Are you married sweetie?"

Published

I'm always asked by my patients " are you married " every time I work, I feel so uncomfortable explaining my personal life to these people! does anyone else feel this way.. I have my own view on marriage and equality for people that I wont share with patients but what do we do when asked personal questions about our life..:sarcastic: Some nurses go into great detail about all their kids all that... am I not being personable to my patients

The problem is they are your patient. No need to give your personal opinions on things to your patients. If they told you first "I don't want children" then I think it's okay to say "I agree." But I don't think someone asking you if you have children is your opportunity to say "yeah I don't like kids/don't want them."

I disagree. If a patient wants to ask a personal question then they should be prepared for what ever the answer is. It is not offensive to say I don't want kids. I love kids but it doesn't mean that I want some of my own. Liking kids and having kids are two different things. I think the answer should be short and sweet and then focus re-directed to the patients.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Here is why I would lie.

Lets say your patient today is Jane Doe. Jane is 85. She spent her life as a homemaker (which many, many of our elderly female patients did), raising six children for most of her adult life. Her life revolved around those children. When her children had children she doted on them. When her husband retired they babysat the grandkids often.

Now clearly Jane's life has revolved around her family. She loves them to death. To make conversation with you, her nurse, she tries to think of something to discuss. She says "nurse, do you have children?"

You say "no, I do not."

She is shocked and says "why not?"

You say "well, I just don't want children/I don't like kids" or whatever.

You very well may have just insulted her whole life. Or not. But why risk the chance? I get that "I don't like kids/I don't want kids" may be different but not everybody does.

Same way if your patient is a Lutheran minister and you say you are not religious. Or your patient is covered in tattoos and you say "I don't like tattoos."

We are there to support our patients, and listen to them instead of talking about ourselves.

Think of later when Jane's great granddaughter comes to visit and you bend down to let the little girl hug you, or you say "Hi! Are you enjoying your visit granddaughter?"

Jane might think "she doesn't want children yet she is being very friendly to mine. Is she/he phony? Are they being phony with me?"

And so forth and so forth.

I have no problem lying. And if anyone wants to get on their soapbox about why lying is bad...well I'll be turning away and probably lying to someone.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in critical care.

I'm a lucky girl right now because even at 32, I look 22, and most of the patients I have taken care of in my clinicals have been more surprised to learn that I am married with kids. They make the assumption I am too young for that. However, I do have moments when I am not in a sharing mood. I also don't think that matters that are controversial to some people need to come out, like sexual orientation or religion. Presently, I tell people I am Buddhist. Much of Buddhism actually does fill my spiritual needs, but to tell you the truth, I am pretty much as atheist as it gets. BUT, people want to know you are taking care of your soul. I live in a very Christian town. If I tell them atheist, it doesn't go well. If I tell them Buddhist, they move on to the next topic.

Anyway, I know that isn't what is being asked in the OP. OP, you mentioned that equality is part of the conversation when discussing marriage. Is the issue sexual orientation? (You don't have to answer that question here if you don't want to.) Regardless of your orientation, I think if you say, "single and loving it," or, "that isn't even a thought on my mind," and then change the subject just slightly so that the patient begins to share about themselves again, you might be able to navigate your way away from the topic altogether. Follow up by asking them, "how long have you been married?" or, "tell me about your husband/wife/partner! How did you meet?" they'll be sure to fill your ear with stories and by the time they are done, you will probably need to talk about medically relevant stuff anyway. Diversion, love. It works well :)

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Here is why I would lie.

Lets say your patient today is Jane Doe. Jane is 85. She spent her life as a homemaker (which many, many of our elderly female patients did), raising six children for most of her adult life. Her life revolved around those children. When her children had children she doted on them. When her husband retired they babysat the grandkids often.

Now clearly Jane's life has revolved around her family. She loves them to death. To make conversation with you, her nurse, she tries to think of something to discuss. She says "nurse, do you have children?"

You say "no, I do not."

She is shocked and says "why not?"

You say "well, I just don't want children/I don't like kids" or whatever.

You very well may have just insulted her whole life. Or not. But why risk the chance? I get that "I don't like kids/I don't want kids" may be different but not everybody does.

Same way if your patient is a Lutheran minister and you say you are not religious. Or your patient is covered in tattoos and you say "I don't like tattoos."

We are there to support our patients, and listen to them instead of talking about ourselves.

Think of later when Jane's great granddaughter comes to visit and you bend down to let the little girl hug you, or you say "Hi! Are you enjoying your visit granddaughter?"

Jane might think "she doesn't want children yet she is being very friendly to mine. Is she/he phony? Are they being phony with me?"

And so forth and so forth.

I have no problem lying. And if anyone wants to get on their soapbox about why lying is bad...well I'll be turning away and probably lying to someone.

Still don't see how anyone would be offended. I don't really want kids and I'm not offended by those who do or talk about their kids. To each its' own.

For example, I hate lying. I don't like to lie, period. However, I'm not offended by the fact that you have no problem with lying.

See, how this works?

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Just because someone doesn't want kids doesn't mean they're judging someone who did. I don't want three kids, or four kids, or any more than two. My mother has four. She doesn't take it as an insult that none of us want or wanted four (and being the fourth one I thank God she didn't mind a fourth one, as you can imagine! - LOL!).

How about a teacher who doesn't want kids, but loves them? Or a couple who are carriers for a rare, fatal disease - they don't want children because of the risk. They can't adopt. But they LOVE children. (I do know someone in this situation as well. Tay-Sachs. They DEFINITELY don't want children. And they don't want to adopt any; they got turned down very hard twice and said enough's enough. But they're the adopted parents of half the kids in their family-driven neighborhood.) "I don't want" is not directly translatable into "I don't like".

("I don't want a sandwich" doesn't mean "I don't like sandwiches" any more than "I don't want kids" means "I don't like kids" - the not liking is an assumption and may be very far from the truth.)

It's not fair to say someone shouldn't say they don't want children because it might insult someone else's whole life. I want kids so bad I don't know what to do. I have friends who don't want them. I'm not insulted by it. I don't think they think I'm wasting my time or that I'm crazy or that they'd be phony if they played with mine (if I ever get one, of course). My niece doesn't want kids and worships the ground her brother's kid walks on. But she and her husband don't want any. Her brother doesn't find that insulting.

Some people devote their lives to other things, other people, other causes, other beliefs other than children. That's THEIR choice, and it has very little to do with pretty much everyone else.

Sometimes - sometimes, regardless of the situation - when you ask a question, you have to accept that the answer really isn't personal and it's not about you. The question was asked of another person. The answer just might be ​about them.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

Still don't see how anyone would be offended. I don't really want kids and I'm not offended by those who do or talk about their kids. To each its' own.

For example, I hate lying. I don't like to lie, period. However, I'm not offended by the fact that you have no problem with lying.

See, how this works?

The thing is, your patient may not know that.

They may think "my nurse doesn't want kids...that must mean she dislikes kids. I wanted to tell her about the cute thing my grandson did today but I guess I won't." And then that affects their care that you give them and they get from you if they are offended.

Therapeutic fibbing is a legit thing. This is like that.

I'll tell you a story as to why I have no problem lying. I'm a new nurse. One of my patients asked me if I had kids. I said "no, I'm much too young I'm only blah age." She looked at me and said "I had two kids by your age." Foot in mouth much??

Up Vote Up Vote ×
The thing is, your patient may not know that.

They may think "my nurse doesn't want kids...that must mean she dislikes kids. I wanted to tell her about the cute thing my grandson did today but I guess I won't." And then that affects their care that you give them and they get from you if they are offended.

Therapeutic fibbing is a legit thing. This is like that.

I'll tell you a story as to why I have no problem lying. I'm a new nurse. One of my patients asked me if I had kids. I said "no, I'm much too young I'm only blah age." She looked at me and said "I had two kids by your age." Foot in mouth much??

But no one is responsible for what the other person chooses to glean from what they may or may not say. The childless person has said "I don't want kids." The questioner is insulted by that? How? How is that even the childless person's fault or problem? I'm serious - no one can make you feel inferior without your own consent. It's a great truism (and no, I don't always remember it myself, but that doesn't make it any less true).

I could compliment you on your hat and you think I'm full of crap, that I actually hate it. Even if that's not the truth and I actually do love it - I'm admiring it - mentally I'm calculating if I can budget for one and where I'll put it when I get it home - I REALLY want one bad. You're convinced I'm lying, that I really hate it. You walk away insulted.

You can't read my mind, and I don't expect you to have that ability. No one does.

But you're upset and feel kicked because you think I hate your hat.

How on earth is that my fault?

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in critical care.

I'll tell you a story as to why I have no problem lying. I'm a new nurse. One of my patients asked me if I had kids. I said "no, I'm much too young I'm only blah age." She looked at me and said "I had two kids by your age." Foot in mouth much??

Oh my goodness how did you talk yourself out of that one?!

Up Vote Up Vote ×
The thing is, your patient may not know that.

They may think "my nurse doesn't want kids...that must mean she dislikes kids. I wanted to tell her about the cute thing my grandson did today but I guess I won't." And then that affects their care that you give them and they get from you if they are offended.

Therapeutic fibbing is a legit thing. This is like that.

I'll tell you a story as to why I have no problem lying. I'm a new nurse. One of my patients asked me if I had kids. I said "no, I'm much too young I'm only blah age." She looked at me and said "I had two kids by your age." Foot in mouth much??

A simple "no, I don't have kids" would've spared you the awkward moment.

Don't feel bad, though. There's much worse. I have a coworker who asked someone's sister if they were the patient's mother. And even at the age difference it would've been impossible. We've all had a mouthful of track shoe/Dansko/Allegria/Croc in our mouths more than once.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Well, I'm not a liar, even if it's just a small matter.

*shrugs* it's about the patient, not me. Unless they're being really inappropriate as opposed to curious and attempting to start friendly conversation and trying to relate to me, I don't feel the need to be true to myself at any cost. Patient's feeling vulnerable in the hospital and wants to engage in familiar and comfortable small talk with me? Sure, I can do that. Keeping my replies light and not always truthful and then turning the discussion back to them and their family always works better for me than telling them that I disagree with their life choices and dropping the subject.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
Specializes in Critical Care, ED, Cath lab, CTPAC,Trauma.

A smile and a graceful...." I'm looking" "why are you asking" "I'm committed" "I haven't found the right one yet".....is fine with a polite how about you.......answer whatever you are comfortable with...they are just trying to form some msort of connection to get to "know you" so that they can feel safe. It is that simple...they just want to feel safe and protected and they do that instinctively through establishing a connection. It's primal.

Up Vote Up Vote ×

It is personal but as a nurse you know A LOT about your patients, more than their friends and some of their family knows. I think a lot of these questions come from wanting to build trust and level the field in a way so they dont feel so vulnerable being the only one in the nurse/client relationship with all of their personal information exposed and not reciprocated. A person can also tell a lot about a person whether they are married or not, kids or not. Just smile and keep your answer short and sweet I dont think they would dig too much more into it if you are obviously uncomfortable or if you turn it around and ask them about their kids , job etc and keep it about them.

Up Vote Up Vote ×
+ Join the Discussion