I am 19 years old, and trying to get into 2009 nursing program........here is my story that needs advised.......
My husband and I have been married for 7 months and had a baby 10 months BEFORE we got married. We did jump into the marriage fairly QUICKLY, even though i do love him very, very much. We moved out of state, away from family, and we share the same apartment as his older brother. :icon_roll My husband works on afternoon shift, so he is gone all day at work and I go to school in the morning. I clean the place every day before he gets home, and attempt to cook dinner at least a few times a week (even though he isnt here). On top of that and school, i take care of our 1 1/2 year old son. i am with the baby all day every day, and its very hard to find time to study or do anything else. He doesnt help with the baby when he is here, which really upsets me b/c i am already taking care of him all day when hes not here. We have been fighting alot lately. I dont even know what about. But they are very emotionally hurtful for me. The term divorce and seperate has been bounced around in some arguments. I just feel like i am doing so much, not only materialistically, but also in trying to "help" our relationship and he isnt meeting me half way. Every time i try to tell him how i feel, he rolls his eyes and tells me to just stop. Or wont say ANYTHING at all, and tells me he isnt listening. Even after an argument, the next day i apologize but he is still angry at me and will not talk. I try to ask him what he needs from me in this marrige, but he is NEVER willing to talk beck with me about anything. I try telling him (when he is in a good mood) that he is doing a great job being a daddy and working every day, and i am very proud of him. But once we start fighting, he is a totally different person, and doesnt care about anything i am feeling. He doesnt show that he cares when i am very upset or crying. He says to me, " Well i take you out to eat and buy you things, What more do you want from me?" I really need emotional support right now, and he isnt giving me any. And to me, that matter more than anything. I feel as if i am a burden on his life, and he would be happier w/o me. Sometimes i even question if hes falling out of love with me. If so, then i just feel stuck, because we DID get married. I tell him that i really need to have someone to talk to, and i tried telling him exactly what i am typing right now, but he gets irritated and walks away. I just dont know what else to do. I dont just want to be another statistic thats shows another young couple getting a divorce. I DO love him, and want to try everything possible to keep this marriage healthy, but he needs to meet me halfway............IDK! i hope im not pushing him away, but i dont know how else to handle this....ANY ADVISE would be greatly appreciated! I know there are lots of moms and wifes on allnurses who may know what to say!
Oh wow... I am in almost the SAME situation as you are, but have been in it a little longer. We had our son and got married 5 months later and have now been married for 3 years. We moved to Texas from Oklahoma after the wedding and I left my family and friends behind, and I started a life here in Texas and started school. He doesn't help very much with our son but is getting better. I think your problem may just be that you are both young, and it's so hard the first year of marriage trying to figure out just how to BE married... is he also 19? If this is the case, it may not get any better for a while. My husband is almost 26 and still hasn't really started to understand how to act like a "husband" or a "family man" he just wants to do his own thing and hang out with his buddies, while here I am cleaning, taking care of our son, and going to school. He keeps saying, you don't do anything hard!! yeah right.
I hope things work out for you, my suggestion is COUNSELING... ... it can help a lot, or it can make you realize you should leave. I am now at the point where I don't even think Im in love anymore and I may leave. Just know that it probably won't get better unless you go to counseling or he realizes that you might just leave... if he thinks you are serious about leaving that may be some sort of "awakening" for him.
I think you have gotten some great advice so far and the only thing I would add is that in my experience there are very few men are going to be the great listeners that your girlfriends will be. I'm very strict with my husband but I don't expect him to want to "talk" because I know he is no more interested in listening to me share than he is to going to the mall shoe shopping. When I need to shop, gossip, vent, share or just reflect I call my Mom or a girlfriend.
If he is respectful and a good provider I would negotiate a schedule where he helps with the baby a bit after work and be happy with that for now. Definitely finish school because the person holding the pocketbook is often the one driving the car. Wishing you well, Jules
A lot of men think actions not words show their love.
there are very few men are going to be the great listeners that your girlfriends will be.
These statements couldn't ring more true. It would not hurt to take a step back and ask yourself if you're expecting too much of him; i.e. expecting him to act like a girlfriend, only with testicles.
Men do take time and a whole lot of life experience to mature, and if he is as young as you are, he may not know HOW to be emotionally supportive to you, and I can see how you coming at him all the time to talk about the relationship can just be too much for him.
Having said that, it's not too much to expect, in my opinion, to want his help with housework and taking care of his son so you can study. But for some people, housework is not important. They're perfectly willing to live among a lot of clutter and mess, and it doesn't bother them a bit. Other people are very domestic and prefer to have things tidy and in their place. You might start by asking him, on a scale of 1-10, with 1 not being important at all, and 10 being extremely important, how he feels about having a clean house. If his score is low on the scale, you probably won't have much success gaining his cooperation, because he just doesn't care. If his score is higher on the scale, then you can negotiate with him who will do what. For example, if he really hates scrubbing the toilet but doesn't mind vacuuming, then maybe he could vacuum three times a week. If you hate doing laundry but don't mind wiping down the counters, then you could be the counter wiper. The things both of you hate are responsibilities that you two can share.
If tidiness is extremely important to you and not at all important to him, and he's not willing to show his love for you by helping you keep the place clean, despite the fact that he doesn't care if it's clean, and you are not willing to show your love for him by letting the place be cluttered sometimes without getting angry at him, then the two of you may not be compatible in the long run.
As far as emotional support, it's true that a lot of men don't know what that means from a woman's perspective. Men often show emotional support for their guy friends by talking about sports, cars, or whatever, but don't really sit around discussing their feelings about every little thing. Often times, when a woman needs to vent feelings, the man thinks he has to solve the problem for her. He doesn't know that he can just sit and listen and say "It'll be okay, honey", and that that is enough.
My partner is great about these things, but he's 49 years old and has been around the block enough times that he has learned. It didn't come quickly, and it didn't come easily. And as wonderful as he is, he is still a man, was raised differently than I was, and still has many stereotypically male characteristics. He is *not* my girlfriend in a man's body.
As far as watching the baby so you can study, I think that's a reasonable request. But be sure to negotiate with him when he can do this. Have some specific times, like "I need to study from nine to twelve on Tuesday and Thursday this week. Will those times work for you to take care of the baby?". Don't just have some vague complaint of "I need to study but you never help with the baby.", or some vague expectation that he will need to be ready to take care of the baby at a moment's notice any time, especially if he just got home from work and is tired.
Lastly, if he really does love you, he wants to make you happy. Whenever he makes you happy, you need to show it. The best way to show it is not words, but physical action. Snuggling up to him and letting him know what a wonderful man he is and how happy he makes you. It doesn't hurt a bit to slip a few brief words in there, like how happy he made you by scrubbing the toilet today, or how you got so much studying done because he took care of the baby for a couple of hours yesterday. If he feels like you are always mad at him, or that he can't do anything right, this can lead to a downward spiral of him basically feeling rejected as a man and "checking out" emotionally.
I would just add that the best of marriages can be stressed out when work, school and small children all demand your time, marriage is not easy and divorce isn't always an easy solution! Imagine what it would be like trying to support yourself, while sharing custody of a small child! We all say hurtful things sometimes in the middle of an argument, but as long as he is still willing to stay in the marriage I think its good advice to try to work on it! Good luck :redpinkhe
I just thought of something else that has helped my husband and I that might help you.
For housework, my husband always swore he either didn't know what needed done or didn't know where to begin. So I bought a small dry erase board for the fridge. I write out the chores for him each day. That way he knows exactly what needs done, and doesn't have the excuse of not knowing where to begin. He also gets a sense of satisfaction by crossing off each chore as he completes it.
This may sound like something you'd use on a child, but it works with husbands too. It's not a perfect system (sometimes I think to myself "Why can't he just see what needs done?!?!:angryfire ), but in the end, it gets him to help, and that is better than nothing!
I do hope you update us on what strategies worked for you and what you decided to do with your relationship.
DA314 has a very good point. Write down exactly what you want done or tell him exactly what you want done. Writing is better because men do have that selective hearing. Then I give him a time frame that I want these things done. Example, honey I would like for you and the boys to have the living room picked up and the kitchen cleaned by the time I get home from work. Nine times out of ten he will make sure it is done in that time frame.
As the mother of 3 (a 14 year old and a set of 10.5 year old twins), nursing student, and all around Mommy, I have been a college student for a number of years. I have been married for 9 years. Just the other day, I had dirty clothes stacked to the ceiling. We live in an apartment complex and must visit the laundry facility on site.My dear babies washed a few their clothes and I was going to wash the rest on my day off. Did I mention that I also work full-time nights? Anyhow, Mr. Generous offer to was the clothes. He actually ACKNOWLEDGED that I am trying to ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING. WOWW:omy: It felt GReat to feel like he is actually paying attention and would want to contribute SOMETHING. I agreed with hesitation. His off day, which consists of a lounge chair (I didn't buy it), a DVD and an occasional trip to the bathroom, let's remember, we have 3 kids, it drizzled a little. Well, by it "raining", he gets even lazier; he slepted the WHOLE day away. "I don't have the right to rest on my day off?" Point is: Mommy's DON"T get a day OFF! I also take my kids on outings during the day when I work nights. He is SOOOOOOooooo tired, don't you know. Now, this is my whole thought on the situation: Husbands that contribute nothing, get nothing. I believe that they are a bit JEALOUS. I could get a dog to lounge around. Mad? Heck, yes I am mad.Hurt? Yes, I am hurt. Contributing time in the house is more than just a clean living area, it is a meeting of the heart and an acknoledgement that I am as important as that game or that stupid movie; a lot of husbands just don't get it. I know that to depend on him is like ; so, I won't. I find that if I don't ask him, then I won't be doomed to depend on him for anything that I can't do myself. I will be an R.N in Dec. 09, and I keep a picture of the Hen who asked the other animals to help her make Bread. I have NO support system; we moved to California after the storm. I do have my beautiful kids.
OMG, I do not miss the stress of nursing school. It is so stressful. As I read all of your post I remember how hard it was to go to school full time, work almost full time, be a mother and wife. There were times I could have easily taken my husband out to the yard and hung him by his ears. As stressful as being a new nurse is (believe me it is very stressful) I am glad I am at this point rather than still in school. I feel for all of you mothers that are trying to raise a family and go to school. It is so hard to split your time so thin that you do not know if you are coming or going. A lot of us know exactly where you are coming from, we really do. All I am saying is get through school and see if things settle down a little for you. The things that your husband does that makes you want to hang him by his ears will most likely not get on your nerves nearly as bad. Either that or you are so exhausted physically and emotionally the first couple of years that you really do not care what he does or does not do.
I've been married 4 years, been together 5 years, and have a 3 year old daughter.
In that time, we've had some issues. Aside from some ill-placed misunderstanding he has that raising a child is easy and that newborns are close to NO WORK for mommy b/c they cant really do anything... He's never liked or trusted my guy friends, and can't believe I'm still friends with an ex. After the baby I had "some sort of medical problem and needed to see the doctor so I could be normal again". I screwed up at one point and had an "emotional affair" w/ someone. My husband wasnt there for me when i needed him. He didnt respect/appreciate/listen to my concerns and feelings, and I wound up talking to someone who did. I didn't hide it from my husband b/c I knew I needed HIS HELP to get out of it. I needed for HIM to show me that same kind of compassion that the other guy did.
A child changes your relationship. It will NEVER be the same. To this day, I still do the housework (i'll wait a bit to see if he does any, and he just ignores it) I do the errands. He doesnt drive, so I play chauffeur when he wants to go somewhere. I pay the bills. By the way, I'm the one who works full time while he works 1-3 nights a week doing next to nothing but gets good pay for it. He goes to school for a teaching degree that he's not even sure he wants. When I have problems with our relationship, I tell him. He changes for 2-3 weeks, then it's back to the same. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of seeing him try real hard for a week to appease me and then slack off till 3 weeks later its as if nothing was said at all. (for the record, I've only told him twice that things HAVE to change or i'm leaving. we moved out of his parent house-#1, and it's not exactly easy to test whether he trusts me now[he says he does, but keeps questioning my friendships with guys like always, and how do you put that "to the test?"]-#2)
To a degree, I'm in the same boat as the OP. I'm not happy, but I want to make it work. The reality is that everyday I put up with it, I'm wasting MY life. I stay b/c he's not abusive, I know he loves me, and part of me is afraid to start over, afraid I cant do it. But i know this isn't what I want from a marriage. And for me, I've decided it's ultimately not worth wasting my life waiting for the miracle that makes him FINALLY understand. It could be years or decades or i may lay on my deathbed and he STILL doesnt get it.
As for the OP's situation, if he truly cares, he'll work on it. Nothing ever happens overnight, but if the effort is there (and it's not just there when you make a fuss. it needs to REALLY be there, he has to try to be as aware of your needs as he is of his) then that's the important thing and it's worth fighting for, for sure.
If you dont see an effort, you have to ask yourself if and for how long you're willing to live in an unsatisfying relationship. If you're willing to pass that idea on to your child that it's "everything's fine" and it's an acceptable relationship. If he isn't willing to discuss with you now about housework and helping with the baby so you can do something meaningful to yourself with YOUR LIFE is he going to listen later when it comes to other life-altering events? Or does he expect you to just say "ok" and agree b/c if you dont he'll just wave the "divorce" banner in your face? that's assuming he even asks your opinion. your post makes it sound like he barely acknowledges your presence unless you're fighting. He sounds more like another kid than a husband.
Theres some good advice in this thread(i think) although you're the only one who can decide what is viable for your situation. But i also think you really need to step away, have someone you trust watch the baby (be it him or a friend or a daycare or SOMETHING) for a few hours, go somewhere quiet where you wont be disturbed and THINK. Think about everything. What you want from your husband and yourself, what you want in the future, what you want for your son. What can you do to set your family on track for that. How does everything fit into your ideas. What obstacles are in your way, and how can you get around them. How you can make your dreams a reality.
But most importantly, don't wait until it's convenient for someone else to do what you need to get done, and to do what you want to get done. Don't let the fear of being another statistic hinder you from deciding what is right FOR YOU, if that is what you think is your best option. Bottom line is that ultimately YOU are the one in control of your happiness. No one else.
Specializes in Peds Cardiology,Peds Neuro,Pedi ER,PICU, IV Jedi.
As a male who has been on both sides of this argument, let me chime in...
I'm sorry you're in this situation. Get yourself some counseling, and a good babysitter. Prioritizing is good, but the heart of the problem seems to be his lack of
1. interest
2 involvement
He doesn't understand the amount of dedication it takes to be a good mother and (prospective) nursing student. Courses are hard, babies are hard, there aren't enough hours in the day. Add that to the fact that he doesn't do much around the house, and you have a recipe for disaster.
I empathize with you. Talking to him is one way of setting things straight, but only if he's willing to listen. Since you're both young it's probably not going to do any good but try anyway. It takes a great deal of maturity to be married and have a child, and it sounds as if that's in short supply. He has to grow up someday, and until that happens and he's actually "listening" to what you tell him...it's frustrating. If you feel comortable, you might mention something to his parents (whichever you feel more comfortable with).
I know when my wife mentioned things to my mother years ago, it prompted me to change things quickly. The last person you want to upset is your mother. Sad that it took her telling on me...because in all truthfullness the last person I want to upset is, and should also be, my spouse.
Check at local churches or other organizations about Mother's Day Out programs. It's usually 3 to 4 hours a day, 3 days a week or so...and it's not nearly as expensive as daycare.
14 years of marraige...2 kids...many disagreements. But with a little maturity and a lot of hard work (on both parties' part)...anything is possible.
After working my night, I came home and I noticed thayt instead of seeing Mr.Mr's clothes on the floor.... they were folded NEATLY on the corner of the bed. I wrote him a little letter of appreciation. Maybey there is hope after all.. STAY TUNED :anpom:
I dont just want to be another statistic thats shows another young couple getting a divorce. I DO love him, and want to try everything possible to keep this marriage healthy, but he needs to meet me halfway............IDK! i hope im not pushing him away, but i dont know how else to handle this....ANY ADVISE would be greatly appreciated! I know there are lots of moms and wifes on allnurses who may know what to say!
; so, I won't. I find that if I don't ask him, then I won't be doomed to depend on him for anything that I can't do myself. I will be an R.N in Dec. 09, and I keep a picture of the Hen who asked the other animals to help her make Bread. I have NO support system; we moved to California after the storm. I do have my beautiful kids..thumb.jpg.2605487e9a1cc011342d44bcf46e0b55.jpg){kind=small}
BREAKING NEWS, YA'LL!!!
Tysmommy
30 Posts
Oh wow... I am in almost the SAME situation as you are, but have been in it a little longer. We had our son and got married 5 months later and have now been married for 3 years. We moved to Texas from Oklahoma after the wedding and I left my family and friends behind, and I started a life here in Texas and started school. He doesn't help very much with our son but is getting better. I think your problem may just be that you are both young, and it's so hard the first year of marriage trying to figure out just how to BE married... is he also 19? If this is the case, it may not get any better for a while. My husband is almost 26 and still hasn't really started to understand how to act like a "husband" or a "family man" he just wants to do his own thing and hang out with his buddies, while here I am cleaning, taking care of our son, and going to school. He keeps saying, you don't do anything hard!! yeah right.
I hope things work out for you, my suggestion is COUNSELING... ... it can help a lot, or it can make you realize you should leave. I am now at the point where I don't even think Im in love anymore and I may leave. Just know that it probably won't get better unless you go to counseling or he realizes that you might just leave... if he thinks you are serious about leaving that may be some sort of "awakening" for him.