Are you married sweetie?"

catman88 · Jun 8, 2013

It drives me nuts when patients ask a string of personal questions. I look young for my age, so people tend to ask the typical "so...how long have you been doing this?" which is seriously irritating. I am a tech right now and I am almost grateful that when I get done with nursing school I will be/look older so maybe they'll trust me a little more without the 20 questions game.

But, when I do tell them I'm married and definitely not 18, and they ask me if I have kids I just keep it simple and say "not yet".

chrisrn24 · Jun 8, 2013

But no one is responsible for what the other person chooses to glean from what they may or may not say. The childless person has said "I don't want kids." The questioner is insulted by that? How? How is that even the childless person's fault or problem? I'm serious - no one can make you feel inferior without your own consent. It's a great truism (and no, I don't always remember it myself, but that doesn't make it any less true).
I could compliment you on your hat and you think I'm full of crap, that I actually hate it. Even if that's not the truth and I actually do love it - I'm admiring it - mentally I'm calculating if I can budget for one and where I'll put it when I get it home - I REALLY want one bad. You're convinced I'm lying, that I really hate it. You walk away insulted.
You can't read my mind, and I don't expect you to have that ability. No one does.
But you're upset and feel kicked because you think I hate your hat.
How on earth is that my fault?

In every other context I agree with you. But remember you are at work and these people are your patients. They are vulnerable and to possibly offend them is no good.

Jory, MSN, APRN, CNM · Jun 8, 2013

I'm always asked by my patients " are you married " every time I work, I feel so uncomfortable explaining my personal life to these people! does anyone else feel this way.. I have my own view on marriage and equality for people that I wont share with patients but what do we do when asked personal questions about our life.. Some nurses go into great detail about all their kids all that... am I not being personable to my patients

I never ask a patient a question about their personal information, if it has nothing to do with their care, unless I am willing to answer the same question.

I also, wouldn't ask a patient if they are married. I have a friend who is 41, beautiful, and not single by choice. She's had a string of bad relationships...and it's very hurtful to her when people ask this question.

It may be distressing to someone who has recently lost a spouse, recently divorced or went through a bad breakup.

carolinapooh, BSN, RN · Jun 8, 2013

I never ask a patient a question about their personal information, if it has nothing to do with their care, unless I am willing to answer the same question.
I also, wouldn't ask a patient if they are married. I have a friend who is 41, beautiful, and not single by choice. She's had a string of bad relationships...and it's very hurtful to her when people ask this question.
It may be distressing to someone who has recently lost a spouse, recently divorced or went through a bad breakup.

I hear you. It hurts me sometimes when I'm always asked, "But why don't you have children?"

I know people really don't mean to be, and there's no way they could know how hard we're trying, but it still hurts sometimes.

OCNRN63, RN · Jun 8, 2013

Well, if a pt were so offended by my decision not to have kids, I guess I would switch assignments with a nurse whose childbearing history meets the patient's emotional needs. Not that I need to worry about this situation since I'm no longer working.

But I resent the implication that I've been insensitive to my patients by truthfully answering, "No, I've never felt that motherhood was for me." This world would be a lot better off if people had the self-awareness to do that, rather than be pressured by family or others to have children when they really weren't interested in being parents.

You probably shouldn't wear a Star of David or a cross to work. You might offend your Jewish/Christian patients. If you color your hair you may offend someone who believes you shouldn't dye your hair/pierce your ears/wear makeup/wear jewelry. What if your patient asks you if you like a particular type of music? You could really offend him/her if you say, "No, I don't really care for _____ music"? What if you're, say, a redhead? Some people do not like gingers. All of these things are just as important to some people as the people you think will crumple if a nurse tells them she never wanted to be a mother.

carolinapooh, BSN, RN · Jun 8, 2013

In every other context I agree with you. But remember you are at work and these people are your patients. They are vulnerable and to possibly offend them is no good.

Then I shouldn't say anything to them and I shouldn't answer any questions that aren't directly related to their care because I might offend them in some way.

Goodness gracious, I 'remember' I am at work and I 'remember' these people are my patients. And after watching them vomit up their guts, lose control of their bowels, go completely bald, and sometimes almost die because of what we did to them, I know very well how 'vulnerable' they are. But that relationship does not change the social mores of the situation. If I walk into a room worried I might offend someone with what I say, then I shouldn't say anything. EVER. I might offend them. That's far, far too much to ask of anyone.

This sounds more like political correctness than therapeutic care as far as I'm concerned.

anotherone, BSN, RN · Jun 8, 2013

I hate these questions. I am from a more reserved part of the country origionally so I reallly dislike dealing with them. I just answer with a "no". If my not wanting kids makes someone question their whole life, I don't care. How can you make it to 85 and think everyone likes what you like? The whole lying about it implies that it a wrong choice and socially unacceptable, something to be ashamed of.....

CrystalSSA · Jun 9, 2013

When asked personal questions that I do not want to answer, I make up silly answers. In the case that I was asked if I am married, I would say, "I am from West Virginia, I have been married since I was four!".

That leads to conversation to West Virginia, not my marriage.

Robar, LPN · Jun 9, 2013

I am not a nurse (yet!!) but I don't think anybody is asking these questions because they want to get in your business. I asked my last nurse if she had children... I had just given birth so it just seemed to be a natural conversation starter. I didn't realize that it might be seen as digging into her personal life. Anyway, she didn't seem offended & she told me all about her kids :) she was a wonderful nurse & although I'm sure she'll never know it, she's part of the reason I'm here starting this journey myself!! I'm currently a stay at home mom of 2 and I don't feel like anybody that doesn't want kids is bashing me for choosing to have them. Although, I have had people tell me that I was "wasting my life" by getting married & having children at a young age. Now THAT was offensive!

KelRN215, BSN, RN · Jun 9, 2013

Here is why I would lie.
Lets say your patient today is Jane Doe. Jane is 85. She spent her life as a homemaker (which many, many of our elderly female patients did), raising six children for most of her adult life. Her life revolved around those children. When her children had children she doted on them. When her husband retired they babysat the grandkids often.
Now clearly Jane's life has revolved around her family. She loves them to death. To make conversation with you, her nurse, she tries to think of something to discuss. She says "nurse, do you have children?"
You say "no, I do not."
She is shocked and says "why not?"
You say "well, I just don't want children/I don't like kids" or whatever.
You very well may have just insulted her whole life. Or not. But why risk the chance? I get that "I don't like kids/I don't want kids" may be different but not everybody does.
Same way if your patient is a Lutheran minister and you say you are not religious. Or your patient is covered in tattoos and you say "I don't like tattoos."
We are there to support our patients, and listen to them instead of talking about ourselves.
Think of later when Jane's great granddaughter comes to visit and you bend down to let the little girl hug you, or you say "Hi! Are you enjoying your visit granddaughter?"
Jane might think "she doesn't want children yet she is being very friendly to mine. Is she/he phony? Are they being phony with me?"
And so forth and so forth.
I have no problem lying. And if anyone wants to get on their soapbox about why lying is bad...well I'll be turning away and probably lying to someone.

I don't see how saying "I don't want children FOR MYSELF" equals "your whole life is a waste because it revolved around your children."

I get told very frequently "I could never do what you do". I get told this even by fellow nurses... even by fellow PEDIATRIC nurses. It doesn't offend me or make me feel like this person is insulting my life because they would not make the same decisions that I make. I wouldn't make the same decisions they made either and that's one of the great things about freedom of choice. I also do not want to get married but that doesn't mean that I don't celebrate the marriages of my friends and family members.

opossum · Jun 9, 2013

My stock answer is "I have a boyfriend and a cat". The other night, I had an elderly woman w/mild dementia who asked me the marriage question, to which I gave her my stock answer. She then said, "Well, what're you waitin' for, Christmas?"

I think most people are just making conversation - they're scared, hurting, lonely, etc. and just want to connect sometimes while in the hospital. I get more annoyed by my coworkers (and family) who keep asking me why my bf and I are not yet married!

ixchel · Jun 9, 2013

I have children and they offend me on a daily basis. Perhaps that could be a good talking point?

Kidding, of course :)