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Happy yet sad about mother’s day tomorrow.

Nurses   (827 Views 15 Comments)
by belle05 belle05 (Member)

1,947 Visitors; 24 Posts

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First of all,advanced happy Mother’s day to all Mothers out there,specially to our mamas who are nurses.I know it’s not easy to be a very busy career woman and mom at the same time.

Sorry I don’t want to sound negative,but I am honestly depressed right now,actually tearful about mother’s day.Im sorry my fellow nurses,but I honestly just need to vent about this.Here is my story.For 10 years,I have been a wife but no kids.I have not focused on solving my infertility problem since my focus at that time was graduating nursing school and I am a nurse manager now. Now that I am heading to advanced maternal age per my Dr(no pressure.lol), I can finally feel the pain of not being a mother on mother’s day.

I don’t want to go to the mother’s day celebration tomorrow of my relatives.First,my mom is not in this country and I myself am not a mother yet.By the way,2 of my cousins who are way younger than me have just gotten pregnant.I am happy for them.But nobody knows how it hurts to be childless,to # always be an auntie,but not a mother. 

I do not want to attend that party with people asking me again when are you having a baby,how come you don’t have a baby yet?Hello? If only it’s that easy to just say I’m gonna be pregnant and I’ll have an instant baby.I have PCOS so it’s never that easy. Plus my husband keeps blaming me saying I am too fat now that’s why I can’t get pregnant.i keep telling him I know there are other wives there who are overweight . 2 of his cousins also have overweight wives who have trouble getting pregnant. But they never get treated like this,to have your husband make you feel bad about yourself and be called fat. That being overweight makes you ugly. Its not like it’s my will to not get pregnant.i love children.I can’t even imagine how some women are blessed to be mothers but they manage to dump their babies in the trash or sewer.If only they know how many infertile couples long for even just 1 child.

Lets celebrate mother’s day. But let’s please do not make women who are not yet mothers feel very bad about themselves. 😢No money or success in the world can equate to the rewarding feeling of being a mother. Just because I am infertile does not make me less of a person and it does not lessen my value as a human being.

I feel left out. But what can I do?i don’t want to blame God or myself that I became like this. I know it is not too late for me I’m still in my mid 30s.my OB just prescribed me fertility pills and I plan on losing weight. Maybe if these prescription pills won’t work,maybe it’s time to end my marriage.i do not want to be selfish to my husband.maybe he can be happy with another woman who can bear him a child.i love him that much I’m willing to let him go just so he can be happy😢

Sorry for the long rant my fellow nurses. I just need to get this out. Please let’s be sensitive tomorrow on mother’s day to all the wives we know out there who struggle with infertility.Im pretty sure some of them feel the way I do.Advanced happy mother’s day my fellow nurses and thank you for everything you do.

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dianah has 43 years experience as a ADN and works as a Cath Lab/Stress Lab/Cardiology Case Management.

2 Followers; 9 Articles; 67,030 Visitors; 2,634 Posts

Hugs, this is such a personal and painful subject.  Personal, in that it's no one's business WHY a couple does not have children.  And asking about it IS painful.   You have done many of us a service by reminding us there are two sides to the day's celebrations.  I am sorry you are among many who do not have children, and who wish they did.  I wish I could change that for you.

My pastor friend and his wife had chosen not to have children in the first few years of their marriage/his pastoring.  The well-meaning parishioners, upon exiting church at the end of the service, would inevitably ask, "and when are YOU to going to have children?"  Without missing a beat, he would answer, "when the sperm count comes up."

My mother always said, "EVERY day should be mother's day!"  You don't need our permission to not attend the festivities.  You can honor your mother in your own way.  And celebrate YOU, and what you do for others every day.  That is mothering too.   Again, hugs.

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Daisy4RN has 20 years experience.

1 Follower; 1 Article; 6,023 Visitors; 917 Posts

Thank you for sharing your (personal) story. I am sorry for this difficulty you are facing and hope it works out the way you like. I agree with dianah that it is nobody's business and you should not feel obligated to go to a "celebration" that will make you miserable. I cant say that I understand your exact situation but I do understand having hard Mother's Days. My mom died when I was in my early 20's and so people  (coworkers and others) always assumed I would be visiting my Mom so would say things like "so what are you doing for you Mom". It really was hard for me. So not the same thing but I kinda understand.

Anyway, wishing you well and hope things work out for you!!

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traumaRUs has 27 years experience as a MSN, APRN and works as a Asst Community Manager @ allnurses.

15 Followers; 134 Articles; 186,521 Visitors; 20,710 Posts

Agree with the eloquent responses. 

And....its incredibly rude to ask people such a personal question. I'm pretty bold so I would probably counter with a personal question that you KNOW they don't want to answer. 

Please take care of yourself today....

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2,156 Visitors; 95 Posts

I’m sorry for your infertility. I went through this also for 7 years and multiple surgeries. I do have a biological son and an adopted daughter and they are both my miracles. I will think of you today and offer a prayer in your name. ❤️

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3,621 Visitors; 443 Posts

I am sorry you are going thru this, it is hard, I have been there as well, and had help to get pg.

But, I need to say this...your husband is treating you horrible! He is calling you fat and blaming you...has he been checked out?? It could be him!  He needs to support you, no matter what. You need to have a discussion with him about how this makes you feel....and how it is not helping you get pg. Good luck!

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Pixie.RN has 18 years experience as a MSN, RN, EMT-P and works as a ED/Trauma, Educator, IP/Nurse Epidemiologist.

7 Followers; 32 Articles; 126,385 Visitors; 12,939 Posts

Been there, done that. I said for years that I didn't want kids, but the first time I found out I was pregnant (at age 42) I realized that I wanted nothing more in the world; I lost that pregnancy the next day. The next pregnancy (at age 43) hung around for 11 weeks before I lost that one, too. I know your pain. We are made to feel that we are so much less because we are not mothers, like we completely failed at being women. People need to not ask those very sensitive questions that are flat-out NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. And your husband needs to check himself!! That is no way to treat someone you love. Good grief. I am so sorry. *hugs*

After I finally had my daughter (delivered her when I was 45), I went into heart failure. So here I am some weeks later at a cardiology follow-up with my baby in her car seat, and there's some dude in the waiting room telling me that I need to have another or my daughter will grow up lonely. I was like, "Did it occur to you that I am a cardiac patient?!" I mean, come on. I just smiled sweetly and told him that my cardiologist told me no more babies, because this one almost did me in. So yeah, it doesn't end. No kids? Why not? Only one? What is wrong with you, why not have more? Arrrghhh. Seriously.

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KCMnurse has 33 years experience as a BSN, MSN, RN and works as a Registered Nurse.

1 Article; 7,144 Visitors; 220 Posts

Thanks for sharing - sending hugs your way. I hope you are able to talk to your hubby about the way his comments make you feel. He is probably feeling the pressure too about not having a child, but his attitude to you is horrible. Hope things get better for you soon.

 

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LikeTheDeadSea has 6 years experience as a BSN, RN and works as a Certified School Nurse.

1 Follower; 4,663 Visitors; 485 Posts

Sending you love!

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4,167 Visitors; 344 Posts

I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I'm also in my 30s, and my husband and I just had our first son via IVF. We tried for years before seeking fertility treatment- I also have PCOS and needed some major help to even ovulate. We tried a bunch of rounds of clomid, injectible meds, progesterone supplements, and IUIs before we finally went the IVF route. I'm so thankful that we did. 

Keep your head up. We endured years of family asking when we would have kids, and our parents asking us for grandkids. Half of our family doesn't even know that we did any fertility treatments still, and frankly I don't think it's any of their business. 

One thing I will say- I know you said your OB prescribed you fertility meds. I would very strongly suggest you seek the help of a fertility specialist/reproductive endocrinologist. We did a round of clomid with my OB before going to a specialist, and it turns out we needed more support medically than what my OB knew to provide. Our fertility clinic was amazing. Hang in there. I really thought it wasn't going to happen for me, but we kept trying and pushing forward anyway. It's a long road, but it's possible. 

Edited by EllaBella1

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Spidey's mom works as a RN.

4 Followers; 76,272 Visitors; 11,292 Posts

The comments about your infertility issues from others I agree with.  

I do have to comment specifically about your husband though because I have experience with abused women and men. 

You should really consider whether you want to stay with a man who treats you so disrespectfully.  Do you want to raise a child with a man like that?  If he is verbally abusive to you, the child will grow up hearing that.  And he might also be verbally abusive to the child. 

I'd advise you to think hard about this.  Is this really the way you want to live between now and when you die?  

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NRSKarenRN has 40 years experience as a BSN and works as a Registered Nurse, Home Health.

5 Followers; 9 Articles; 159,679 Visitors; 14,438 Posts

Dear belle05  Thanks for sharing your feelings.   Many members have expressed similar sentiments about Mothers Day post struggling with infertility.   First miscarried 8th year of marriage... while my younger SIL gleafully announced her 4th pregnancy.    

There is no need for you to attend Mothers Day gathering --schedule something else for that time.  Has your husband sperm count been tested?  My DH was shocked to find out low sperm count due to working in steel mill. Despite my lifelong battle with overweight, he never made fat comments to me.  Please consider couples counseling over infertility issues and his comments to you, which you do not deserve. 

Sending {{{{ HUGS}}}} to you...

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