I finished my last day of exams for RPN school on Friday. I did very well. My final average was 86. Even though it's only my RPN, it took me over three years - I did it part time while working as a PSW (our version of the CNA). It's been backbreaking. CNA work was hell and while I now have a very nice CNA job I've done some hellish ones. Previous to this I worked in an office, a nice comfy job that I was laid off from over two years ago...since I was already attending Nursing school, I took the CNA work as a means to an end.
So anyway...I have graduated, have a temporary licence, and have a new job that I start on June 12th. I should be ecstatic. I should be thrilled. I should be looking forward to starting the RN bridging program in the fall... we all know that RN's have more opportunities I don't feel the RPN was a waste of time. It was what I needed for the time being.
Now...my husband. He has been very supportive of my schooling. We share expenses, but he has chipped in for some of my costs especially food etc. when things were tight for me. He earns a good living, but not enough for both of us...we live in Toronto, a very expensive city to exist in. It has been a struggle. I have graduated with debt from a student loan.
We were married four years ago this June. We have known each other since high school, when we dated. We broke up after college (the first time around) and then each got engaged to other people, both called it off (unbeknownst to the two of us!) and then met up again and rekindled our relationship. We lived together for 8 years before marrying. For all of the years before my marriage, I worked in an office.
Now the problem....my husband has a group of friends who happen to be girls. They have been his friends for years, since his breakup with his ex-fiance. This has never, ever been a problem, and since I myself have a best friend who is a guy, I can never hold this against him. I am not friends with them - they mostly ignore me when they are around, and I so wish that this bothered him - because it bothers me! Anyway. I have never felt threatened by them. Never. Just as I would never ever betray my husbands trust with my male best friend (plus...ewww...ick....we've known each other since we were four!!! :)) I sincerely, honestly, believe he would never do anything with them.
However - while I've been working 60 hour weeks with work and school, his friendship with them has expanded - so much so that he speaks to one of them (they are three sisters) on the phone each and every day. In the car. At home. While we are shopping. Late at night. Once, we had a HUUUUUUUGE fight because one of them called at 3AM to tell him to "go outside and see the northern lights" because he's a nature nut. I FREAKED because I had a 7AM clinical and had worked til 11PM the night before in the nursing home. He did not see the problem with this.
But the be-all, end-all for me this year...sigh. He gets three weeks vacation. He has booked all of it. Wanna know how much he'll spend with me???? ZIPPO. Not one day. Not one iota has been allocated to spending time with me. He has factored in a fishing trip (which he is on right now), hunting, an August long weekend to visit his dad...and more hunting in the fall. I was livid.... and hurt! His defence? "Well, you are starting a new job, and won't have vacation time". My response? The new job is part-time because all nursing jobs in Ontario are part-time which means I can take a few days here and there.
My most favourite place in the world is California. I dream of getting my RN and moving there. I visit once a year, with my mom. This year, I've been begging my husband to come with me. He won't go. Why? Because there's nothing there that interests him. I've begged, pleaded, offered to pay, nothing. He won't go. But last month I finally got him to agree to go for a weekend in September - he was to use one vacation day for it. When I explained it was an awfully long plane ride for two days, and one more day would be great, he lost it and yelled "I've already given you two days, and used one vacation day!!! I have no more time off!!!!!". I dropped the subject and it hasn't been mentioned again.
He says he loves me. He can be very loving. And I do love him. But I'm sitting here alone while he sits in a boat fishing with his dad and brother and I'm wondering why if he loves me he won't spend any time with me. I have accused him of loving those girls more than me, he gets very exasperated and claims that they are more like sisters and that he would no more sleep with one of them than I would with my friend Pete, so that shuts me up...I can't argue with that.
I love him but instead of celebrating my finishing nursing school and being happy about my future I am worried for it. So sorry to be so wordy - but I'm at my wits end here. Any suggestions?
You've misinterpreted my post. I'm not saying you should be at his beck and call, or that you weren't fulfilling your "womanly duties" or whathaveyou. And I'm not sayihg you didn't do the right thing for yourself at the time, or that you shouldn't have taken on so much of a burden over the past couple years.
All I am saying is that the past couple years could have put a strain on the relationship and on him, and that you should put some more effort into working on returning the relationship to it's former state. It won't happen overnight, but so long as he isn't cheating on you (and if he were you should leave him immediately), there is plenty of chance to save the relationship.
As far as housework is concerned, did you ever discuss this with him? Or did you begrudgingly take up all those duties while muttering under your breath about what he -should- be doing? Having a dialogue about the issue might help wonders... Or then again you might find out he was just looking for someone to replace his mommy.
In any event, if you want to save the relationship, and think it's worth saving, you have to work at it. If you don't think it's worth it, then leave. Nursing/Medical school can do this to a lot of relationships... Perhaps now that you've finished you need to take a step back and reevaluate things.
For those who say I haven't made him a priority in my life, and that I've been spending oodles of time on ME, the whole reason I (a) went to school full-time and (b) worked the rest of my waking hours was at his insistence. He insisted he would pick up some slack around the house. We don't have children, but he does nothing in regards to housework, unless you count his laundry, which he only does because he'd have nothing to wear otherwise. He never dusts, cleans, vacuums. He did help me qualify for a student loan.
All I am saying is that the past couple years could have put a strain on the relationship and on him, and that you should put some more effort into working on returning the relationship to it's former state. It won't happen overnight, but so long as he isn't cheating on you (and if he were you should leave him immediately), there is plenty of chance to save the relationship.
Just how much of this responsibility does HE have to bear? Is he too stupid to realize that they need some time ALONE together, or is he just unwilling?
How did this situation somehow become her fault, when he played such a big role in creating it?
Maybe you should put off furthering your education, be happy with where you are at and let him consume your time, your thoughts, your focus.
Put off your education?? Absolutely not!:angryfire This has got to be one of the most absurd comments ever made on this board. If the man is not man enough to handle his woman educating herself and making herself more independant, then oh well. Since when did men require such gentle and tender treatment? He can't handle you doing better for yourself and your family??
be happy with where you are at
Be happy with where she is? That would be alone, because he's on vacation without her.
To the OP, Congrats on your achievements!:balloons:
Thank you Angie O'Plasty, for reading for comprehension :yelclap:
We have discussed the housework plenty - til I'm blue in the face. He readily admits he does not care that the house is a sty. I am tired of arguing and begging and pleading, so I have taken the "box it up and hide it" approach. His workbench is in our pantry, a small room off our kitchen. He used to keep it very clean and orderly. The last year it looks like Katrina went through. The kicker today was when I tried to move something and one of his VERY SHARP hunting knives got me, a small cut but I was furious. So now all of the mess is very neatly hidden in two banker's boxes, on top of the bench. He may be angry when he returns. I don't care. I begged him to take his turn...well, any turn, I do it all the time...to clean the bathroom before he went. He did the tub. Then he got a head cold, lounged around on the sofa on Nyquil for four days, and left on his fishing trip with the 409 still sitting at the edge of the sink.
And I have no such thoughts as to put off my education. I AM continuing on to my RN. For one, because there is so much more opportunity and portability (which is frustrating, because here in Ontario RPN's do almost as much as the RN's skill-wise, for much less pay and much less respect). Also, because I want to be independent. YES, I certainly want my marriage to work and have no thoughts of abandoning it for the time being. But my mom was a single mother left with no means of supporting herself when I was nine - I don't want to be in that position. Ever. What if I don't go on for my RN, the marriage ultimately doesn't work out, and I have nothing but my lower-paying RPN position?
I do not think that my furthering my education will be a breaking point in this marriage. If it is, well then, we have much further, deeper problems at the root.
And you're right, CardiacRN1006, I'm sitting here alone, fixing dinner alone, watching tv - alone, because he's out bobbing around on some lake somewhere.
On the upside, I imagine he's very cold and wet. It's been raining here for three days
the telling thing to me is that he blew up at the idea of spending ONE MORE DAY OF HIS VACATION WITH YOU. What sort of husband does that? He has to meet you half way. You can't be suzy homemaker from 1950 taking care of your man and all his needs at the expense of your own. Yeah marriages may have stayed together back then... but then again Valium was a commonly prescribed drug for a lot of these houeswives too. Wonder why it was needed? Hmm....
By the way, is there any possibility of you getting to befriend his 3 girl friends? Maybe invite them to go to a movie with you and dinner and get to know them. This may accomplish a few things. You may actually make friends with them and you and hubby can then hang out together as a group comfortably, or you can judge by their behavior and conversation just what is going on with the 4 of them. It also might take aways some of the "fun" of having 3 close girl friends for your hubby.
thank you angie o'plasty, for reading for comprehension :yelclap:
awww... thanks. :imbar
if it was me, i'd probably dump the clod, but that's not advice, that's just me talking. because you should be celebrating your victory, not worrying about your marriage.
Thanks SMK1. I've really tried to be their friends...many many years ago, when there wasn't even that much conflict between my husband and I over them.
I invited them to parties. They sat in a corner, talking amongst themselves, walking right by me not even making eye contact. I really tried. At first, I was really hurt. Even my sister (who is a psychologist and was also a guest at the parties) remarked to me "wow...are they ever rude and bitchy". My husband has remarked on several occasions that he wishes we could be friends. When I say I've tried, I don't understand why they don't like me, he just shrugs his shoulders and says "you're different people, different interests". Which is completely true. They like different music, have different tastes - one of them is into Goth music, wears all black and legally changed her name to Darcy, after the bass player from the band The Smashing Pumpkins. My response was "what kind of 30 year old DOES THAT????". She is the one who called at 3AM, and the one I like the least. Another is a lawyer, slightly less flakey. The third, whom I get along with the best, is a child care worker with two toddlers. We went to their wedding, had a good time, hubby was very attentive to me there, which surprised me...but it may be because I'd threatened that if he left me in the corner I would re-arrange some of his anatomy :angryfire;). But we aren't friends, and I don't think ever will be. The Goth one in particular is on my hate list. I can't help it. As far as I'm concerned, she is interfering with my marriage - how can I get over that?
At my wedding, they were civil to me and spoke to me. But there ain't no warm and fuzziness going on, and I think we're well past that.
I guess my biggest hurt is that they can treat me very poorly and my husband doesn't seem to mind. I've asked him...aren't I supposed to come first? And his response is you do. But actions speak louder than words, and I don't see it.
i know i should be over the moon, instead i'm sitting here worrying about my future and what's going to become of me and of us and whether he even cares. i should be throwing confetti and a party and....i'm not.
did i mention i also got a job? he doesn't even know yet...because he's out drowning in the rain on some lake.
but i got a job. it's not ideal, long term care, but a friend works there and likes it and it will see me through until my rn is done. i think. for the summer, i'm going to just work work work and try to pay down the student loan to get out of debt and do some horseback riding...i teach horseback riding on the side and may do some more of that, just to get outside and breathe some air.
many thanks!
edited to add that maybe i should ride less and concentrate more on making my man happy lol even though he will be out and about in his boat and driving those annoying chicks to wherever it is that they need to go.....
I have also found that some spouses(not all) get extremely threatened when their partner is educating themselves. Your problem is not uncommon-a lot of relationships disintegrate during nursing school. I think its because the person that is in school starts gaining confidence, independence etc and the other person can't handle it. You notice I didn't confine my comments only to guys because I have seen this happen to guys in my class who have controlling wives. What it comes down to is this. We all have our bad days but when someone starts showing a pattern of disrespecting you, there is a definite problem. These women are rude to you and he gets mad at you for being upset? Please. I'm all for counseling but sometimes that doesn't work...Don't let him ruin your happy news-it already sounds like he's done quite a bit of damage, don't give him more power to hurt you. Congrats on your graduation and new job!!!:balloons:
I have also found that some spouses(not all) get extremely threatened when their partner is educating themselves.
This is so true in my case. I started going back to school for nursing over 10 years ago, and had to take a break when child #4 came along. When I resumed my studies, very part-time I should add, just one course a semester, I was accused of "going to nursing school so I could leave him and find a rich doctor".
Yeah, I'm going to be $50K in debt when I graduate, spending countless hours and days and weekends studying and being absent from some of my kids special events and sports, so I can find a man???? Puh-lease!
Yes, I'm now divorced, no man and no interest in looking, with one year left of nursing school.
As much as we may want to salvage something, you can't change the other person. Unfortunately, it sounds like he is not willing to change, and expects her to do it all.
Probably an irrelevant question, but I wonder if he has any male friends. Close ones, or is it just the 3 sisters? The fact they the women have no interest in the woman their best friend is married to, I think is very odd, bordering on suspicious.
"The fact that the women have no interest in the woman that their best friend is married to, I think is very odd, bordering on suspicious."
I was thinking the same thing. I would bet that he complains to them about her and that is the reason that they dislike her.
I know what its like my EX husband must be her hubbys long lost twin. I swear that they sound exactly alike. After 10 years I finally decided that I had had enough of the crap. I didn't want a room mate. I wanted a husband.
I don't feel the RPN was a waste of time. It was what I needed for the time being. .thumb.jpg.6eeb2c01c27cfd151d706238b7f6d6b7.jpg){kind=small}
UM Review RN, ASN, RN
1 Article; 5,163 Posts
She answered all that in a previous post.