I need help, and I will start counseling about it here soon. However, I'm turning to allnurses.com to put a label on what I'm feeling because I'm very confused.
I have been a nurse for 5 years total, 3 of them in labor and delivery. I feel like a new nurse all over again! I cry after (just okay and bad equally) shifts. I dread going into work. I've had to be put on anxiety medication. I'm baffled because this started back in September/October. However, I've always sort of struggled with how stressful L&D is and if I'm even smart enough of a nurse to do it. At the 1.5 year mark, I felt better and competent but only for a few months. I definitely do not feel this way at all anymore. Nothing in particular happened. But the thought of going back for a routine C-section makes me nauseous with anxiety. Or the thought of a vaginal delivery with some type of complication happening, even though I've dealt with plenty of complications and I've done many C-sections just fine. I've precepted and I've taught people in those situations.
I am getting tired of every shift having some kind of emergency happening. Getting yelled at/belittled by a doctor or two here and there. Having a physically demanding shift where everything hurts afterward due to turning epidural patients constantly. Pushing for hours. It's all getting to be too much. I used to like this job and I thought L&D was my *dream* job (ha!), I don't know what happened.
My personality is quiet and reserved, and I am shy. I tend to really like routine and I have generalized anxiety disorder. I don't know if labor is for me anymore. I worked hard to actually get into OB and I have my master's in nursing education. But without OB or any inpatient experience, how will a nursing school or hospital ever hire me in the future as an educator without it?
I suppose I would like emotional support/stories of similar situations. Thank you.