Coworker is Innappropriate

jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B · Aug 7, 2014

I couldn't disagree with you more on this point, jadelpn. The key word here is "professional". Confronting coworkers about their behavior is what professionals do.

We will agree to disagree. I don't get paid enough to confront co-workers regarding their issues. This is what managers get paid to do.

klone, MSN, RN · Aug 8, 2014

I'm sorry if my first post was brusque. I tend to go for brevity, especially when I'm on my phone.

JadeLPN, I just have to say I really disagree with your opinion on this. Any time there is any kind of interpersonal conflict, it's so important to try to address it directly with the person first. It honestly flabbergasts me a little that anyone would disagree with that.

allnurses Guide · Aug 8, 2014

What to do? I have worked in an area for about 6 months and LOVE it. Only problem is a coworker who for some reason is inappropriate to me. When I say inappropriate, I mean she is just plain rude to me. I am not sure what I have ever done to offend her. I do NOT allow her to walk all over me and this seems to escalate the situation. I am not disrespectful. She is about 20-25 years older than myself. She will be fine one minute and quite pleasant and then if you say something that is opposing her views, look out! I am not the type of person to add my 2 cents in when I just feel like it, but if I see a need to chime in on a situation when warranted I will. And this is when she gets upset with me. She has refused to help me when I was training and this is where it seemed to start. So I have put up with this for 6 months now and she will randomly go off at me. She has also made rude comments about how I do not need to get my BSN (when she overheard me asking supervisor about any kind of assistance for BSN programs) because whatever her opinions of not needing it were (which I do not believe she has her BSN). I know that another coworker has experienced dealing with that treatment as well. I feel I shouldn't confront her because I don't think she is going to listen to me at all. I do not think that would be the best move. One of my other coworkers the other day confronted me about how this person was acting toward me and I feel that if its become that bad that its noticeable to others than it needs to be addressed. So I actually discussed with my DON after everyone had left for the day so I could be discreet. I don't like to feel like I am "tattle-tailing" and that is what it feels like. I just told my DON the situations that had occurred and that they seemed to be escalating. My DON actually instructed me that she was happy that that came to discuss with her regarding this matter and to inform her of any future "run-in." Apparently this wasn't the first complaint. I just explained to my DON that I do not deserve to be treated that way and its inappropriate. My DON said she will be watching for behaviors but hard to catch as people change their tune when she is present. She did say I could ask this coworker if I there was something I had done to offend her (next time this happens). I am supposed to report to her the next event. Any advice on handling this situation? I work very closely with this person and I constantly hear this person talking inappropriately about other coworkers and then even our PATIENTS (which really upsets me). I don't feel like "talking it out" with this nurse will be the best decision (just based on the escalations from previous conversations). I just avoid her. What to do? Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!

To be honest I wonder why you are coming and asking for advice on how to handle this when you have in essence, already handled it by going to your DON to report the situation. You've stated right up front that you will not be taking your DON's advice to ask your co-worker if you had done anything to offend her, and that you have rejected the advice given by other members here that you talk to her.

I believe it's possible to read between the lines that your DON was diplomatically telling you to handle it yourself. She gave you excellent advice in that the question puts he focus on you, rather than saying "why are you so inappropriate to me?" The question "have I done anything to offend you?" is anything but confrontational.

You will also notice that she didn't immediately call your co-worker in (as far as we know) but put the onus back on you to report future instances of the behavior.

I think it's better to iron out your differences directly for a chilly atmosphere of tension and avoidance is not a fun way to spend so many hours of your life. Your DON will be relieved and probably hold you in higher esteem for not coming back and dropping it in her lap again. From what you've said all of it could be boiled down to your speaking style and how she perceives your "chiming in" when you see the need. I can tell you from personal experience that building bridges can earn you a strong ally. Yes, there are those crazies who are simply dysfunctional but I still feel it's best to reach out directly.

missnurse89 · Aug 8, 2014

Klone, I appreciate that so much. I also apologize for my comment in response to you. Like I said I am just gonna try and level with her before management gets involved. I actually did let my boss know that I want to try and talk with this coworker first which my boss supported me in. I do appreciate the help. Some comments were a bit uncalled for while others were pretty blunt but the truth hurts sometimes. I think this is a good place to end this thread (at least for myself). I had to remind myself that we are in this profession together and not against one another. Again, thank you to those with words of encouragement and helpful advice. It has been very useful and much appreciated. :)

Trauma Columnist · Aug 8, 2014

We appreciate that you have received quite a bit of advice. As with any situation, you will always get a variety of opinions.

Ruby Vee, BSN · Aug 8, 2014

Perhaps I was being over sensitive. To me it came across in a negative way and maybe wasn't meant that way. Plus this was one of my first posts and just wasn't expecting such boldness. Can you see now why I was taken back by the comment? I hope this helps for you all to better understand me because I am not just a rude stuck up Coworker that I feel people have assumed I am. I am a Christian and try to practice that daily.
Please understand that this is a sensitive situation to me because I love my job so much. This is literally keeping me awake at night trying to figure out the best way to deal with it. I will tell you that I do not antagonize anyone I work with. I go to work. Say good morning greet people with a smile. Try to engage in positive conversations.and avoid the negative. I give respect to earn respect. But I also understand in this profession the importance of having a backbone when necessary or you will have people walk all over you.
I understand not running to the manager for every problem which I do not. I just usually try to keep myself busy so I don't get cornered or put in a position. I just feel so limited in my options which is why I talked to.my DON and why I posted this. I may try to talk to this nurse if I can pick the right timing. If she continues after that though I have no problem with involving management further. I don't want to wrong her and at least if I tell her I feel about how she has been acting toward me she will at least have the opportunity to see it. That way if I have bothered her any way she can tell me.
I'm afraid this is all.gonna go.south but I see what some are saying. I would want someone to try to come.to me first if they had a problem. Maybe she doesn't know. Maybe she does. I don't know. I'll give it a go and praying she will be receptive to it.

Your being a Christian (or not being a Christian) has nothing to do with any of this, and the fact that you would put it in our post as evidence that you are not rude, stuck up or clueless makes me wonder even more if you have ANY idea how you are coming across to your coworkers. The boldness comment makes me wonder, too. Did you do any lurking on this forum before you posted? If you did, and it's just common sense to do so, you should have had an idea about the boldness of some of the responses on here.

You say you do not antagonize anyone at work, but once again, I'm wondering how aware you are of the way you come across. Sometimes, no matter how well-meaning we are, we're annoying. And again, that comment about being a Christian is going to rub a lot of people the wrong way, even at work.

OnlinePersona, LPN · Aug 8, 2014

Have you tried talking to a trusted friend or family member about this? I find asking advice to people on the internet = counterproductive. Whilst you will get advice that is meaningful, more than half the other responses is probably going to frustrate me more. I understand you wanted to get advice from your peers, but after reading the obvious attacks on your character...... you would of been better talking to a rock.

With all that said, this is my opinion. I feel with the tone of your initial post, you did/do feel at the end of your rope with this situation. I myself am learning to use my passive aggressive behaviors to indirectly change my environment. Meaning, I have a few coworkers who feed off drama (whether work or personal) and by the end of the conversation I felt like I was sucked in a deep dark hole of negativity. I started realizing what these people was doing, feeding off me. Whenever I am around them now I put this emotional/energy shield around myself....I tell you its hilarious watching these people feel uncomfortable being around me because of being unable to get their hands on my sanity. Girl take your power back-- no one has the right to have this power over you.

I don't let people bother me, half the time the perceived problem they give us isn't ours in the first place. Its probably their problem they trying to project in you.

suzy12 · Aug 8, 2014

Have you tried talking to a trusted friend or family member about this? I find asking advice to people on the internet = counterproductive. Whilst you will get advice that is meaningful, more than half the other responses is probably going to frustrate me more. I understand you wanted to get advice from your peers, but after reading the obvious attacks on your character...... you would of been better talking to a rock.
With all that said, this is my opinion. I feel with the tone of your initial post, you did/do feel at the end of your rope with this situation. I myself am learning to use my passive aggressive behaviors to indirectly change my environment. Meaning, I have a few coworkers who feed off drama (whether work or personal) and by the end of the conversation I felt like I was sucked in a deep dark hole of negativity. I started realizing what these people was doing, feeding off me. Whenever I am around them now I put this emotional/energy shield around myself....I tell you its hilarious watching these people feel uncomfortable being around me because of being unable to get their hands on my sanity. Girl take your power back-- no one has the right to have this power over you.
I don't let people bother me, half the time the perceived problem they give us isn't ours in the first place. Its probably their problem they trying to project in you.

Well said :) i could not agree more!

dudette10, MSN, RN · Aug 8, 2014

Number one rule of teamwork: you have a problem with someone, you talk to the person first. It can be difficult; it can be anxiety-inducing. That discomfort doesn't make null and void the number one rule.

Most people--not all, but most--will respond positively to the conversation if approached with a genuine and sincere desire to work things out. Note that approaching someone to yell back, tell them they are wrong, or to put them in their place is decidedly not a genuine and sincere attempt to work things out. The goal is to clar the air and improve the working relationship, and everything you say should reflect that goal. In my experience, it works 99% of the time.

The only time I had to take something up the chain of command was when the conversation escalated to a point where the non-nursing member of the team had the audacity to tell me that I could not talk to the doctor about an issue regarding a patient. At that point, my fuse started madly crackling, and I had to walk out before I unleashed a completely inappropriate dressing down to her. I got my manager involved. My manager came back to me and said simply, "I talked to her, and I can guarantee you will never have a problem with her again."

No one tells me I can't talk to a doctor about my patient, regardless of the issue. I would go so far to say that, for the most part, just interpersonal issues should be handled on the interpersonal level. Patient care issues that can't be resolved one-to-one SHOULD be brought to management.

suzy12 · Aug 8, 2014

Number one rule of teamwork: you have a problem with someone, you talk to the person first. It can be difficult; it can be anxiety-inducing. That discomfort doesn't make null and void the number one rule.
Most people--not all, but most--will respond positively to the conversation if approached with a genuine and sincere desire to work things out. Note that approaching someone to yell back, tell them they are wrong, or to put them in their place is decidedly not a genuine and sincere attempt to work things out. The goal is to clar the air and improve the working relationship, and everything you say should reflect that goal. In my experience, it works 99% of the time.
The only time I had to take something up the chain of command was when the conversation escalated to a point where the non-nursing member of the team had the audacity to tell me that I could not talk to the doctor about an issue regarding a patient. At that point, my fuse started madly crackling, and I had to walk out before I unleashed a completely inappropriate dressing down to her. I got my manager involved. My manager came back to me and said simply, "I talked to her, and I can guarantee you will never have a problem with her again."
No one tells me I can't talk to a doctor about my patient, regardless of the issue. I would go so far to say that, for the most part, just interpersonal issues should be handled on the interpersonal level. Patient care issues that can't be resolved one-to-one SHOULD be brought to management.

I can see your point that talking to the OP first is the best course of action. Especially in the early stages, however i feel its a situation you can only deal with in the early stages . I think personally there is often a time limit.

Also sometimes it cannot be done. Like it was for you when it involved patient care. That was your fuse and i would be the same in all honesty if it involved my patients.

Nevertheless i respect that some peoples limits are lower than others in what they can cope with.

Some people cant handle that "anxiety inducing" state of having to confront another person. Therefore choose to ignore the issue instead. Now ignoring alone may diffuse the situation, however there is times it may not. Then it just gets harder to grasp control of the situation.

And the person could feel stuck in a rut with no way out.

Therefore in situations like that, they need help. Whether that be from a manager or a DON , they need that support and guidance.

dudette10, MSN, RN · Aug 8, 2014

Some people cant handle that "anxiety inducing" state of having to confront another person. Therefore choose to ignore the issue instead. Now ignoring alone may diffuse the situation, however there is times it may not. Then it just gets harder to grasp control of the situation.
And the person could feel stuck in a rut with no way out.
Therefore in situations like that, they need help. Whether that be from a manager or a DON , they need that support and guidance.

You're right. Some people need the support and guidance, then going to the manager should be to get support and guidance...NOT to persuade the manager to handle the situation.

We will ALWAYS encounter difficult working relationships, and it's best to seek out the tools to handle it oneself. Otherwise, how will we EVER be able to deal with any type of conflict in the workplace ourselves? It is a matter of professional development.

"I have an interpersonal issue with a co-worker, but I really need some advice on how to approach her and what to say. I get very anxious when bringing up an issue to a coworker, and I want to clear the air with her. How do I go about that in an effective way?"

suzy12 · Aug 8, 2014

Thats a good response :) it shows such positivity! Something that i hope others will learn from, its helpful advice to people in that situation