This community is godsend. I signed up because my life is falling apart. Has anyone's nursing career cost them their marriage? I'm 37 and was married for 5 years before my husband filed for divorce because of my job. I've been a med surg nurse for 14 years.
I should've seen this coming. When we first moved in, he didn't get why I was so tired when I got home. Why I just wanted to sleep. Why I was to tired to run errands. He thought nurses just follow doctors orders like giving meds, and that our main role was hospitality to get patients and their families whatever they wanted. This pissed me off, so I asked my non healthcare friends what we do, and they sadly gave similar answers. Anyway, a few months into our marriage, my husband got laid off.After 9 months of unemployment we agreed he'd get his LPN, and then get his RN.
He learned that we are not a doctor's ***** and are not servants to patients and their families. Unfortunately he learned it's actually a physical and busy job. About a year and a half ago, I started having upper back and shoulder pain. Before this I had minor aches and pains after shifts but was otherwise healthy, so I ignored it until it became worse. The doctor said I had spondylosis and degenerative disc disease, which built up over time. The doctor couldn't confirm but did say most likely this came from the demands of nursing. My husband was with me at the appointment, and the doctor said in his expertise nurses are notorious for having early arthritis and early disc disease and other bony changes. My husband demanded I find a new job but I refused b/c I like what I do. Not everyone can go through the intense schooling we do or take being a nurse. My ex husband said that nursing wore him out. The job left him with physical pain in his feet and knees, and the stress from the job affected his mentality. Its true that we have higher rates of mental health problems probably from job stress and things we see, but we get to save lives. He hated how coworkers looked down on him for taking breaks and using the bathroom frequently because he placed himself before patients. He's since quit. I just think he wasn't fit for nursing. I agree that we work in horrible conditions, we have horrible workloads, we're overworked, we're understaffed, we're under appreciated, management cares less about us, and its bad for our health, but I love my coworkers and I've known nothing but working in med-surg. Anyway, once I started having pain, I had more aches and pains in other areas, and my husband and I started arguing alot more. Finally he said if I remained at my job he would leave me. I never thought he would. We love each other, we really do, so should I quit my job to be with him? What would you guys do?
If you've been married for 5 years and he is filing for divorce over your job your problems go deeper than any advice here will help.
Have you even considered counseling? Both as a couple and individually.
From your description it sounds like this job is causing you physical problems and your unwillingness to at least explore your options is only going to result in more problems going forward. You are only 37, what will you do when you find you just cannot physically function in your current job?
Specializes in Psych, Corrections, Med-Surg, Ambulatory.
You have a job that is sucking the life out of you, but you stick with it because of how it makes you feel about yourself. You married a man who had no clue about what nurses do, until he became one and couldn't cut it. Hard to know from your post if he's controlling or just frustrated watching you fall apart like a cheap watch.
Sounds like you really need to take a big step back from everything. Forget marital counseling for the time-being. You need individual counseling to help you find yourself in all this. Is your identity really that tied up in a job that's killing you? A good counselor should be able to help you clarify some of those things. Then you can decide if your husband really has your best interests or if you just saddled yourself with a man who is as demanding as your job.
You've been travelling on auto-pilot and it's not sustainable. Whether or not you stay with your husband, his ultimatum is a gift if it forces you to re-examine a few things. Good luck and please keep us posted. We've all been there, to various degrees.
Specializes in CCU, SICU, CVSICU, Precepting & Teaching.
You have a job that is sucking the life out of you, but you stick with it because of how it makes you feel about yourself. You married a man who had no clue about what nurses do, until he became one and couldn't cut it. Hard to know from your post if he's controlling or just frustrated watching you fall apart like a cheap watch.
Sounds like you really need to take a big step back from everything. Forget marital counseling for the time-being. You need individual counseling to help you find yourself in all this. Is your identity really that tied up in a job that's killing you? A good counselor should be able to help you clarify some of those things. Then you can decide if your husband really has your best interests or if you just saddled yourself with a man who is as demanding as your job.
You've been travelling on auto-pilot and it's not sustainable. Whether or not you stay with your husband, his ultimatum is a gift if it forces you to re-examine a few things. Good luck and please keep us posted. We've all been there, to various degrees.
I don't know whether the job is the problem, or whether the husband is. It sounds as if the OP doesn't know either. I'd second the recommendation for individual counseling. The OP needs to clarify a number of things, and counseling is probably the best way to do it.
He's not fit for nursing? It's breaking you in half and he refuses to go there, it sounds. And he wants a partner who isn't half dead most of the time.
If I had a husband who could be pursuing other more relationship and self friendly ways to make a living and he was stubbornly refusing to do so yet kept dragging home too tired to engage, I would be considering leaving as well. I don't consider that being a control freak but someone who refuses to share that existence.
He sounds like any other man who is willing to rely on his wife's nursing career to sustain the family unit until it doesn't suit him any longer. Figure out what you need to do for yourself. Do not tie your future actions/inactions on his demands. Live your life for you​.
A good wife will follow the Husbands wishes.......
No, no, no, no.
A good wife works in partnership with her husband to increase the strength of their marriage. A good wife celebrates her husband and joins her wisdom with his to create a solid life together.
A pushover wife who just lays down and does whatever her husband wants is paving the road to a lifetime of shared resentment, misunderstandings, and heartache.
A good wife will follow the Husbands wishes.......
BULL. A good marriage is one in which the husband and wife are equal partners. This takes compromise, sometimes on the part of the husband, sometimes on the part of the wife, and at times, both have to compromise in a given situation to make it work.
This is the 21st century, not the Cretaceous period.
Counseling would help you both realize when is a good time to think about compromise and when to stand your ground.
Maybe he has a harsh way of putting it, but it seems like he sees the toll the job has taken on you and wants you to get a less demanding position. You can be a nurse and have a bit less physical job. Can you at least consider alternatives?
LoveMyBugs, BSN, CNA, RN
1,316 Posts
You say that you both love each other.
Perhaps he does love you and doesn't want to stand by and watch as this job has you become disabled and in pain.
Sounds like he was trying to practice tough love, similar to families of addicts.
When the family reaches the point of they can no longer stand by and watch the addiction kill their family member, they have to let them go.
Nursing is huge and there are other jobs you can do in the field that are less stress on your body
If you want to save your marriage did either of you go to therapy or even work on a compromise?