Can I date the nurse who took care my mother before she passed away?

[m4a123]

My mother had some heart problems and passed away after three weeks of hospital stays. There was a nurse that I liked. We shared some great moments, especially she was on duty on my birthday and gave me a birthday cake in a surprise way and also gave me a hug. I did not receive hugs from any other nurses. She also told me that she was just divorced. One month after my mom passed away, I went back to the hospital and dropped off some thank you cards for some nurses who gave very good cares to mother. Surprisingly, she was there on that day too. We talked, then I gave her a "special" thank you card. We had another hug before we go. In that "special" thank you card, I wrote I wanted to see her, hear from her, and I miss her. I also wrote down my number there. But I did not wrote down anything to ask her to call me back as I did not want her to get in troubles with her works.

It has been another four months for now, I still have not received a call back from her. I understand may be the hospital has some policies keeping her to call me, or may be she still need more time to heal from her divorce, just like I am still healing from the lost of my mother, or may be she did not open the thank you card I gave her, or she just lost the card. But during this four months, I am sure I really like her and really want to spend the rest of my life with her.

Now, I want to ask if I am allowed to date her legally as I am her former patient family member? I also want to ask if you should mail a thank you card to the hospital for her and tell her I like her and want her to call me back when she has a chance? Or is this just my fantasy that I should just move on?

Thank you for reading my long story. I really appreciate your time and look for good advises.

[BuckyBadgerRN, ASN, RN]

Not bashing match.com, I'm just wondering why a probable non-nurse is here asking for social/dating advice. In ANY profession if it's been four months and she hasn't reached out, she's probably just not that into you!

[roser13, ASN, RN]

Not bashing match.com, I'm just wondering why a probable non-nurse is here asking for social/dating advice. In ANY profession if it's been four months and she hasn't reached out, she's probably just not that into you!

I'm guessing that English is not OP's first language. Perhaps he's asking more about dating habits in the US than about nurses

[m4a123]

Thanks everyone for the advises. I know what to do now. Just slowly move on. I have acknowledged that I handle things a lot slower than before, so I think time is best healing machine. I also feel guilty for the thank you card I gave her now, I've really should not write down my personal feeling to her.

Yes, my family moved to USA when I was in high school, so English is not my first language. I don't have any dating experiences here, so please correct me if I did anything that was not appropriated to the nurse.

[RNsRWe, ASN, RN]

Thanks everyone for the advises. I know what to do now. Just slowly move on. I have acknowledged that I handle things a lot slower than before, so I think time is best healing machine. I also feel guilty for the thank you card I gave her now, I've really should not write down my personal feeling to her.

Yes, my family moved to USA when I was in high school, so English is not my first language. I don't have any dating experiences here, so please correct me if I did anything that was not appropriated to the nurse.

I think you've received all the "corrections" you may need, and some very good advice.

While we appreciate the depth of your loss and the probable reasoning for the attachment you made......it's time to move on. Best of luck for your future!

[psu_213, BSN, RN]

I also feel guilty for the thank you card I gave her now, I've really should not write down my personal feeling to her.

I don't think there is any reason to feel guilty about it. She gave you a hug. To you that was a message that she wanted to know you outside of her work. To her, it was comforting a grieving family member. I doubt she is mad that you sent her her a special message. There is a professional boundary that she does not want to cross, and, to her, even calling you to say "no thanks" may be a crossing of that boundary. Don't take it personally. Move on, don't feel bad about it, and good luck to you in the future.

[elkpark]

Thanks everyone for the advises. I know what to do now. Just slowly move on. I have acknowledged that I handle things a lot slower than before, so I think time is best healing machine. I also feel guilty for the thank you card I gave her now, I've really should not write down my personal feeling to her.

Yes, my family moved to USA when I was in high school, so English is not my first language. I don't have any dating experiences here, so please correct me if I did anything that was not appropriated to the nurse.

You didn't do anything wrong or inappropriate, and there's no reason to feel guilty -- but continuing to pursue her would be crossing over into "inappropriate" territory.

Again, I'm v. sorry for your loss. I'm sure that, as time passes, you will meet someone under better circumstances who could be a good match for you. :) Best wishes --

[caliotter3]

Please do not pursue this any further. The nurse does not need stalking behavior to deal with. Sorry for your loss. You need to accept it and move on, in a healthy direction.

[m4a123]

Please do not pursue this any further. The nurse does not need stalking behavior to deal with. Sorry for your loss. You need to accept it and move on, in a healthy direction.

I will not as I want her to be happy! Thanks

[KelRN215, BSN, RN]

But during this four months, I am sure I really like her and really want to spend the rest of my life with her.

Ok, this is the creepiest thing I've ever heard and please do not say anything like this to a woman whom you've never been out on a date with. You will scare her off.

I think her lack of response means she's not interested. It's generally not wise to pursue personal relationships with patients, former patients or family members of either. I think you are trying to maintain an attachment to your mother through this nurse who cared for her. You are grieving and that is normal but I do not think there is a future for you and this nurse.

[brandy1017, ASN, RN]

You gave her your number, you said (in the card) that you want to hear from her and want to see more of her, and she hasn't responded. You've gotten your answer. IMO, pursuing this any further would be moving into "creepy" territory (as is the idea that you've already decided, on the basis of the v. limited contact you've had with her, that you "want to spend the rest of (your) life with her" ...).

One of the reasons that it's considered unethical for healthcare professionals to enter into personal relationships with people they have dealt with professionally is because it's easy and common for individuals who are interacting with nurses and other healthcare professionals in a time of personal crisis and vulnerability to misinterpret and read too much into the professional relationship, which is what it sounds like has happened here. As the saying goes, there are "plenty of other fish in the sea." It would be better and healthier for you to start up a relationship with someone you didn't meet via a personal crisis and significant loss in your life.

My condolences on the loss of your mother; I hope that you'll be able to recover from that loss and move forward in your life. Best wishes --

While I agree that her not answering you may be her not being interested, it is possible she doesn't want to cross the professional boundaries because of work. I think it would be ok to call her and talk to her, ask her out if she seems receptive, but don't base the interactions you had with her as she is the one for the rest of your life. You just went thru the traumatic loss of your mom and your feelings for her may be because of this loss and not true love since you really don't know each other. So if you do decide to call her take it slow and don't call her workplace or send work a card because this does present a professional ethics situation as nurses are advised not to have personal relationships with coworkers/families, it is frowned upon, because the patients/families are at a disadvantage due to their poor health and grief. That said sometimes nurses do develop relationships with patient/family but it is a tricky situation. Sometimes friendships do develop, other times there are misunderstandings and feelings are hurt which is why we are counseled not to get involved with patients and families. The intense feelings you have for her are probably because she represented a lifeline to you when your mother was dying as opposed to love. I wish you the best.

[B52, ADN, BSN, MSN, RN]

My ex-boyfriend, who is a mama's boy, dated and married the CNA who cared for his mother in her last days. After they really got to know each other they got a divorce.

Let it go. Move on. She's not interested.

[OCNRN63, RN]

While I agree that her not answering you may be her not being interested, it is possible she doesn't want to cross the professional boundaries because of work. I think it would be ok to call her and talk to her, ask her out if she seems receptive, but don't base the interactions you had with her as she is the one for the rest of your life. You just went thru the traumatic loss of your mom and your feelings for her may be because of this loss and not true love since you really don't know each other. So if you do decide to call her take it slow and don't call her workplace or send work a card because this does present a professional ethics situation as nurses are advised not to have personal relationships with coworkers/families, it is frowned upon, because the patients/families are at a disadvantage due to their poor health and grief. That said sometimes nurses do develop relationships with patient/family but it is a tricky situation. Sometimes friendships do develop, other times there are misunderstandings and feelings are hurt which is why we are counseled not to get involved with patients and families. The intense feelings you have for her are probably because she represented a lifeline to you when your mother was dying as opposed to love. I wish you the best.

I would be livid if a patient called me at home. I had a patient's wife call me; she didn't know my number, but she figured out who my parents were and called them.

If the guy isn't supposed to call the nurse at work, that only leaves at home, and that feels like stalking to me. She has made it clear she doesn't want to be pursued. Let the poor woman alone.