This is something I have been curious about for a while. I know there must be nurses out there who come from dysfunctional families...
What I mean by "dysfunctional" is the following: growing up in a household where you have been neglected or abused by your immediate family and/or were raised in a family where drug addiction, mental illness were common. Here is an abbreviated synopsis of my experience: my mother has suffered from clinical depression since she was a teenager, my father has a gambling addiction and has caused my family to declare bankruptcy, my brother is a drug addict (heroin) who lives with my parents who enable him, and my sister also suffers from clinical depression and anxiety-she tried to commit suicide last year.
I moved away from my family years ago. I have been depression and med free for a number of years now.
I have often wondered: how many people out there in nursing, a profession where your job is to care for other people, and often to empower patients/clients with the ability to care for themselves- have come from backgrounds where they did not receive adequate care, encouragement from their families? Where you had to largely teach yourself how to properly care for and nurture yourself?
If you experienced an abusive/ neglected upbringing- do you feel it influenced you to become a nurse?
Do you think your experiences have helped or hindered you?
Do you often have to check yourself because there is a fine line between caregiving and caretaking ?
At this point, I am a student, and I am leaning towards psychiatric nursing as a speciality. I know that this is because of my personal experiences with my family, and my own struggles with mental illness. I already know more about meds, diagnoses, and treatments than the average person! (Ha ha)
You need to know this. You never have to speak to her again if you don't want to. I learned this after many years of therapy. For many years I tried to keep up a relationship after so many years of her minimizing my children and accomplishments, trying in vain to keep up a mother-child bond that was never there. I cried to my therapist after trying in vain to come up and see my mother, who did not want to see me and at the time my children were her only grandchildren. My therapist turned to me and said something that changed my life. "Patti, why do you continue to try to maintain a relationship with her, when she is clearly making you miserable. Don't you know that some relationships are toxic? You never have to speak to her again, and nothing bad will happen. Your mother will never be the kind of mother you want her to be. Stop trying to make that happen, it never will." That day, I felt so good because she gave me permission to stop trying to keep up the one relationship that was destroying my self esteem. I didn't call for about 6 months. Then my mother started calling me and trying to get me to come back into the fold. I was cordial, but always too busy to come up. Now I see her on my terms, if it is convenient for me. She still drives me crazy, talking about my sisters children and my brothers children how great and talented they all are. Obviously, she never talks about me or my kids that way. So when I have had enough abuse, I take a breather and don't answer her calls, and I am so happy with the knowledge that I never have to see her again if I don't want to.
Please excuse the rant, a little off the subject, but to answer the question, I definitely think that I chose nursing because I knew that it was the one thing that she failed at (dropped out of nursing school)
Hugs, Patti
I have recently come to the conclusion that I don't have to deal with my mother if I don't want to. I usually feel horrible after I see her. Those feelings then effect my whole family, especially my husband, because he usually has to deal with my mood shift. She too is toxic. She has NOTHING good to say about anyone. She hadn't seen
my children in months until last weekend. The first thing she says about my daughter is, "Alex is getting fat." She didn't ask about her recital that happened the day before. She comment about how pretty she is becoming. She didn't make any mention about the fact that my baby made honor roll four marking periods in a row. She called her fat. Since we were at my brother's house, I grabbed my kids, along with their cousins, and we all went to my house so they could swim and play. I don't need that crap nor do my children. My parents messed their children's self-esteem up and there is now way that I will let that negativity anywhere near my precious ones.
My father has acknowledged his part in his children's problems. It was totally unexpected by greatly appreciated. He is not the kind the take responsiblity for his
actions at all.
I'm not really sure what part my upbringing plays on my decision to become a nurse. I really didn't decide to make the plunge until I had my third child. My plans weren't solidified until my nephew died and I met the most amazing nurse in the PICU. They didn't know that I was going back to school until I had already started. Surprisingly, my father has been extremely supportive. He has even footed the bill for my books a couple of times. He has become a pro at offering encouragement and praise.
Glad you're stopping to take notice of the level of dysfunction among nurses.
Alfred Kinsey's studies (and others) on people in health care professions supports your theory.
Apparently, when we "fix" (or even attempt to "fix") other peoples' problems, it helps assuage our negative feelings aout our own lives. It also is, of course, a control issue. If we cannot control our own lives, perhaps if we control the lives of others....well, you likely see where this is going.
Best to you in your pursuit of psych nursing. Beware, though, of institutions where the lines are blurred, between staff and patients. (no, I am not kidding)
..............They say the healthiest person in a family is the one to seek help first- in my family that was me- no one else has seen the need- b/c I was the one who "needed" help. The rest of my family- although I love them all- lives in blissful denial!! (same way I grew up!)
I could have wrote this myself spidermonkey. :rotfl: It's good to know that I'm "the healthiest person" in my family because I'm the one who sought help first. Actually, I'm the only one who truly knows how dysfunctional our family is since the others would rather not do anything to get over their drama. I love them though, but then...years and years of therapy freed me from the drama they still can't see past.
You sound like you grew up in my home, almost. I used to over-identify with Cinderella as a child, boy if anyone knew about backbreaking work, I sure did. Denial was my helper in high school for dealing with all of it. When I left home, and went to college, I immediately met someone I wanted to marry. (Predictably.) I did not, at that time, intend to ever speak to my family again. Five months later, he convinced me to visit, and we did.
Fast forward, 13 years later, left my husband, (took two more years to afford a divorce) living on my own with firm custody of one daughter, very little furniture and less money. I still had contact with my family and was very, very disturbed when my mom finally divorced and could not bring herself to admit anything that she or her ex husband had done was wrong.
Four years ago was the last time I saw my mom. I had lunch with her near thanksgiving, and made plans to go see her on christmas. I woke up with the flu, took my butt to work that day regardless, and haven't been able to call or visit since. For a while I didn't even know why. Sometime during OB quarter it hit me: I don't want to forgive her because she doesn't want to admit failing at a primary duty: protecting your young from harm.
It's failure if the upbringing a child is given, results in recurrent nightmares for years in the future. When you stated that you couldn't decide if inviting your family to your wedding was a good idea, I think you hit a nail on the head. I've spent months trying to decide the same thing, and wound up with this: No, I don't want to cloud that day with something unhappy. No, I'm not willing to wait to get married until I can sort this out and invite my mother. SHE allowed, and participated in, the abuse; there are consequences for our actions.
To the OP: Yes, my abusive h*llhole of a family influenced my desire to be a nurse. My mother was a nurse; I would like to be the nurse she wasn't- be happy in my career and happy in my home. I understand I can't fix the past, but I have an itch for community service, due to my background, and nursing scratches that.
It has become clear to me that I'll be seeking professional help as part of my healing process, probably in the next year or so. It's good to hear from so many others with similar problems. I never would have thought when I was 25, that denial would fail me and I'd have to actually grieve over my childhood, but I suppose the process will work itself out in the end, hopefully with a good result.
Sorry for that pain and fear that you suffered.
Your plan to grieve for your childhood and getting proffessional help.
Grew up in the south "Poor white trash". Hungry, barefoot even in winter. Looked in the dump for clothing. Abused, molested, told I was worthless. I read a lot of books to escape and there found out life could be different. Forced to go to work at age 16. Made to quit school. Later got my GED, became a paramedic and then a nurse. Had a sister who was a prostitute, three sisters with abusive husbands. Decided I would be different. I succeeded!!!
Grew up in the south "Poor white trash". Hungry, barefoot even in winter. Looked in the dump for clothing. Abused, molested, told I was worthless. I read a lot of books to escape and there found out life could be different. Forced to go to work at age 16. Made to quit school. Later got my GED, became a paramedic and then a nurse. Had a sister who was a prostitute, three sisters with abusive husbands. Decided I would be different. I succeeded!!!
Wow...I can't imagine. You are to be commended for turning your life around.
Alot of us in the medical profession come from dysfunctional families- I'd say the majority of families in general are dysfunctional- to varying degrees- & many nurses are codependent. There are alot of good books to read on the subject-- "Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie as well as her guide to the 12 Steps. My personal favorite & the one most helpful to my situation is "Never Good Enough" by Carol Cannon. Good luck to you
I really related to the 'Perfect Daughters' by Ackerman too. Sounds along the same line as 'Never Good Enough'....which is how my childhood was too.
your reply makes me laugh. they say thee healthiest person in a family is the one to seek help first- in my family that was me- no one else has seen the need- b/c i was the one who "needed" help. the rest of my family- although i love them all- lives in blissful denial!! (same way i grew up!)
when i was in my 20's and getting intensive therapy, i used to have dreams that my family was in a burning building, but they were all deaf and blind, and i was trying to haul them out! talk about an obvious dream!
my childhood was pretty bad in many ways, but as i see it now, there was a lot of good fortune in there, too. when you're in the throes of therapy or a crisis situation, you just can't see the entire picture. certainly we, as a culture, like to assign blame to parents for the problems that children have. yes, parents play a huge role in that, but so does society, in general. our justice system, advertising, different religious institutions, schools, etc. have added to the issue. i also see how difficult it was for my own parents, each having grown up in their own dysfunctional families, to parent appropriately all the time. granted, what happened to me and my siblings was, at times, absolutely criminal. there is no excuse for that. as i have gotten older, my parents have had a major turnaround in their way of thinking, and they have examined their souls. we are all better for it, despite not being able to change the past. i liken it to a broken bone - intense pain at first, beginning to heal, going through therapy, having more pain, but gradually healing. after a long while you almost forget it ever happened, but when the weather gets bad, you feel that phantom pain again, but not as intensely as the beginning.
i know i am so lucky. in fact, i think i'm one of the luckiest people i know. i've got a job i really love, wonderful friends, a home i can be proud of, and a family i love to spend time with. :)
I believe that to really begin our own healing we must forgive our familes..holding on to these bad feelings festers our souls.
I was glad I could forgive both my parents before they passed on, and my father even admitted to me he 'made a lot of mistakes' when I was young. My Mom would not admit any mistakes or shortcomings,...always changed the subject or said 'she couldn't remember' the bad times. She always blamed all her problems on us and her husband anyway. In truth, she perhaps couldn't remember a lot due to all the shock treatments she had.
God bless everyone here, and remember...we are SURVIVORS...we are tough and strong, and CAN parent ourselves and overcome the bad parenting we experienced. I once had a therapist in awe that I wasn't more psychologically damaged than I am... I just laughed and told him I was glad I had him fooled.
Children of alcoholics lie when it is just as easy to tell the truth...especially regarding their feelings, in my case...getting in touch with how I REALLY feel and sharing that has been a huge goal for me in therapy.
And as we read here, many nurses had even worse abuse situations than our own to deal with. Thanks everyone for sharing; and hope we all continue to find safe places to share, to learn and to begin healing from our destructive pasts. :)
i believe that to really begin our own healing we must forgive our familes..holding on to these bad feelings festers our souls.
i was glad i could forgive both my parents before they passed on, and my father even admitted to me he 'made a lot of mistakes' when i was young. my mom would not admit any mistakes or shortcomings,...always changed the subject or said 'she couldn't remember' the bad times. she always blamed all her problems on us and her husband anyway. in truth, she perhaps couldn't remember a lot due to all the shock treatments she had.
i think i understand what you're trying to say here, but there are some things that are unforgiveable, and i don't think anyone should have to forgive anyone - that's up to the perpetrator to forgive themself. certainly, spending all one's time in rage and blaming keeps the survivor focused on the perpetrator, but anger is a good emotion for generating energy. i wish i could stay angry long enough, and not dissolve into tears.
I believe that to really begin our own healing we must forgive our familes..holding on to these bad feelings festers our souls.
I was glad I could forgive both my parents before they passed on, and my father even admitted to me he 'made a lot of mistakes' when I was young. My Mom would not admit any mistakes or shortcomings,...always changed the subject or said 'she couldn't remember' the bad times. She always blamed all her problems on us and her husband anyway. In truth, she perhaps couldn't remember a lot due to all the shock treatments she had.
God bless everyone here, and remember...we are SURVIVORS...we are tough and strong, and CAN parent ourselves and overcome the bad parenting we experienced. I once had a therapist in awe that I wasn't more psychologically damaged than I am... I just laughed and told him I was glad I had him fooled.
Children of alcoholics lie when it is just as easy to tell the truth...especially regarding their feelings, in my case...getting in touch with how I REALLY feel and sharing that has been a huge goal for me in therapy.
And as we read here, many nurses had even worse abuse situations than our own to deal with. Thanks everyone for sharing; and hope we all continue to find safe places to share, to learn and to begin healing from our destructive pasts. :)
I never thought I would forgive my father for the abuse and putting me down all the time. He had a stroke when I first started nursing and he was in the hospital I worked at and so I was expected to visit him. Of course back then I did what was expected. I didn't want to but I did. Fast forward to 1994. I had just had a breakdown because of all the past things and my dad suffered a watershed stroke. I went to visit him and before I could go in I had to talk to the doctor because my MOM had told them I was to make the decision about life support. She knew I was in a psych unit and why I was there but still left it to me. I had a million thoughts running through my head as I went in; from REVENGE TO LAUGHING AT HIM. I saw him and thought "He is just a dying old man and he cannot hurt me anymore" I remebered that his one wish was to never have to be a vegetable. So I said to keep him comfortable and that was all. He died 2 days laters. I found out later that my MOM had told the rest of the family that I made that decision on my own and that she had nothing to do with it. Luckily I had a friend with me at the hospital so I was able to tell my sister that wasn't true. I am still glad I forgave him but I kept having dreams where I kept having to kill him over and over again and that my mom says "ssshh don't tell him he's dead"
alexillytom
291 Posts
I have recently come to the conclusion that I don't have to deal with my mother if I don't want to. I usually feel horrible after I see her. Those feelings then effect my whole family, especially my husband, because he usually has to deal with my mood shift. She too is toxic. She has NOTHING good to say about anyone. She hadn't seen
my children in months until last weekend. The first thing she says about my daughter is, "Alex is getting fat." She didn't ask about her recital that happened the day before. She comment about how pretty she is becoming. She didn't make any mention about the fact that my baby made honor roll four marking periods in a row. She called her fat. Since we were at my brother's house, I grabbed my kids, along with their cousins, and we all went to my house so they could swim and play. I don't need that crap nor do my children. My parents messed their children's self-esteem up and there is now way that I will let that negativity anywhere near my precious ones.
My father has acknowledged his part in his children's problems. It was totally unexpected by greatly appreciated. He is not the kind the take responsiblity for his
actions at all.
I'm not really sure what part my upbringing plays on my decision to become a nurse. I really didn't decide to make the plunge until I had my third child. My plans weren't solidified until my nephew died and I met the most amazing nurse in the PICU. They didn't know that I was going back to school until I had already started. Surprisingly, my father has been extremely supportive. He has even footed the bill for my books a couple of times. He has become a pro at offering encouragement and praise.