This is something I have been curious about for a while. I know there must be nurses out there who come from dysfunctional families...
What I mean by "dysfunctional" is the following: growing up in a household where you have been neglected or abused by your immediate family and/or were raised in a family where drug addiction, mental illness were common. Here is an abbreviated synopsis of my experience: my mother has suffered from clinical depression since she was a teenager, my father has a gambling addiction and has caused my family to declare bankruptcy, my brother is a drug addict (heroin) who lives with my parents who enable him, and my sister also suffers from clinical depression and anxiety-she tried to commit suicide last year.
I moved away from my family years ago. I have been depression and med free for a number of years now.
I have often wondered: how many people out there in nursing, a profession where your job is to care for other people, and often to empower patients/clients with the ability to care for themselves- have come from backgrounds where they did not receive adequate care, encouragement from their families? Where you had to largely teach yourself how to properly care for and nurture yourself?
If you experienced an abusive/ neglected upbringing- do you feel it influenced you to become a nurse?
Do you think your experiences have helped or hindered you?
Do you often have to check yourself because there is a fine line between caregiving and caretaking ?
At this point, I am a student, and I am leaning towards psychiatric nursing as a speciality. I know that this is because of my personal experiences with my family, and my own struggles with mental illness. I already know more about meds, diagnoses, and treatments than the average person! (Ha ha)
I didn't think anyone was looking at this post any more...then to find a bunch of new responses today. Cool!
A few people have asked what is normal/ functional? I don't think that there is such thing as a "normal" family anymore...maybe there never was! But I DO think there is such a thing as HEALTHY behavior in families- even though I have also said that every family has it's dysfunctional behavior.
I rarely observe healthy behavior in my own family- mostly seen it in the families of friends. I tend to end up dating men who come from very supportive families. My current boyfriend's family is no exception! They are wonderful people.
This is what I think is healthy: parents who respect their children as intellegent individuals, who support their children- EMOTIONAL support being paramount--parent's who ENCOURAGE their children. Parents who have healthy boundaries with their children (for example,would never suggest the following : "We can't deal with your heroin addict brother any more...why don't you let him come live with YOU." !?!) Parents who lead by example- they don't abuse themselves or their spouse/ partner.
And as many of you have stated in this and other posts- OF COURSE there are nurses from healthy families- nurses are diverse!
Yes, I do. The sad part was that my mom kept insisting that the family was "perfect." Funny what a large dose of denial will do for you.
My sibs and I have a family motto (author unknown): "We put the FUN back in dysfunctional."
Needless to say, drives mom nuts, but makes all of us feel good, warm and fuzzy all over.:chuckle
SJ
I do have a TShirt that says "I put the FUN in DysFUNctional". I wear it proudly. We have all become Psychoanalysts, instead of appreciating the diversity among human beings, we judge everyone's behavior constantly. Kinda sad
This is something I have been curious about for a while. I know there must be nurses out there who come from dysfunctional families...
What I mean by "dysfunctional" is the following: growing up in a household where you have been neglected or abused by your immediate family and/or were raised in a family where drug addiction, mental illness were common. Here is an abbreviated synopsis of my experience: my mother has suffered from clinical depression since she was a teenager, my father has a gambling addiction and has caused my family to declare bankruptcy, my brother is a drug addict (heroin) who lives with my parents who enable him, and my sister also suffers from clinical depression and anxiety-she tried to commit suicide last year.
I moved away from my family years ago. I have been depression and med free for a number of years now.
I have often wondered: how many people out there in nursing, a profession where your job is to care for other people, and often to empower patients/clients with the ability to care for themselves- have come from backgrounds where they did not receive adequate care, encouragement from their families? Where you had to largely teach yourself how to properly care for and nurture yourself?
If you experienced an abusive/ neglected upbringing- do you feel it influenced you to become a nurse?
Do you think your experiences have helped or hindered you?
Do you often have to check yourself because there is a fine line between caregiving and caretaking ?
At this point, I am a student, and I am leaning towards psychiatric nursing as a speciality. I know that this is because of my personal experiences with my family, and my own struggles with mental illness. I already know more about meds, diagnoses, and treatments than the average person! (Ha ha)
Any feedback would be appreciated!
Thanks,
Jennifer
Alot of us in the medical profession come from dysfunctional families- I'd say the majority of families in general are dysfunctional- to varying degrees- & many nurses are codependent. There are alot of good books to read on the subject-- "Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie as well as her guide to the 12 Steps. My personal favorite & the one most helpful to my situation is "Never Good Enough" by Carol Cannon. Good luck to you
Funny but not so funny. I was seeing a therapist one time for depression. She asked me if my family was in therapy. I broke out laughing and said "no, they are all too busy going nuts."
Your reply makes me laugh. They say the healthiest person in a family is the one to seek help first- in my family that was me- no one else has seen the need- b/c I was the one who "needed" help. The rest of my family- although I love them all- lives in blissful denial!! (same way I grew up!)
This is something I have been curious about for a while. I know there must be nurses out there who come from dysfunctional families...
What I mean by "dysfunctional" is the following: growing up in a household where you have been neglected or abused by your immediate family and/or were raised in a family where drug addiction, mental illness were common. Here is an abbreviated synopsis of my experience: my mother has suffered from clinical depression since she was a teenager, my father has a gambling addiction and has caused my family to declare bankruptcy, my brother is a drug addict (heroin) who lives with my parents who enable him, and my sister also suffers from clinical depression and anxiety-she tried to commit suicide last year.
I moved away from my family years ago. I have been depression and med free for a number of years now.
I have often wondered: how many people out there in nursing, a profession where your job is to care for other people, and often to empower patients/clients with the ability to care for themselves- have come from backgrounds where they did not receive adequate care, encouragement from their families? Where you had to largely teach yourself how to properly care for and nurture yourself?
If you experienced an abusive/ neglected upbringing- do you feel it influenced you to become a nurse?
Do you think your experiences have helped or hindered you?
Do you often have to check yourself because there is a fine line between caregiving and caretaking ?
At this point, I am a student, and I am leaning towards psychiatric nursing as a speciality. I know that this is because of my personal experiences with my family, and my own struggles with mental illness. I already know more about meds, diagnoses, and treatments than the average person! (Ha ha)
Any feedback would be appreciated!
Thanks,
Jennifer
I am a survivor of childhood sexual, mental and physical abuse. My father was my abuser. I feel my mother holds as much responsibility as she knew
and did nothing. I think in the beginning she tried and he beat her, so she
quit trying. I still grieve for all that was lost in my child hood and probably always will, but I have come to a place where I not only accept
my past, but embrace it because it has made me who I am. I can not change
it. Would I if I could? In a heart beat! I grew up in fear. Fear he would
come after me, fear he would find me, fear I might do or say something to
make him angry. Of course in reality it wasn't anything I did, it was him.
As an adult I've been able to seek couseling and have learned to see the
bigger picture. He was a child of abuse also. He was doing what he learned.
And from what I've been able to piece together his mother was a doosey.
She chased my Aunt around the basement with a coal shovel because
she was so bold as to tie a pretty scarf around her neck before leaving for
school. My Aunt says my Grandmother would bring the shovel up and slam
it down with all her might, each time barely missing my Aunt. Scarey.
So I see the bigger picture now, however that is no excuse for what he
did to me or the rest of my siblings. It just helps to understand somewhat.
Do I think it influenced my decision to become a nurse? Certainly. I think
it is where my compassion and nurturing comes from.
I was well feed and clothed and had shelter, for which I am soooo thankful,
but I was never nurtured, loved, encouaged, etc. etc. The beatings were
not frequent, but often and severe enough that you lived in fear until the next
one occured. If I wet my pants during a beating, which I probably usually did,
I was belittled for it...humilitated. I always secretly wanted to beat the ****
out of him.....just once! : ) Well I better not ramble on.
Specializes in Med-Surg, Geriatric, Behavioral Health.
I have to agree...many of us folks in the health care field enter it because of past dysfunctional experiences due to family. I agree also, nursing is not the place to heal our inner child, although many of us may have tried. I, like others here, have come from a dysfunctional family. But, like many of us, it is not by choice...you are just born into it. But also, most families have dysfunction...the difference is in degree of dysfunction and how that family copes with it. There is no perfect family. In fact, if a family states that they are perfect, my eyebrows go up automatically and the thought "Hmmmm" pops into my head. I live 200 miles from my family currently. I love them dearly. But, I need my distance. Never was an issue for me until a lot of stress, beyond my control, overwhelmed me and I developed PTSD later in my life. I used to be a high achiever...my way of coping, getting my needs met. However, when the stress packed on, achievement could no longer hold me up. I crashed and burned...badly. My ex-wife was from a dysfunctional family, very shamed based. Her grandfather was an alcoholic who died when my wife was but a child. Of course, I never met him, but I could see the ripple effects from that man as it impacted her family. Alcoholism was never mentioned regarding him, but that family carried the after-effects long after he died. Just before I divorced in 2003, my soon to be ex-wife just got confirmation from her mother that her grandfather was a flaming alcoholic in his day. I told my wife then, I was not surprised at all and could have told her that 10 years ago. When you are in a dysfunctional family, often you live in denial and can't/refuse to see it....but, others can. My wife and I still divorced of course, much because I couldn't "high achieve" like I used to because I was going through my own bout of PTSD and depression at the time and the shame it caused her and her mother (mom was very narcissistic and controlling and wife codependent). Sadly, I had to recover on my own. I think the divorce, again sad to say, was the best thing for me at the time, which sped up my progress...getting out of that house. High achievement for me was my way of denial...it kept me from addressing my issues from back when. I really think it led up to my crashing later on in my life because I was going to prove to myself, my family and my wife that I rose above the muck of my historical family...but, without working on it or through it...I failed as it proved itself. I am not proud of any of this, but, I am not necessarily ashamed. It happened. Crashing and burning wasn't something I chose. I never chose to be a failure or a loser, quite the contrary. But, it has taken me awhile to learn "to stop and smell the roses" and to feel OK with it. It is taking me awhile still to accept what happened to me. It is still hard to trust again, especially when my partner of many years left me standing to deal with it by myself... in a way, breaking my trust as a partner. Often, the road to recovery is a lonely road one must walk...but, it is a walk one must travel any way.
Mom and her side of the family are extremely dysfunctional. It's been a struggle to recover from things in childhood, to the point i'll never speak to her again after the crap she put me through for her own benefit.
My "Sociology of the Marriages and Family" professor put this into the bright light of day within the first month of class and it changed my personal perspective on my own family.
Many families have lots that is expected of them and many also have little training to do it, such as:
Provide food, emotional security, nurturance for each member, financial support of each member and guide and tutor each member, provide shelter, entertain, provide spiritual guidance, educate each member and more.
The list is pretty comprehensive and yet, families are expected to do all these things while they themselves are struggling with their own needs and the short day while trying to work for their own surivival, manage their own daily activities and the logistics...and that would be in a high-functioning family.
Now, let alone that 3/4 of families are not at that supreme level of high functioning. Is it any wonder that families cannot provide all they need to for the members and children? No it really isn't. Some are way more tragic or extreme than others though but, if only 1/4 of all families are the considered "normal" than maybe we all ought to bring our own expectations up to reality.
Anyhow, this really helped me to see how overburdened my parents where with thier own needs and personal problems that they were trying to deal with while trying to raise three kids, keep a house, run the household and both of them worked.
We put a lot of demands on our families and leave it to them to do all the things for thier members, of course, we claim that we want it that way, right? I mean, "no one" is going to tell us how to raise OUR children...
Good post Jen, its true, the Normal household is really rare.
i'm currently in the middle of separating myself from my immediate family. i have a younger brother and don't/want to have a relationship with him. i feel like i raised him when we were younger. my parents were so wrapped up into themselves and what they wanted and didn't have. my parents were/are poor. they manipulated people into giving them money. they would lie to get it.
my father is an alcoholic and my mother is so negative and such a downer-nothing will ever make her happy. when my brother and i were younger, i excelled in school/academics, art, music, dance, etc...the artsy stuff. my brother was the borne athlete. i too was athletic but only in the sense of dance, cheerleading, running, and swimming. my brother was revered a god. he was the end all be all of parental pride.
if he got a c they would praise him. i was expected to get straight a's and if i didn't i was grounded for months at a time. i got accepted into college and was told that i wasn't going to make it and they weren't going to send me money. i had to visit schools on my own or with my friends and their parents.
i was always left to do things on my own. i had to have a job in high school. my days consisted of going to school, coming home and cleaning the whole house, going to my part time job, coming home and studying and doing homework until about 12-1am. my father didn't feel that my mom and brother needed to do housework because she worked late and he played sports.
i stupidly co-signed for a car loan for my brother and now i'm taking him to court to garnish his wages. my parents have told me it's my fault that he defaulted on the loan. they feel sorry for him now that he doesn't have his car. he owes me $10,000 but they feel sorry for him?!?! :angryfire
i've stopped talking with them all and don't want to be bothered by them any more. they all used me for money, took money from me, used my name and credit to get cable and bank accounts. now at the age of 27 i'm just now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with my credit.
i'm getting married to the most amazing person god could have blessed me to spend the rest of my life with. he and i are so connected on so many levels and he supports me and encourages me in everything i do, i'm so grateful. i'm not sure i want my family there at the wedding? i'm still trying to get through the hurt and pain of being treated like i never mattered. the one thing i'm grateful for is by them treating me that way, i'm the strongest person i know. i've lived out on my own for 5 years and have never failed and gone back home. i have a very good paying job with 2 doctors without a degree. this has helped me support myself without any help from others. that's empowerment to me. i know it'll take me a long time to 'get over' this. i have dreams about my parents and i arguing.
it'll be good in the end. i know i can do it.
you sound like you grew up in my home, almost. i used to over-identify with cinderella as a child, boy if anyone knew about backbreaking work, i sure did. denial was my helper in high school for dealing with all of it. when i left home, and went to college, i immediately met someone i wanted to marry. (predictably.) i did not, at that time, intend to ever speak to my family again. five months later, he convinced me to visit, and we did.
fast forward, 13 years later, left my husband, (took two more years to afford a divorce) living on my own with firm custody of one daughter, very little furniture and less money. i still had contact with my family and was very, very disturbed when my mom finally divorced and could not bring herself to admit anything that she or her ex husband had done was wrong.
four years ago was the last time i saw my mom. i had lunch with her near thanksgiving, and made plans to go see her on christmas. i woke up with the flu, took my butt to work that day regardless, and haven't been able to call or visit since. for a while i didn't even know why. sometime during ob quarter it hit me: i don't want to forgive her because she doesn't want to admit failing at a primary duty: protecting your young from harm.
it's failure if the upbringing a child is given, results in recurrent nightmares for years in the future. when you stated that you couldn't decide if inviting your family to your wedding was a good idea, i think you hit a nail on the head. i've spent months trying to decide the same thing, and wound up with this: no, i don't want to cloud that day with something unhappy. no, i'm not willing to wait to get married until i can sort this out and invite my mother. she allowed, and participated in, the abuse; there are consequences for our actions.
to the op: yes, my abusive h*llhole of a family influenced my desire to be a nurse. my mother was a nurse; i would like to be the nurse she wasn't- be happy in my career and happy in my home. i understand i can't fix the past, but i have an itch for community service, due to my background, and nursing scratches that.
it has become clear to me that i'll be seeking professional help as part of my healing process, probably in the next year or so. it's good to hear from so many others with similar problems. i never would have thought when i was 25, that denial would fail me and i'd have to actually grieve over my childhood, but i suppose the process will work itself out in the end, hopefully with a good result.
You need to know this. You never have to speak to her again if you don't want to. I learned this after many years of therapy. For many years I tried to keep up a relationship after so many years of her minimizing my children and accomplishments, trying in vain to keep up a mother-child bond that was never there. I cried to my therapist after trying in vain to come up and see my mother, who did not want to see me and at the time my children were her only grandchildren. My therapist turned to me and said something that changed my life. "Patti, why do you continue to try to maintain a relationship with her, when she is clearly making you miserable. Don't you know that some relationships are toxic? You never have to speak to her again, and nothing bad will happen. Your mother will never be the kind of mother you want her to be. Stop trying to make that happen, it never will." That day, I felt so good because she gave me permission to stop trying to keep up the one relationship that was destroying my self esteem. I didn't call for about 6 months. Then my mother started calling me and trying to get me to come back into the fold. I was cordial, but always too busy to come up. Now I see her on my terms, if it is convenient for me. She still drives me crazy, talking about my sisters children and my brothers children how great and talented they all are. Obviously, she never talks about me or my kids that way. So when I have had enough abuse, I take a breather and don't answer her calls, and I am so happy with the knowledge that I never have to see her again if I don't want to.
Please excuse the rant, a little off the subject, but to answer the question, I definitely think that I chose nursing because I knew that it was the one thing that she failed at (dropped out of nursing school)
Specializes in Happily semi-retired; excited for the whole whammy.
Hello Jenpstudentrn,
My "Sociology of the Marriages and Family" professor put this into the bright light of day within the first month of class and it changed my personal perspective on my own family.
Many families have lots that is expected of them and many also have little training to do it, such as:
Provide food, emotional security, nurturance for each member, financial support of each member and guide and tutor each member, provide shelter, entertain, provide spiritual guidance, educate each member and more.
The list is pretty comprehensive and yet, families are expected to do all these things while they themselves are struggling with their own needs and the short day while trying to work for their own surivival, manage their own daily activities and the logistics...and that would be in a high-functioning family.
Now, let alone that 3/4 of families are not at that supreme level of high functioning. Is it any wonder that families cannot provide all they need to for the members and children? No it really isn't. Some are way more tragic or extreme than others though but, if only 1/4 of all families are the considered "normal" than maybe we all ought to bring our own expectations up to reality.
Anyhow, this really helped me to see how overburdened my parents where with thier own needs and personal problems that they were trying to deal with while trying to raise three kids, keep a house, run the household and both of them worked.
We put a lot of demands on our families and leave it to them to do all the things for thier members, of course, we claim that we want it that way, right? I mean, "no one" is going to tell us how to raise OUR children...
Good post Jen, its true, the Normal household is really rare.
Gen
My parents had their failings, as do I. I do believe that they did the best they could do, though, so I guess that is why I have been able to forgive and move on. OTOH, I was never subjected to extreme abuse of any kind or any sexual abuse at all, just a Dad who would rather go to the bar than come home, a Mom who kept reproducing "accidentally" and the subsequent financial and emotional consequences. Plus, both of my parents expressed regret and asked forgiveness (my Dad died 13 years ago), and again, that makes a huge difference in the ability to heal, I think. I hope that when my son looks back as an adult at his childhood, the failings he thinks of won't be that he felt unloved or unwanted. He'll probably remember me as being overprotective, somewhat flaky, and given to anxiety. I can live with those memories, as long as he also realizes that there isn't a sacrifice I wouldn't make for him.
jenpstudentrn
36 Posts
Funny!
I didn't think anyone was looking at this post any more...then to find a bunch of new responses today. Cool!
A few people have asked what is normal/ functional? I don't think that there is such thing as a "normal" family anymore...maybe there never was! But I DO think there is such a thing as HEALTHY behavior in families- even though I have also said that every family has it's dysfunctional behavior.
I rarely observe healthy behavior in my own family- mostly seen it in the families of friends. I tend to end up dating men who come from very supportive families. My current boyfriend's family is no exception! They are wonderful people.
This is what I think is healthy: parents who respect their children as intellegent individuals, who support their children- EMOTIONAL support being paramount--parent's who ENCOURAGE their children. Parents who have healthy boundaries with their children (for example,would never suggest the following : "We can't deal with your heroin addict brother any more...why don't you let him come live with YOU." !?!) Parents who lead by example- they don't abuse themselves or their spouse/ partner.
And as many of you have stated in this and other posts- OF COURSE there are nurses from healthy families- nurses are diverse!
Just thought I'd add that!
Thanks for reading and for your responses!
Jen