Can we just agree, being honest is not akin to being "rude"?

[SmilingBluEyes]

I have noticed a rash of posters here asking for advice, opinions and help, only to get all puffed up when people are honest and frank in their replies.

Here is the basic rule on a general open forum such as this:

If you don't want to know the truth, don't ask. If you cannot handle the truth, don't put your situation out there for general consumption.

Another fact: People don't have to agree with you to be helpful.

Seriously so much "butt hurt" that is so unnecessary.

I see a lot of helpful posters trying to answer questions honestly, only to be slammed for being "rude"......

Just keepin' it real and wondering if it's just me noticing a big trend here.

[nursel56]

Being honest is not being rude, and being rude isn't bullying. We have terms of service parameters that pretty much exclude abusive targeting of an individual.

You can ask a question here and get some feedback from those already doing what you want to do, and perhaps your feelings are hurt by that information. Or you can start your first job and learn it then.

The threads I cringe over are those that turn into a dogpile of comment after comment all saying the same thing. That is rude. If that is done to a first-time poster, they probably won't come back.

If somebody's faux pas has 8 pages of replies, chances are someone has already reprimanded the person just the way you are planning to do it. You can throw your post on top of the pile, or you can take a few minutes to do a spot-check of the replies beforehand, where you will most likely find 35 people have already said the same thing.

[CamillusRN, BSN]

The difficulty is that "rudeness", like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. What YOU consider rude might be tactful honesty to someone else. And vice versa.

Ahhhh! You used all caps! You so mean! My feelings are hurted! Bullying! Bullying!

In all seriousness, yes - there is a place for brutal honesty when the thread originator simply isn't ("getting it") with light and fluffy honesty. But there are some who can't handle the truth even when its dosed out using kid gloves.

[Susie2310]

Being honest is not being rude, and being rude isn't bullying. We have terms of service parameters that pretty much exclude abusive targeting of an individual.

In the process of speaking one's truth, i.e. being "honest", one can also be rude. A number of posters on this thread have referred to reading posts which they considered to be brutally honest, insensitive, rude, mean-spirited, etc. A number of other people, by "liking" these posters' comments, appeared to express agreement.

[tyvin, BSN, RN]

I used to be shy and sensitive, but after 4 years as an RN I kissed all that good-bye. Now over 20 years later I look back and see how naive I was. One of the posts on this thread or one on the other thread that inspired this thread; someone said that the difference between many of the posters is that some are just starting out or in school, and the other's are seasoned veterans, hardened it may seem, or just experienced.

I had no expectations when I became a nurse. My BFF and I were doing prereqs in college and she was going to be an RN; her lifelong dream. Me, I had no idea, but I liked school. She talked me into going into the RN program with her. Had a blast in school, so when I actually got my first job there were no dreams fulfilled, no passion to serve...it was just a job that I liked because I worked with people.

My personality has changed drastically since I became a nurse. I'm more hardened. I believe this is due to the fact that many times I have had to go against the status quo and object when others would turn their heads and I would not (involving patient care). Than I saw the callous BS that goes on behind the scenes and it makes me sick to my stomach.

Managers, charges, and DONs manipulating records, setting up people for a fall, omitting things or adding false things into the record, turning their heads when it suits their agenda. Many nurses don't see this because they choose not to or they're working in a fabulous place where nothing goes wrong.

Many times I will respond to a post and check it before hitting the Submit Reply tab and I'll stop and erase the whole thing because it sounds too abrupt. The only problem is, I tell it like I experienced it. When it's put onto paper it sounds real bad sometimes.

The bottom line is (as was also said by a prior response), I could read a sentence and you could read the same sentence and we could both see it in entirely different ways. All you have to do is look at how people interpret the Bible (is that why there are so many different groups all claiming their way is right). Look at the Quran; Isis says it's this way and regular Muslims don't agree (that's a real bad thing) and how many other groups as well; or how about Obama supposedly an expert on law about the US Constitution...amhm. He sure is interpreting the oranges out of that.

Ok; now don't get your panties in a bunch because I said something about Obama. So that's my story and I'm sticking to it. In the end let's all get along. Next time a response offends you pm the person and tell them how it made you feel or do a regualr response; communication people!

The thing about conversing online is that body language is responsible for over 75% of our communication. There are theories that go even higher than 75%. Online we see nothing of the other person, therefore our brains have to fill in the blanks from our own experiences.

Gotta go

[Conqueror+, BSN, RN]

I love me some AllNurses but ya'll can be rude as all get out sometimes. So can my mother and siblings but I love them no less. Takeaway: No relationship is perfect and as long as the pleasure outweighs the pain stay committed (unless you're into pain which is a separate thread).

[jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B]

Annndddd my kids will tell you that I am a control freakish fountain of information. Combine that with my "dry wit" and we have ourselves a ball game.

Intent and tone are not conveyed well on any message that is in written form. But I would think that intent is always meant to be helpful, no matter how it is served. Sometimes people have less of a filter than others., but if the intent is to just be nasty to others, there's millions of other message boards that one can do that.

If one believes themselves to have handled a situation without input, then I am not sure they would pose question on a message board of hundreds of thousands for more input. And some input is mind boggling, while others spot on. But it comes from a place of opening one's eyes to alternatives.

You say potato, I say po-tat-toe. And sometimes what one finds the most eye opening, a-ha moment for them is a "WHAT?!?!?!?!"

Much like real life, there's advice that is useful. But that doesn't mean it is meaningful--meaningful puts emotions into in that are personal life and not work life. Which need to be separate.

[kidnurse07]

3) Someone will find angles into the topic you never would have entertained.

this never ceases to amaze me. some posts scream angry at one owns' life circumstances.

[nursel56]

In the process of speaking one's truth, i.e. being "honest", one can also be rude. A number of posters on this thread have referred to reading posts which they considered to be brutally honest, insensitive, rude, mean-spirited, etc. A number of other people, by "liking" these posters' comments, appeared to express agreement.

I know people read posts here that they think are rude, mean-spirited, and insensitive. I should have clarified that within honest there is rude sometimes and within rude there can be bullying.

The terms of service apply to personal attacks, not to people who might be offended by reading through the threads. There's a good chance a person reading a post to someone else might perceive it to be mean-spirited and the recipient find it honest and helpful.

I've learned not to read too much in the "likes" because I, and perhaps others do the like for reasons other than that they agree with all of the content.

I don't believe I've ever read a thread here that I would call a bullying thread. If anyone can point me to one I would like to see it.

[Gooselady, BSN, RN]

The difficulty is that "rudeness", like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. What YOU consider rude might be tactful honesty to someone else. And vice versa.

Disagree. Vehemently (maybe it's just my mood )

Rudeness is an objective 'thing' that is easily recognized by most averagely intelligent and aware people most of the time.

This particular idea that 'rudeness is in the eye of the beholder' is so obviously NOT true that sometimes I wonder if some folks just want to defend being rude. Rude is rude. If a person really doesn't want to monitor their behavior for rudeness, wants a free rude ride, then own it.

Rude people can really suck at times, but they are still regular people, and when they are rude, they are going to experience the consequences of rudeness.

Trying to do a mindf to make rude into a 'subjective personal thing' won't make those consequences of being rude go away. They are here to stay.

The only way to get people to like you (the generic you) more, and not pitch you crap, is to not be rude! Amazing.

[brandiep1982]

Based off observations I have made, I think this should go both ways... I agree that when people ask for help or advice they should be open to honest, CONSTRUCTIVE help. However, people who respond should do so in kind ways rather than being rude themselves. A person can give constructive criticism without being mean/ judgmental. I have seen this from both sides. We should be here to help one another and maybe grow a bit, not to tear each other down.

[calivianya, BSN, RN]

One more random thought about rude honesty: I don't think most people continue to reflect on something another person's said when that person really offended them. Some people are willing to do this kind of self-exploration; most are going to just shut down. So, there is an argument for being polite just so you are heard. There is no point in being honest if you are honest in such a way that the recipient rejects what you had to say just because of how you said it. You might as well be talking to a wall.

[brandiep1982]

Disagree. Vehemently (maybe it's just my mood )

Rudeness is an objective 'thing' that is easily recognized by most averagely intelligent and aware people most of the time.

This particular idea that 'rudeness is in the eye of the beholder' is so obviously NOT true that sometimes I wonder if some folks just want to defend being rude. Rude is rude. If a person really doesn't want to monitor their behavior for rudeness, wants a free rude ride, then own it.

Rude people can really suck at times, but they are still regular people, and when they are rude, they are going to experience the consequences of rudeness.

Trying to do a mindf to make rude into a 'subjective personal thing' won't make those consequences of being rude go away. They are here to stay.

The only way to get people to like you (the generic you) more, and not pitch you crap, is to not be rude! Amazing.

If you have taken sociology and psychology courses, you should understand that rudeness is absolutely a perception thing. I could say the exact same thing in the exact same way to ten people at the same time and every single one of them will perceive something different based of numerous criteria: biases, expectations, past life experiences, ones own personality, etc.

Sure, some things are just obviously rude, but most of the time rudeness is in a huge gray area.