HELP! Husband is depressing me! NEED ADVICE!

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I am 19 years old, and trying to get into 2009 nursing program........here is my story that needs advised.......

My husband and I have been married for 7 months and had a baby 10 months BEFORE we got married. We did jump into the marriage fairly QUICKLY, even though i do love him very, very much. We moved out of state, away from family, and we share the same apartment as his older brother. :icon_roll My husband works on afternoon shift, so he is gone all day at work and I go to school in the morning. I clean the place every day before he gets home, and attempt to cook dinner at least a few times a week (even though he isnt here). On top of that and school, i take care of our 1 1/2 year old son. i am with the baby all day every day, and its very hard to find time to study or do anything else. He doesnt help with the baby when he is here, which really upsets me b/c i am already taking care of him all day when hes not here. We have been fighting alot lately. I dont even know what about. But they are very emotionally hurtful for me. The term divorce and seperate has been bounced around in some arguments. I just feel like i am doing so much, not only materialistically, but also in trying to "help" our relationship and he isnt meeting me half way. Every time i try to tell him how i feel, he rolls his eyes and tells me to just stop. Or wont say ANYTHING at all, and tells me he isnt listening. Even after an argument, the next day i apologize but he is still angry at me and will not talk. I try to ask him what he needs from me in this marrige, but he is NEVER willing to talk beck with me about anything. I try telling him (when he is in a good mood) that he is doing a great job being a daddy and working every day, and i am very proud of him. But once we start fighting, he is a totally different person, and doesnt care about anything i am feeling. He doesnt show that he cares when i am very upset or crying. He says to me, " Well i take you out to eat and buy you things, What more do you want from me?" I really need emotional support right now, and he isnt giving me any. And to me, that matter more than anything. I feel as if i am a burden on his life, and he would be happier w/o me. Sometimes i even question if hes falling out of love with me. If so, then i just feel stuck, because we DID get married. I tell him that i really need to have someone to talk to, and i tried telling him exactly what i am typing right now, but he gets irritated and walks away. I just dont know what else to do. :sniff: I dont just want to be another statistic thats shows another young couple getting a divorce. I DO love him, and want to try everything possible to keep this marriage healthy, but he needs to meet me halfway............IDK! i hope im not pushing him away, but i dont know how else to handle this....ANY ADVISE would be greatly appreciated! I know there are lots of moms and wifes on allnurses who may know what to say!

THANKS

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Specializes in Peds, Med-Surg, Disaster Nsg, Parish Nsg.

you really have alot on your plate! i admire you for wanting to save your marriage. this is the time when most young people (and older people too) run from their commitment to marriage.

my husband and i went to a movie just this past weekend that i would like to suggest to you. "fireproof" is about a young couple whose marriage is in trouble. they have "fallen out of love" and are about to go through divorce. they argue frequently about finances, jobs, housework, outside interests, etc. as the couple prepares to enter divorce proceedings, the husband's father challenges him to commit to a 40-day experiment he calls "the love dare". the son agrees to do this, although it is very frustrating for him. he asks his father "how am i supposed to show love to somebody who constantly rejects me?"

the movie is excellent as it shows this young man's struggle to save his marriage. it is very one-sided on his part for most of the movie, but he is determined to finish the 40 day challenge. the book featured in this movie, "the love dare" is a best seller.

http://www.fireproofthemovie.com/

http://www.bhpublishinggroup.com/lovedare/

i've been married for 32 years. it hasn't always been easy, but anything worthwhile is worth working at.

good luck!!

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Specializes in OB/Neonatal, Med/Surg, Instructor.

Sweetie, you are in a most difficult position and my heart goes out to you. Any of those stressors (marital difficulties, toddler, nursing school) alone would be difficult to deal with but added together......that's really tough but you can get through it. Do you have some family or close friends

nearby that you can count on for support? You desperately need a good support system to get through this. I know you love your husband, but he sounds young and immature and doesn't realize how hard you are trying and how much you need support right now.

Studying is not optional for nursing school, it is essential. Everything you learn provides the building blocks for what you are going to learn next, miss something and you may struggle down the road. Many husbands and boyfriends are threatened when their wives go back to school, especially into a career where they can make enough money to support themselves. Some will go so far as to sabatoge (spelling?) their partner's education to the point they cause them to drop out or fail.

You may have to make a tough decision in order to get through nursing school and move in with a family member who is supportive of you going to school and will help you with your little boy. You cannot hold a marriage together by yourself and it sounds like that is what you are doing. Your husband has responsibilities to you and your child and with time and maturity he may come around. I would encourage you to safeguard and take care of yourself and your child emotionally, mentally, and financially until that happens. Prayer sent.:)

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Specializes in Ortho, Case Management, blabla.
"Fireproof"

Oh god.....not kirk cameron

To the original poster;

1) As a man: I can see where your husband is coming from

2) As a former nursing student, you need to figure out where you priorities lie, and act accordingly. Question yourself, what is most important to you? Is your husband's lack of help hindering you?

Try not making dinner and cleaning the house. Cook/clean 1 night a week. That's what life will be like when you are a nurse (because you're not gonna feel like it the majority of the time.

You're obviously not happy in the housewife role. More power to you. I wouldn't be happy in that role either.

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If you really want to become a nurse, then iagree with the previous poster. Make your studies your number one priority. Study when the baby is sleeping or try to find someone who you trust who does not mind baby sitting for a few hours a day while you study. You might feel as though you are neglecting some things, which you probably will be, but these sacrafices are only temp.

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Hi,

You sound like you're really at a crossroads. Keep in mind that some of your husband's behavior may also be because of your behavior. I know you said you praise your husband when he's in a good mood. Do you also do that when he's in a so so mood? I've heard, & think it makes sense, that men typically need to feel like the 'winners' & the best judge of that in their ego-sensical way is to feel like a 'winner' in the eyes of their wives. Do you love & adore qualities about him? If so highlight them & encourage them to him. Also, it's not just your husband that drives you crazy I'm suspecting. Are you driving yourself a little crazy too? It's easy to blame the person that you live with but part of the reason may also be that you're blaming the easiest target - him.

Could you ever have a talk w/your husband when you're both at least in an ok mood & talk about the difficulties of watching the kid & studying? Maybe set a time with him to 'stick to' where he is the only person responsible for watching your son between like 7-8pm.

When he does watch your son do you let him do it 'his way?'...or do you tell him the 'right' (your way) to handle things. Letting him do some not-so-dangerous things his way will help to make him feel better about watching your son, I'd guess.

Anyways, I just figured i'd throw some random thoughts out there. Maybe they will/won't help. In any case, I'm sure you'll find your way.

Good luck & be strong for your boy!

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Specializes in Geriatrics.

I was 19 when I went through LPN school...but we didn't have children, thank God...because after we got married, he began verbally, physically, sexually abusing me. He was my same age; he would work all day and I would be in school all day. I was always exhausted when I got home because after school, I worked from 4p-8p as a CNA. He always got home at 6:30pm and didn't do anything. I was expected to do all the housework, cook dinner, and cater to his every whim. If I dared to complain, I usually got smacked in the face or my hair pulled/yanked. I suffered for 2.5 years of marriage with this monster and barely got out alive.

I know your hubby probably doesn't abuse you, but if he isn't listening to you or even trying to have a civil conversation with you, I'd suggest therapy, but he may be the type he wouldn't go. Knowing all I know now (I'm on my third marriage and have 2 beautiful sons) is you just can't make a marriage work by yourself. You give 100%, he has to give 100%. I would tell him he has like 30 days to start helping you out with the baby and sitting down and talking every night, even if he just talks about work (it would be a start) or I would leave. You just cannot do this alone...trust me, I thought at several points I could be superwoman, but I just couldn't without some good support of some kind.

I wish you all the luck and will send you a "prayer".

Blessings, Michelle

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Specializes in HH, Med/surg- liver & kidney transplant, ortho, ++.

I too recently got married, almost 2 months ago. We don't have any children but do have some stressors of our own. My nursing school is an hour and a half away from where we used to live. I am here and he is living with his parents because there isn't much for work out here. I am on the Oregon coast, good paying jobs are hard to come by out here.

I can't imagine what you are going through. Thought maybe I could throw a few things out there for you, that is what we are here for right? We are one huge support system for each other.

You are young, and have a young one at home. Maybe you should take a term off, work on your marriage. Try some counseling. Maybe that will help you and your husband to communicate to each other a little better. I am sure both of you are reacting to the situation differently. Maybe trying some counseling will help you work everything out. It sounds like being a mother, a wife, and student is putting a lot of stress on both of you. Maybe he is a little intimidated by your choice to go to school and make a better life for all of you.

I am not saying you should put off school for a year. Maybe just one term, or cut back on your classes. There is always time to go back and achieve your goals and have a happy marriage.

You can have the best of both worlds, it is just going to take a lot of hard work. You can do it.

I am not trying to deter you from chasing your dreams of becoming a nurse. You and your husband may just need a little extra time to focus on each other and your son.

I believe that things happen for a reason and we aren't dealt anything that we can't handle. Hang in there. Life has a way of working itself out, whatever the outcome. I wish you the best.

Good luck, and keep us informed.

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Specializes in Infusion Nursing, Home Health Infusion.

Oh no this does not sound good!. It is sure easy to fall in love when things are great and easy but when life gets a little tough that is what will separate a boy from a quality man. It sounds like you support and praise him but it is not reciprocated. Having an new bay is also very stressful,especially b/c you are a new mom. I think I know exactly what you want. You want him to get in the boat with you and start rowing with you ,not against you. Hi honey...let me watch the baby for awhile so you can have a break... a rest....study...whatever....and thank you for dinner. Why don't we take turns for dinner? We are in this together...we will figure it out...so we can reach our goals and dreams. That is what is jumping out at me...You should be a team...instead it sounds like you are doing all the work...all the compromising....all the I am sorries...and you are even searching for something to say to him to make it better. Well I would not chase him or force him to interact when he is obviously annoyed with you when you attempt to communicate and make things "better". I would quietly pull back and stop expressing my love and support....do your own thing...take care of your child...seek help from someone else other than you husband.....do not be mean or unkind and conduct yourself in a manner that you will be proud of.....then a really important part of this is to just observe what he does.....see if this bothers him in any way....remember when a loved one pulls back from a partner....the other person starts wondering what is going on here? Suddenly without the chasing and trying to make things right you suddenly become more attractive.....and for gods sake do not reveal your plan to him. See if he starts to come around....if he wants this he will notice the change and come towards you. If he does not come to you,then you will have your answer. It is hard to do when emotions are high and you so desperately want to be loved and supported,but it works!!!!! So the suggestion is DO NOT SAY ANYTHING,rather do something...pull back and take good care of yourself and make sure you look good everyday....be a bit mysterious..but not dishonest.

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Both of you get counseling, this will help you decide the best course of action for both and the child.

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Specializes in Cardiac Telemetry, ED.

You have a lot on your plate. You're young, newly married, a new Mom, and about to embark upon a very demanding course of study. Your husband has a lot on his plate too. He's young and has a wife and a baby to provide for. That's a lot of pressure and responsibility for a young guy. Do you think maybe you could cut him a little slack?

Have you tried to find other resources to help you out, like other moms with young kids that you could do childcare exchanges with?

When you start nursing school, it might be to your advantage to network with other students, especially those with little kids, and get together for study sessions.

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have u thought about possibly moving closer to family, to at least have some emotional support? or see if u can enroll your child in daycare, maybe a couple of hours a week just so u can have some time 2 yourself. have a frank talk with your husband, you married very young, and that alone may be a reason why the marriage may not work. maybe seperating for a little while, you guys may realize how much u mean 2 each other again. i am going through the same situation, and we are thinking about seperating instead of making each other miserable. we have a 5 year old and i have a 9 year old from another relationship. i also am waiting on acceptance for spring 09. so hang in there. email back if you wanna talk more, but think of the happiness for youtself and your child.

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