Are you a nurse from a dysfunctional family?

Nurses General Nursing

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Hi,

This is something I have been curious about for a while. I know there must be nurses out there who come from dysfunctional families...

What I mean by "dysfunctional" is the following: growing up in a household where you have been neglected or abused by your immediate family and/or were raised in a family where drug addiction, mental illness were common. Here is an abbreviated synopsis of my experience: my mother has suffered from clinical depression since she was a teenager, my father has a gambling addiction and has caused my family to declare bankruptcy, my brother is a drug addict (heroin) who lives with my parents who enable him, and my sister also suffers from clinical depression and anxiety-she tried to commit suicide last year.

I moved away from my family years ago. I have been depression and med free for a number of years now.

I have often wondered: how many people out there in nursing, a profession where your job is to care for other people, and often to empower patients/clients with the ability to care for themselves- have come from backgrounds where they did not receive adequate care, encouragement from their families? Where you had to largely teach yourself how to properly care for and nurture yourself?

If you experienced an abusive/ neglected upbringing- do you feel it influenced you to become a nurse?

Do you think your experiences have helped or hindered you?

Do you often have to check yourself because there is a fine line between caregiving and caretaking ?

At this point, I am a student, and I am leaning towards psychiatric nursing as a speciality. I know that this is because of my personal experiences with my family, and my own struggles with mental illness. I already know more about meds, diagnoses, and treatments than the average person! (Ha ha)

Any feedback would be appreciated!

Thanks,

Jennifer

Maybe it has something to do with helping others...that in turn helps us see how to help ourselves.

Yep, me too. My mother and her husband are alcoholics, she's severely depressed. My biodad is/was distant and emotionally unavailable. I was told I was stupid, fat, an "animal", etc. I was constantly berated for my weight (I was a chubby child who turned into a morbidly obese teenager...back to being chubby). We were abused both verbally and physically and grossly neglected. I went through my own struggle with depression and have learned how to recognize and live with it. But, you know, though I struggle with my "demons" on a daily basis, I think I am strong and hard-working because of my past. I still have to wrestle with my self-talk and fears of abandonment, but I am happy, healthy, and raising three very happy, well-adjusted children who have no idea what it's like to be mistreated at the hands of their parents. I think there are more families than we know that suffer abuse in silence. Bad stuff happens to us all - we take back control when we deal with it and don't let it dictate our futures.

Specializes in Psych, M/S, Ortho, Float..

Having been brought up by my dad, the oldest of 3, my family was and still is dysfunctional. When I was in school, at the end of the day during my psych rotation, I was tempted to "book myself in" as I was sicker than some of my patients. I coped better than my patients, but I was a very wounded person.

Dad was great, but he couldn't cope with the 3 of us all at the same time.

I had wanted to go into psych nursing before I started Nursing school, but I found it too difficult to deal with at home and a work at the same time.

In my last year, I was diagnosed with a profound learning disability and ADD. I was 31 years old. A great shrink and meds proved to be a life saver.

I needed to heal myself before healing others. I am now considering psych nursing as an option. But I would have crashed and burned if I had gone straight to psych after finishing school.

I still have those mind tapes of being fat and stupid running through my head from time to time, but usually only when I am PMS'ing and having a really bad day. I was married to a guy who just didn't know how to give or recieve love. I spent a lot of time (6 years) trying to fix him, but he wouldn't be fixed so I finally left. I am now in a stable relationship that makes me feel good about who I am. I like the person I am when I am with him.

Dave has shown me that I have always had the tools to do the job, and has shown me how to use them. He does not enable my "got to fix it" compulsions. Instead, I have learned to trust myself in making those big decisions about my life.

Previously, in my life the men where all handyman specials-lots of work required!!!! Dave is a "move in now" model home!!!

Psych nursing is hard work. You need a strong support system to recharge your batteries away from work. If everyone is taking energy from you and you don't have a recharger, you can burnout fast.

Best of luck with all that you choose to do.

Every nurse I know comes from a dysfunctional family.

Specializes in cardiac/education.
Every nurse I know comes from a dysfunctional family.

...............and to think I wasn't sure nursing was for me! It's settled!!:rotfl:

My mother had five children and never raised any of them. My older sister grew up in foster homes, my older brother grew up with our grandparents, so my little brothers and I was passed around alot. This increased after my father died when I was 9. My mother decided that the drugs(any and everything) and the booze was more important than us, so we got taken away forever. So, now we are all married and doing well. We all have houses of our own and doing alot better than anyone thought we would. OB way really hard for me because dealing with the children services and the crack babies. My brother ended up with fetal alcohol syndrome, so I wanted to walk up and slam thoes mom's silly. Needless to say that is not what department of nursing I want to go into at this present time. I do agree with fellow posters that nursing lets us "dysfunctional" family members help others that maybe cannot help themselves. Congrats to others that everyone said you will end up like your family, but you prevailed, reached for the stars and showed them what you are made of in the end. :)

All of the helping professions(Medicine,Fire/Rescue,Police,Psych,Foster parenting) are filled with people who are trying to save others from suffering or protect them from harm. We spend our lives trying to save others because we could not help or protect ourselves as children. It is only unhealthy if we do not realize that we cannot save the children we were but as adults we are in charge of our lives and that asking for help is not a weakness but a healthy sign that we are taking the first steps to heal ourselves.

I went to a great class on recognizing burnout and it's causes. I learned that most of us burnout, suffer depression or become substance abusers when we subconciously realize that no matter how hard we try we cannot save the child that we were. When the speaker said that it was if he was speaking directly to me then the man sitting next to me said "wow, that is exactly how I feel."

Specializes in LTC, assisted living, med-surg, psych.

I went to a great class on recognizing burnout and it's causes. I learned that most of us burnout, suffer depression or become substance abusers when we subconciously realize that no matter how hard we try we cannot save the child that we were. When the speaker said that it was if he was speaking directly to me then the man sitting next to me said "wow, that is exactly how I feel."

WOW.

What a powerful statement that is.........I've battled alcoholism, depression AND burnout, and I never considered that angle before. How could such a simple concept have eluded me all these years?? It makes SO much sense.......I grew up in an upper-middle-class family of social climbers, in which appearances were everything. My sister and I had to always smile and keep our mouths shut and look attractive to impress the folks who were another rung higher on the socioeconomic ladder; she was quiet and well-mannered, while I found the road to ladyhood hard. I was too loud, too clumsy, too defiant, and too vigorous for my mother's sensitivities, and I suffered greatly on account of that........behind closed doors, I was verbally attacked and emotionally battered, yet out in public I still had to pretend everything was OK.

Then when I was 14, I was molested by my mother's brother, and even though she knew about it---it happened practically under her nose!---she made him my guardian in case something happened to her and Daddy. That was when I really rebelled for the first time in my life: I told them, "There is NO WAY I will live with that man, I'll run away and let them put me in Juvenile Hall before I'll ever spend a night under his roof!"

Well, the potential humiliation of their daughter ending up in Juvie was evidently more than my mother could take, so she ended up choosing an elderly friend of hers to take care of me and Uncle would keep an eye on the finances. I didn't care about the money......and it still angers me to this day to know that a threat to her posthumous social standing was the deciding factor in changing the will, rather than my personal safety.

Anyway, to get back to the original thought: I'm absolutely floored by this theory, and I'm going to be pondering that for some time to come. Thank you for sharing it, hollyster!

I believe that as many in this thread have responded, it is the backgrounds that we come from that lead us into this profession. To save others from the harm we have experienced or to help heal those that have not escaped it.

Very thoughtful post!

As Freud said "if it's not one thing it's your mother". Yes I arrived here today after a long ride on the crazy train but I gave up my dysfunctional family and choose to not buy into any of the dysfunction any longer. I refuse to get in the middle of asinine arguments, I refuse to be meek, I refuse to allow anyone to treat me like the small helpless child I once was. My mother will never admit what she did to me, she will never apologize for her sickening deeds and substandard parenting and she never will. I see her for what she is, ignorant, stubborn, mean, and probably the unhappiest person I have ever known. To allow her any control over my thoughts, beliefs, or actions now is senseless and I refuse to feed the beast. I choose to be a strong person, with the ability to be responsible for my thoughts and actions. I have been able to decipherer true beliefs from the false perceptions of an abused child, and with the truth is how I will continue to move forward positively.

Did I go into nursing because I feel the need to comfort others because of my own abuse? Yes and no, I went into nursing because I learned at a very young age that if I cared for myself, if I spoke through my emotions with myself, if I could comfort myself then I could make a bad situation better, and after all the years of experience I have become really good at it. I cannot save everyone, but I can always be a positive, strong, and honest presence to others.

Specializes in Psych.

Hi,

Just want to say first of all, thank you everyone who has responded to my post. Been reading through them carefully this morning! I think it is remarkable that people can come together and share ideas and experiences like this. Thank you to all who have shared your personal experiences! I know it is not easy stuff to talk about.....

I wanted to say also, of course all families have some dysfunction. And of course some families are more dysfunctional than others...both comments from other posters earlier on in this sequence. Totally agree. I'm new to this whole online forum thing, and it is difficult to come up the right words and questions sometimes. I've been looking at other threads that discuss why nurses become nurses. Many, many people say it's because they want to help people- which makes sense! Being a human being, I think most people really do want to help other people- contrary to what we see on the nightly news! It is the right thing to do! And as another poster said- what profession doesn't serve people, even if it is in a small way?

I've just been thinking about why I want to be a nurse. My reasons are complex and many, as I am sure everyone's are. A fascination with the biological sciences, financial stability, job security, and wanting to help others by contributing to their health and well being. I just know for me, coming from an abusive and dysfunctional background completely informed that decision. I guess I've just been looking into that impulse of why I want to help people. Aside from it being the just or moral thing to do...(which I am not discounting)!

So naturally I just wondered how many other people there were out there that also came from abusive backgrounds felt the same way.

It's not something you really get to talk about that often with people. There is a time and a place- not light or easy conversation! My background/ family is not something I discuss with everyone!(Just anonymously on this forum-haha!) As a student who is still working on pre reqs and battling waitists, you don't really talk about that sort of thing with fellow students too much.We're all too freaked about the upcoming A&P test, etc!

This is too long already- wish I could respond to everyone individually-

again thanks to ALL for contributing your thoughts!

-Jennifer

Those who know me here know I also am a survivor of an alcholic/addicted dysfunctional family, like so many other nurses I know.

I went to ACOA meetings in my 20's and thought I had enough insight to live my life unscathed by my past. Funny thing, it comes back when you least expect it! We subconsciously can recreate the chaos from our past, as well as repeat the mistakes of our family of origin.

After 28 years as a nurse I burned out and typical of me, I didn't do it quietly, I had a full bown panic attack...at work of all things. I knew I was unhappy because of 'dumps' at shift change, and had put my notice in 11 days earlier. But like the 'savior' I was, I got talked into an extra shift and went in exhausted...came in to a really bad 'dump' situation I could not handle and VOILA! PANIC! I didn't know what it was at that time (thought I was having a heart attack or stroke) but I'm now seeing a counselor and am taking Zoloft for depression/anxiety and Elavil for sleep.

I walked out that day and didn't followup with the hospital, so probably have a bad reference. Perhaps subconsciously I have self sabotaged to get some help for myself.

My nursing career never helped me nurture myself...it DID to me resemble the childhood experience of never beeing good enough, never giving enough, scapegoat role(I was also the family scapegoat). I was addicted to it, and kept trying to 'fix' situations that are unfixable in healthcare. I was a 'savior' on the job just like I was a 'savior' at home as a child. I found myself obsessing about the abuses nurses are exposed to particularly the doctors (authority figures) I rebelled against them like I did my unsupportive parents. When I paniced at work it WAS my inner child screaming "I'm only a little girl, I can't save everyone, I'm tired , I have chronic pain, I'm stressed....and I need someone to help me". Of course I don't know HOW to ask for help and I had always been the strongest nurse so it didn't occur to anyone I might need help.

Soooo...sorry so long but everyone sharing their stories here got me writing about mine. I still feel like a nurse, but don't know if I will work as one again. In therapy we are right back to parenting my sad, hurting 'inner child'... again. ;)

Hugs to all the 'adult children' here. :)

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