I have tried so hard to be a good nurse. I went through the hell that is nursing school, sacrificed years and so much money for this garbage. I feel so miserable. I haven't been happy since I started working as a nurse. My whole soul is sucked dry...every day I give so much to my patients but somehow I never do enough. How is this possible?
It's really just the little things. For example, I was on the phone with an NP today talking about a patient's plan of care. All the sudden, I hear the unit clerk yell at me across the hallway. I turn around and she goes "oh, sorry." It wasn't until I got off the phone that I realized she was yelling at me because I was taking too long to answer the call bell...she probably realized since I was on the phone I didn't get the message. There were 2 other times that day I was slow in getting to a light (#1 I was in the middle of giving discharge instructions #2 I was in the middle of a dressing change)...I do what I think is right but there's always something else I should've done. I give up.
I love my patient population because I love children. But I really hate the hospital and I haven't been myself in a long time. I miss being happy. I am only 23 and I feel like my whole life is ruined because I'm a nurse. I'm at least trying to get my year in but I can't stop and think why I am so miserable all the time just to "get a year in"...I'm not kidding. I am beginning to feel no desire to live because all I do is go to work, sleep, and eat. All that happens at work is that I am worked like a mule.
Then to kick it all off, I saw two of my old coworkers (it's a long story but basically I switched units in the hospital because HR offered to have me pilot a new unit). When they saw me they paused talking. I noticed they were saying mouthing something to each other (which can never be good) and I just feel so *** about myself. These 2 people were senior nurses who had to help me a lot on my old unit. I was oriented there as a new grad so obviously I had a lot of questions...I think they think I'm stupid or something and I'm just so tired of everyone telling me I'm not doing enough.
I come home only having eaten one apple the whole day. My feet hurt so badly and all I did today was sit on my floor and sob.
I am seriously thinking about switching into the business field or something where I can work from home/sit in a cubicle. I feel like I give so much of my energy and time for nothing...for all the work I do just to be discredited. Am I just an incompetent nurse? I'm not understanding why I seem to be having so much trouble why everyone else just breezes by.
I really just want to be happy again ? I hate nursing. SO MUCH
Bedside nursing may not be for you. Or maybe you should give it more time-possibly in a different hospital so that you can start over fresh. I've only been a bedside nurse for 10.5 years but I can say that it's never been a role that I have fully enjoyed. There is a lot about the role of a bedside nurse that I knew I would never enjoy. Nursing is my second career and in nursing school I knew that bedside nursing was not my ultimate destination, however, I wanted a well-rounded experience. Flash forward 10 years and now I've finally made it to grad school which was always my goal.
So, like I said, maybe bedside nursing is not for you. It's hard to ascertain from an online post and give solid advice based off of just that. However, I will say that you should probably think about airing all of these feelings out with a therapist. An objective view is what's probably needed.
Also, the wonderful thing about nursing is that the career options are almost endless: Nurse Researcher, inpatient case manager (or case manager for an insurance company), Infection Control RN, Nurse Educator/Clinical Nurse Specialist, Nurse Manager, NP, working for a pharmaceutical company, Nurse Informaticist...the list just goes on and on.
Only you know what's right for yourself. Just take some time to explore your options within the nursing field before deciding to do away with it altogether.
It may be your environment is toxic. The day anyone yelled at me about a call light, especially when I have a justified reason why I can not hop to go get it, would be the day we would be having a talk. You deserve a certain amount of respect (as you need to also give it) while in the workplace. That and if you are being talked about does not leave an environment very conducive to wanting to go continue or go above and beyond in it. The environment could be crappy and you may need to move on to a place more supportive. It may be that you just are not feeling nursing, and that is also okay. I'd try to change something up first before calling it quits altogether. Perhaps try to get another job not in that facility or away from the bedside and if you still are feeling this way, then evaluate if being a nurse is what you really want to do. If you don't, go find what makes you content.
Specializes in Psychiatry, Community, Nurse Manager, hospice.
On 7/26/2020 at 7:27 PM, canoehead said:
I've had two jobs where I doubted my ability to be a nurse, and it was a job environment issue. When I moved to my next job, all my flaws (not ALL, but most) melted away, and I felt like a better person. Criticism can snowball, you can doubt yourself so much that you cant deal with your work responsibilities effectively. Don't give up on yourself.
Being a new grad nurse is difficult no matter what. Your co-workers need to be understanding of this.
When I first started on my floor as a nurse last year (started out cardiac and now we are strictly COVID), I was shy and timid. Even though I already knew the nurses because I had been a tech all through nursing school. I was nervous that I would do something wrong. I didn’t really have any time management related to nursing — I would get so frantic trying to get all of the little things done and my meds passed on time and I felt like I was not doing a good job. I rarely ate lunch because I never felt like there was a “good time” or that I was “caught up enough” to be able to do so.
This made me very tired, very quickly, and the burn out was real. One day I nearly passed out because I hadn’t eaten anything and admin was pushing me about discharges because the ED was crowded and the cycle continued BUT one of the nurses finally told me something and it kind of changed my perspective.
“What are you doing right now that is SO important you can’t grab something to eat for 10 minutes?” I said, “well I have this discharge and another one waiting and I’m getting...blah blah blah.” She replied, “Can you do any of those things when you’re passed out in the floor? I always make sure that I have an opportunity to at least eat some crackers because if it is not life-threatening to any of my patients it will be fine if I stop for 10 minutes.”
Something about that small conversation made a big difference in the way I looked at things. I do have days where maybe I eat a pack of crackers and that didn’t happen until 1600, but for the most part I always get to eat a lunch. I have become better at prioritizing my time and I QUIT PUTTING SO MUCH PRESSURE ON MYSELF.
You are a person. You are a nurse. To be an effective nurse you must take care of yourself. Find some co-workers on your unit that you can lean on and ask questions and get help from. Surely one of them can help you out by answering your call lights if you know you’re going to be busy with a task for a while. For example, I would let the nurse near my section know I am getting an admission and I would be doing their Part 1 and Part 2 in just a minute - does she mind watching my other lights. I’ve only had one nurse have a problem with that and so I asked someone else.
Even though I am only a CNA right now, I can tell you are a good nurse, as I watch mine daily to figure out what I want to be like and what I never want to be like. The best nurses are present and accountable, but not totally self-sacrificing. Yes, many skip breaks and meals, but eat while charting. I had one tell me to hydrate because she'd seen that I had worked the better part of a double (16 hours) with no break or lunch. Hydrating helps your muscles not be sore the next day. On the way to work, I get a large sweet tea from McDee's for the caffeine and sugar rush and then refill with ice and water several times throughout the day. On a routine pee break, I grab a few bites of a sandwich or suck down a yogurt and I'm good to go. I don't even sit.
Also, delegating more is a great piece of advice--CNAs or PCTs are there to answer lights. That's my job! If I answer a light and the resident needs something out of my scope that only a nurse can do, I relay that message. We joke that our rehab unit is the Ritz Carlton because it looks like Christmas with all the lights and they are extra needy, for the most inane things at times. The Alzheimer's unit and regular LTC unit are a lot more chill most days. Full moons don't count.
Yes, you should speak to that person who yelled down the hall at you. Not acceptable at all, unless there's a fall, fight, or code. They could frighten or wake a sleeping patient within earshot. I do one of 2 things to get my nurse's attention if on the phone/otherwise busy--write what the resident needs on an index card along with their name and room # and place in front of them, or stand close looming in a sort of pee-pee dance urgency. I'm not easily missed because I'm pretty tall. They get to me when they are at a good stopping point. People in administrative duties are so often clueless about how we have things prioritized, as I have been told that a resident needs to be toileted or changed, etc., by one passing through...even though they might have been next on my round. Don't take it personally. One of the best things someone ever told me was attributed to Hillary Clinton during her Lewinsky woes--she said she learned to "take things seriously but not personally". As in, I acknowlege what you are saying and may address it, but it's not a judgement or poor reflection on anything I've done/am doing. The second came recently, when we were short-staffed, the AC wasn't working properly on much of the unit (80+degrees!), and a new nurse snapped at me that I needed to "prioritize" this one light because it had been on for "a hot minute". I told her I had to lay my people down from dinner first and then would then get the light of the person (whom I had recently changed). But I was enraged, mostly from the assumption I was ignoring the light. So I went to the nurse supervisor and spilled it all, told her I wanted to tender my resignation, etc. She said something about not reacting emotionally (in the kindest way), and offered me a gatorade LOL. This nurse was onto something, as she saw I was hot, hadn't had a break, and was emotionally overwrought. She knew that while emotion is part of what makes you a good aide (or nurse!), you gotta keep it in check by keeping your physical and mental states well at all times. Later on that night, I had to help that nurse who yelled at me put a resident on a bed pan. She'd literally never done it (and had it positioned upside down), so I guessed she'd never been an aide and that this was her first nursing job. From that point on, we were cool, and have been on every shift we work together.
I really hope you stay in nursing and on the boards because I'm sure you will have sage advice one day when I'm on the floor, and ready to give up!
WOW!, I really did not expect to get this much feedback. Thank you all for your response! I had my employee performance review with my manager today, and I have come to the conclusion that all my doubts were in my head. My manager said everyone had great things to say about me and that some nurses were upset to hear I'm moving to the brand new "piloting" unit.
My hospital is in a weird place right now though...the place I was supposed to be piloting has now had a delayed opening due to low patient census across the hospital. They have now offered me a position either in the NICU permanantly or as a informatics nurse (only for 3 months) until the pilot unit opens. I'm unsure of what to do because as a new nurse I am scared to lose my skills if I choose to do informatics. At the same time, I am unsure if I'm ready to move to the ICU...I guess I have to make some decisions
today was a rough day for me (yet again). not as a nurse, but as a human. I keep seeing child abuse cases that make me feel sick to my stomach. I might have to ditch this whole career because I can't spend every night crying...I really hate nursing.
I think it's your unit. I was traumatized during my peds rotation of undergrad due to seeing abused kids and said I would never do peds because I would lose my license, and probably my freedom, for beating the hell out of an abusive parent. That's too much for some of us, just as seeing the elderly die may be too much for people who love peds. The point is, we all have our limitations and our niche and peds seem to not bode well with your personality and it's doing harm to your mental health. If you're at the point of feeling like life is too much, you need to walk away from that unit ASAP. No job is worth your mental health and sense of self, literally none!
As for the coworkers, I'm unsure if you're internalizing everything due to already feeling emotionally drained, if your coworkers are rude because you're a young nurse (I've been there because I started nursing in my early 20s so I get it), or if you just need a break altogether. Please do talk to a counselor, and also maybe take a vacation or seek to change to an adult unit.
I think it's your unit. I was traumatized during my peds rotation of undergrad due to seeing abused kids and said I would never do peds because I would lose my license, and probably my freedom, for beating the hell out of an abusive parent. That's too much for some of us, just as seeing the elderly die may be too much for people who love peds. The point is, we all have our limitations and our niche and peds seem to not bode well with your personality and it's doing harm to your mental health. If you're at the point of feeling like life is too much, you need to walk away from that unit ASAP. No job is worth your mental health and sense of self, literally none!
As for the coworkers, I'm unsure if you're internalizing everything due to already feeling emotionally drained, if your coworkers are rude because you're a young nurse (I've been there because I started nursing in my early 20s so I get it), or if you just need a break altogether. Please do talk to a counselor, and also maybe take a vacation or seek to change to an adult unit.
I definitely felt "traumatized" when I was in my pediatric oncology rotation. Luckily, I don't work on that floor! I think there are sad things that happen in all populations and especially child abuse does upset me. But, I still have to say, working in pediatrics is somehow easier for me and more fun for me than when I did my short stint with adults. I honestly don't think I could ever work with adults again.
There has to be different people for different fields, so I'm glad you like working with adults. My mom says the same thing though (she's a dialysis nurse). She always asks me how I can ever hold someone else's child without feeling weird haha. Plus I work at a children's hospital and I am not leaving my employer !
I definitely felt "traumatized" when I was in my pediatric oncology rotation. Luckily, I don't work on that floor! I think there are sad things that happen in all populations and especially child abuse does upset me. But, I still have to say, working in pediatrics is somehow easier for me and more fun for me than when I did my short stint with adults. I honestly don't think I could ever work with adults again.
There has to be different people for different fields, so I'm glad you like working with adults. My mom says the same thing though (she's a dialysis nurse). She always asks me how I can ever hold someone else's child without feeling weird haha. Plus I work at a children's hospital and I am not leaving my employer !
Well alrighty then! ?
No seriously, I get it. Maybe you're emotionally drained and need a break. Not sure if it's possible with Rona on the loose but a staycation and some "me time" is definitely necessary. Also, please do consider talking to a counselor. Even if it's just to let off some steam and have a meltdown here and there, it's best to talk to someone and free your mind than carry the emotional baggage around. My issue wasn't peds, it was an abusive narcissistic ex and it's taken me a while but I feel like I'm finally getting back to my happy place. Wish you the best!
I felt like this as a newer nurse too! The hospital was just not a very good fit for me. I got super anxious and was incredibly unhappy. I am much happier working outpatient. I have done pedi homecare, which I found to be very low stress and you get to really help families. I think working at a pediatricians office would be a good job too! Fast paced and you’d see a lot, but I assume less stress than the hospital. I’m hoping to try that some day and eventually go on to be a school nurse. Outpatient nursing is so, so different than inpatient. Having a year of experience in the hospital would be great, but even 6 months could get your foot in the door in pedi homecare. Because that’s 1:1 nursing, they are always hiring. There is more out there!
You know I feel like it’s very easy for new nurses to fall into this sadness you feel because of the whole way we tend to think about this career through nursing school. I’m sure you’ve heard that many nursing students have rose colored glasses on..sometimes we visualize this career as something to complete our lives or to make us happy or something. It doesn’t help IMO when nurses are called superheroes (please forgive me I don’t mean to offend by this) but nurses are called superheroes some can interpret this as we are sort of set up to sacrifice our own health and happiness for others or like that this is more than a career or that our whole life has to be about nursing or something. Our job alone can’t fulfill us completely. You can get help for how you feel and find a way to make yourself happy again with some guidance. Please let someone help you!
WOW!!, I really did not expect to get this much feedback. Thank you all for your response! I had my employee performance review with my manager today, and I have come to the conclusion that all my doubts were in my head. My manager said everyone had great things to say about me and that some nurses were upset to hear I'm moving to the brand new "piloting" unit.
My hospital is in a weird place right now though...the place I was supposed to be piloting has now had a delayed opening due to low patient census across the hospital. They have now offered me a position either in the NICU permanantly or as a informatics nurse (only for 3 months) until the pilot unit opens. I'm unsure of what to do because as a new nurse I am scared to lose my skills if I choose to do informatics. At the same time, I am unsure if I'm ready to move to the ICU...I guess I have to make some decisions
Maybe you were just emotional this time of month you write this kind of post but it had worried me a lot that you said you didn’t want to live because all you do is work, eat and sleep. Talking to someone can understand the emotional rollercoaster you seem to experience based on how you said you post this each month and help with the self doubt you had from coming back I think.
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DemystifiedRN, BSN
4 Posts
Bedside nursing may not be for you. Or maybe you should give it more time-possibly in a different hospital so that you can start over fresh. I've only been a bedside nurse for 10.5 years but I can say that it's never been a role that I have fully enjoyed. There is a lot about the role of a bedside nurse that I knew I would never enjoy. Nursing is my second career and in nursing school I knew that bedside nursing was not my ultimate destination, however, I wanted a well-rounded experience. Flash forward 10 years and now I've finally made it to grad school which was always my goal.
So, like I said, maybe bedside nursing is not for you. It's hard to ascertain from an online post and give solid advice based off of just that. However, I will say that you should probably think about airing all of these feelings out with a therapist. An objective view is what's probably needed.
Also, the wonderful thing about nursing is that the career options are almost endless: Nurse Researcher, inpatient case manager (or case manager for an insurance company), Infection Control RN, Nurse Educator/Clinical Nurse Specialist, Nurse Manager, NP, working for a pharmaceutical company, Nurse Informaticist...the list just goes on and on.
Only you know what's right for yourself. Just take some time to explore your options within the nursing field before deciding to do away with it altogether.
I hope you find some peace.