I finished my last day of exams for RPN school on Friday. I did very well. My final average was 86. Even though it's only my RPN, it took me over three years - I did it part time while working as a PSW (our version of the CNA). It's been backbreaking. CNA work was hell and while I now have a very nice CNA job I've done some hellish ones. Previous to this I worked in an office, a nice comfy job that I was laid off from over two years ago...since I was already attending Nursing school, I took the CNA work as a means to an end.
So anyway...I have graduated, have a temporary licence, and have a new job that I start on June 12th. I should be ecstatic. I should be thrilled. I should be looking forward to starting the RN bridging program in the fall... we all know that RN's have more opportunities I don't feel the RPN was a waste of time. It was what I needed for the time being.
Now...my husband. He has been very supportive of my schooling. We share expenses, but he has chipped in for some of my costs especially food etc. when things were tight for me. He earns a good living, but not enough for both of us...we live in Toronto, a very expensive city to exist in. It has been a struggle. I have graduated with debt from a student loan.
We were married four years ago this June. We have known each other since high school, when we dated. We broke up after college (the first time around) and then each got engaged to other people, both called it off (unbeknownst to the two of us!) and then met up again and rekindled our relationship. We lived together for 8 years before marrying. For all of the years before my marriage, I worked in an office.
Now the problem....my husband has a group of friends who happen to be girls. They have been his friends for years, since his breakup with his ex-fiance. This has never, ever been a problem, and since I myself have a best friend who is a guy, I can never hold this against him. I am not friends with them - they mostly ignore me when they are around, and I so wish that this bothered him - because it bothers me! Anyway. I have never felt threatened by them. Never. Just as I would never ever betray my husbands trust with my male best friend (plus...ewww...ick....we've known each other since we were four!!! :)) I sincerely, honestly, believe he would never do anything with them.
However - while I've been working 60 hour weeks with work and school, his friendship with them has expanded - so much so that he speaks to one of them (they are three sisters) on the phone each and every day. In the car. At home. While we are shopping. Late at night. Once, we had a HUUUUUUUGE fight because one of them called at 3AM to tell him to "go outside and see the northern lights" because he's a nature nut. I FREAKED because I had a 7AM clinical and had worked til 11PM the night before in the nursing home. He did not see the problem with this.
But the be-all, end-all for me this year...sigh. He gets three weeks vacation. He has booked all of it. Wanna know how much he'll spend with me???? ZIPPO. Not one day. Not one iota has been allocated to spending time with me. He has factored in a fishing trip (which he is on right now), hunting, an August long weekend to visit his dad...and more hunting in the fall. I was livid.... and hurt! His defence? "Well, you are starting a new job, and won't have vacation time". My response? The new job is part-time because all nursing jobs in Ontario are part-time which means I can take a few days here and there.
My most favourite place in the world is California. I dream of getting my RN and moving there. I visit once a year, with my mom. This year, I've been begging my husband to come with me. He won't go. Why? Because there's nothing there that interests him. I've begged, pleaded, offered to pay, nothing. He won't go. But last month I finally got him to agree to go for a weekend in September - he was to use one vacation day for it. When I explained it was an awfully long plane ride for two days, and one more day would be great, he lost it and yelled "I've already given you two days, and used one vacation day!!! I have no more time off!!!!!". I dropped the subject and it hasn't been mentioned again.
He says he loves me. He can be very loving. And I do love him. But I'm sitting here alone while he sits in a boat fishing with his dad and brother and I'm wondering why if he loves me he won't spend any time with me. I have accused him of loving those girls more than me, he gets very exasperated and claims that they are more like sisters and that he would no more sleep with one of them than I would with my friend Pete, so that shuts me up...I can't argue with that.
I love him but instead of celebrating my finishing nursing school and being happy about my future I am worried for it. So sorry to be so wordy - but I'm at my wits end here. Any suggestions?
Sounds like you have been paying A LOT of attention to yourself and NO attention to your husband. If you want him to make you a priority, then you have to make him a priority first.
He has sat idlely by while you persue your dreams, sacrificed more than you can imagine. Maybe you should put off furthering your education, be happy with where you are at and let him consume your time, your thoughts, your focus.
We women can so easily put our men aside......if you want to stay married, you've got to change your perspective and focus.
Jessica
I agree that he has probably made some sacrifices but he has not been treating her with respect. She is his wife and should take priority, not his little galpals. A red flag for me was the chick that called at 3AM to tell him to "go look outside" Excuse me, but he should have told this friend not to call at 3AM because his wife has to be up early. And as far as not spending time with her on vacation? Sounds like he still thinks he's single. Trust me, she can cater to his every whim and it will not be enough. I personally think that they need counseling but something tells me that he is not going to take that seriously either. I don't think she should put her dreams on hold- too many women have done that only for the guy to leave when she gets "old". Marriage means both the husband and wife making their spouse a priority not just the wife. This isn't the 1950's anymore.
WOW, this is harsh. I hope you don't take this advice seriously. More than ever you need to get yourself in a position of independence. Getting the RN is essential. I am not saying give up just yet. I think the counseling is important, but you also need to plan out another path if necessary.
Sounds like you have been paying A LOT of attention to yourself and NO attention to your husband. If you want him to make you a priority, then you have to make him a priority first.
He has sat idlely by while you persue your dreams, sacrificed more than you can imagine. Maybe you should put off furthering your education, be happy with where you are at and let him consume your time, your thoughts, your focus.
We women can so easily put our men aside......if you want to stay married, you've got to change your perspective and focus.
Sounds like you have been paying A LOT of attention to yourself and NO attention to your husband. If you want him to make you a priority, then you have to make him a priority first.
He has sat idlely by while you persue your dreams, sacrificed more than you can imagine. Maybe you should put off furthering your education, be happy with where you are at and let him consume your time, your thoughts, your focus.
We women can so easily put our men aside......if you want to stay married, you've got to change your perspective and focus.
Jessica
Um....Wow. Speechless on this one!!!!!!!!!
Ahem. Ok. I appreciate all the responses (however off base some might have been ) and here are some thoughts.
For those who say I haven't made him a priority in my life, and that I've been spending oodles of time on ME, the whole reason I (a) went to school full-time and (b) worked the rest of my waking hours was at his insistence. He insisted he would pick up some slack around the house. We don't have children, but he does nothing in regards to housework, unless you count his laundry, which he only does because he'd have nothing to wear otherwise. He never dusts, cleans, vacuums. He did help me qualify for a student loan.
My eyes and ears are SO open regarding "the girls" that if anything untoward were going on, I "think" I would know. I know this doesn't sound rational, and you might say yeah, right, but we both had fiances in college who cheated on us both and that is one value we both hold very dearly. If he indeed was cheating, I really would be very shocked. However, having said that, I truly believe there are different ways of cheating. And right now, I believe he is emotionally cheating. Does that make sense???? I can't get him to do ANYTHING around the house, yet he's made plans to go help "the girls" take down the TV aerial from their new house. Ya. That makes me feel great Ortess is bang on when she says that he should have told the cow not to call at 3AM because, well, normal people don't call at that hour. But he didn't. He was angry with me for being angry, because "the northern lights mean so much to him".
As far as discussion and planning go, he's known for over a year that I would be graduating this year and would have more time. He booked all his vacation time anyway.
Nursing school was "our" plan. This was not a case of my "chasing my dreams". I was laid off from my job, and he encouraged me to do this. I could have easily gone and gotten another job, which I was planning to do. He has NOT financially supported me during this endeavour. I pay my bills. I work. I pay the student loan payments. I guess I just want to get across that the whole "he sacrificed for you" mentality is not how it goes here. His lifestyle has not...changed...at...all. The only "sacrifice" he has made is his time with me, and I guess that's true, he hasn't had me so he's filled the space with others and now doesn't want me back all that much. I feel like I have sacrificed my life and my friends and my marriage to do this; after all, I was the one up studying at four am, I was the one working 16 hour days at 2 part time jobs, he was home, lying on the sofa.
I do know that he is jealous of my education. He has a degree, but he does not use it at work, and he was a borderline student, while I am on the honour roll in everything I do. Yet, you would think he would discourage my going on with this, but no...he is encouraging me to do my RN and wants me to continue while I still the momentum.
What worries me is the more angry and resentful I get of "the girls", the more surreptitious he's become. He goes over there now without telling me. They do not call here, they call his cell phone. Last week my car broke down. While it was being repaired, I called him and said "I guess I'll have to drive the truck, and you can drive your little car, while it's being fixed". I noted panic in his voice. Well, turns out one of "the girls" was borrowing his little car and he would have to get it back so I could drive it or his truck. He did not tell me he had lent it to her. Apparently this happens all the time. He was all of sudden acutely interested on when I would get MY car back, as I guess he had promised her she could have it on the friday. He did some wicked backpeddalling and was very, very careful to even HINT that I should not have the car...but it's the secrets like that that hurt. When I confront him about his secrecy, he says he does it because I just get mad, and he'd rather avoid it.
BTW - I have given him ultimatums in the past over these witches. Sigh...ultimatums rarely work, but I've been desperate some times. He refuses to make a choice...says we aren't even in the same category. Says I am his wife and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but they are his dear friends and cannot give them up either.
I'm so upset and torn up about it.
Oh, and Pete? Not an option. He actually got a girlfriend this year, so I see a little less of him. She's really nice. And I hope to GOD I never make her feel about me the way those girls make me feel about them
No, I'm not a housewife, but what would it matter if I was? Perhaps more marriages would stay together and not end up in divorce if we put our spouse first. I try to implement this as much as possible in my marriage and I know that my DH would swim through shark infested waters to rescue me if I was in need. Obviously I'm not your typical womens-lib, I can do it on my own and I don't need a man to help me out type of gal. But, I'm not going to continue on a diatribe and defend myself for what I have stated.
Besides, she's the one that is seeking advice from others and asking for opinions from a third party. If it were up to me I would not be asking strangers for help in my marriage, I would talk to my HUSBAND. JMHO
Besides, she's the one that is seeking advice from others and asking for opinions from a third party. If it were up to me I would not be asking strangers for help in my marriage, I would talk to my HUSBAND. JMHO
Jessica
Just to clarify, my husband and I have discussed this at length. I am taking any statements on this thread with a grain...no, a shaker... of salt. It's always nice to have outside, third-party, objective opinions. No one here other than me has a dog in this fight, and ultimately, it's my responsibility to take any action or not. I can heed the advice or leave it, so to say.
And is not counselling "asking strangers for help in my marriage"? Not quite the same thing, but still. I'm glad you have a great marriage. I'm happy for ya, really.
You have a right to be angry and resentful of the "girls". It sounds like he is hiding them from you. And why would he do that? I believe in what you said, that emotional cheating is cheating. He is not there for you. Maybe he is resentful of the time that you have been away from home, BUT he asked you to persue all this.
I have no idea how you are going to get through all this. It will take time. But since he is not there for you, I would pick up some hobbies. You could join a gym and a lot of gyms have outings. There are so many things that you could do, book club, wine testing, scrapbooking (for beautiful pics of your hubby). The list could go on. Involve yourself in other things but still communicate with your husband. Communication is very important.
You've probably seen enough replies already, but I'll chime in.
My ex was like that. Always needing the company of other women friends. Innocent excuses. They just had to go work out together. He had no choice to give her a ride here and there because-fill in the blank. Once they even had to share a hotel room, really he had no choice. Hm.
He's showing you he wants out. Plain and simple. He's just too chicken to say it and be responsible. He's not going to turn into a swell partner, ever. And really, you can do so much better than this. Let one of his dim-bulb gal pals have him.
There is someone much better waiting for you to dump this loser so you can meet him!
Been there done that got the tshirt, now married to Mr. Wonderful,
I don't think there is anything going on with those girls. It is my opinion that the issue is that at the moment he'd rather be with anyone who is not YOU.
In my history of break-ups the barometer of things not going well is if my SO would rather do something other than be with me. Now I'm not talking about the usual alone-time that we all need from time to time. I'm talking about every spare moment that my partner has is spent in someone else's company.
It could be friends or relatives. It doens't matter. The point is that if the person does not want to be around me when we both have time off, it always meant that something was wrong with the relationship. I just think that if a person doesn't want to do fun things with me, go on vacation with me or include me in on the fun they are having with other people then why are we in a relationship?
Chances are this situation could have happened over time anyway. I don't think nursing school caused it. I don't think his having women friends caused it. It may just be the way the relationship has evolved over time. All is not lost though. You might ask him if there if everything is okay in his view. If it is not then you can work on it. If everything is okay in his book, then you can let him know that you are feeling left out and abandoned and see how he responds to that.
Best of luck to you, and congratulations on finishing nursing school.
No, I'm not a housewife, but what would it matter if I was? Perhaps more marriages would stay together and not end up in divorce if we put our spouse first.
And then we would be completely exhausted with no time left for ourselves at the end of the day. Marriage is a compromise of giving and receiving, not a give-only deal.
Besides, she's the one that is seeking advice from others and asking for opinions from a third party.
That's still not an invitation to rip her a new one by lahying all the blame at her feet. Nor does it mean she'll take any or everyone's advice.
If it were up to me I would not be asking strangers for help in my marriage, I would talk to my HUSBAND.
A little hard to talk to him when he's not home, and not interested.
I think this story is all too common, except usually it's the man who has been putting all of his focus on his work. You know, he doesn't get home until late in the evening, stay up working past the time you've gone to bed and before you even have a chance to say two words to each other he's out the door to work again.
The fact of the matter is that while it may be sad that you two had grown distant over this duration of time, you have to share part of the responsibility for why it became this way. From what it sounds he offered you support in every way he could. He probably started feeling lonely and unsupported himself (emotionally), and so he developed new friends... Next thing you know, you walk in the door and start demanding things return to the way they were before you started neglecting the relationship, and he withdrawals even more... Is it any wonder?
Relationships take work, and things don't fix themselves simply because you say so. I am glad to hear things have worked out between you to, but I seriously hope you recognize that a man needs support too, and once the damage is done it's going to take a little more than snapping your fingers to undo it.
I think this story is all too common, except usually it's the man who has been putting all of his focus on his work. You know, he doesn't get home until late in the evening, stay up working past the time you've gone to bed and before you even have a chance to say two words to each other he's out the door to work again.
The fact of the matter is that while it may be sad that you two had grown distant over this duration of time, you have to share part of the responsibility for why it became this way. From what it sounds he offered you support in every way he could. He probably started feeling lonely and unsupported himself (emotionally), and so he developed new friends... Next thing you know, you walk in the door and start demanding things return to the way they were before you started neglecting the relationship, and he withdrawals even more... Is it any wonder?
Relationships take work, and things don't fix themselves simply because you say so. I am glad to hear things have worked out between you to, but I seriously hope you recognize that a man needs support too, and once the damage is done it's going to take a little more than snapping your fingers to undo it.
Just a few points...
He never followed through by helping around the house, at all, which to me says though he verbally "supported" me, he didn't follow through with much else,
These are certainly not "new friends",
I never, ever walked in the door and demand things return to the way they were, nor did I "neglect" the relationship. All of the spare time I had (which wasn't much) went to him. When he had time for me.
And things...um...haven't worked out for us..I'm perplexed by this statement.
I'm a little confused by the posts that are attacking me for not being "supportive of my man," so to speak, after working two-part time jobs and attending school for the past three years....just where, when and how was I supposed to do this...isn't it a two-way street? I mean, I'm getting the impression I should be at the door holding his slippers every evening...I am not a stay-at-home wife. I love and support him, but if he'd like a cocker spaniel, then oh-BOY did he get the wrong girl
A few of the posts here smack of the he cheated on you because you MADE him do it mentality and I don't buy that. Yes, we are in this together, and I am certainly not abdicating my level of responsibility in this situation. But I won't....won't....take full responsibility because I have not "been attending to his needs". That's archaic.
He never followed through by helping around the house, at all, which to me says though he verbally "supported" me, he didn't follow through with much else,
These are certainly not "new friends",
I never, ever walked in the door and demand things return to the way they were, nor did I "neglect" the relationship. All of the spare time I had (which wasn't much) went to him. When he had time for me.
And things...um...haven't worked out for us..I'm perplexed by this statement.
I'm a little confused by the posts that are attacking me for not being "supportive of my man," so to speak, after working two-part time jobs and attending school for the past three years....just where, when and how was I supposed to do this...isn't it a two-way street? I mean, I'm getting the impression I should be at the door holding his slippers every evening...I am not a stay-at-home wife. I love and support him, but if he'd like a cocker spaniel, then oh-BOY did he get the wrong girl
A few of the posts here smack of the he cheated on you because you MADE him do it mentality and I don't buy that. Yes, we are in this together, and I am certainly not abdicating my level of responsibility in this situation. But I won't....won't....take full responsibility because I have not "been attending to his needs". That's archaic.
You've misinterpreted my post. I'm not saying you should be at his beck and call, or that you weren't fulfilling your "womanly duties" or whathaveyou. And I'm not sayihg you didn't do the right thing for yourself at the time, or that you shouldn't have taken on so much of a burden over the past couple years.
All I am saying is that the past couple years could have put a strain on the relationship and on him, and that you should put some more effort into working on returning the relationship to it's former state. It won't happen overnight, but so long as he isn't cheating on you (and if he were you should leave him immediately), there is plenty of chance to save the relationship.
As far as housework is concerned, did you ever discuss this with him? Or did you begrudgingly take up all those duties while muttering under your breath about what he -should- be doing? Having a dialogue about the issue might help wonders... Or then again you might find out he was just looking for someone to replace his mommy.
In any event, if you want to save the relationship, and think it's worth saving, you have to work at it. If you don't think it's worth it, then leave. Nursing/Medical school can do this to a lot of relationships... Perhaps now that you've finished you need to take a step back and reevaluate things.
I don't feel the RPN was a waste of time. It was what I needed for the time being. 
Ortess is bang on when she says that he should have told the cow not to call at 3AM because, well, normal people don't call at that hour. But he didn't. He was angry with me for being angry, because "the northern lights mean so much to him". .thumb.gif.fc0b5b00a77a1cf676541776e02de0f9.gif){kind=avatar}
ortess1971
528 Posts