I am 19 years old, and trying to get into 2009 nursing program........here is my story that needs advised.......
My husband and I have been married for 7 months and had a baby 10 months BEFORE we got married. We did jump into the marriage fairly QUICKLY, even though i do love him very, very much. We moved out of state, away from family, and we share the same apartment as his older brother. :icon_roll My husband works on afternoon shift, so he is gone all day at work and I go to school in the morning. I clean the place every day before he gets home, and attempt to cook dinner at least a few times a week (even though he isnt here). On top of that and school, i take care of our 1 1/2 year old son. i am with the baby all day every day, and its very hard to find time to study or do anything else. He doesnt help with the baby when he is here, which really upsets me b/c i am already taking care of him all day when hes not here. We have been fighting alot lately. I dont even know what about. But they are very emotionally hurtful for me. The term divorce and seperate has been bounced around in some arguments. I just feel like i am doing so much, not only materialistically, but also in trying to "help" our relationship and he isnt meeting me half way. Every time i try to tell him how i feel, he rolls his eyes and tells me to just stop. Or wont say ANYTHING at all, and tells me he isnt listening. Even after an argument, the next day i apologize but he is still angry at me and will not talk. I try to ask him what he needs from me in this marrige, but he is NEVER willing to talk beck with me about anything. I try telling him (when he is in a good mood) that he is doing a great job being a daddy and working every day, and i am very proud of him. But once we start fighting, he is a totally different person, and doesnt care about anything i am feeling. He doesnt show that he cares when i am very upset or crying. He says to me, " Well i take you out to eat and buy you things, What more do you want from me?" I really need emotional support right now, and he isnt giving me any. And to me, that matter more than anything. I feel as if i am a burden on his life, and he would be happier w/o me. Sometimes i even question if hes falling out of love with me. If so, then i just feel stuck, because we DID get married. I tell him that i really need to have someone to talk to, and i tried telling him exactly what i am typing right now, but he gets irritated and walks away. I just dont know what else to do. I dont just want to be another statistic thats shows another young couple getting a divorce. I DO love him, and want to try everything possible to keep this marriage healthy, but he needs to meet me halfway............IDK! i hope im not pushing him away, but i dont know how else to handle this....ANY ADVISE would be greatly appreciated! I know there are lots of moms and wifes on allnurses who may know what to say!
A lot of men (especially the young ones) think "I work all day to give a roof over your head that should show you that I love you." At least that is what my husband thought. A lot of men think actions not words show their love. I have been in the same place you are right now. Only difference was I was working a full time job instead of nursing school. I waited for nursing school until my marriage was on steady ground and my children were older, but that was the choice that I made.
At this point you have to decide what you are willing to put up with. I may be wrong, but I do not think that your husband is going to change over night and become the loving supportive man that every woman wants. That comes with time and maturity. Even then some men will not be that person. Case in point my husband, he does not tell me that I am wonderful an thanks for all that you do, but if I ask him to do something he will do it. In his own time and in his own way. He thinks this is how he shows his love. A long time ago I decided that I could accept this in my life. Not all women can, but I could not accept some of the things that they will accept behavior wise from their husbands.
You have to decide what you will accept from your husband. Now if he is abusive to you or your son you need to dump him now, but that does not sound like the case from your posting.
Nursing school is hard and life is harder. They will suck your marriage dry if you let them or being you both closer if you both work at it. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
I think a lot of us have been in your shoes. I was 23 and married and had 3 kids under the age of 4 when I started nursing school. I got no support from anyone, husband, parents, in laws, none of the above.
If you want to go to school, do it. Someone on here said, pull back, do your thing, make sure your schooling is important, make sure your baby is taken care of. If he's not eating what you cook, don't cook for him. Let him know you are doing your part on what is important for you.
Men of that age are, in my experience, quite immature. You can tell him frankly that you want to discuss what's going in your lives and how going to school makes things different, and how it will eventually help your lives be better. He may come around. He may not. YOU have to decide on one of several courses of action depending on his behavior.
In the end, it may come down to the old Ann Landers question: Am I (and my child/ren) better off with or without him? Only YOU know the true answer to that.
Oh, and someone mentioned in passing the word "abuse". Obviously if his actions are causing you this much problem, it is EMOTIONAL abuse. To me, that's worse than physical abuse, to a certain extent. My ex was physically abusive, but much worse to me is to remember the things he SAID, and didn't say, to this day.
You're 19, from my personal experience, your husband is not ready for the responsibility of being a MAN. I went through this with my ex, we didn't have kids together, thank god, but I learned a huge lesson. Your education and your child is your number one priority. It has to be. You need to provide for your child for at least the next 18 years, probably even the next 21. You have to give that child love and a home environment that is best for your child. An environment where fighting is a constant is not what's best. Move on with your education and away from the man. He's obviously not ready for the family responsibility. My husband has helped with our baby from day one, nightly feedings every 3 hours, diaper changes, bathes, dr. appts, everything. She's two now and he still does everything to help. You need a degree that no one can take away from you and you need it for your child and yourself. I put off getting a degree for 5 years when I was with my ex, i regret that every day now. By now I could have a bachelors degree in nursing, now I'm trying to get my RN. I know you say you love him but he obviously isn't treating you and the child the way he should be. That's not love on his part. Taking you out to eat and buying you things, well, that's not love either. Real love is being a father and husband. That is REAL LOVE.
You already are thinking about what life for you and the baby will be like if hubby is gone. I agree he is under lots of pressure and is very young. Counseling is very much needed by both parties, if he won't go then go by yourself. Find a babysitter. I agree with the cooking thing. If he does not eat it, then why waste your time. You have some tough decisions ahead. I wish you luck and pray for the best outcome for you and your child.
I don't think that rushing into a divorce is a good idea.
I moved in with my husband when we were both 19 (we got married at 21). Men seem to mature more slowly than women. My husband was very lazy about housework when we first married. He still isn't the best, but he's getting there.
I see where your DH is coming from. The way he sees it, he goes to work all day, when you just have a 4 hour/ day job. He probably doesn't see school and housework as a "job". I know my husband didn't for a long time.
I would suggest studying while the baby is sleeping and/or playing. He needs supervision, but not constant interaction. Maybe study 1 hour, then play 30 min, Study 1 hr, play 30. Also, set aside 45 mins. at night for both you and DH to do housework together. You'll both resent it less when you see the other person working hard too.
As far as cooking, try making meals that can be easily re-heated. I swear by my crock-pot. Today I have chili in it (i browned the meat and cooked the cornbread while I was making last night's dinner).
When I come home from work, I will grab a bowl of chili, rush off to my 2nd job (I clean an office 2x/wk), hit the gym for and hour, then study for 2 hrs tonight. Housework is 30 minutes before bedtime. DH can then grab himself a bowl when he's ready. I have trained him to put the leftovers away, so we have some left over for lunches and other dinners.
I also make meals that do double-duty. For example, tonight's chili will be lunch tomorrow, and, if there is any left over, be put on top of baked potatoes for dinner friday night (if you haven't tried it, you should! It's delicious!)
I totally sympathize with your situation. Young marriage is hard, and I can't imagine the stress of having a baby too!! I think with some time management skills and teamwork, you can get through this. Marriage is full of some hard times, some great times, and some in-between. Try to stay focused on the positives.
P.S. - When I'm fighting with DH, I pull out the weeing album and remember how happy we were that day, and try to recount why I married him. It helps.
your husband is not ready for the responsibility of being a MAN.
I agree. Your husband may be resenting the direction his life has forced him into. You dont appreciate what you have til you lose it, so i would move home for awhile so that he may have the space to need you again. Dont tell him you are doing it for him. Tell him you are doing it for you because of all his negativity and lack of support with the baby. Give him the cold shoulder for awhile. It will take nothing less than this to wake him up. Be strong and show him that you do have other ways to make it if he doesnt want this role of responsibility. When it becomes a choice rather than a circumstance, he will come around.:)
(((HUGS))) Sorry in advance, I can tell already that I'm going to be rambling...
Take a deep breath. You have a lot on your plate now, and so does he. Many of the prev posters have had several excellent suggestions, it's up to you to decide what you want to do with them.
I was 22 with a six week old when I started nursing school; shortly thereafter my husband (then my boyfriend; we lived together) and I decided to take a few weeks apart. I had thought that we were pretty solid, but between a baby and nursing school, things somehow started falling apart. We started dating when I was 18; we've now been married for over four years and I'm back in school. I can feel now, with the benefit of having been there done that, that my stress level from being back in school on top of working and having multiple kids (the baby just turned 2) is having a negative effect on all our relationships within the family. I have GOT to learn some better coping techniques before I start clinicals! A plus to being together since we were so young is that we literally grew up together, have been through some serious stuff, and chose to take the oftentimes harder road of staying together and therefore becoming stronger in our relationship.
I think that you need to sit down and make a list of all the stressors in your life and all of the coping skills that you have. Try and figure out what blame lies where; it is super easy to over-react to your spouse when you are truly stressed about school, not him. He may well realize that you're stressed all of the time, and that some blame is with him and the way he's acting, but not have a clue how to deal with it and therefore is getting very defensive about the situation. You need to invest some "us" time as well...even if it's just renting a DVD to watch and hanging out on the couch together. You are probably feeling some fragility of the marriage just because it's so new; it's easier (in my experience) to think about chucking the whole deal after one year in a relationship than after five or ten.
Next time he asks what more you need, try telling him straight out "I need emotional support as much as I need financial support." Set an example by giving him as much emotional support as you can, even if he's being a butt pain. As far as the walking away, my husband does that also...which really ticks me off...but he says that when he realizes that we're getting nowhere b/c we're both so angry, it's better to walk away than say something that can't be taken back. But you do need to address these issues in as non-confrontational a way as possible once you're both calmed down. Also keep in mind that daddys take care of babies, especially sons, much differently than mommies do...and that's the way it should be. Don't worry about him being too rough and tumble, they play differently than we do!
Let's see...my tips for studying with a baby in the house, since I'm at home all day with our two year old son...
There's nothing wrong with plopping him down in front of the TV for a little while. My lifesavers have been Backyardigans, Yo Gabba Gabba, Thomas the Tank Engine, and Wubbzy. Get a DVD or two of your baby's favorite shows so that when you've got to study and they're not on, you can pop one in. You can put him in the high chair for a while with a snack, some markers, and a sippy. If he's not already on a fairly regular schedule, get him on one. We get up at 7:45 (when the bigger kids have to get up for school), have breakfast shortly thereafter, then get dressed and changed. Around 1 or 2 in the afternoon is naptime, after a light lunch. He's down to one nap a day now, so he sleeps for about 2 1/2-3 hours; by then, big kids are home and it's homework time, time to start thinking about dinner, etc...so I know that my day is shot from that point on as far as cleaning/studying. Naptime is prime time for me as far as getting stuff done.
Have you thought about limiting the amount of time that you spend cleaning...like "I'll spend 20 minutes of naptime cleaning, then it's study time"? You mentioned that you live with his brother; is you cleaning up part of the deal, or can you slack there? Maybe only sweep a few times a week...you'll have to get under the highchair fairly regularly, of course, but the rest of the floor can probably handle less frequent sweeps. Just an example; you know better than I where you can scrimp and where you can't.
I'd also recommend a crock pot for meals, as well as buying frozen pre-made dinners. They're lifesavers. If you're interested, PM me here and I can send you some easy recipes. With as much as I have to do, I'm pretty much limited to meals that take 15-20 minutes to prep at the most. I also do things like make four batches of corn muffins at once and freeze the extras...little things like that really add up in time savings.
Sorry it's so long, I just feel for you and hope you can work through this.
I would like to add that I think "time apart" is a horrible idea. Your husband sounds immature. If you leave him, even for a week, he may get very depressed, think its really over, then go cheat or do something else that will totally destroy the relationship.
Relationships are not games. Don't "test his love" or punish him by showing him what it is like to live without you. It will only backfire. If you really want to leave, make sure you're ready for divorce, because that is where it will probably head.
I have been there, done that. For my sake and not getting flamed left and right here, all I am going to say is that i wish you LOADS of luck. May your situation turn out better than mine did.
first off, i think i know exactly how you feel...so you're not alone.
i'm not married to my boyfriend but we've been together for 4 years now and it feels like we're married. we have 3 dogs together (not children but it feels like it). we moved away from my family to live with his family and he's very closed off like your husband is. i feel like i'm talking to a wall when i'm talking to my bf. i feel like he's not supportive and completely shut off emotionally, when i try to talk to him he just says something rude that hurts my feelings to get me to go away. i've heard the "if you don't like it than leave..." and i'd leave but it isn't that easy, i don't have a job or a place to live back home and i have three dogs to take with me...it isn't that simple to leave plus i love him and i'd like to make it work.
in any event, in reading your posting it was comforting to know that i'm not the only person in the world dealing with a situation like this. but i'd like to just say two things: 1st, if you really love your husband and you want to make it work, keep trying. read books, go to therapy, do whatever you feel you need to do to make it work. and secondly, and this you may not want to hear...but if you think you "can't" take it...then don't. some people just aren't meant to be together. what is important to me isn't at all important to my bf - he said to me once that he wants to be with someone who lives their life and he lives his and his family is very much like this. his parents live together half time, his oldest sister and her husband don't live in the same town...they take care of themselves, they don't really offer support to each other, they don't really have "intimacy." and that's fine for them, but personally there are certain things i think i need. so i either have to learn to live with it and accept him for who he is...or don't. easier said than done...but whatever you decide, you will be fine.
I haven't read many of the replies to this post, so I apologize if I am repeating what someone has already said.
You are very, very young and I applaud you for doing what you're doing in the first place. I am almost 24, am newly married, a new homeowner and a student nurse....with no children....and it's rough sometimes. I can't imagine adding a child to the mix!
The bottom line is that you need to do what is best for you, your son and your future. If your husband can't be supportive and is not willing to play his part in the relationship, then maybe it's not meant to be. You have to decide for yourself and keep in mind what's best for you and the little one.
I dont just want to be another statistic thats shows another young couple getting a divorce. I DO love him, and want to try everything possible to keep this marriage healthy, but he needs to meet me halfway............IDK! i hope im not pushing him away, but i dont know how else to handle this....ANY ADVISE would be greatly appreciated! I know there are lots of moms and wifes on allnurses who may know what to say!
Jo Dirt
3,270 Posts
If you could get away from each other for awhile that would probably help.