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Covid wedding... am I the bad guy?

Updated | Posted

Specializes in Critical Care. Has 6 years experience.

My brother had a wedding planned for august. covid is just now spiking where I live, I work in critical care, and have been taking every precaution to keep myself, my wife, and our two young children safe. We are ‘healthy’ and in our 30s but my wife has asthma. They now are thinking about reducing number of guests (not confirmed). I told him I cannot guarantee my presence at the wedding and he now says he doesn’t want to get married if I can’t come. I am annoyed he’s putting this on me. I get he wants me there but I have to do what’s best for me and my family. Some family friends just all tested positive after a small graduation gathering. I see this as no different. I cannot foresee what life will be like in two months with how rapidly the number of cases and patients has increased in the last couple weeks. Am I the bad guy for telling him to take me out of the equation and he can prop me up on an ipad if we have to? Thanks for any input.

Emergent, RN

Specializes in ER. Has 28 years experience.

I think you should go.

herring_RN, ASN, BSN

Specializes in Critical care, tele, Medical-Surgical. Has 49 years experience.

I think you should use your judgment. It seems you love your brother and family, but want to be safe for your self and to avoid giving it to your patients or to anyone else.

amoLucia

Specializes in LTC.

And IMO, pass on the wedding! You need to concern yourself with your safety and that of your fam.

If you were to go, and things go awry because of the wedding, you'll have to deal with the sequellae.

Like PP herring comments - follow you instincts. Do what's best for YOU.

lifelearningrn, BSN, RN

Specializes in School Nursing. Has 7 years experience.

Of course your brother wants you at his wedding. I would do everything possible to go, while also taking every precaution to stay safe.

A Hit With The Ladies, BSN, RN

Specializes in Psych. Has 5 years experience.

On 6/21/2020 at 7:20 PM, zoidberg said:

he now says he doesn’t want to get married if I can’t come

Uhm.... the only person he should really care about showing up if he wants to get married would be his fiancé (or fiancée).

I'd be annoyed, too. You're in the right here.

Sounds like your brother loves you.

I would say research factual, scientific data. Discuss it with you wife and make a decision what’s best for you and your family.

speedynurse, ADN, RN, EMT-P

Specializes in ER, Pre-Op, PACU.

On 6/21/2020 at 8:20 PM, zoidberg said:

My brother had a wedding planned for august. covid is just now spiking where I live, I work in critical care, and have been taking every precaution to keep myself, my wife, and our two young children safe. We are ‘healthy’ and in our 30s but my wife has asthma. They now are thinking about reducing number of guests (not confirmed). I told him I cannot guarantee my presence at the wedding and he now says he doesn’t want to get married if I can’t come. I am annoyed he’s putting this on me. I get he wants me there but I have to do what’s best for me and my family. Some family friends just all tested positive after a small graduation gathering. I see this as no different. I cannot foresee what life will be like in two months with how rapidly the number of cases and patients has increased in the last couple weeks. Am I the bad guy for telling him to take me out of the equation and he can prop me up on an ipad if we have to? Thanks for any input.

Only you can decide this. One thing to mention though is do you think your family is anymore at risk then what you bring home from work? Most critical care nurses are absolutely exposed to covid.

pixierose, BSN, RN

Specializes in ED, psych. Has 4 years experience.

7 hours ago, A Hit With The Ladies said:

Uhm.... the only person he should really care about showing up if he wants to get married would be his fiancé (or fiancée).

I'd be annoyed, too. You're in the right here.

Wait, what?

Am I actually agreeing with A Hit With The Ladies?

scribblz, BSN, CNA, LPN

Specializes in Med Surg, Tele, Geriatrics, home infusion. Has 14 years experience.

I would require hard assurances of the measures being taken to minimize risk. IE. Mandatory masking by all attendees, households who are already exposed to each other seated together. Is this taking place outside? Good airflow and space has been shown to decrease the risk. If it was my wedding with just my nearest and dearest I would consider asking all attendees to be tested 48hrs prior and self quarantine for those 48hrs. If people can do it for the safety of the medical team prior to any procedure as is current practice at my hospital surely they can do it so a loved one can have a safe wedding. Of course people will want the masks off for pictures and eating so the testing is actually really necessary.

Yes, we are at risk at our jobs, but much less than social situations. At my hospital there are systems in place that for the most part everyone follows. Socially we lack that discipline and structure to be vigilant with hand hygiene, distancing and masking.

I organized a "socially distant father's day BBQ" and even with only 10 people spreading them out was a challenge. But in the end everyone felt safe and had a wonderful time.

This is our new normal so I feel we have to adapt. As the healthcare professional in your family; they will likely need your guidance on how to responsibly do this.

Good luck whatever you decide!

Have to agree with those who say as much as brotherly love is important, that if the man really wants to get married all he needs there is his fiancee and someone who's legally approved to say the words.

I know that he would hate for you to miss his wedding, though, and I think that's more what they were expressing by saying "Aww, now I don't wanna get married if you can't be there." Not trying to guilt trip, even if it might have ended up feeling that way.

So whatever you decide, I'd make sure your brother knew it was painful for you, too, to even have to consider whether you should attend or not. If you do go and you say "I always wanted to, it hurt to think about not going", then maybe he won't feel like he guilted you into attending, and will understand it wasn't something you could say yes to right away like you would in ordinary circumstances.

And if you decide you can't go, make sure your brother knows just how hard of a decision it was -- that if there was any way you could be there and be sure you wouldn't either get infected at the wedding and then infect your patients, or be infected by one of your patients and not know it and get everyone at the wedding sick, you'd be there.

Maybe they could do some live-streaming for other people who may not be able to attend -- maybe you and your wife could get dressed up and deliver a video toast at the reception to make sure they know you wish them well.

Good luck either way!

JadedCPN, BSN, RN

Specializes in Pediatrics, Pediatric Float, PICU, NICU. Has 15 years experience.

17 hours ago, pixierose said:

Wait, what?

Am I actually agreeing with A Hit With The Ladies?

I also found myself shocked that I was agreeing with A Hit With The Ladies! Right is right though.

Tait, MSN, RN

Specializes in Acute Care Cardiac, Education, Prof Practice. Has 14 years experience.

On 6/23/2020 at 10:47 AM, A Hit With The Ladies said:

Uhm.... the only person he should really care about showing up if he wants to get married would be his fiancé (or fiancée).

I'd be annoyed, too. You're in the right here.

I am going to agree too. Honestly if he is willing to sack his marriage over an absent sibling I wonder if he is just looking for an out...LOL?

llg, PhD, RN

Specializes in Nursing Professional Development. Has 44 years experience.

Look at the facts. Discuss it with your wife and make the decision that you want to make for your family. If that is to miss this wedding, don't let him guilt-trip you. (Though personally, I would probably choose to go to the wedding. Maybe you could go alone and then self-quarantine to minimize your wife's risk.)

If he and his fiance don't want to delay the wedding ... they can settle for a smaller one. They might even plan a tiny one, with plans to have a large reception in a year or so after this is over (and there is an effective vaccine, etc.) I have a close friend whose son is doing that -- ceremony in July, reception next year (tentitively).

My mother did something like that when she remarried in her 70's. She and my stepfather had a tiny ceremony with no guests -- not even their kids attended. Then, a couple of months later when it was more convenient they had a big reception to celebrate.

On 6/21/2020 at 8:20 PM, zoidberg said:

Am I the bad guy for telling him to take me out of the equation

No, you are not. Any sentient being watching the news yesterday would agree.

llg, PhD, RN

Specializes in Nursing Professional Development. Has 44 years experience.

The wedding could always be Zoomed

Go. Wear a mask. Leave the family home.