Are you married sweetie?"

carolinapooh, BSN, RN · Jun 9, 2013

I don't think anyone here doubts the intention of most patients, or even people we meet. I think we all believe it's done out of genuine human curiosity, an effort to be friendly, or just making small talk. Maybe even a distraction from whatever I'm doing, about to do, or have done.

But I also think that it's okay if we tell the truth. After all, we were asked.

(Now if one goes into a tirade about how children are hateful, horrible creatures and it's incredible that anyone ever wanted any - that's a bit out of place. But to say, "No, I've not really wanted any," is absolutely no reflection on the asker or the person being asked. To assume someone's answer is a personal reflection on you in that case is a bit of a stretch. And yeah, the thread took a bit of a turn, but that's the beauty of the Interwebs :) and the joy of surfing them :coffee: .)

chrisrn24 · Jun 9, 2013

I hear you. It hurts me sometimes when I'm always asked, "But why don't you have children?"
I know people really don't mean to be, and there's no way they could know how hard we're trying, but it still hurts sometimes.

Exactly.

Just better to let the patient guide the conversation. Many times I have tried to think about things to ask my patients to connect with them, and one of the more common questions is "are you married" etc. But I never ask without checking the chart first because surprisingly I come across quite a few elderly people who were lifelong bachelors/bachelorettes. Even I'm sensitive about it and I'm fairly young.

prmenrs, RN · Jun 9, 2013

If all short, polite and noncommital answers don't succeed in changing the subject back to focusing on the patient, try this line: "For what reason do you wish this information?" Then redirect the conversation to something more appropriate.

OCNRN63, RN · Jun 9, 2013

I don't think anyone here doubts the intention of most patients, or even people we meet. I think we all believe it's done out of genuine human curiosity, an effort to be friendly, or just making small talk. Maybe even a distraction from whatever I'm doing, about to do, or have done.
But I also think that it's okay if we tell the truth. After all, we were asked.
(Now if one goes into a tirade about how children are hateful, horrible creatures and it's incredible that anyone ever wanted any - that's a bit out of place. But to say, "No, I've not really wanted any," is absolutely no reflection on the asker or the person being asked. To assume someone's answer is a personal reflection on you in that case is a bit of a stretch. And yeah, the thread took a bit of a turn, but that's the beauty of the Interwebs :) and the joy of surfing them .)

We need a little surfing icon.

OCNRN63, RN · Jun 9, 2013

I hear you. It hurts me sometimes when I'm always asked, "But why don't you have children?"
I know people really don't mean to be, and there's no way they could know how hard we're trying, but it still hurts sometimes.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope before long you will have a little one(s) of your own.

ixchel · Jun 9, 2013

Or a couple who are carriers for a rare fatal disease - they don't want children because of the risk. They can't adopt. But they LOVE children. (I do know someone in this situation as well. Tay-Sachs. They DEFINITELY don't want children. And they don't want to adopt any; they got turned down very hard twice and said enough's enough. But they're the adopted parents of half the kids in their family-driven neighborhood.) "I don't want" is not directly translatable into "I don't like".[/quote']
This makes me so angry!!!!!!!!! Couples who deal with genetic issues, physical issues affecting ability to be pregnant, and plain old infertility should NOT be forced to undergo the scrutiny they do just to experience the joy of parenthood, if that is something they hope to experience. It's hard enough going through the roller coaster of learning they can't have kids, but to add on that
The judgments of total strangers about whether they are worthy to be parents??????
Don't get me started :\

BrandonLPN, LPN · Jun 10, 2013

When asked personal questions that I do not want to answer, I make up silly answers. In the case that I was asked if I am married, I would say, "I am from West Virginia, I have been married since I was four!".
That leads to conversation to West Virginia, not my marriage.

Ha, I would do stuff like too when I worked at the hospital. Good way to throw off nosy pts who ask way too many personal questions. It was amusing to tell the pushy Christian pts that I'm Wiccan. Or the "let's set this guy up with our niece" set that I already have a "significant other". (talking about your "significant other" works on the nosy religious pt as well)

CodeteamB · Jun 10, 2013

The personal questions never really bothered me until a particular personal problem befell me. I am now a brick wall when they start as it is difficult for me to care for a patient when it feels like they are constantly poking me in my most vulnerable spot (and I know they have good intentions, but this is the reason I stay away from personal questions when I don't know someone well, you never know what kind of pain another person may be living with).

This is not to everyone's taste but I tend to say "I have a happy family, but right now I'm concerned about your chest pain" or whatever applies in order to deflect the questions.

Wheels28 · Jun 10, 2013

As a patient I never ask anything to personal to my nurses, I think what if their significant other passed away or they had an abusive marriage, I hate being asked if I have a girlfriend so why ask them about their relationship status. I mainly ask about pets, favorite TV shows. I don’t ask about children either. I just want to know very small things about them. I’m always sensitive to others and if things I might bring up might hurt them in some way I would never want to do that. Could I ask about a pet and could it have just died? Yes, I have had that happen and apologized for it, but that has led to stories about the time they had them. If a nurse wants to talk about her life me a little bit fine, but I don’t pry. I don’t do that because if I bring something up that is a sore spot for them every time they care for me they would think about what I asked. I want caring for me to be as easy on the nurse as I can make it. To those of you who don’t want kids, I wouldn’t think any less of you because I’m one of you!!

Nurse-84 · Jun 10, 2013

Yea It is weird to think we ask such personal questions from our patients but when they turn it on us we don't want to explain our lives to them. Being asked "Oh you're not married and no kids yet?" strikes a small bone in me and makes me realize what I don't have. I can't wait til I have my kids and as time moves on I get more worried. I have to admit one thing I have learned from every patient I've cared for and this is my own opinion, the patients who having never chosen to have a child seem lonely versus the patients who did have kids. My heart breaks when that patient is 101 is sitting there alone and when asked if any visitors, kids etc were coming they say no I never did have kids. I want one so at-least when I'm not being turned or fed or my brief changed frequently my kid can go off on some nurse!! haha :)

OCNRN63, RN · Jun 10, 2013

Yea It is weird to think we ask such personal questions from our patients but when they turn it on us we don't want to explain our lives to them. Being asked "Oh you're not married and no kids yet?" strikes a small bone in me and makes me realize what I don't have. I can't wait til I have my kids and as time moves on I get more worried. I have to admit one thing I have learned from every patient I've cared for and this is my own opinion, the patients who having never chosen to have a child seem lonely versus the patients who did have kids. My heart breaks when that patient is 101 is sitting there alone and when asked if any visitors, kids etc were coming they say no I never did have kids. I want one so at-least when I'm not being turned or fed or my brief changed frequently my kid can go off on some nurse!! haha :)

The same thing happens even when people have children.

Irish_Mist, BSN, RN · Jun 10, 2013

I'm not a nurse yet but thought I'd share my 2 cents.

I think most patients more than likely don't mean any harm when asking nurses these questions. It is just a way to break the ice or just make conversation. I've learned that diverting the questions by changing the subject or answerring questions in the most matter-of-fact way is the best method in dealing with people like this whether it be at work or in any other setting. Most will get the hint.

As far as lying to the patient of why you might not want kids... WHY? They asked the question. They should be prepared to hear the answer. Not wanting kids does not equal hating kids. I'm not saying answer the question as bluntly as possible. If the patient asks if you want kids and you by all means can't stand the idea of having kids, a simple "No, not for me." suffices just fine. Why lie? It would be ridiculous for a person to be offended at someone else's life choices that have absolutely no bearing on their own life or circumstances.