I feel awful.
I decided today to withdraw from my MSN-Ed program. After one failed semester.
This was not a decision made lightly. I've been agonizing about it for months.
It's just not the right time for me to do this. When I started, I felt ready, but as I moved through the coursework, I felt repelled. I started putting it off and procrastinating deeper and deeper. I just could NOT bring myself to do the work. Yes; it was an online program and a REALLY good one at that. But my mouth and mind would fill with bitterness the second I opened my laptop.
It's an odd combo of things. 1) I had SUCH an awful time in my BSN program I think I'm totally repelled by any academic ANYTHING. Seriously. My stomach twists into knots at the very thought of nursing theory or writing papers or doing research. I didn't expect to feel like this. 2) I don't think online school is for me. I need the structure and interaction of a classroom setting. 3) I am really enjoying my life right now. I finally found a job I like, my personal life and finances are finally good, I'm working on getting healthier - and the LAST thing I discovered I want to do is worry about a paper being due or staying up until 2am reading some evidence-based research.
I was given a scholarship
for this program, and feel TERRIBLE wasting it voluntarily. I guess it's better than flunking out, but man. I feel horrible, like some ungrateful princess.
This also stinks because I'm used to being a straight-A, overachieving academic rock star my whole life. This is extremely out of character for me and my friends and family will be shocked.
I would still like to do it, but just not right now. Now is not the time. I would rather cautiously back away than struggle and fail.
Someone. Anyone. Please tell me this is okay! That I'm being mature and rational, right? That this isn't INSANE?