Are you a nurse from a dysfunctional family?

[jenpstudentrn]

Hi,

This is something I have been curious about for a while. I know there must be nurses out there who come from dysfunctional families...

What I mean by "dysfunctional" is the following: growing up in a household where you have been neglected or abused by your immediate family and/or were raised in a family where drug addiction, mental illness were common. Here is an abbreviated synopsis of my experience: my mother has suffered from clinical depression since she was a teenager, my father has a gambling addiction and has caused my family to declare bankruptcy, my brother is a drug addict (heroin) who lives with my parents who enable him, and my sister also suffers from clinical depression and anxiety-she tried to commit suicide last year.

I moved away from my family years ago. I have been depression and med free for a number of years now.

I have often wondered: how many people out there in nursing, a profession where your job is to care for other people, and often to empower patients/clients with the ability to care for themselves- have come from backgrounds where they did not receive adequate care, encouragement from their families? Where you had to largely teach yourself how to properly care for and nurture yourself?

If you experienced an abusive/ neglected upbringing- do you feel it influenced you to become a nurse?

Do you think your experiences have helped or hindered you?

Do you often have to check yourself because there is a fine line between caregiving and caretaking ?

At this point, I am a student, and I am leaning towards psychiatric nursing as a speciality. I know that this is because of my personal experiences with my family, and my own struggles with mental illness. I already know more about meds, diagnoses, and treatments than the average person! (Ha ha)

Any feedback would be appreciated!

Thanks,

Jennifer

[ICor9:24]

Thank you.

People have asked me why I chose to go into nursing. I never really had a great answer. It wasn't something I always wanted to do... it just kinda creeped up on me one day!

And thinking about it from this perspective makes perfect sense. My mom is an alcoholic/addict, and has spent my life destroying both of our lives. She has done everything from "running away" and pawning everything we owned (which wasn't alot) and leaving me to come home and find an empty house at the ago of 9 or so.... to getting in knock down drag out fights with me, hitting and punching and kicking me. She used to put me in the car in the middle of the night, she would make me get in the back seat and cover me up with blankets, so she could go buy drugs. Ugghhh. I am 26 now, and she is still on the path of destruction. I haven't talked to her or seen her for 2 yrs now, and she only lives about 20 miles from me. I finally had to just totally remove myself from her. I have felt more "mentally healthy" now, than I ever have. She is a very toxic person, and I get myself so wrapped and twisted in her that I can't find myself. It's been so easy to just completely wash my hands of her. I know people will say "but she is your mom".. but when I honestly thnk about my entire childhood, I realize that she was never much of a PARENT. There a blurbs and snapshots of her loving me, but mostly 99% of what I remember is being abused, neglected, mentally abused, physically, and she put me in situations that lead to more and more abuse. ANYONE unfortunately can birth a child, but it takes a whole differant kind of person to be a PARENT! (I still say that you should have to have a license to have a child! They should make you take a test or something! I mean my god, you have to have a license to FISH, HUNT, DRIVE, even sell stuff on the side of the road, but ANY YAHOO BOZO can have a kid!!!!) :chuckle

Anyway,

I honestly never put the two together, my screwed up childhood, and my desire for nursing. The oppurtunity to help those that need and might actually want help, may just be the underlying theme here. Having control in situations where we have been powerless for our entire lives is HUGE. Thank you for helping me to make the connection. It's funny how you can put your traumatizing childhood so far in the back of your mind... that you don't even realize how much it still drives you as a functional adult today.

[sbic56, BSN, RN]

I've yet to meet a family that is not dysfunctional. I think nurses use nursing as therapy oftentimes. It does make me feel good about my dysfunctional self to care for people, since I didn't get enough of that years ago, plus I get paid for it! Such a deal! I see alot of people in the helping professions use the jobs as an outlet for relieving their pain. Not a bad thing, it beats being angry, but of course it doesn't cure the problems, so we drink or drug and/or get depressed or become compulsive in some manner, because deep down we are still at least a little bit angry.

I think the best part for me was when I realized my parents, especially mom who, of course, I blamed most, did their best at the time and didn't really set out to make me miserable on some days when I was 49. Both of my parents died a few years apart 10 years ago, so it made it easier to forgive, I think. Lots of times, I 'd like to be able to talk with them, defective as they were. I hope my kids will feel the same about me.

[OntCaRPN]

Amen to the 'good daughter' thing. I fully realize that, now, I'm trying to be good daughter to hundreds of patients instead of just my parents :)

What ever part that had in my decision to become a nurse .... I'm good at it now. I love it. I'm thankful everyday that I was able to channel my upbringing into something productive. I have a wonderful husband, great kids and I have employment that suits me well.

Considering where I came from ...it certainly could have turned out worse.

[STBCooperRN]

i'm currently in the middle of separating myself from my immediate family. i have a younger brother and don't/want to have a relationship with him. i feel like i raised him when we were younger. my parents were so wrapped up into themselves and what they wanted and didn't have. my parents were/are poor. they manipulated people into giving them money. they would lie to get it.

my father is an alcoholic and my mother is so negative and such a downer-nothing will ever make her happy. when my brother and i were younger, i excelled in school/academics, art, music, dance, etc...the artsy stuff. my brother was the borne athlete. i too was athletic but only in the sense of dance, cheerleading, running, and swimming. my brother was revered a god. he was the end all be all of parental pride.

if he got a c they would praise him. i was expected to get straight a's and if i didn't i was grounded for months at a time. i got accepted into college and was told that i wasn't going to make it and they weren't going to send me money. i had to visit schools on my own or with my friends and their parents.

i was always left to do things on my own. i had to have a job in high school. my days consisted of going to school, coming home and cleaning the whole house, going to my part time job, coming home and studying and doing homework until about 12-1am. my father didn't feel that my mom and brother needed to do housework because she worked late and he played sports.

i stupidly co-signed for a car loan for my brother and now i'm taking him to court to garnish his wages. my parents have told me it's my fault that he defaulted on the loan. they feel sorry for him now that he doesn't have his car. he owes me $10,000 but they feel sorry for him?!?! :angryfire

i've stopped talking with them all and don't want to be bothered by them any more. they all used me for money, took money from me, used my name and credit to get cable and bank accounts. now at the age of 27 i'm just now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with my credit.

i'm getting married to the most amazing person god could have blessed me to spend the rest of my life with. he and i are so connected on so many levels and he supports me and encourages me in everything i do, i'm so grateful. i'm not sure i want my family there at the wedding? i'm still trying to get through the hurt and pain of being treated like i never mattered. the one thing i'm grateful for is by them treating me that way, i'm the strongest person i know. i've lived out on my own for 5 years and have never failed and gone back home. i have a very good paying job with 2 doctors without a degree. this has helped me support myself without any help from others. that's empowerment to me. i know it'll take me a long time to 'get over' this. i have dreams about my parents and i arguing.

it'll be good in the end. i know i can do it.

[SmilingBluEyes]

Nursing is NOT answer to "healing the inner child" in us. Believe me when I say that because it is the truth.

Above all else: Be honest with yourself. If that is what you are trying to do, (healing your inner child by nurturing others)--- get professional help instead. It is not the answer, not in the long run. You will only lose yourself in the process. I have learned this lesson the hard way.

[Tweety, BSN, RN]

Deb, I think perhaps subconsciously speaking some people might go into nursing to "heal their inner child".

But to consciously make a decision to go into nursing to heal the inner child is a mistake as you point out.

I think many of us want to treat others better than we've been treated in our lives and it's might be part of the process of healing ourselves. It helps to stop the cycle from generation to generation. I don't know, just talking off the top of my head.

Counseling is definately a good idea for those of us who have grown up in such tulmultous households. I know I needed it. :)

[leslie :-D]

i think on a sub-conscious level that nsg can compensate for the injured child from within.

afterall, who's in a better position to understanding suffering/pain than those who have experienced it personally?

so while it may not 'heal' per se, you do end up treating those pts.the way you would have wanted to be treated.

and that is a very gratifying feeling, to know how much you have helped someone and can feel the depths of their gratitude.

imo, it is those who have suffered are the ones who are extra skilled at all the psychosocial issues that arise in nsg. just my .02.

leslie

[mattsmom81]

It seems fashionable today to claim you're from a 'dysfunctional family' and sometimes those from different, outside the norm, or eccentric families laugh and say 'Ya, I have a dysfunctional family too.'

Those of us here who grew up in abusive homes with drug and ETOH addicted parents homes know the worst of the worst meaning of dysfunctional.

One way or another we all deal with the results of what happened to us as children. It rears its ugly head when we least expect it doesn't it.

[catsen]

Hi,

This is something I have been curious about for a while. I know there must be nurses out there who come from dysfunctional families...

What I mean by "dysfunctional" is the following: growing up in a household where you have been neglected or abused by your immediate family and/or were raised in a family where drug addiction, mental illness were common. Here is an abbreviated synopsis of my experience: my mother has suffered from clinical depression since she was a teenager, my father has a gambling addiction and has caused my family to declare bankruptcy, my brother is a drug addict (heroin) who lives with my parents who enable him, and my sister also suffers from clinical depression and anxiety-she tried to commit suicide last year.

I moved away from my family years ago. I have been depression and med free for a number of years now.

I have often wondered: how many people out there in nursing, a profession where your job is to care for other people, and often to empower patients/clients with the ability to care for themselves- have come from backgrounds where they did not receive adequate care, encouragement from their families? Where you had to largely teach yourself how to properly care for and nurture yourself?

If you experienced an abusive/ neglected upbringing- do you feel it influenced you to become a nurse?

Do you think your experiences have helped or hindered you?

Do you often have to check yourself because there is a fine line between caregiving and caretaking ?

At this point, I am a student, and I am leaning towards psychiatric nursing as a speciality. I know that this is because of my personal experiences with my family, and my own struggles with mental illness. I already know more about meds, diagnoses, and treatments than the average person! (Ha ha)

Any feedback would be appreciated!

Thanks,

Jennifer

I would be more amazed to her that there are nurses who came from supposedly functional/ (non dysfunctional) families. What does that look like? You are not unique except for the label you have placed on yourself. I also come from a really rough background. I though a college education would raise me out of the craziness - found out people are crazy everywhere, and at every education/ professional level. Celebrate your own craziness. This is makes us who we are.

[bored]

first of all i have to say well done for surviving through what must have been a tough time. your story has shown me that it wasnt so tough for me after all, but then there is always someone out there who has or had it worse. you should be aware (though it sounds like you are) that we have to always take care of ourselves, nursing is the type of profession where we are always giving and sometimes we need to take. i fin that my out of work time is very important. i have a wonderful family two boys and a girl and a fantastic partner. it took me a while to find the right man and that was a s aresult of my childhood and then the breakdown of two marriages which left me scarred and scared. be easy on yourself and find a healthy release from work pressures. mental health nursing sounds good for you you will be able to give genuine empathy for those suffering. saty tough

[homehealth]

Hi,

This is something I have been curious about for a while. I know there must be nurses out there who come from dysfunctional families...

What I mean by "dysfunctional" is the following: growing up in a household where you have been neglected or abused by your immediate family and/or were raised in a family where drug addiction, mental illness were common. Here is an abbreviated synopsis of my experience: my mother has suffered from clinical depression since she was a teenager, my father has a gambling addiction and has caused my family to declare bankruptcy, my brother is a drug addict (heroin) who lives with my parents who enable him, and my sister also suffers from clinical depression and anxiety-she tried to commit suicide last year.

I moved away from my family years ago. I have been depression and med free for a number of years now.

I have often wondered: how many people out there in nursing, a profession where your job is to care for other people, and often to empower patients/clients with the ability to care for themselves- have come from backgrounds where they did not receive adequate care, encouragement from their families? Where you had to largely teach yourself how to properly care for and nurture yourself?

If you experienced an abusive/ neglected upbringing- do you feel it influenced you to become a nurse?

Do you think your experiences have helped or hindered you?

Do you often have to check yourself because there is a fine line between caregiving and caretaking ?

At this point, I am a student, and I am leaning towards psychiatric nursing as a speciality. I know that this is because of my personal experiences with my family, and my own struggles with mental illness. I already know more about meds, diagnoses, and treatments than the average person! (Ha ha)

Any feedback would be appreciated!

Thanks,

Jennifer

I came from a very dysfunctional family. My mother was a nurse too and her family was dysfunctional also. I think I have finally broken the cycle. My son is not depressed or into drugs or any acting out behaviour. I have had a lot of counseling and now can say I have left my childhood behind. My son is in college to become a high school teacher of biology and Spanish. He loves the medical world but feels he will make more of a contribution teaching high school. My husband is very dysfunctional but I know pretty much how to handle our relationship. I work in home health and see many examples of people who have not risen out of dysfunction. And it seems many nurses I know come from dysfunctional families. There must be a connection between being a caregiver and coming from a dysfunctional family. I know that it is possible to rise above your childhood and break the cycle if you want it bad enough. I feel I am a better nurse for having overcome my dysfunctions. It is almost impossible not to use psych nursing in any field you choose. Your experiences will make you a much better nurse. True caring comes from deep within but don't let yourself get lost because of your patient's problems. Good luck in your nursing carrer.

[Nancy428]

Hi,

This is something I have been curious about for a while. I know there must be nurses out there who come from dysfunctional families...

What I mean by "dysfunctional" is the following: growing up in a household where you have been neglected or abused by your immediate family and/or were raised in a family where drug addiction, mental illness were common. Here is an abbreviated synopsis of my experience: my mother has suffered from clinical depression since she was a teenager, my father has a gambling addiction and has caused my family to declare bankruptcy, my brother is a drug addict (heroin) who lives with my parents who enable him, and my sister also suffers from clinical depression and anxiety-she tried to commit suicide last year.

I moved away from my family years ago. I have been depression and med free for a number of years now.

I have often wondered: how many people out there in nursing, a profession where your job is to care for other people, and often to empower patients/clients with the ability to care for themselves- have come from backgrounds where they did not receive adequate care, encouragement from their families? Where you had to largely teach yourself how to properly care for and nurture yourself?

If you experienced an abusive/ neglected upbringing- do you feel it influenced you to become a nurse?

Do you think your experiences have helped or hindered you?

Do you often have to check yourself because there is a fine line between caregiving and caretaking ?

At this point, I am a student, and I am leaning towards psychiatric nursing as a speciality. I know that this is because of my personal experiences with my family, and my own struggles with mental illness. I already know more about meds, diagnoses, and treatments than the average person! (Ha ha)

Any feedback would be appreciated!

Thanks,

Jennifer

Yes,my father was an alcoholic,and my mother had depression...been there done that...but I'm still here...and love the work I do,as a CNA,going for my LVN.But,everyone has some dysfunction in their family,they just don't talk about it.Just think..there are alot of people out there with worse situations,and alot more problems. :)