I finished my last day of exams for RPN school on Friday. I did very well. My final average was 86. Even though it's only my RPN, it took me over three years - I did it part time while working as a PSW (our version of the CNA). It's been backbreaking. CNA work was hell and while I now have a very nice CNA job I've done some hellish ones. Previous to this I worked in an office, a nice comfy job that I was laid off from over two years ago...since I was already attending Nursing school, I took the CNA work as a means to an end.
So anyway...I have graduated, have a temporary licence, and have a new job that I start on June 12th. I should be ecstatic. I should be thrilled. I should be looking forward to starting the RN bridging program in the fall... we all know that RN's have more opportunities I don't feel the RPN was a waste of time. It was what I needed for the time being.
Now...my husband. He has been very supportive of my schooling. We share expenses, but he has chipped in for some of my costs especially food etc. when things were tight for me. He earns a good living, but not enough for both of us...we live in Toronto, a very expensive city to exist in. It has been a struggle. I have graduated with debt from a student loan.
We were married four years ago this June. We have known each other since high school, when we dated. We broke up after college (the first time around) and then each got engaged to other people, both called it off (unbeknownst to the two of us!) and then met up again and rekindled our relationship. We lived together for 8 years before marrying. For all of the years before my marriage, I worked in an office.
Now the problem....my husband has a group of friends who happen to be girls. They have been his friends for years, since his breakup with his ex-fiance. This has never, ever been a problem, and since I myself have a best friend who is a guy, I can never hold this against him. I am not friends with them - they mostly ignore me when they are around, and I so wish that this bothered him - because it bothers me! Anyway. I have never felt threatened by them. Never. Just as I would never ever betray my husbands trust with my male best friend (plus...ewww...ick....we've known each other since we were four!!! :)) I sincerely, honestly, believe he would never do anything with them.
However - while I've been working 60 hour weeks with work and school, his friendship with them has expanded - so much so that he speaks to one of them (they are three sisters) on the phone each and every day. In the car. At home. While we are shopping. Late at night. Once, we had a HUUUUUUUGE fight because one of them called at 3AM to tell him to "go outside and see the northern lights" because he's a nature nut. I FREAKED because I had a 7AM clinical and had worked til 11PM the night before in the nursing home. He did not see the problem with this.
But the be-all, end-all for me this year...sigh. He gets three weeks vacation. He has booked all of it. Wanna know how much he'll spend with me???? ZIPPO. Not one day. Not one iota has been allocated to spending time with me. He has factored in a fishing trip (which he is on right now), hunting, an August long weekend to visit his dad...and more hunting in the fall. I was livid.... and hurt! His defence? "Well, you are starting a new job, and won't have vacation time". My response? The new job is part-time because all nursing jobs in Ontario are part-time which means I can take a few days here and there.
My most favourite place in the world is California. I dream of getting my RN and moving there. I visit once a year, with my mom. This year, I've been begging my husband to come with me. He won't go. Why? Because there's nothing there that interests him. I've begged, pleaded, offered to pay, nothing. He won't go. But last month I finally got him to agree to go for a weekend in September - he was to use one vacation day for it. When I explained it was an awfully long plane ride for two days, and one more day would be great, he lost it and yelled "I've already given you two days, and used one vacation day!!! I have no more time off!!!!!". I dropped the subject and it hasn't been mentioned again.
He says he loves me. He can be very loving. And I do love him. But I'm sitting here alone while he sits in a boat fishing with his dad and brother and I'm wondering why if he loves me he won't spend any time with me. I have accused him of loving those girls more than me, he gets very exasperated and claims that they are more like sisters and that he would no more sleep with one of them than I would with my friend Pete, so that shuts me up...I can't argue with that.
I love him but instead of celebrating my finishing nursing school and being happy about my future I am worried for it. So sorry to be so wordy - but I'm at my wits end here. Any suggestions?
hey Marie, don't you mean 1840's....................
and Gaelic, in terms of those "girl" friends, that's just not a healthy situation - calls at 3 am? whether you got home late and had to get up early or not, that's not appropriate - I'm surprised a red flag didn't pop up out of the phone when it rang....................
Red flags? Heck, there's a neon sign over her house saying, "Danger!" that even google earth can see.
One question: is he worth the effort in trying to win back (and did you really push him away)?
Ask him, straight up, if he wants to be your husband or not.
Fess up to your share: if you have neglected him and made EVERYTHING about school, then own it and apologize for it. I'm sure you had the conversation about how tough it would be before entering school, but reminding him that "this is what we discussed."
Second of all, if these females have no interest in you, and are distant, maybe he's ragging on you so they'll give him sympathy. THIS ISN'T ABOUT BEING INSECURE, this is about being HONEST with what the heaps of circumstantial evidence is illustrating.
Secondly, he needs to know that you cannot control him, and that is the way it is, butif he wants to be in a relationship with you, then here are the terms and conditions:
-going out with female friends? Not okay. Not ever. Unless you are there and they are also YOUR friends. If it's a big deal, then there is a big problem, and it doesn't start with you.
-you will not force a relationship with him, because he has to WANT to be there
Do you look at marriage as a friendship of two individuals who care and respect eachother? He needs to understand that.
If he isn't wanting to spend any time with you for vacationing or anything, and isn't interested in "cutting the cord" with the girls, then you must be honest with yourself: are you able to move on with your life and have the guts to pull the plug?
You do not deserve to be a doormat or to be a warm body to !@#$ if you happen to be around if he's in the mood.
Get your game face on.
You both must want to be in a commited relationship with eachother for this to work.
Discuss bounderies.
And if he's dragging his feet, then pack your bags. There is someone out there that is more decisive and is more willing to work with you. No need to explain it over and over or get totally upset: the facts are there in your corner.
I know this is not as easy as writing this on a messageboard. But I see no reason to not get this out on the table and dealt with, because the summary of all this is not adding up to be in his favor.
Red flags? Heck, there's a neon sign over her house saying, "Danger!" that even google earth can see.
One question: is he worth the effort in trying to win back (and did you really push him away)?
Ask him, straight up, if he wants to be your husband or not.
Fess up to your share: if you have neglected him and made EVERYTHING about school, then own it and apologize for it. I'm sure you had the conversation about how tough it would be before entering school, but reminding him that "this is what we discussed."
Second of all, if these females have no interest in you, and are distant, maybe he's ragging on you so they'll give him sympathy. THIS ISN'T ABOUT BEING INSECURE, this is about being HONEST with what the heaps of circumstantial evidence is illustrating.
Secondly, he needs to know that you cannot control him, and that is the way it is, butif he wants to be in a relationship with you, then here are the terms and conditions:
-going out with female friends? Not okay. Not ever. Unless you are there and they are also YOUR friends. If it's a big deal, then there is a big problem, and it doesn't start with you.
-you will not force a relationship with him, because he has to WANT to be there
Do you look at marriage as a friendship of two individuals who care and respect eachother? He needs to understand that.
If he isn't wanting to spend any time with you for vacationing or anything, and isn't interested in "cutting the cord" with the girls, then you must be honest with yourself: are you able to move on with your life and have the guts to pull the plug?
You do not deserve to be a doormat or to be a warm body to !@#$ if you happen to be around if he's in the mood.
Get your game face on.
You both must want to be in a commited relationship with eachother for this to work.
Discuss bounderies.
And if he's dragging his feet, then pack your bags. There is someone out there that is more decisive and is more willing to work with you. No need to explain it over and over or get totally upset: the facts are there in your corner.
I know this is not as easy as writing this on a messageboard. But I see no reason to not get this out on the table and dealt with, because the summary of all this is not adding up to be in his favor.
Be strong, you deserve it.
Buddiage, what an EXCELLENT response! This is so right-on, I nominate this for a BEST POST award! :cheers:
i think that the title of your thread is the answer...marriage is toast...people who live together and spend their time away from each other are roommates not husband and wife
you need to move on if you are really serious about moving to calif do it now
you have a rough time ahead of you what with adapting to being w/o him and going on to school but you have what it takes
Just to clarify, my husband and I have discussed this at length. I am taking any statements on this thread with a grain...no, a shaker... of salt. It's always nice to have outside, third-party, objective opinions. No one here other than me has a dog in this fight, and ultimately, it's my responsibility to take any action or not. I can heed the advice or leave it, so to say.
And is not counselling "asking strangers for help in my marriage"? Not quite the same thing, but still. I'm glad you have a great marriage. I'm happy for ya, really.
But thanks for the opinion.
DON'T FEEL BAD FOR ASKING FOR OTHER POINTS OF VIEW. THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE ARE FOR.
I also did nursing school and work full time. It's rough. Of course, I wasn't married. (Still not unfortunately.) But I do believe that if your husband really loves you and supports you, he would be more understanding that you've finally reached your dream. He wouldn't be off with his "girlfriends" all the time. You and he may want to think about marriage counseling before ending it all together, but I wonder where his priorities lie. I mean, you did this not only for yourself, but I'm sure to help out with the finances at home. Now he doesn't have to worry about making the bills every month because you'll ALWAYS have a job unless you choose not to. Maybe it's true that he does feel a bit more insecure that you don't depend on him in every waking moment of the day now, but he needs to get over that quickly if that's true. A marraige (sp?) is about compromise (or so I hear) and you guys have to work it out with what both of you are willing to give and receive from this beneficial change in your lives. Yes, he may have felt neglected while you were off at school or at work, but now is the time to fill that hole in the relationship. You will no longer have to be away from him for so long unless you choose to work extra hours. I think maybe a few more months of "trying it out" might help. But hey, that's just the advice of a 28 yr old single woman. lol. I'm not in your life, but I really hope it works out for you.
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
whether or not your husband is having sex with these three women, he's cheating. he's talking to them on the phone each and every day, even allowing it to interrupt your scarce and precious time together. he's taking late night phone calls, and he's ignoring you (or throwing your friendship with pete in your face) when you tell him it bothers you. furthermore, these women are treating you badly. would you continue a friendship with someone that treated your husband badly? so why is he continuing a frienship with someone who treats you badly?
both of you need to want to be married, and it sounds to me as if your husband is acting as though he doesn't want to be. i'd call him on it. get yourselves into counseling, and if he won't go, go alone. use this time while he's off fishing with the guys to think about what you really want out of marriage (not just the least you'll settle for). and then figure out how you can get what you want. if your husband won't contribute, maybe it's time to move on.
good luck with all of this. i'm thinking you probably wanted to hear that you could put your marriage back on track all by yourself. unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. your husband has to do his share, and if he won't do it, then you can't make it work.
ruby, who had a similar situation and ended up divorced. twice. some of us are slow learners!
Specializes in Happily semi-retired; excited for the whole whammy.
whether or not your husband is having sex with these three women, he's cheating. he's talking to them on the phone each and every day, even allowing it to interrupt your scarce and precious time together. he's taking late night phone calls, and he's ignoring you (or throwing your friendship with pete in your face) when you tell him it bothers you. furthermore, these women are treating you badly. would you continue a friendship with someone that treated your husband badly? so why is he continuing a frienship with someone who treats you badly?
both of you need to want to be married, and it sounds to me as if your husband is acting as though he doesn't want to be. i'd call him on it. get yourselves into counseling, and if he won't go, go alone. use this time while he's off fishing with the guys to think about what you really want out of marriage (not just the least you'll settle for). and then figure out how you can get what you want. if your husband won't contribute, maybe it's time to move on.
good luck with all of this. i'm thinking you probably wanted to hear that you could put your marriage back on track all by yourself. unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. your husband has to do his share, and if he won't do it, then you can't make it work.
ruby, who had a similar situation and ended up divorced. twice. some of us are slow learners!
I finished my last day of exams for RPN school on Friday. I did very well. My final average was 86. Even though it's only my RPN, it took me over three years - I did it part time while working as a PSW (our version of the CNA). It's been backbreaking. CNA work was hell and while I now have a very nice CNA job I've done some hellish ones. Previous to this I worked in an office, a nice comfy job that I was laid off from over two years ago...since I was already attending Nursing school, I took the CNA work as a means to an end.
So anyway...I have graduated, have a temporary licence, and have a new job that I start on June 12th. I should be ecstatic. I should be thrilled. I should be looking forward to starting the RN bridging program in the fall... we all know that RN's have more opportunities I don't feel the RPN was a waste of time. It was what I needed for the time being.
Now...my husband. He has been very supportive of my schooling. We share expenses, but he has chipped in for some of my costs especially food etc. when things were tight for me. He earns a good living, but not enough for both of us...we live in Toronto, a very expensive city to exist in. It has been a struggle. I have graduated with debt from a student loan.
We were married four years ago this June. We have known each other since high school, when we dated. We broke up after college (the first time around) and then each got engaged to other people, both called it off (unbeknownst to the two of us!) and then met up again and rekindled our relationship. We lived together for 8 years before marrying. For all of the years before my marriage, I worked in an office.
Now the problem....my husband has a group of friends who happen to be girls. They have been his friends for years, since his breakup with his ex-fiance. This has never, ever been a problem, and since I myself have a best friend who is a guy, I can never hold this against him. I am not friends with them - they mostly ignore me when they are around, and I so wish that this bothered him - because it bothers me! Anyway. I have never felt threatened by them. Never. Just as I would never ever betray my husbands trust with my male best friend (plus...ewww...ick....we've known each other since we were four!!! :)) I sincerely, honestly, believe he would never do anything with them.
However - while I've been working 60 hour weeks with work and school, his friendship with them has expanded - so much so that he speaks to one of them (they are three sisters) on the phone each and every day. In the car. At home. While we are shopping. Late at night. Once, we had a HUUUUUUUGE fight because one of them called at 3AM to tell him to "go outside and see the northern lights" because he's a nature nut. I FREAKED because I had a 7AM clinical and had worked til 11PM the night before in the nursing home. He did not see the problem with this.
But the be-all, end-all for me this year...sigh. He gets three weeks vacation. He has booked all of it. Wanna know how much he'll spend with me???? ZIPPO. Not one day. Not one iota has been allocated to spending time with me. He has factored in a fishing trip (which he is on right now), hunting, an August long weekend to visit his dad...and more hunting in the fall. I was livid.... and hurt! His defence? "Well, you are starting a new job, and won't have vacation time". My response? The new job is part-time because all nursing jobs in Ontario are part-time which means I can take a few days here and there.
My most favourite place in the world is California. I dream of getting my RN and moving there. I visit once a year, with my mom. This year, I've been begging my husband to come with me. He won't go. Why? Because there's nothing there that interests him. I've begged, pleaded, offered to pay, nothing. He won't go. But last month I finally got him to agree to go for a weekend in September - he was to use one vacation day for it. When I explained it was an awfully long plane ride for two days, and one more day would be great, he lost it and yelled "I've already given you two days, and used one vacation day!!! I have no more time off!!!!!". I dropped the subject and it hasn't been mentioned again.
He says he loves me. He can be very loving. And I do love him. But I'm sitting here alone while he sits in a boat fishing with his dad and brother and I'm wondering why if he loves me he won't spend any time with me. I have accused him of loving those girls more than me, he gets very exasperated and claims that they are more like sisters and that he would no more sleep with one of them than I would with my friend Pete, so that shuts me up...I can't argue with that.
I love him but instead of celebrating my finishing nursing school and being happy about my future I am worried for it. So sorry to be so wordy - but I'm at my wits end here. Any suggestions?
Hello. I just have a few questions for you. Why did you marry a man who can not support you? Why would you be shacking up with a man for 8 years before marriage? You knew that he had these friends who were girls before you got together. Why would you want to be with a man like this? What are his good qualities? are there any? I am not trying to be mean to you by any means, but this man is not for you. So why would you marry someone like this. He only wants you for convenience. He has no respect for you. I wouldn't dare go on vacation without my wife. Not because she thinks I would cheat or do something wrong, but I could not be without my love for more than a day. HE HAS NO RESPECT FOR YOU OR YOUR MARRIAGE. And as you asked for suggestions:::: I think you should cut your loss before you use up any more time in your life.
I don't feel the RPN was a waste of time. It was what I needed for the time being. .thumb.jpg.6eeb2c01c27cfd151d706238b7f6d6b7.jpg){kind=small}
:cheers:
Sheesh, thanks.
buddiage
378 Posts
Red flags? Heck, there's a neon sign over her house saying, "Danger!" that even google earth can see.
One question: is he worth the effort in trying to win back (and did you really push him away)?
Ask him, straight up, if he wants to be your husband or not.
Fess up to your share: if you have neglected him and made EVERYTHING about school, then own it and apologize for it. I'm sure you had the conversation about how tough it would be before entering school, but reminding him that "this is what we discussed."
Second of all, if these females have no interest in you, and are distant, maybe he's ragging on you so they'll give him sympathy. THIS ISN'T ABOUT BEING INSECURE, this is about being HONEST with what the heaps of circumstantial evidence is illustrating.
Secondly, he needs to know that you cannot control him, and that is the way it is, but if he wants to be in a relationship with you, then here are the terms and conditions:
-going out with female friends? Not okay. Not ever. Unless you are there and they are also YOUR friends. If it's a big deal, then there is a big problem, and it doesn't start with you.
-you will not force a relationship with him, because he has to WANT to be there
Do you look at marriage as a friendship of two individuals who care and respect eachother? He needs to understand that.
If he isn't wanting to spend any time with you for vacationing or anything, and isn't interested in "cutting the cord" with the girls, then you must be honest with yourself: are you able to move on with your life and have the guts to pull the plug?
You do not deserve to be a doormat or to be a warm body to !@#$ if you happen to be around if he's in the mood.
Get your game face on.
You both must want to be in a commited relationship with eachother for this to work.
Discuss bounderies.
And if he's dragging his feet, then pack your bags. There is someone out there that is more decisive and is more willing to work with you. No need to explain it over and over or get totally upset: the facts are there in your corner.
I know this is not as easy as writing this on a messageboard. But I see no reason to not get this out on the table and dealt with, because the summary of all this is not adding up to be in his favor.
Be strong, you deserve it.