just an incompetent nurse? I'm not understanding why I seem to be having so much trouble why everyone else just breezes by.
I really just want to be happy again ? I hate nursing. SO MUCH
Quit and get a different nursing job. You are miserable and this focus on “getting a year in” is insane when you are barely functioning. I understand it is hard to think clearly when you’re trying to survive but listen to yourself!
Go work in a doctor’s office, a clinic, even at an insurance company. There are non-hospital jobs available (I have one). You are so focused on getting hospital experience, why? So that after your year, you can get a different hospital job?
I will repeat my common theme from other posts and threads. The hospital is not the end all to be all of jobs. Unless there is a path that hospital is a requirement (CRNA, some non hospital or non bedside jobs) then look outside of the hospital
Definitely do as others suggested and talk to a mental health professional about it. It sounds like you are depressed or burned out, or both. You also sound like you are too hard on yourself. You seem to care deeply about your patients, and that's a truly wonderful thing to have...don't lose it. But...you are "bringing your work home" and it's affecting who you are. Pediatric nurses have to be really strong and compassionate, but also need to be able to separate, or compartmentalize what they see. Yes, I know that's easier said than done...
Nursing everywhere is filled with "neediness." I mean, you are dealing with people who are sick, families who are frustrated, low staffing that is the normal everywhere and being the nurse, a lot of the time, it seems everyone is expecting you to do everything...yes, it can be very frustrating. I take a break at work and go to my car if I can. It's more about the mental break needed, and it helps so much.
It might also just be the type of nursing you are doing and the long shifts. Perhaps a change to a different unit, something less intense, or a change in 12hr shifts to 8 hrs on a outpatient unit or something like that. If you have been working 12 hrs shifts, not taking breaks and being a new nurse...it will wear you down after awhile. I did about the same for my first few years of nursing and I got burned out...but it did get better. I changed jobs to one with a better work environment, one where I got to take breaks and mostly got out on time, and it made a huge difference.
I'm sorry you are feeling this way, but I hope it gets better for you:)
Child abuse is an absolute horrible thing to happen and I can't imagine having to see that at work a lot. Can you talk to some co-workers about it and how they deal with it? There are a lot of horrible things that happen in this world, things that happen daily, and if you focus on that, it will make you feeling like what is the point...can you think of the times you made that child smile? the difference you made in helping a child get better?
It also sounds like your job seems to be your life at this point, and you hate the job...people need more than a job they hate..they need friends, family, interactions outside of work. With covid, that definitely restricts it more, but you need more out of life than work.
Nursing is a horrible job. Nurses are absolutely atrocious to each other, nurses are underpaid and work in typically horrible conditions with little respect. Nurses work short staffed with limited resources and ignore blatant safety issues regarding patient care on a wide scale basis and their blind eye to safety issues is an enormous contributing factor to the high death rate from medical errors. The response that what you are feeling is normal for a new nurse and you'll get over it is nonsense. Adapting to a culture of abuse and being degraded isn't getting used to something. It's simply getting beat down into accepting the abuse with peers fostering this. I would absolutely steer anyone away from this field until nurses learn ethics. Working in understaffed situations because the patients need us is what contributed to the problem. Walking out until safety issues are addressed would protect more people so let's stop pretending we are protecting patients looking away, we are protecting our jobs jobs we don't deserve when we ignore patient safety which happens on a wide scale basis.
Nursing is NOT a horrible job although YMMV. I am proud to be a nurse as I had an impact on individual/families lives. I am assuming your experience is different.
On 7/26/2020 at 9:12 AM, DJJ Nonya said:
I would absolutely steer anyone away from this field until nurses learn ethics which with a negative attitude can happen.
Are you speaking of yourself?
I am retired and with my social security payment and my savings I have a lifestyle I am comfortable with. I also use the skills I learned in nursing (such as research, close reading, organization, time management and more) to supplement my income -- at least until COVID closed my outlets for buying and selling.
On 7/26/2020 at 9:12 AM, DJJ Nonya said:
to safety issues is an enormous contributing factor to the high death rate from medical errors.
Oh all knowing and seeing, when have you complained to a manager about what you see as a safety issue? When have you implemented safer practices in your own practice?
Feeling bad about the problems in society doesn't cause you to "go to hell". With all my Catholic school education, I can tell you the abusers are the ones going to hell.
Sorry I must have written that poorly. These were things I was doing (not simultaneously) while a call light had gone off AKA all at different points of the day. I am not understanding this advice of telling people every movement I am making "I am going to heat up formula" "I am going to talk to a parent" or (what you suggested) "I am going to talk to the NP now (how am I supposed to predict phone calls??) etc, it is not realistic to report every little thing I do. that just doesn't make sense...the person who was yelling at me was not a fellow nurse, but a unit clerk (the front desk person/IPC). I just assumed maybe she doesn't understand the role of a nurse and that I don't just sit around to answer call bells
today was a rough day for me (yet again). not as a nurse, but as a human. I keep seeing child abuse cases that make me feel sick to my stomach. I might have to ditch this whole career because I can't spend every night crying...I really hate nursing.
I get everything you are going through.
Beennthere...haha! Seriously, I agree with just about everything that has been said so far. You DO sound like a conscientious nurse and are doing your best to prioritize your work. It does get easier in time, but it sounds like you are not being supported enough as a relatively new nurse. I’m going to assume you’ve asked for support, but then I understand that sometimes we get so overwhelmed we don’t even know what to ask for and just keep trying to get everything done.
I wouldn’t give up just yet, but as others have said, try getting counseling for support. It doesn’t mean you are weak, just that this profession can be very taxing in so many ways for even the most experienced. You need a good mentor also who can provide you with a sounding board, advice and simply to vent with. It made all the difference for me over the years....First med error, the time I ALMOST gave an injection hitting the sciatic nerve, the fist death I experienced and so much more...She saved me a lot of heartache and kept me going.
Just one person can make you doubt your own worth, even if you are doing perfectly fine.
Yelling down a hallway is rude behavior except in a life threatening emergency,
If you don't respond, folks need to assume you are occupied, not that you are goofing off. Take a message, or walk up politely and interrupt. I see that situation as her mistake, not yours.
If you are depressed you need to speak to a physician. And most first year nurses could really, really use a therapist. Get someone you can unload on.
Your coworkers could have been saying "she's the new grad that dealt with that burned toddler, and got the parents to be honest" in other words you did well, and their expression is about the situation, not you. Don't assume the worst of them!
I think you are probably doing an exceptional job, and it will get easier with time (and some coaching for that ward clerk) but if you need to go elsewhere, be proud of yourself for recognizing what you need. It's not failure, it's just moving on with your life.
Take your Nursing show on the Road, entrepreneurial RN!!
Take the business class, check out NNBA (National Nurses in Business). Work with those beautiful children in the setting that you choose, ie. the community, for ex.
Getting that year in these days would be difficult, given the corporatized acute hospitals' way of boosting their bottoms on the backs of nurses. Labor, unappreciated except during Nurses Week except by our colleagues and some exceptional managers.
I've had two jobs where I doubted my ability to be a nurse, and it was a job environment issue. When I moved to my next job, all my flaws (not ALL, but most) melted away, and I felt like a better person. Criticism can snowball, you can doubt yourself so much that you cant deal with your work responsibilities effectively. Don't give up on yourself.
CommunityRNBSN, BSN, RN
928 Posts
Quit and get a different nursing job. You are miserable and this focus on “getting a year in” is insane when you are barely functioning. I understand it is hard to think clearly when you’re trying to survive but listen to yourself!
Go work in a doctor’s office, a clinic, even at an insurance company. There are non-hospital jobs available (I have one). You are so focused on getting hospital experience, why? So that after your year, you can get a different hospital job?