Can I date the nurse who took care my mother before she passed away?

[m4a123]

My mother had some heart problems and passed away after three weeks of hospital stays. There was a nurse that I liked. We shared some great moments, especially she was on duty on my birthday and gave me a birthday cake in a surprise way and also gave me a hug. I did not receive hugs from any other nurses. She also told me that she was just divorced. One month after my mom passed away, I went back to the hospital and dropped off some thank you cards for some nurses who gave very good cares to mother. Surprisingly, she was there on that day too. We talked, then I gave her a "special" thank you card. We had another hug before we go. In that "special" thank you card, I wrote I wanted to see her, hear from her, and I miss her. I also wrote down my number there. But I did not wrote down anything to ask her to call me back as I did not want her to get in troubles with her works.

It has been another four months for now, I still have not received a call back from her. I understand may be the hospital has some policies keeping her to call me, or may be she still need more time to heal from her divorce, just like I am still healing from the lost of my mother, or may be she did not open the thank you card I gave her, or she just lost the card. But during this four months, I am sure I really like her and really want to spend the rest of my life with her.

Now, I want to ask if I am allowed to date her legally as I am her former patient family member? I also want to ask if you should mail a thank you card to the hospital for her and tell her I like her and want her to call me back when she has a chance? Or is this just my fantasy that I should just move on?

Thank you for reading my long story. I really appreciate your time and look for good advises.

[edmia, BSN, RN]

She got your message and is sending her own to you by not reciprocating. It's not illegal to date you, but it does cross a professional/ethical line that most nurses don't want to cross.

I'm sorry about your loss, but it will be healthier for you to move on.

Sent from my iPhone -- blame all errors on spellcheck

[TheCommuter, BSN, RN]

It has been another four months for now, I still have not received a call back from her.

Her lack of an answer means that you have your answer. Read: she is not that interested in reaching out to you. Sometimes rejection is a form of protection.

A nurse who would go out of his/her way to develop personal friendships and romantic relationships with former patients or their family members is exercising poor judgment and displaying weak professional boundaries, IMHO. Hence, I can make an educated conjecture on why she has not responded.

[vintagemother, BSN, CNA, LVN, RN]

I attended board of nursing disciplinary hearings as part of my nursing education. It was evident that they frown on nurses developing relationships with the family of people they provided nursing care to. I watched them grill a nurse about her marriage to a Pts son.

[jadelpn, LPN, EMT-B]

Ethically, it is not a good idea, hence why you did not hear back. It is not uncommon for close family members to feel a great deal of affection for those who take such good care of their loved ones, go that extra mile, share an intimate and personal end of life relationship, who are unfailingly good and compassionate. This is how nurses who really care about the job that they do develop a therapeutic relationship to make an end of life experience as peaceful as possible. Which is the goal of nurses who care for end of life patients.

There are times that in order to include a patient in a celebration and make time meaningful, there will be a cake for a son who is having a birthday--in order for the patient to experience that joy. There are nurses who are "huggers" who will use touch as a form of bonding with end of life situations. It is a whole different experience being a nurse taking care of those who are actively dying.

Because a nurse is really good at the job that they do, there is a tremendous amount of "down time" that is needed to recharge, especially when it is after the death of a patient that one has spent hours with, and shared details that commonly a nurse and patient and family wouldn't share. In order to not fall to pieces, a nurse must "file away" the experience and move on to the next patient who needs that same energy.

Remember, who we are as nurses is not necessarily who we are as people outside of the facility. There is a whole different life to lead once we clock out. We all appreciate words of kindness when we do a job well. However, we need to go through a process of letting go and moving on.

May I suggest that you seek out your local hospice agency, and see what they have for support groups? They often will have survivor groups that you could get involved in. This may help put the whole experience in perspective for you.

I am sorry for your loss.

[LadyFree28, BSN, LPN, RN]

Sorry for your loss.

I wanted to respond to what you shared and try to interpret what nurses do; I think you may have misconstrued her professionalism as a form of more than kindness and empathy and an invitation to want more than a personal relationship with you:

My mother had some heart problems and passed away after three weeks of hospital stays. There was a nurse that I liked. We shared some great moments, especially she was on duty on my birthday and gave me a birthday cake in a surprise way and also gave me a hug. I did not receive hugs from any other nurses.

The nurse may have wanted you to have something positive to look forward to, since your mother was in a very critical situation at the time; which many nurses do for family members; she could've been the person there to give you the cake, but other nurses may have pitched in as well.

Sometimes nurses will band together and help family members out; even with all the intense work we do, sometimes we help create an atmosphere not only for our patients, but for family members too.

Also, some nurses give hugs, some do not.

She also told me that she was just divorced.

That may have been a small talk reference, I wouldn't take that as a personal opening to start a relationship.

One month after my mom passed away, I went back to the hospital and dropped off some thank you cards for some nurses who gave very good cares to mother. Surprisingly, she was there on that day too. We talked, then I gave her a "special" thank you card. We had another hug before we go.

That hug was an appropriate way to end the nurse-patient relationship.

I will say, this is PURELY my opinion, but I wouldn't go far as to say that something still would come of it, but it has been months...you are best served with very positive memories of a nurse that made sure during a very difficult time that your emotional needs were met-which is a real part of our job; it was natural to develop a bond out of this; however, at this time, all signs point that this was a professional relationship on this nurse's part and nothing more.

Best wishes.

[elkpark]

You gave her your number, you said (in the card) that you want to hear from her and want to see more of her, and she hasn't responded. You've gotten your answer. IMO, pursuing this any further would be moving into "creepy" territory (as is the idea that you've already decided, on the basis of the v. limited contact you've had with her, that you "want to spend the rest of (your) life with her" ...).

One of the reasons that it's considered unethical for healthcare professionals to enter into personal relationships with people they have dealt with professionally is because it's easy and common for individuals who are interacting with nurses and other healthcare professionals in a time of personal crisis and vulnerability to misinterpret and read too much into the professional relationship, which is what it sounds like has happened here. As the saying goes, there are "plenty of other fish in the sea." It would be better and healthier for you to start up a relationship with someone you didn't meet via a personal crisis and significant loss in your life.

My condolences on the loss of your mother; I hope that you'll be able to recover from that loss and move forward in your life. Best wishes --

[roser13, ASN, RN]

"But during this four months, I am sure I really like her and really want to spend the rest of my life with her. "

That is a rather drastic conclusion to come to after such minimal contact with someone. I would guess that you may have expressed a little too much "enthusiasm" in your special thank-you note to the nurse. I definitely would not approach her further as she might be a little frightened by further contact.

[klone, MSN, RN]

Agree with Roser, and I think what you're experiencing is a common phenomenon. I think they have have a name for it: Nightingale Syndrome.

But yes, with all gentleness and caring, you do need to move on. You misinterpreted kindness for romantic interest, which is something that's very common for people who are vulnerable and/or grieving. Her lack of response is all the response you need.

Be well, and I'm sorry for your loss.

[BuckyBadgerRN, ASN, RN]

Allnurses or match.com? Just wondering where I am today...

[TheCommuter, BSN, RN]

Allnurses or match.com? Just wondering where I am today...

You definitely aren't on Match.com because they charge their subscribers, LOL. It's probably a blur between Allnurses.com and OKCupid, Plenty of Fish or one of the free dating sites. :)

[klone, MSN, RN]

I met my wonderful husband of 8 years on Match.com. :) I'm particularly fond of that site!