Divorced due to nursing career?

[seahawksgirlie]

This community is godsend. I signed up because my life is falling apart. Has anyone's nursing career cost them their marriage? I'm 37 and was married for 5 years before my husband filed for divorce because of my job. I've been a med surg nurse for 14 years.

I should've seen this coming. When we first moved in, he didn't get why I was so tired when I got home. Why I just wanted to sleep. Why I was to tired to run errands. He thought nurses just follow doctors orders like giving meds, and that our main role was hospitality to get patients and their families whatever they wanted. This pissed me off, so I asked my non healthcare friends what we do, and they sadly gave similar answers. Anyway, a few months into our marriage, my husband got laid off.After 9 months of unemployment we agreed he'd get his LPN, and then get his RN.

He learned that we are not a doctor's ***** and are not servants to patients and their families. Unfortunately he learned it's actually a physical and busy job. About a year and a half ago, I started having upper back and shoulder pain. Before this I had minor aches and pains after shifts but was otherwise healthy, so I ignored it until it became worse. The doctor said I had spondylosis and degenerative disc disease, which built up over time. The doctor couldn't confirm but did say most likely this came from the demands of nursing. My husband was with me at the appointment, and the doctor said in his expertise nurses are notorious for having early arthritis and early disc disease and other bony changes. My husband demanded I find a new job but I refused b/c I like what I do. Not everyone can go through the intense schooling we do or take being a nurse. My ex husband said that nursing wore him out. The job left him with physical pain in his feet and knees, and the stress from the job affected his mentality. Its true that we have higher rates of mental health problems probably from job stress and things we see, but we get to save lives. He hated how coworkers looked down on him for taking breaks and using the bathroom frequently because he placed himself before patients. He's since quit. I just think he wasn't fit for nursing. I agree that we work in horrible conditions, we have horrible workloads, we're overworked, we're understaffed, we're under appreciated, management cares less about us, and its bad for our health, but I love my coworkers and I've known nothing but working in med-surg. Anyway, once I started having pain, I had more aches and pains in other areas, and my husband and I started arguing alot more. Finally he said if I remained at my job he would leave me. I never thought he would. We love each other, we really do, so should I quit my job to be with him? What would you guys do?

[Wrench Party]

A good wife will follow the Husbands wishes.......

Right, like you expected this comment to really go over well on a predominantly female professional board where the majority of us work out of financial necessity, personal goals, or a combination of the two.

Stop trolling.

[seahawksgirlie]

To clarify things my husband is working at Home Depot as a manager again. His base salary is 70,000 but after cash and stock bonus, and profit and commission sharing he makes over 100,000. So he's not just living off my salary/social security/disability. I think you're all right that I may place to much value on my work and maybe I should explore why this is so.

[MiladyMalarkey, ASN, BSN]

YOU are the only person who truly knows if your marriage is worth fighting for. We can all give you our input, but in the end, we don't really know you, your husband (his true intentions) or can truly understand your situation. You are the only person who can answer the questions that you posed.

I sincerely wish you the best no matter the outcome.

[PeanutButterToast]

You have a received a lot of great advice here and I am sure you will find what you want but what you probably need is beyond anything you can get here and is between you and your husband...because these issues are probably much deeper than a few paragraphs on a forum post can really relate.

But you can't take care of anyone or anything if you are not taking care of yourself first.

[SororAKS, ADN, RN]

Do not quit something you love for anybody.

[SentinelTruth]

Office Nurse for your back :) Or see if there are surgery options for replacing the discs... though you'll probably be crippled for a while in being able to do med surg

[elkpark]

A good wife will follow the Husbands wishes.......

(That was humor, right??)

[hppygr8ful, ASN, RN, EMT-I]

Here's my take on this. You should never do anything just because you spouse tells you to especially if they are using threat of divorc3 to manipulate the situation. Tat being said you actually sound pretty miserable. your job is making you physically and mentally sick. I have faced the same situation some years ago and almost lost my license, marriage and son due to some poor choices I made in the area of poor coping mechanisms.

Through tons of therapy _ I developed a good, life/work balance and saved my life, my career and my marriage. I still work as a nurse and am pursuing a higher degree so I won't have to work so hard. When we are not working we are playing, planting a garden , working on a cabin we purchased going to our son's games and activities. I have numerous musculoskeletal issues from the stress my body in under daily but I will not let my career destroy my body. Please think about what you have written.

Hppy

[Mavrick, BSN, RN]

OK, you know you're getting fly-by-night-psych advice from a former truck driver, right? (as with any poster here, they just won't admit it)

So, it sounds like your job is crippling you but for some reason you find the alternative (quitting that job) unacceptable. Your husband, a man who can completely understand the demands of nursing and tells you to quit, took his own advice and got out. You insist on destroying yourself right in front of his eyes and he's a jerk for not wanting to watch it.

There is something seriously wrong with your marriage in that you present your husband in a demeaning light (demanding and not fit for nursing) to a bunch of strangers, wanting us to advise you to dump him because your job is more important to you.

Wow.

I think you are denying you are in chronic pain (as evidenced by your fatigue and irritability) and not thinking clearly. Your job is actually sucking the joy of life out of you but your fear of change ("I've known nothing but working in med-surg.") has prevented you from seeking the very change you need. Not a new husband but a new job. Your husband is "demanding" you make the decision you needed to make when the demands of your job exceeded your ability to meet them. Is that really such an awful man to stay with?

Nursing is a many faceted career. There are so many ways you can use your 14 years Med-Surg experience without subjecting your body to the punishment of bedside nursing. ("I agree that we work in horrible conditions, we have horrible workloads, we're overworked, we're understaffed, we're under appreciated, management cares less about us, and its bad for our health.")

IV therapy, Endoscopy, Day surgery, Pre-Op. These areas and many others have lovely co-workers too. You really are too young to give up on a healthy life/work balance.

[LPNtoRNin2016OH, LPN]

I can see both opinions on your situation. First off, I would never leave my career for my husband (and he wouldnt ask me too). BUT if my job was TRUELY the root cause of a potential deal breaker for my husband and I was as miserable at my job (as you sound physically), I would. I know many people on here say "Your job shouldn't be your identity" but for me it helped create one. I got into nursing at 19, had no backbone, was meek, and zero confidence. Nursing gave me a voice, confidence that I was finally good at something, and maturity/drive I sorely needed. I am so thankful for that and even when days are REALLY hard at work and school, it's what keeps me going because I truely feel I wouldnt be who I was today (someone I am actually prooud of) if it werent for getting into this field.

That said, it is a good thing to recognize when you have physically met your limits. Just because you leave the hospital doesnt mean you are leaving nursing and all the things that go with it. I hope I get to work in the hospital after graduation but if I end up somewhere else, it doesn't make me an less of a nurse. And you better bet that I will not be doing floor nursing in my ages. I am 28 now and am sore as hell after a shift in LTC. And I am healthy! I cant imagine doing it with your condition. There are SO many other fields to explore that will give you a better balance. I just did a two year stint in occ health, while boring at times, I never worked a weekend or a holiday. I got off EVERY DAY at 5. Crazy right?? Never mandated, never felt like I was going to get fired if I forgot something. Find something easier on your body, you did medsurg for years, you deserve a cushier job.

Your marraige and job are two seperate things unless as I said before you job is truely the root problem here. And that is more of a boundary problem for you if this is case and will require some self reflection. Have you tried therapy? Very benefical if both people are willing.

My nursing career, particuarly nursing school, saved my marraige. We went through a rough time and because I was in school, working PRN, and had three kids, we wouldnt seperate becuase we couldnt afford too. It forced us to work it out and now that I am on the other side, I see how stupid it would have been for us to divorce over our petty issues (things like cheating etc are deal breakers though for me) because we truely love eachother and are bestfriends. But life gets in the way SO much and sways your opnions.

So what I am saying here, is that if you love him and he treats you like he should, then fight for it. Take some reflection time, figure out if its really the job, you, him, or all three.

[martymoose, BSN, RN]

All I can say is I wish you some happiness in your life. You are due it.

Everything you wrote is all the things I wish I had known before embarking on this "profession", although not sure if I would have listened anyhow, as I needed a job, and healthcare is all I can do, and abundantly available where I live.( prev job went to mexico)

I am physically in about the shape you are in( from what you describe)

My spouse does the old "don't like it, leave it "speech when I c/o pain, or the horrible day I had.Then he gets mad when I remind him I floating the health insurance and most of the mtg. I don't argue any more. not worth it.So, I have no one to vent to.

Maybe now you are in a position to go somewhere new- find something more suitable.You are not tied down now.I dont leave as I am tied down- everyone tells me go get a different job- those jobs aren't available or I cant do them d/t the physical limitations. I would HAVE to leave the area,which my family doesnt want to do.

Maybe your ex spouse has opened up a door for you...

[TriciaJ, RN]

To clarify things my husband is working at Home Depot as a manager again. His base salary is 70,000 but after cash and stock bonus, and profit and commission sharing he makes over 100,000. So he's not just living off my salary/social security/disability. I think you're all right that I may place to much value on my work and maybe I should explore why this is so.

If nothing else, money shouldn't be a huge worry while you step back and reevaluate. Time to start taking care of yourself. See how far your husband is willing to go to help and support you. But just from the health problems you are describing, you really need to look into getting off the hamster wheel.