Are you a nurse from a dysfunctional family?

Nurses General Nursing

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Hi,

This is something I have been curious about for a while. I know there must be nurses out there who come from dysfunctional families...

What I mean by "dysfunctional" is the following: growing up in a household where you have been neglected or abused by your immediate family and/or were raised in a family where drug addiction, mental illness were common. Here is an abbreviated synopsis of my experience: my mother has suffered from clinical depression since she was a teenager, my father has a gambling addiction and has caused my family to declare bankruptcy, my brother is a drug addict (heroin) who lives with my parents who enable him, and my sister also suffers from clinical depression and anxiety-she tried to commit suicide last year.

I moved away from my family years ago. I have been depression and med free for a number of years now.

I have often wondered: how many people out there in nursing, a profession where your job is to care for other people, and often to empower patients/clients with the ability to care for themselves- have come from backgrounds where they did not receive adequate care, encouragement from their families? Where you had to largely teach yourself how to properly care for and nurture yourself?

If you experienced an abusive/ neglected upbringing- do you feel it influenced you to become a nurse?

Do you think your experiences have helped or hindered you?

Do you often have to check yourself because there is a fine line between caregiving and caretaking ?

At this point, I am a student, and I am leaning towards psychiatric nursing as a speciality. I know that this is because of my personal experiences with my family, and my own struggles with mental illness. I already know more about meds, diagnoses, and treatments than the average person! (Ha ha)

Any feedback would be appreciated!

Thanks,

Jennifer

i think i understand what you're trying to say here, but there are some things that are unforgiveable, and i don't think anyone should have to forgive anyone - that's up to the perpetrator to forgive themself. certainly, spending all one's time in rage and blaming keeps the survivor focused on the perpetrator, but anger is a good emotion for generating energy. i wish i could stay angry long enough, and not dissolve into tears.

we tend to confuse forgiveness with forgetting. to forgive someone does not mean that you have to forget the pain that was inflicted and the wrongs that were done.

the only person you really need to forgive is yourself.

it's also the hardest thing to do.

and what i mean by that is that as a child, we are not supposted to have to take care of ourselves and others. we're not supposed to have to fear the very people we want to love us so much. i was surprised at how much guilt i felt about not being "good enough." i finally realized i wasn't supposed to be. children are supposed to make mistakes. you could say it's their job - how else are they going to learn anything if they're afraid of even trying?

it's ok to stop having contact with abusive people, whether they're your family or not. i think this is necessary for self-survival. the most helpful think i've ever learned is that just because a person shares your dna does not make them your family. you can chose to surround yourself with kind, loving, caring, helpful people as your family.

samantha

:nurse: i owe some thanks to my friend j.

she recognized my symptoms of having anxiety attacks.

i checked on a great web site http://www.anxietycoach.com/ which i was able to locate my symptoms and some help.

i have been off work and on ei following surgery in october. i was fired the week before so when january 13th comes and i don't have a job i may continue with my ei. i have been overweight for many years and had signed up for a program that actually teaches you about how to keep it off. i had lost over 100 pounds before but even though i had panic attacks then, the doctor did not validate or was even concerned.

i was molested by my grandfather when i was about 8. my mother did not want to help me, it was just ignore it but she did warn her sisters not to let hime near their daughters, geez thanks mom. my father was physically abusive. know the one "wait until your father gets home", well that again was from my mother. i have been overweight since early childhood but really packed it on after my son was born.

when i went to the weight group wednesday night and described what was happening to me and my steps to overcome, the doctor did not ignore me but validated that what was going on was happening due to the transition of losing weight.

to grimmy and silicone sure saw some familiar trains of thought.

i checked on a great web site http://www.anxietycoach.com/ which i was able to locate my symptoms and some help.

Specializes in Psych, M/S, Ortho, Float..

Way to go unicornt!!

We are all cheering for you! Keep up the good work!

Jacq

My sibs and I have a family motto (author unknown): "We put the FUN back in dysfunctional."

Needless to say, drives mom nuts, but makes all of us feel good, warm and fuzzy all over.:chuckle

SJ

I LOVE THIS QUOTE!!!!!! Thank you. I just emailed it to my sis!

Thank you, this is absolutely perfect.

I realize this is an old thread and I don't even know if you are still posting here, but if you are, thank you!

Specializes in ED.

Well other than physical abuse, mental abuse, divorce, court liasons, legal battles, siblings with severe alcohol/drug about, parent with severe alcohol abuse who is in an out of mental hospitals for sucide attemps all throughout your childhood and living below the poverty line, I'd say my family is pretty good

I too come from a dysfunctional family... I have also considered going into Psychiatric Nursing... Father remarried when I was 7, new family members to include yours, mine and ours... My mother who has battled various mental ailments for years and refuses to seek any type of treatment, is very bitter, very negative and was physically abusive in my childhhod days toward me and my sister... Thank god, she got through the physcial abuse part, thanks to my father who had her court ordered to relinquish custody of us to him-A Very Ugly Situation...

To this day, she is still that way and I make a strong effort for my daughters, ages 8 and 10, to not stay with her because of her negative behavior. She still is not happy that I quit a job earlier this year to begin college and get my ASN... Here reply was "Why Would You Do Something Like That For?"... :angryfire

My reply was I have wanted to do this since high school 16 years ago and was told I was not college material by her...

Absolutely no encouragement from her and my dad and step-mom are ecstatic for me and have given me all kinds of encouragement... :balloons:

Hiya, enjoyed reading your post as I can relate to the attitude problem, as my mother is also very similar in her attitudes. However she is also extremely paranoid of everyone and everything and has caused me a lot of trouble over the years, trying to come between me and my partner of 6 years, at one point we had to move out of the local area where I had planned to stay, and move across the city to another part of Birmingham. I left home due to my dads violence and controlling behaviour towards me and resulted in falling in with the wrong crowd getting indirectly involved in an incident, now 13 years later I am now 31, and 3 months into my RN/Diploma in Adult Nursing course have been asked to leave the programme a week before Christmas. As you can imagine I am very upset and distressed, after spending many years at home bringing up my children, going into Nursing was like a dream come true for me, I made loads of new friends, learnt many new skills and was realy looking forwards to starting a new career in Nursing. The main aim of this post was to hope for any readers to be able to relate to my existing problem, I have since appealed against the University's decision and am currently awaiting a reply from the appeals unit. To receive any reply would be most appreciated so that I am able to see how others have got through. Thanks, lisa.x.

Yes, I do. The sad part was that my mom kept insisting that the family was "perfect." Funny what a large dose of denial will do for you.

My sibs and I have a family motto (author unknown): "We put the FUN back in dysfunctional."

J

My parents were very young when they had me and my sibling. They were very immature and really shouldn't have married and had kids at their age.

They also didn't get really good parenting from their parents, so a lot of the negative behaviors were repeated . I dealt with verbal abuse and some physical abuse i.e.- If they were having a bad day, there would be some excuse to get a "spanking" from them.

Unfortunately, I've had to "divorce" my parents and have little contact them.

It wasn't until I moved away from my parents and saw how other families behave, before I realized how dysfunctional my family is. I thought my familiy's behavior was "normal" and thats how it is for everyone as well.

I have had counseling and learned to deal with my past. It's made me a stronger person.

I really related to the 'Perfect Daughters' by Ackerman too. Sounds along the same line as 'Never Good Enough'....which is how my childhood was too.

It's still like that for me as an adult. Since I no longer live near by and refuse to participate in the codependency/ drama, I'm now the cause for my parents unhappiness. (so, I'm told by other family members.)

My mother blames me for all that is wrong in her and dad's life. I've become the easy target and verbal punching bag for all that is wrong.

I've finally had to tell my mother not to call me anymore, because her only reason to call was to either pick a fight or blame me for some crisis/drama in the family.

My sibling is willing to put up with my parent's **** and so, is the "golden child". My sib can't do anything wrong and her friends are "just wonderful" per my parents.

Specializes in CCU,ICU,ER retired.

I have often said I would love to get a grant and study this. and I ask nurses all the time if they came from dysfunctional families. Nurses are care takers, and come from families that need taken caree of. I had a lot of responsibilities when I was a kid because my mother was an addict of numerous additions. I "took care" of my little sisters. Just about every one of the jurses I asked said there was a drunk or addict in there immediate family and they took care of the disabled. Nursing would be the best career for these folks I was for me

lisa this is an old thread and i may have posted before but i felt compelled to respond to your post

i don't know what the reason for being asked to leave the school but with many survivors of abuse they retreat into a day=dream life...and too often these daydreams are difficult to put aside to concentrate on real life..take a good evaluation of your life and what you want for the future..if you feel like nursing is really what you want you can get there if not with this school than with another...if you want to, try another avenue in the health care field.

whatever you do don't give up...this is the only life you will have..don't carry around your childhood agonies around with you

put space between you and anyone who does not support you . you are just punishing yourself if you let them take control...you do need to forgive them for past offenses but you cannot allow them to continue . they may be sick but you realize the need to be well

good luck

I am not a nurse yet, but if I ever get there I will be another nurse from a dysfunctional family.....EXTREMELLLLLLLLY dysfunctional, married into another EXTREMELLLLLY dysfunctional familly and so on and so forth. I even have dysfunctional pets :uhoh21: :D

Hiya Susan, thanks for your email, I got a reply this morn from the appeals unit at the uni saying they are investigating my claim for unfair dissmissal, as this has been my first time in higher education, I was unaware how to tell my employer about my conviction and the circumstances which lead to my ending up in trouble with the police. My family have always been disfunctional as far back as I can remember, and I think the most annoying thing about it is that if I try to make it clear that my mums behaviour is very negative and off-putting for visitors, she gets the hump and goes into moody mode and then starts trying to cause trouble by gossiping to other members of my family and trying to cause trouble, in fact I can honestly say that the only reason I stay in touch is because she is the only babysitter I have at the moment, and everytime I try to distance myself a little, people always say 'Oh dear but its your mother, you have to keep in touch, so I feel guilty. Hope to speak soon, lisa.x.

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