I have tried so hard to be a good nurse. I went through the hell that is nursing school, sacrificed years and so much money for this garbage. I feel so miserable. I haven't been happy since I started working as a nurse. My whole soul is sucked dry...every day I give so much to my patients but somehow I never do enough. How is this possible?
It's really just the little things. For example, I was on the phone with an NP today talking about a patient's plan of care. All the sudden, I hear the unit clerk yell at me across the hallway. I turn around and she goes "oh, sorry." It wasn't until I got off the phone that I realized she was yelling at me because I was taking too long to answer the call bell...she probably realized since I was on the phone I didn't get the message. There were 2 other times that day I was slow in getting to a light (#1 I was in the middle of giving discharge instructions #2 I was in the middle of a dressing change)...I do what I think is right but there's always something else I should've done. I give up.
I love my patient population because I love children. But I really hate the hospital and I haven't been myself in a long time. I miss being happy. I am only 23 and I feel like my whole life is ruined because I'm a nurse. I'm at least trying to get my year in but I can't stop and think why I am so miserable all the time just to "get a year in"...I'm not kidding. I am beginning to feel no desire to live because all I do is go to work, sleep, and eat. All that happens at work is that I am worked like a mule.
Then to kick it all off, I saw two of my old coworkers (it's a long story but basically I switched units in the hospital because HR offered to have me pilot a new unit). When they saw me they paused talking. I noticed they were saying mouthing something to each other (which can never be good) and I just feel so *** about myself. These 2 people were senior nurses who had to help me a lot on my old unit. I was oriented there as a new grad so obviously I had a lot of questions...I think they think I'm stupid or something and I'm just so tired of everyone telling me I'm not doing enough.
I come home only having eaten one apple the whole day. My feet hurt so badly and all I did today was sit on my floor and sob.
I am seriously thinking about switching into the business field or something where I can work from home/sit in a cubicle. I feel like I give so much of my energy and time for nothing...for all the work I do just to be discredited. Am I just an incompetent nurse? I'm not understanding why I seem to be having so much trouble why everyone else just breezes by.
I really just want to be happy again ? I hate nursing. SO MUCH
WOW!!, I really did not expect to get this much feedback. Thank you all for your response! I had my employee performance review with my manager today, and I have come to the conclusion that all my doubts were in my head. My manager said everyone had great things to say about me and that some nurses were upset to hear I'm moving to the brand new "piloting" unit.
My hospital is in a weird place right now though...the place I was supposed to be piloting has now had a delayed opening due to low patient census across the hospital. They have now offered me a position either in the NICU permanantly or as a informatics nurse (only for 3 months) until the pilot unit opens. I'm unsure of what to do because as a new nurse I am scared to lose my skills if I choose to do informatics. At the same time, I am unsure if I'm ready to move to the ICU...I guess I have to make some decisions
I'm not even a nurse yet, BUT I am old and have lots of experience and I could tell by your post that you were being WAY too hard on yourself. You sound like an excellent nurse, and since I have been in hospitals my whole life with my mom (recurring brain tumors) I 100% know you are the kind of nurse I always loved to have with us.
Please know that people are not always talking bad when they talk about you, and sometimes they are just shy to say the good stuff. I know I am guilty of talking about how much I like a certain nurse or a different one or whatever. But I would get embarrassed if they walked in while I was praising them when I was younger. (My mom got sick when I was 17.)
I knew when you said they picked you to do the piloting that you were probably doing a MUCH better job than you thought. The only problem I see here is that you care so much and have so much empathy that it is coming home with you. You have to learn to differentiate between work and your personal life and that is not easy to do and takes time.
I have had some hard times doing it in my line of work that is not remotely like nursing so I can ONLY imagine nursing is a million times harder to let go of when you cross the threshold.
Remember you are only one person, and there is a whole hospital of people there that are supposed to be helping as well. You can't do it all. You ARE important, you ARE necessary, but you are not alone.
Hope this helps, at least a little, and hang in there cuz you sound wonderful to me.
WOW!!, I really did not expect to get this much feedback. Thank you all for your response! I had my employee performance review with my manager today, and I have come to the conclusion that all my doubts were in my head. My manager said everyone had great things to say about me and that some nurses were upset to hear I'm moving to the brand new "piloting" unit.
My hospital is in a weird place right now though...the place I was supposed to be piloting has now had a delayed opening due to low patient census across the hospital. They have now offered me a position either in the NICU permanantly or as a informatics nurse (only for 3 months) until the pilot unit opens. I'm unsure of what to do because as a new nurse I am scared to lose my skills if I choose to do informatics. At the same time, I am unsure if I'm ready to move to the ICU...I guess I have to make some decisions
I'm not even a nurse yet, BUT I am old and have lots of experience and I could tell by your post that you were being WAY too hard on yourself. You sound like an excellent nurse, and since I have been in hospitals my whole life with my mom (recurring brain tumors) I 100% know you are the kind of nurse I always loved to have with us.
Please know that people are not always talking bad when they talk about you, and sometimes they are just shy to say the good stuff. I know I am guilty of talking about how much I like a certain nurse or a different one or whatever. But I would get embarrassed if they walked in while I was praising them when I was younger. (My mom got sick when I was 17.)
I knew when you said they picked you to do the piloting that you were probably doing a MUCH better job than you thought. The only problem I see here is that you care so much and have so much empathy that it is coming home with you. You have to learn to differentiate between work and your personal life and that is not easy to do and takes time.
I have had some hard times doing it in my line of work that is not remotely like nursing so I can ONLY imagine nursing is a million times harder to let go of when you cross the threshold.
Remember you are only one person, and there is a whole hospital of people there that are supposed to be helping as well. You can't do it all. You ARE important, you ARE necessary, but you are not alone.
Hope this helps, at least a little, and hang in there cuz you sound wonderful to me.
OH! edited to add: Having been spending so much time as I have to be in hospitals with my Mom and a former boyfriend that was in a very traumatic accident with lots and lots of follow up surgeries; having to wait a little bit for a nurse to answer a call is not the end of the world. And most of us understand that you can't just run in whenever we call. Truly, waiting a few minutes is fine. They are hooked up to monitors and you will know if it's urgent. My EX boyfriend was super impatient and annoying but even he didn't gripe for a wait of a few minutes. Some patients can be irritating but they can wait.
I am not a nurse yet, still in school! Just to reiterate.
today was a rough day for me (yet again). not as a nurse, but as a human. I keep seeing child abuse cases that make me feel sick to my stomach. I might have to ditch this whole career because I can't spend every night crying...I really hate nursing.
I'm going to say upfront that I haven't read this entire thread, so if what I am about to say has been said, forgive me.
I wonder if you just need to try working with a different population. Kids just aren't my thing. I would bawl at work daily, which I think the poor kids should be spared from.
Maybe try a nursing home, or a clinic before you give up.
I'm going to say upfront that I haven't read this entire thread, so if what I am about to say has been said, forgive me.
I wonder if you just need to try working with a different population. Kids just aren't my thing. I would bawl at work daily, which I think the poor kids should be spared from.
Maybe try a nursing home, or a clinic before you give up.
I feel like I go on constant rollercoasters with this profession...inpatient nursing makes me so depressed. I become suicidal before every shift because I hate it that much (I know that's not normal). I don't have this issue on my days off, so that's telling me this job is killing my entire mental health. Because I am a new grad, I still feel like I have to stay here at least a year before I leave. I am about 6 months in and I still hate it...I just feel like this may not be for me. Do you know anyone who switched out of the field completely? I'm not sure if switching specialties will help me. I worked in inpatient adults for 2 months and became extremely suicidal to the point where I had to quit and live back with my parents. Because I quit a job right out of college, I feel I have to "prove myself" with this current one by staying for at least 1-2 years. I'm just not sure why nursing makes me suicidal all the time. when I was unemployed and looking for my second job (my current one) I was a lot happier and not suicidal.
On 8/5/2020 at 5:11 PM, Christie Maness said:
I'm not even a nurse yet, BUT I am old and have lots of experience and I could tell by your post that you were being WAY too hard on yourself. You sound like an excellent nurse, and since I have been in hospitals my whole life with my mom (recurring brain tumors) I 100% know you are the kind of nurse I always loved to have with us. Please know that people are not always talking bad when they talk about you, and sometimes they are just shy to say the good stuff. I know I am guilty of talking about how much I like a certain nurse or a different one or whatever. But I would get embarrassed if they walked in while I was praising them when I was younger. (My mom got sick when I was 17.)
I knew when you said they picked you to do the piloting that you were probably doing a MUCH better job than you thought. The only problem I see here is that you care so much and have so much empathy that it is coming home with you. You have to learn to differentiate between work and your personal life and that is not easy to do and takes time.
I have had some hard times doing it in my line of work that is not remotely like nursing so I can ONLY imagine nursing is a million times harder to let go of when you cross the threshold.
Remember you are only one person, and there is a whole hospital of people there that are supposed to be helping as well. You can't do it all. You ARE important, you ARE necessary, but you are not alone.
Hope this helps, at least a little, and hang in there cuz you sound wonderful to me.
OH! edited to add: Having been spending so much time as I have to be in hospitals with my Mom and a former boyfriend that was in a very traumatic accident with lots and lots of follow up surgeries; having to wait a little bit for a nurse to answer a call is not the end of the world. And most of us understand that you can't just run in whenever we call. Truly, waiting a few minutes is fine. They are hooked up to monitors and you will know if it's urgent. My EX boyfriend was super impatient and annoying but even he didn't gripe for a wait of a few minutes. Some patients can be irritating but they can wait.
I am not a nurse yet, still in school! Just to reiterate.
thank you so much for your kind words ? because I become extremely suicidal with inpatient nursing, IDK that I can be a great nurse. I probably need to leave the field...
Maybe you were just emotional this time of month you write this kind of post but it had worried me a lot that you said you didn’t want to live because all you do is work, eat and sleep. Talking to someone can understand the emotional rollercoaster you seem to experience based on how you said you post this each month and help with the self doubt you had from coming back I think.
IDK if it's self-doubt that is making me this depressed...I think it's the entire inpatient nursing field. I feel so suicidal before shifts because I hate being a hospital nurse. you can read my above comments as to why I feel like I can't leave...I just dk what to do. I can't leave every job I have but I hate feeling so depressed over my job
Pinkdoves, you have frequently mentioned how you feel suicidal in relation to your nursing shifts/career. Many poster's have encouraged you to take a deep breath, cut yourself some slack, and realize it is really difficult to be a new nurse and it is normal to experience some situation depression related to this. However, having suicidal thoughts, at any time, exceeds situational depression and needs an immediate action plan. Dealing with suicidal feelings, regardless of what precedes them, is your priority.
I say this with care and empathy toward you. When you are feeling like you've been feeling it is REALLY confusing and hard to sort things out. Decisions about what to do in your career can wait. YOU are the priority right now. You may already be doing this (forgive me if you've already mentioned it), but please go see your doctor about this ASAP. He/she can help you now and also connect your with a mental health provider who can help more long-term. Also, a quick stop-gap might be through your hospital's EAP.
Thank you for being so brave to share your situation. You'll get this stuff figured out!
Pinkdoves, you have frequently mentioned how you feel suicidal in relation to your nursing shifts/career. Many poster's have encouraged you to take a deep breath, cut yourself some slack, and realize it is really difficult to be a new nurse and it is normal to experience some situation depression related to this. However, having suicidal thoughts, at any time, exceeds situational depression and needs an immediate action plan. Dealing with suicidal feelings, regardless of what precedes them, is your priority.
I say this with care and empathy toward you. When you are feeling like you've been feeling it is REALLY confusing and hard to sort things out. Decisions about what to do in your career can wait. YOU are the priority right now. You may already be doing this (forgive me if you've already mentioned it), but please go see your doctor about this ASAP. He/she can help you now and also connect your with a mental health provider who can help more long-term. Also, a quick stop-gap might be through your hospital's EAP.
Thank you for being so brave to share your situation. You'll get this stuff figured out!
I asked to take PTO for some shifts next week...I think I may need a break. luckily I am going into informatics nursing 2 weeks from now until about November (it's a temp project to help out the hospital) so I think that may give me more time to regroup. I agree I probably need professional help. thanks so much for your feedback!!
Specializes in Pediatrics, Pediatric Float, PICU, NICU.
2 hours ago, pinkdoves said:
thank you so much for your kind words ? because I become extremely suicidal with inpatient nursing, IDK that I can be a great nurse. I probably need to leave the field...
Please, please please seek some professional help. I can not stress this enough. You need help, you deserve better than to feel that way prior to your shifts.
Yeah I mean, I would take everyone's advice and speak to a professional in mental health to help you sort out these feelings.
I have dreaded going to work before as a nurse, but not the the point I was suicidal. That doesn't mean I was stronger than you or better, but I do understand dreading going in. It takes a lot of courage to ask for help.
IMO it won't effect your future job opportunities to leave now, depending on what part of the country you're in. I didn't complete a full year of nursing before I left and moved, and I didn't have a hard time finding work. I'm not saying that's good to do I'm just saying if that's your fear, please put your health above that because you can still work again.
I still feel this way sometimes even after 5 years of being a nurse. Many of us who are attracted to this work want to provide the best care and hate to disappoint our patients or coworkers. What I've realized over the years is that the workflow of nurses just has not been designed to allow for this. You are expected to be everywhere/do everything, when you are one person with a limited amount of time/energy. Your coworkers should understand this since they're in the same boat, but there are always a few crabs who expect perfection from everyone else while probably leaving things not done themselves.
Some days I still have to remind myself to stay calm, prioritize, and get to things when I am able to (while keeping things safe. If there are 2 critical things going on, you should be able to ask for and receive help from a coworker/charge nurse).
Also, eat lunch. I used to go the whole shift without eating/drinking and that will definitely make you miserable (and sick!). It's amazing what a difference sitting down and eating something will do. If the culture of your workplace discourages nurses from having a proper lunch, then you need to get out of there asap and try somewhere else.
Yes! Absolutely do your best to care for yourself with your needed breaks and don't feel timid about speaking with the charge nurse about your need for a break. You just can't please everyone. From what I've heard through the grapevine of all my nursing school friends and coworkers, most places are going to have hyper-critical nurses who can target you no matter how competent you are.
Nurses can be so critical of other nurses who are hard-working and dedicated with great critical thinking skills and everything else. The culture of gossip is toxic but, from what I have heard, it is prevalent nearly everywhere. It's hard enough to be working yourself so hard that you can't take the breaks needed and then have negativity slung your way.
I worked the night shift and always dreaded the morning report. It made me very anxious. I was one of the few night nurses that would mostly always be on my feet, making sure all my patients were properly cared for, as so many others would be sleepy or be on their phones. When dayshift came around, some of what we referred to as "the mean girls" would actually go through my charting and ask me about little things that were done during the shift, even though my report was always providing them with an abundance of information that they would need to continue care. I was a really strong nurse in m/s. To the point that my charge nurse would up my acuity because she knew I would actually get the job done (so I heard). It never was enough for dayshifters though. They had no clue how exhausted I was from being so dedicated all shift. It was pretty soul-crushing.
Absolutely seek support. Most organizations provide this, I believe. Plus, now is a time of great need for therapy for all nurses. We cannot let this virus burn out our workforce! I have found affordable therapy through an online therapist (can't say what it is due to the rules of the site) that I meet with weekly. It has helped me tremendously.
Don't give up! The OP really shows me that you are dedicated to your work as a nurse but you have just hit a few snags with navigating the culture. Being a bedside nurse does not need to be for the rest of your career. You can get your masters in nursing leadership or MBA and work on creating the change that you wish to see from higher up. You are young and have accomplished so much at this point. If I were you, I would think of how I can spread my wings in nursing instead of throwing in the towel.
I know others have said it before but as a mental health counselor (hopeful RN student), I would strongly encourage you to seek professional help. Not only is it very serious to have active suicidal thoughts, but a therapist could also help you in clarifying and exploring if nursing is for you and how to make the most of your career. It sounds like you might also benefit from exploring your self-esteem and bolstering your ability to manage stress in healthy ways.
Going to therapy changed my life for better, I learned so much about myself and so many skills that I use to improve my quality of life. As both a practitioner and participant, I can't recommend it highly enough ?
You sound like a nurse/person who cares a lot which can be an immense strength and also, at times, be a detriment. And that’s okay. It’s a matter of learning how to navigate situations that will honestly occur in any workplace. It is possible that there are a lot more interpersonal dynamics in some jobs (nursing) than others, but I think it’s realistic to expect dynamics everywhere.
Being new can definitely add a factor of others essentially taking advantage of the situation and telling you what to do. Heck, even if someone is *not new, but doesn’t conform to a clique, for example, he or she will still face these situations more often. (Maybe this is merely my own observation, but I think it seems quite logical with human nature :/).
When someone mentioned to let colleagues know what you would Gr doing, it’s simply a very *tactful (and also mildly “safe,” assertive) approach to informing them that you are going to be busy with said important nursing tasks. In other words, sometimes it’s easy for staff members to tell you, “Your patient’s call light is going off,” and expecting you to run and take care of it. However, you can establish your priorities by stating to them, “If I have any calls for my patients at the nurse’s station or something, Ill be in room 202 doing a dressing change.” You’re informing them so, for your own peace of mind in a way, they will be made aware that you are not available to simply go answer call lights and 2) you are also demonstrating a “courtesy” of keeping them in-the-know. (Does anyone necessarily want to give that courtesy when treated like crap? Probably not. But it will help in the longrun).
You seem like such a caring individual and I hope that you will be able to believe for yourself that patients need nurses like you who genuinely care about doing a great job and looking after their well-being.
Christie Maness
4 Posts
I'm not even a nurse yet, BUT I am old and have lots of experience and I could tell by your post that you were being WAY too hard on yourself. You sound like an excellent nurse, and since I have been in hospitals my whole life with my mom (recurring brain tumors) I 100% know you are the kind of nurse I always loved to have with us.
Please know that people are not always talking bad when they talk about you, and sometimes they are just shy to say the good stuff. I know I am guilty of talking about how much I like a certain nurse or a different one or whatever. But I would get embarrassed if they walked in while I was praising them when I was younger. (My mom got sick when I was 17.)
I knew when you said they picked you to do the piloting that you were probably doing a MUCH better job than you thought. The only problem I see here is that you care so much and have so much empathy that it is coming home with you. You have to learn to differentiate between work and your personal life and that is not easy to do and takes time.
I have had some hard times doing it in my line of work that is not remotely like nursing so I can ONLY imagine nursing is a million times harder to let go of when you cross the threshold.
Remember you are only one person, and there is a whole hospital of people there that are supposed to be helping as well. You can't do it all. You ARE important, you ARE necessary, but you are not alone.
Hope this helps, at least a little, and hang in there cuz you sound wonderful to me.