Doctors Say the Darnedest Things

thevoidbender · May 24, 2017

One of the Anesthesiologists when a 400+ lbs patient came down for an amputation was at the desk and said to us 'Shamoo just swam on it." She is very notorious with us for saying hilariously inappropriate things because she's a few months from retirement.

lasair · May 28, 2017

Was on night duty, did evening vital check on elderly patient - spo2 was low, dropping on O2 and needed transfer. Next morning her consultant asked "why were you checking her vitals anyway, why is she on QDS vitals" turned out she had a growth pressing on her lung

kaycurt777 · Jun 1, 2017

The cardiologist came in to examine a 50 year old women who had done so much cocaine it inevitably led to complete heart failure; while I was showing him her rhythm on the monitor he looked at me and shook his head saying, "You, you do cocaine, its ok, your young, you need energy, she is 50, she cannot handle", I died! For the record I did not take his advice.

DaveICURN · Jan 11, 2018

Pt was diagnosed with pneumothorax. Our Dr. who lived for over half his life in china reports to the Pt that, "You have air in your lungs." pt is 83 y/o, slightly obtunded and is now staring at this doc who essentially said that sky was blue. It was made even better by,"we are going to put a tube in and pull out the air." and then left the room. Pt is staring at me like someone just killed his dog. I explained, in my best Okie way, that he had pnumo and we would be placing a chest tube.

Oh how the lives we save aren't even the Pt sometimes.

Have Nurse, ADN, RN · Mar 30, 2018

Me: Dr I've given the patient Tylenol as ordered and an hour later temp is still 102.9. It's too soon for Motrin
Dr.: Is your patient covered?
Me: Well he did have a blanket on and socks but I took them off and he now just has a sheet on.
Dr: (laughing hysterically, which is funny because he is elderly and serious all of the time) No!! Is your patient covered by antibiotics!!

I love this!! LOL

Have Nurse, ADN, RN · Mar 30, 2018

Way back in 1993 I was only about 1 year out of nursing school. I had previously spent 17 years working in the hospital security department. Due to staffing levels the hospital could not hire me as a nurse. I was working 2-3 days per week in the ER at another hospital. My other 2 or 3 days I would go back and do my shift in security at my original hospital to make ends meet. One day I heard there was a code in the ER. There was concurrently two others going on at the exact same time. One other in ER and one in the cath lab. Since I was near the ER I stopped to check if assistance was needed. As I entered the new resident was shaking stated he's dead. He really had not checked out the client yet. I made him start compressions while a tech bagged and I cut the client's clothing off and proceeded to hook up an EKG. I then started an 18 gauge in both AC's. Keep in mind I was wearing a full police uniform with night stick and pistol. We eventually stablized the patient and I hear WOW they really cross train you security to handle everything. ER head nurse hired me on the spot and it was my last day working security.

FABULOUS!!!

missmollie, ADN, BSN, RN · Mar 30, 2018

Had a doctor offer his hand when introducing himself...to a quadriplegic.

sevensonnets · Mar 31, 2018

My friend chased the pulmonologist, who seemed to be in a very big hurry, down the hall, yelling Dr. C, please come back, I have a problem! He finally slowed down and says, "So do I. I'll solve your problem after I solve mine." Then he went in the men's room. And she stood there and waited for him!!

Davey Do · Mar 31, 2018

Had a doctor offer his hand when introducing himself...to a quadriplegic.

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Long Term Care Columnist / Guide · Apr 1, 2018

When my youngest son was a baby, he got RSV and had to be admitted to the hospital. As he was a roly-poly little thing, he was a hard stick and nurse after nurse tried to get an IV in. Finally they called the pediatrician in to start the line. Fortunately, it was his own doctor, a lady I absolutely loved because she was smart, sassy, and wildly sarcastic under the right circumstances. She proceeded to insert the IV and got it in on her first try...then got all tangled up in the tape. I had to help her get undone, whereupon she looked at me and deadpanned, "Tape is our friend".

tiddles · Apr 1, 2018

Assisting a pediatrician with a circumcision, the baby's grandmother present. The doctor takes the foreskin and puts it in his shirt pocket. Grandmother and I exchange a look - he says "I use it for bait when I go fishing". He actually left with it still in his pocket and to this day I don't know if he was joking or not.

tiddles · Apr 1, 2018

Small town ER doc on night shift - "If we hang a bag of vicodin outside the door, do you think they'll let me get some sleep tonight?