Finished Nursing School on Friday...marriage is toast

TazziRN, RN · May 16, 2006

Famous Ann Landers saying: are you better off with him or without him? I have my own personal opinion based on what you've written, but it would not be wise for me to voice it.

Marie_LPN, RN, LPN, RN · May 16, 2006

I'd get myself in counseling, because either way i'm going to need it.

I'd also suggest to him that he goes as well, or it's over. People cannot live day to day wondering.

beautifulb · May 16, 2006

He says those girls are like his sisters? You are his WIFE. He should treat you like one.

Princess74 · May 16, 2006

Sounds to me like there is more going on with this girl/girls then you want to believe. I hope that I am wrong about that, but you better keep your eyes and ears open.

Another thing, and many will disagree with me here but most of the time, NOT all of the time, men and women can not just be friends.

jessica · May 16, 2006

Sounds like you have been paying A LOT of attention to yourself and NO attention to your husband. If you want him to make you a priority, then you have to make him a priority first.

He has sat idlely by while you persue your dreams, sacrificed more than you can imagine. Maybe you should put off furthering your education, be happy with where you are at and let him consume your time, your thoughts, your focus.

We women can so easily put our men aside......if you want to stay married, you've got to change your perspective and focus.

Jessica

Liddle Noodnik · May 16, 2006

I should be ecstatic. I should be thrilled. I should be looking forward to starting the RN bridging program in the fall... the be-all, end-all for me this year...sigh. He gets three weeks vacation. He has booked all of it. Wanna know how much he'll spend with me???? ZIPPO. ... marriage is toast?

Even before I read the whole scenario I thought - it's a wonder ANY marriage survives nursing school - you guys already did the hard part! Sort of...

Anyway, I think SOME vacation time alone might be appropriate, but it is too bad he doesn't want to pause with you and BREATHE together - I bet you guys have been waiting and WAITING for that! Has he just given up trying to talk to you since you have been busy for so long? Does he think that YOU don't care? Maybe he feels threatened, like, you won't need him so much anymore, or that you think you are better than he is (or he feels "less than"?). Could be any number of things which I'm sure you have thought of but guess what - you can't read his mind, dang it...

sigh... it's hard work ... and I don't blame you for being upset, AT ALL! You may also want to consider if the two of you need to chill a while before you jump into that bridge program.

Think carefully about what YOU want. I will bet this is all about his being HURT, and you know how easy it is for a guy to admit that he's HURT. (sorry guys)

Totally up to you, and of course, some of it beyond your control. Prayer is a good thing too :)

Laura77598 · May 16, 2006

Hi,

I can kinda understand some of what you are talking about. I have a husband that likes to go and do whatever he wants whenever he wants to do it. He is interested in "furry" conventions where people play with puppets, dress in fur suits,and do lots or art, writing, and other creative outlets. I truly have no interest in this area at all. I only want to go on family outings, family vacations, (National Lampoon's type stuff) where we as a family (there are 4 of us) have fun together.

I love my husband, but he is NOT the most sensitive considerate person about MY needs. He figures that He gets to do WHATEVER HE wants to do on his vacation, and the H#!! with what I want to do. He is not arrogant about it, but he soesn't see the harm in doing what HE wants for vacation. More often than not, I just try as much as possible to compromise and take what he will give me. There are 3 of us girls, and only one of him, so I tend to give in a little more. He gets to go away for one week every year to be by himself and have his own personal vacation. I get to stay home with my daughters. Does it suck? You BET! But What's my alternative? We're married, have kids together, and we really do love each other. I really think there are two separate rule books with marriage, one for what he wants and how to get it, and one for what I want and how to get it. Problem is he is more set on getting what he wants than I am. He will get what he wants no matter what the cost. I always carefully consider do I want this? How much do I want this? What will it cost me? Is the cost worth it? I usually give in at the what will it cost me question. I also simply think that most females do what's good for the unit (family, couple, community) and men seem to do what's good for the "self" (If it feels good, do it. If I want it, I should HAVE it. no matter WHAT the cost.) Don't flame me... I don't mean all people are this way, I just notice this type of trend in my own household. Now before you go thinking that my husband is some kind of macho male-chauvinist pig, he really is a great husband, and I would be miserable without him. He just feels that he is going to get what he wants because he has worked hard for it, and he feels that he needs to reward his efforts. My husband is all about instant gratification. He wants what he wants and he sees no reason why he can't have it! Selfish, yes, a bit, but also biologically normal. When guys want something ( food, rest, sleep, SEX, yes definitely sex,)They usually don't stop whining or trying until they get it! ( difference in brain structure -larger hypothalamus) Me I always ask how bad do I want this, can I live without it? Therefore, I get less of what I want than he does typically.

Now I just learn to get more of what I want, and worry less about him getting what he wants. I have become as shameless as my hubby about getting exactly what I want. when he sees that I am intent on getting what I want as much as he is, he eventually sees the need to demonstrate the high road for me and he gives in more often. Dont make this a battle, just be sure you get what YOU want about something else. Maybe he will decide that as long as he is insistent on meeting his needs, eventually you will do the same, and he may not be willing to pay that price every time. Eventually, he will begin to appreciate your needs more, but you need to remember that he is not trying to hurt you with how he spends his vacation time, it just works out that way. Don't make this an issue; just find something YOU want and make sure he knows that you will get that. Maybe its a vacation in Hawaii next year, maybe a new set of furniture, maybe you need to worry less about what he is doing that upsets you, and get whatever it is that you want. Two can play that game, pick up your racket and start playing!

Gotta go,

Bath is waiting

More later

Laura

WindyhillBSN · May 16, 2006

When Your Husband Would Rather Be With Someone Else, Girl Or Guy, Instead Of Spending Time W/you, There's A Problem. Some Marriges And Relationships Get To The Point Where People "love" Each Other, But They're Not In Love. What Do You Do? Get Counseling. Who Wants To Be In A Relationship Where You Feel Like A Close Cousin Instead Of A Close Marrige Mate.

DDRN4me · May 16, 2006

Nursing school and working full time (or even alot of part time hours)does take a toll on the marriage. He has learned to live a life without you, not by his choice but by necessity. Now that you have time, he doesnt. I have been in a similar situation with my dh. It takes an honest, long, sit down conversation where you both need to refocus on your marriage. He may be the kind of guy who needs his own time ; compromise and allow some of it...can you go on any of the trips with him? it mqay not be your favorite thing, but it is still time together...and that is what you need. Good Luck, and dont give up...you have spent a long time together , dont throw it away unless it is not fixable. please understand i am talking from experience, and my marriage is now (24 yrs) better than it was while i was in school alot and working alot. I still have a class to go, but now it is OUR goal for me to finish school, not just mine! Prayers to you, Mary

Marie_LPN, RN, LPN, RN · May 16, 2006

Sounds like you have been paying A LOT of attention to yourself and NO attention to your husband. If you want him to make you a priority, then you have to make him a priority first.
He has sat idlely by while you persue your dreams, sacrificed more than you can imagine. Maybe you should put off furthering your education, be happy with where you are at and let him consume your time, your thoughts, your focus.
We women can so easily put our men aside......if you want to stay married, you've got to change your perspective and focus.

This almost sounds like an excuse for his actions.

BBFRN, BSN, PhD · May 16, 2006

Sounds like you have been paying A LOT of attention to yourself and NO attention to your husband. If you want him to make you a priority, then you have to make him a priority first.
He has sat idlely by while you persue your dreams, sacrificed more than you can imagine. Maybe you should put off furthering your education, be happy with where you are at and let him consume your time, your thoughts, your focus.
We women can so easily put our men aside......if you want to stay married, you've got to change your perspective and focus.
Jessica

That's awfully harsh. How is her going to school not making him a priority? Are you a housewife? Just curious.

BTW, he is not sitting idly by, he's spending his free time with 3 other women, and taking vacations without his wife.