I finished my last day of exams for RPN school on Friday. I did very well. My final average was 86. Even though it's only my RPN, it took me over three years - I did it part time while working as a PSW (our version of the CNA). It's been backbreaking. CNA work was hell and while I now have a very nice CNA job I've done some hellish ones. Previous to this I worked in an office, a nice comfy job that I was laid off from over two years ago...since I was already attending Nursing school, I took the CNA work as a means to an end.
So anyway...I have graduated, have a temporary licence, and have a new job that I start on June 12th. I should be ecstatic. I should be thrilled. I should be looking forward to starting the RN bridging program in the fall... we all know that RN's have more opportunities I don't feel the RPN was a waste of time. It was what I needed for the time being.
Now...my husband. He has been very supportive of my schooling. We share expenses, but he has chipped in for some of my costs especially food etc. when things were tight for me. He earns a good living, but not enough for both of us...we live in Toronto, a very expensive city to exist in. It has been a struggle. I have graduated with debt from a student loan.
We were married four years ago this June. We have known each other since high school, when we dated. We broke up after college (the first time around) and then each got engaged to other people, both called it off (unbeknownst to the two of us!) and then met up again and rekindled our relationship. We lived together for 8 years before marrying. For all of the years before my marriage, I worked in an office.
Now the problem....my husband has a group of friends who happen to be girls. They have been his friends for years, since his breakup with his ex-fiance. This has never, ever been a problem, and since I myself have a best friend who is a guy, I can never hold this against him. I am not friends with them - they mostly ignore me when they are around, and I so wish that this bothered him - because it bothers me! Anyway. I have never felt threatened by them. Never. Just as I would never ever betray my husbands trust with my male best friend (plus...ewww...ick....we've known each other since we were four!!! :)) I sincerely, honestly, believe he would never do anything with them.
However - while I've been working 60 hour weeks with work and school, his friendship with them has expanded - so much so that he speaks to one of them (they are three sisters) on the phone each and every day. In the car. At home. While we are shopping. Late at night. Once, we had a HUUUUUUUGE fight because one of them called at 3AM to tell him to "go outside and see the northern lights" because he's a nature nut. I FREAKED because I had a 7AM clinical and had worked til 11PM the night before in the nursing home. He did not see the problem with this.
But the be-all, end-all for me this year...sigh. He gets three weeks vacation. He has booked all of it. Wanna know how much he'll spend with me???? ZIPPO. Not one day. Not one iota has been allocated to spending time with me. He has factored in a fishing trip (which he is on right now), hunting, an August long weekend to visit his dad...and more hunting in the fall. I was livid.... and hurt! His defence? "Well, you are starting a new job, and won't have vacation time". My response? The new job is part-time because all nursing jobs in Ontario are part-time which means I can take a few days here and there.
My most favourite place in the world is California. I dream of getting my RN and moving there. I visit once a year, with my mom. This year, I've been begging my husband to come with me. He won't go. Why? Because there's nothing there that interests him. I've begged, pleaded, offered to pay, nothing. He won't go. But last month I finally got him to agree to go for a weekend in September - he was to use one vacation day for it. When I explained it was an awfully long plane ride for two days, and one more day would be great, he lost it and yelled "I've already given you two days, and used one vacation day!!! I have no more time off!!!!!". I dropped the subject and it hasn't been mentioned again.
He says he loves me. He can be very loving. And I do love him. But I'm sitting here alone while he sits in a boat fishing with his dad and brother and I'm wondering why if he loves me he won't spend any time with me. I have accused him of loving those girls more than me, he gets very exasperated and claims that they are more like sisters and that he would no more sleep with one of them than I would with my friend Pete, so that shuts me up...I can't argue with that.
I love him but instead of celebrating my finishing nursing school and being happy about my future I am worried for it. So sorry to be so wordy - but I'm at my wits end here. Any suggestions?
He's probably used to doing things on his own by now, but the fact that you're finished with school and he's booked all his free time is not a good thing.
Part of the problem is that you had expectations and presumptions about what he would do with his time off. Many times without communication our expectations and presumptions turn out not to be true. Especially if in the past his spending time with his friends was not a problem to you. Perhaps if you had communicated ahead of time "when you have all this time off, could we spend my days off together?".
Specializes in Med/Surge, Psych, LTC, Home Health.
Ick. I don't really have much to say about your situation right now, Gaelic (having just woken up and all), but I feel for you, somewhat. One of my best friends is a guy; my husband has had girlfriends... it has all caused problems in our marriage from time to time.
Sounds like you have been paying A LOT of attention to yourself and NO attention to your husband. If you want him to make you a priority, then you have to make him a priority first.
He has sat idlely by while you persue your dreams, sacrificed more than you can imagine. Maybe you should put off furthering your education, be happy with where you are at and let him consume your time, your thoughts, your focus.
We women can so easily put our men aside......if you want to stay married, you've got to change your perspective and focus.
Jessica
What year is this? It's 2006 right? Somehow I feel as though I've been transported through time, I wonder why?
Specializes in Happily semi-retired; excited for the whole whammy.
This is a story for that ''Can This Marriage Be Saved?'' feature in one of the magazines (can't remember which one). I think what it will come down to is whether you both want to save it.
Worship from afar? (He's on a fishing trip, remember?)
Honey, lighten up. It's a marriage, not a religion.
AMEN!
Wow. When did it become a crime to want partnership in a marriage? Yes, you went through nursing school and that's hard on a marriage. Yes, he probably does feel neglected. However......it is not an excuse for cutting you out of his life during 'his' vacation time. It is not the time to think "gee, I should be focusing only on his needs because, poor baby, he NEEDS me to do this and because he hasn't been the total center of my universe for a while I've been a bad wife". It sounds like he's being a spoiled brat and maybe subconsciously (or consciously) trying to 'punish' you for what he perceives to be your disregard of him. In marriage you give and take. I've been in school for a year, and it has been HARD on the marriage because I've relied on my husband to take up a lot of slack with our child and financially. I'm almost done with my program, and I've made it clear to my husband that I think it's time for him to look at what he wants and to go for it. It's only fair that he have a chance to do what he wants to do, too. I really appreciate his support during this odyssey, and I make sure I tell him that often. Would I like to go on and get a Masters Degree? Yes. But I think now it's his time to explore and do some of the things he wants to do.
I liked Matt's answer when i ran this scenario by him: "You don't go to other people and other destinations to solve the problems with the one you're married to."
WHOO-HOO! Good for you for making it through. Be proud of your accomplishments. As far as your hubby goes, I guess you can find a way to show him that he is well appreciated and that you are greatful that he stuck through the struggle with you. A break would be nice for just the two of you. The whole thing with the girls just being "friends" I would be a little leary of that. I can only speak from my own personal life experience, but my ex ran that same line by me and come to find out his friend was a lot more than just someone he talked to occasionally. He did help out for about the first few months of school, but then it changed. I heard the stories and was even told when I started the program that most relationships don't make it with the nursing program. So he left me knowing I wasn't working at the time, for someone who was more on his level. Basically he left me for someone he can still hold some control over. I almost lost my apartment behind him and am now residing at my Aunt's because I am struggling with trying to manage school, work, and an eleven y.o. on my own, plus the bills that have piled up. He had financial control over me and for some reason "thought" that if he took that away I would stop going to school, because I did before and he was happy, but I wasn't. Just don't sell yourself short and be careful.
As a life-long bachelor, I'm keenly aware of a guy's need for some "me time." I appreciate the value of getting away from womenfolk and doing some "guy stuff" from time to time. But this seems extreme, even to me.
I suppose I'm in a poor position to give marital advice, given the above, but are you guys even married? At this point in my life, one night of cheap, meaningless sex is really more of a commitment than I want to make (got to get home, check on the cats,etc.) but when I have been involved with a woman, spending time with her was always near the top of my preferred list of things to do. Going fishing or hanging with my buds might briefly make the top of the list after a time, but not permanently.
Well, I don't know what to tell you. Good luck. I hope things work out for the best, whatever that may be. Marriage counselling doesn't sound like a terrible idea. Then again, what's this Pete's deal? Is he single? Sounds like he's there for you...
I can see both sides of this. My husband spent 6 years getting his PhD (in anopther state). So I developed my own interests and activities to keep busy, which did cause some friction.
How did your husband feel about your going back to school?
Sounds like someloooong, heart-to-hearts are needed.
I don't feel the RPN was a waste of time. It was what I needed for the time being. 
UM Review RN, ASN, RN
1 Article; 5,163 Posts
Worship from afar? (He's on a fishing trip, remember?)
Honey, lighten up. It's a marriage, not a religion.