Getting avoided by a nurse...in my own family

Skips, MSN, RN · Jan 7, 2011

It sounds to me like she is possibly insecure, and she doesn't want to live up to that. I've encountered it during my life, and it's a very real thing. I'm sorry this is happening to you. You don't deserve that, especially from a family member! Perhaps you should be direct, but tactful, and try to talk to her about it. Tell her that your feelings are hurt, and use positive language. If she feels like you are blaming her for your feelings, she will get defensive. Not saying you are going to do that...just some advice anyway. :) :redpinkhe Good luck! I hope everything works out. You are going to kick butt in nursing school!

rn/writer, RN · Jan 7, 2011

Maybe a case of survivor guilt? She made it and you didn't. Or she just doesn't know what to say? Or she doesn't want to "catch" your failure (even though that's just silly)?

Maybe she's struggling in her job--lots of newer nurses are having a tough time of it--and she's afraid to say anything because it seems really awful to complain to your friend who couldn't finish school. Her marriage might be rocky. She might have problems that have nothing to do with you. There may be all kinds of things going on behind the scenes that you don't know about.

People are complicated and do all kinds of goofy things for reasons they probably don't even know themselves half the time. I give you credit for not holding a grudge and still wanting to have a relationship with her. That speaks volumes about your level of maturity.

I would suggest either getting her alone sometime or writing her a letter or an email saying that you feel like something has come between you and you miss her.

You'll probably get further telling her what you want or need (friendship, encouragement, connection) and what you have to offer her (friendship, encouragement, connection) than criticizing her behavior.

Even if you get nowhere with her, you may plant a seed for a future reunion. No matter what, you'll feel better for having said your piece. Good for you.

I applaud your decision to take another run at your degree. :yeah: And I admire your willingness to reach out to someone who many would say doesn't deserve it.

I hope you're able to reconnect.

BOOYARN · Jan 7, 2011

ask her about it straight fowardly even if it comes off a little strong, just be like hey i wanted to ask you about ..... if she avoids it ask her why....thats the problem with women you assume, just ask her why she is avoiding it , and you wont have to have this whole theory of why she is avoiding you????

goodluck with school!

eriksoln, BSN, RN · Jan 7, 2011

Hello you guys. First of all, I want to let you know that I admire each one of you. You inspire me to pick myself up and try again. I'm fairly new to the board. I just want to know if anyone has ever had a similar issue as this.
My sister in law and I went to nursing school at the same time, but different schools. She ended up graduating two years ago with her BSN, and I was dismissed from my ADN program because of my grades. We always got along ok. When I was in school, she would sometimes ask me about how my school did things, then would go on about how her school was harder. I just brushed it off. Seems like each semester that went by, she said less and less to me. Since she has graduated, she has totally avoided me . I had a very hard time after being dismissed and it made me depressed. She wasn't even there for me. I asked her for advice, she never gave it to me. Encouragement? No way. Now that she is a nurse, I want to ask her about her job, but she avoids having a conversation with me. She could care less what my plans are, and isn't about to ask me what my plans are in nursing. I can't understand why she is doing this to me. I have done nothing but be nice to her and encouraged her when she was in school, but she obviously has a chip on her shoulder for some reason. I thought us both becoming nurses would bring us closer, but its done just the opposite. As for me, I plan to go back this semester and start over. I believe I'll do just fine without her .

I too had a friend who was asked to leave the program. He............was a master of taking shortcuts and they recognized it in his clinicals. They asked him to spend the off time between semesters to "consider if nursing was the right choice for you and if you really want to continue in the program". They made it clear care plans that were "copy/pasted" and such would result in write ups, disappearing during clinicals would result in aggressive punishments. He was only half hearted into it and took their advice. He switched his major to accounting.

Two years later, I graduate from the program, and he is off to a small local college to finish his accounting studies. I lost contact with him afterwards. My social life during my first year of nursing was scrambled eggs, my job overwhelmed me causing that. Then I went travel nursing for two years and never heard from him.

Now, I'm back in my home state and see him from time to time. I know he is working for a large firm, doing audits. I know he has certain times of the year he works longer days, but for the most part he is M-F 9 to 5 with no holidays or weekends. I also know he makes less than me, but not that much less when you consider his health benefits and retirement plan are superior to mine in EVERY way possible.

See, thing is, as a nurse, I've gong through many stages in which I've questioned whether I made the right decision or not. I've always ended up saying "Yes, this is what I want to do, I just need to change how I go about it a bit." During these times when I've been questioning my choice, I don't want to hear about my friend who, possibly, was saved from the wolves by his "half hearted approach" to nursing. Its a bit much to shoulder that he ended up in a better place because he tried less. lol Selfish view but, when we are considering our life choices, thats how we view it. During those times I am pondering life's turns and dips, I don't like to hear about his work much. It raises questions that I have no answer for and often makes me regret things when I should be grateful.

Nursing is tough. Nursing is not a job or a career, its a lifestyle. While you are waiting for your sister in law to chime in with words of encouragement and lend you emotional support, what you are missing is that................its not that she doesn't want to give it, but she may not have it to give. In fact, its very likely she is in dire need of the same herself. Being a nurse has granted me much that I am grateful for, but it has taken away much also. It seems as though I have very little time for "me" anymore. When I was a landscaper, I had at least a few hours every day where I was not concerned about this/that. I'm happy to have a few hours of peace a week these days.

loriangel14, RN · Jan 7, 2011

Possibly your sister in law is feeling badly about how things turned out for you and doesn't know what to say. I had a friend in nursing school that failed part way through the program and I found myself avoiding her because I just felt so guilty that I had made it and she didn't.

kids · Jan 7, 2011

There is nothing that says you have to like someone just because they are family. Maybe she's just not that interested in a relationship with you but nursing school gave you a common ground to base a conversation on.

mtowers2 · Jan 7, 2011

I agree with a few of the earlier posts. First and foremost maybe she is avoiding you because she feels bad that you did not make it and is afraid that in talking to you she might offend you or reopen that wound for you. I also agree that you should just be up front and direct with her and ask her straight up why she is avoiding you. Finally, nursing truly is a lifestyle and nursing is probably the main thing going on her life right now one way or another and she maybe hesitant to talk to you because nursing maybe the only thing she has to discuss and she may find it hard to discuss it with you thinking she may upset you.

Orange Tree · Jan 7, 2011

It sounds like you are willing to offer her all off the things that you desire in a friendship, but her needs may be different from your own. People who have a lot of problems and frequently feel depressed can be emotionally draining. In the past, I've had to distance myself from friends whose lives were one tragedy after another. I didn't have the energy to keep offering support, encouragement and a shoulder to cry on when fun, laughter and commonality were missing from the relationship.

Congratulations for getting yourself back into school! And since you've got a lot of hard work ahead of you, try to clear all the negativity out of your head and focus on your future, successful self. :nurse:

Wanna_BA_Nurse · Jan 7, 2011

:confused:I don't know a lot about your situation, but all I can guess is that she is mad at you. I don't see jealousy or anything else really. Maybe...I don't know why you got kicked out, but the only situation I can imagine is that you were more privileged than her (maybe with money or something) and for some reason she sees you getting dismissed as a failure so she is mad at you for having more than her and not taking your privileges seriously. I dunno. I really don't. In fact, I'm probably wrong.

You don't need her support though, do you? Why should you care what she thinks? You're both nurses and you both should be proud! I'm proud of you! Being a nurse is TOUGH. :twocents:

caliotter3 · Jan 7, 2011

Who knows what her problem is. You can ask her directly and get to the bottom of it, or you can go on about your business and leave her to her own devices. I've stayed away from relatives when it suited me. Then, when everyone met at a funeral, imagine that, we talked.

Katie5 · Jan 7, 2011

I agree with RN/Writer,sometimes people start with doing something(and may know or not know tha reason) and after they have done it for so long, they just stay with it.

I applaud you trying to link up with her.Give it your best shot again and see how it turns out.Goodluck:)