I finished my last day of exams for RPN school on Friday. I did very well. My final average was 86. Even though it's only my RPN, it took me over three years - I did it part time while working as a PSW (our version of the CNA). It's been backbreaking. CNA work was hell and while I now have a very nice CNA job I've done some hellish ones. Previous to this I worked in an office, a nice comfy job that I was laid off from over two years ago...since I was already attending Nursing school, I took the CNA work as a means to an end.
So anyway...I have graduated, have a temporary licence, and have a new job that I start on June 12th. I should be ecstatic. I should be thrilled. I should be looking forward to starting the RN bridging program in the fall... we all know that RN's have more opportunities I don't feel the RPN was a waste of time. It was what I needed for the time being.
Now...my husband. He has been very supportive of my schooling. We share expenses, but he has chipped in for some of my costs especially food etc. when things were tight for me. He earns a good living, but not enough for both of us...we live in Toronto, a very expensive city to exist in. It has been a struggle. I have graduated with debt from a student loan.
We were married four years ago this June. We have known each other since high school, when we dated. We broke up after college (the first time around) and then each got engaged to other people, both called it off (unbeknownst to the two of us!) and then met up again and rekindled our relationship. We lived together for 8 years before marrying. For all of the years before my marriage, I worked in an office.
Now the problem....my husband has a group of friends who happen to be girls. They have been his friends for years, since his breakup with his ex-fiance. This has never, ever been a problem, and since I myself have a best friend who is a guy, I can never hold this against him. I am not friends with them - they mostly ignore me when they are around, and I so wish that this bothered him - because it bothers me! Anyway. I have never felt threatened by them. Never. Just as I would never ever betray my husbands trust with my male best friend (plus...ewww...ick....we've known each other since we were four!!! :)) I sincerely, honestly, believe he would never do anything with them.
However - while I've been working 60 hour weeks with work and school, his friendship with them has expanded - so much so that he speaks to one of them (they are three sisters) on the phone each and every day. In the car. At home. While we are shopping. Late at night. Once, we had a HUUUUUUUGE fight because one of them called at 3AM to tell him to "go outside and see the northern lights" because he's a nature nut. I FREAKED because I had a 7AM clinical and had worked til 11PM the night before in the nursing home. He did not see the problem with this.
But the be-all, end-all for me this year...sigh. He gets three weeks vacation. He has booked all of it. Wanna know how much he'll spend with me???? ZIPPO. Not one day. Not one iota has been allocated to spending time with me. He has factored in a fishing trip (which he is on right now), hunting, an August long weekend to visit his dad...and more hunting in the fall. I was livid.... and hurt! His defence? "Well, you are starting a new job, and won't have vacation time". My response? The new job is part-time because all nursing jobs in Ontario are part-time which means I can take a few days here and there.
My most favourite place in the world is California. I dream of getting my RN and moving there. I visit once a year, with my mom. This year, I've been begging my husband to come with me. He won't go. Why? Because there's nothing there that interests him. I've begged, pleaded, offered to pay, nothing. He won't go. But last month I finally got him to agree to go for a weekend in September - he was to use one vacation day for it. When I explained it was an awfully long plane ride for two days, and one more day would be great, he lost it and yelled "I've already given you two days, and used one vacation day!!! I have no more time off!!!!!". I dropped the subject and it hasn't been mentioned again.
He says he loves me. He can be very loving. And I do love him. But I'm sitting here alone while he sits in a boat fishing with his dad and brother and I'm wondering why if he loves me he won't spend any time with me. I have accused him of loving those girls more than me, he gets very exasperated and claims that they are more like sisters and that he would no more sleep with one of them than I would with my friend Pete, so that shuts me up...I can't argue with that.
I love him but instead of celebrating my finishing nursing school and being happy about my future I am worried for it. So sorry to be so wordy - but I'm at my wits end here. Any suggestions?
Thank you Angie O'Plasty, for reading for comprehension :yelclap:
We have discussed the housework plenty - til I'm blue in the face. He readily admits he does not care that the house is a sty. I am tired of arguing and begging and pleading, so I have taken the "box it up and hide it" approach. His workbench is in our pantry, a small room off our kitchen. He used to keep it very clean and orderly. The last year it looks like Katrina went through. The kicker today was when I tried to move something and one of his VERY SHARP hunting knives got me, a small cut but I was furious. So now all of the mess is very neatly hidden in two banker's boxes, on top of the bench. He may be angry when he returns. I don't care. I begged him to take his turn...well, any turn, I do it all the time...to clean the bathroom before he went. He did the tub. Then he got a head cold, lounged around on the sofa on Nyquil for four days, and left on his fishing trip with the 409 still sitting at the edge of the sink.
And I have no such thoughts as to put off my education. I AM continuing on to my RN. For one, because there is so much more opportunity and portability (which is frustrating, because here in Ontario RPN's do almost as much as the RN's skill-wise, for much less pay and much less respect). Also, because I want to be independent. YES, I certainly want my marriage to work and have no thoughts of abandoning it for the time being. But my mom was a single mother left with no means of supporting herself when I was nine - I don't want to be in that position. Ever. What if I don't go on for my RN, the marriage ultimately doesn't work out, and I have nothing but my lower-paying RPN position?
I do not think that my furthering my education will be a breaking point in this marriage. If it is, well then, we have much further, deeper problems at the root.
And you're right, CardiacRN1006, I'm sitting here alone, fixing dinner alone, watching tv - alone, because he's out bobbing around on some lake somewhere.
On the upside, I imagine he's very cold and wet. It's been raining here for three days
I think marriage is the hardest job out there. I admire you for thinking about supporting yourself. I don't have any answers except that I think you have worked on things from your end. Marriage should be about friendship and mutuality. I don't think he is keeping his end. If he is unwilling to play ball then it may be time to go elsewhere. I hope you find a way to get to your dreams.
Specializes in med/surg/tele/neuro/rehab/corrections.
Gaelic, try writing to Dear Abbey and see what she has to say. This really sounds like something I would read in her column. I would love to see her reply.
And when you get your RN..... yes please do come to California! Nurses are needed here!
Gaelic, congralulations on being finished with the first half of your nursing education, and another:bow: for getting a job so quickly. Now, forgive my paranoia, but would your hubby encourage you to go to school, and work just so he has more "unsupervised" time? There are few things more telling than his unwillingness to take your side in the "wife vs friends" issue. You should come first, and if he isn't, hasn't been, willing to provide that, all his words are just wind. It's doing, not talking that is real. And I guess I could see a single "boy-time" trip, but all the rest of his free time should be yours. And that he begrudges another single day to share with you in California??? Shame on the selfish, immature brat. Spank him:trout: , then talk. Remember, it takes two people to make a relationship, and only one to break it. I'm just thinking that you are in this alone already, and he's hoping that you won't notice.
I thought it was odd that they didn't want to be my friend too.
They did sort of "come around" at the wedding, and talk to me a bit, but it ended there.
Just for the record, Hubby does have a very good male friend that he also enjoys spending time with. I like him, I mean, they talk guy stuff (fishing!) so I'm not buddy buddy with him but I'd sooooo much rather him spend time with this friend than the girls.
And I cannot for the life of me comprehend why it's such a frigging inconvenience to spend a weeks vacation with me. It's very hurtful...you know?
Many thanks. All of your comments are much appreciated. And someday...I may just pick it all up and move to California!!!!!!
Edited to add that maybe I should ride less and concentrate more on making my man happy LOL even though he will be out and about in his boat and driving those annoying chicks to wherever it is that they need to go.....
I read about a contest in OK called "Miss Naked Oklahoma" where part of the judging was riding around in all your glory on horseback. Perhaps you could enter thisto attract the attention of your man. Sounds more interesting than meeting him at the door in Saran Wrap, and I would venture to guess one of The Witches of Eastwick could never match that feat! :lol2: :lol2:
This is from a much older person, been married 34 years:
Though we can be friends with people of the opposite sex, there reallty needs to be safeguards established to preserve your best friend relationship: your marriage.
It works best if your opposite sex friends are mutual friends: that is they are primarily your spouses friend, and you share the friendship with your spouse. I have had many dear male friends who were first and foremost my husbands friend.
When you marry, you blend your friends, and as a normal course, some of your opposite sex friends fall off if they are not at least relating in a friendly way to your spouse.
What worries me about this senerio is that your husbands female friends are unfriendly towards you. My daughter has a lot of guy friends, but if they marry, she either embraces the wife, or gets out of the picture mostly. These girls are really staying very involved with your husband, without embracing you. This does not strengthen your bond with your spouse. Just reading your story, I don't like these girls!
Marraige is a big transition, and your husband is probably just clueless, but it would be a good investment in your marriage to talk to someone about this, just to establish healthy guidelines.
Sorry, I haven't read all the posts. I think I would've had enough when I found out that he loaned the car to them...and lied to you about it. If there's lying involved, there's probably something lie about. But it's your call, of course. That's just MHO. I went thru something similar w/ ex hubby and old gf who came back around, claiming they were just friends. Yeah, right. Friends w/ benefits. She even started calling and griping at me if he didn't give her enough money or do enough stuff for her. Long story there..but if he shows more respect for them and their feelings than yours, there's a problem.
When I started pre-req's for nursing school, suddenly, my husband was desperate to spend time with me. He'd call me 2 seconds after I left classes, and demand that I come home immediately and then if I told him I needed to study, he'd ask why. According to him, I had just left class and I was lying or he'd accuse me of cheating.
This was only one semester and the entire time he terrorized the hell out of me and made accusation after accusation. I kept telling him this was only temporary and that the next semester I wouldn't be taking 18 hours and would not be so busy. So, the next semester, I only had 12 hours and very easy classes and THEN he ignored me! I asked to go for a walk, go to the movies, go out to eat, and he answered no each time. He was really childish and I knew he was doing that to get back at me.
Before I started school, he'd have women calling the house at 1:00 am and even had one IN THE HOUSE at 3:00 am and saw nothing wrong with this.
He can have a million female friends and they took him out to eat and to the movies while sat at home while I was pregnant with our first child, but if I EVER talked to a man that simply passed by me and even if all I said was hello I got yelled at.
My husband never kept a job over a month in our entire relationship and so the only reason I was trying so hard to finish nursing school is because he wouldn't work.
He had no car, no license, and no motivation and only contributed aggravation to the household.
I REALLY don't know what is wrong with some men today. My theory is they are still stuck in the 1950's, and they also think that they don't have to work!
He's in jail now for not paying child support. Isn't that sad?
He never followed through by helping around the house, at all, which to me says though he verbally "supported" me, he didn't follow through with much else,
These are certainly not "new friends",
I never, ever walked in the door and demand things return to the way they were, nor did I "neglect" the relationship. All of the spare time I had (which wasn't much) went to him. When he had time for me.
And things...um...haven't worked out for us..I'm perplexed by this statement.
I'm a little confused by the posts that are attacking me for not being "supportive of my man," so to speak, after working two-part time jobs and attending school for the past three years....just where, when and how was I supposed to do this...isn't it a two-way street? I mean, I'm getting the impression I should be at the door holding his slippers every evening...I am not a stay-at-home wife. I love and support him, but if he'd like a cocker spaniel, then oh-BOY did he get the wrong girl
A few of the posts here smack of the he cheated on you because you MADE him do it mentality and I don't buy that. Yes, we are in this together, and I am certainly not abdicating my level of responsibility in this situation. But I won't....won't....take full responsibility because I have not "been attending to his needs". That's archaic.
I think you are missing what the people in these posts are trying to tell you. Your husband is human just like you and he needs your support-- not getting his slippers--but your emotional support as much as you need him. I am in nursing school right now so I can tell you it doesn't leave a lot of time to do anything but study. And by giving him ultimatums you are pushing him further and further away. To him the ultimatums you give are a no win situation. He will lose his friends or he will lose you. Sure he would rather be with people who he isn't disappointing at every turn. There is no fast and easy way to fix your relationship and both people have to be willing to try. My advice is that you sit down with him and find out what he wants and how that fits with what you want. If you both want to stay in the marriage great... if not get out before you waste anymore time trying to fix what can't be fixed.
Specializes in M/S, OB, Ortho, ICU, Diabetes, QA/PI.
That's because the one answer sounded like it came out of a 1940's guide to marriage.
hey Marie, don't you mean 1840's....................
and Gaelic, in terms of those "girl" friends, that's just not a healthy situation - calls at 3 am? whether you got home late and had to get up early or not, that's not appropriate - I'm surprised a red flag didn't pop up out of the phone when it rang....................
I don't feel the RPN was a waste of time. It was what I needed for the time being. 
:lol2: 
HM2VikingRN, RN
4,700 Posts
I think marriage is the hardest job out there. I admire you for thinking about supporting yourself. I don't have any answers except that I think you have worked on things from your end. Marriage should be about friendship and mutuality. I don't think he is keeping his end. If he is unwilling to play ball then it may be time to go elsewhere. I hope you find a way to get to your dreams.