Hey guys,
I'm sorry this is so long! I'm a 4th year BSN student, on my way to graduate. Right now I'm in my final practicum with a preceptor who I will be with until I am finished school. I think I'm being bullied by my preceptor, but I'm unsure of how to proceed.
The situation is basically like this: she is a good preceptor. She let's me ask questions, tells me what I'm doing wrong when I'm doing something wrong, leave me alone to be independent when I'm doing skills I know how to do, lets me verbalize skills and the critical thinking involved before I do them when I request it, and is receptive of me asking questions, letting me know where to look for the answers. Her feedback is fair, and I think it is a near accurate assessment of how I am doing.
However, despite all this, on a personal level, I feel as if I'm being bullied. For example, when I walk into the nursing station in the morning, I greet her with a "Good morning, how was your day/week/night?" and I get a, "Good," or, "Fine" with no eye contact, followed by her turning around and gossiping with the other nurses about how her night was. She never asks how I'm doing as a human being or how my day was, and never tried to include me in the discussion. When we're on night shift together, and it's just the two of us, usually we're sitting in complete silence until I say something. Then for the most part, unless it's specifically about something that will improve my learning, I get a one word answer. Once the other nurses come back, she's instantly back into gossip mode, talking away about a topic I know nothing about and have no way of being included in. When we're alone, silence.
When we're in patient rooms together, and she's taking the lead, meeting a patient for the first time or showing me how to do a skill, she does not introduce me to the people in the room, (understandably, after that she's too engrossed in talking to them to give me a chance to say anything so I'm just standing there awkwardly while they're probably wondering why I'm there). If she does introduce me, it's completely off hand and emotionless, as if I have no real purpose for being there. Additionally, when she's demonstrating how to do a skill, she does not verbalize what is happening. And then typically, she walks away from me right after the skill is completed, without giving me a chance to debrief, or ask questions. I feel uncomfortable asking questions in patient rooms when I'm not performing skills, because I don't want to look completely clueless to people I've just met, since I'll be giving care to them later. Whenever I find her later and try to talk to her afterwards, I feel stupid under her emotionless stare (she does let me ask, and she does answer, it's just so unfeeling and unempathetic and almost as if she's talking down to me).
This situation also extends to walking together in the halls to deliver things around the hospital. She walks quickly, gives me one to two word answers to my attempt to start a conversation, and then once we are back at the nursing station, begins a joyful conversation with the other nurses about things in their lives I know nothing about. When I was shadowing her, and engrossed in something else, she would literally get up and walk away so quickly that I was unsure if I should even be following her. She didn't say she was leaving or even check if I was coming.
I feel awkward interrupting her when I need help when she's sitting with other nurses because all I get is this blank, emotionless stare and response. I'm actually afraid that when I ask a stupid question and leave the nursing station, that she will be gossiping about me. Actually, although I know she'll give me a response that will help me with my learning, I hate asking her questions, period. I feel judged, in the way, stupid and I almost feel like crying when she emotionlessly, verbally directs me on where I need to go from her seat to find the answer instead of showing me or working alongside me to make sure I'm actually doing it right. When I don't know the answer to something that she thinks I should have learned (or that I had honestly forgotten), I get this almost-annoyed silent look that just brings my confidence all the way down. Aside from her evaluation of me as a nursing student, I have no idea what she thinks of me. It's the most frustrating, lonely experience I have ever been through. I find myself sitting up at night/morning at the end of shifts, just wracking my brain trying to figure out some sort of conversation topic. Usually, at the end of shifts, she doesn't even say, "Good bye," or "Good job." It's almost always, "You can go home now," followed by her turning her back to me and continuing on with her discussions with the other nurses.
The thought of doing seven more weeks of practice with her is driving my anxiety up the wall. I'm more afraid of being ignored or silently judged by her than what my next set of patients will look like. It's wearing me down emotionally. Talking and laughing with patients is great, but the relationship I have with them is therapeutic - not a friendship, and yet I'm valuing my talks with them more than I do with the people I may one day be working with. I'm always just sitting at the nurses station, in silence, listening to the others having a merry time. When I try to join in (the few times the topics jump to something I understand or feel comfortable with stating my opinion), I just get a one word answer and then the conversation moves on without me. 
Her treatment of me could be partially my fault; I know I am over friendly and one of those people who tends to act like I'm good friends with people I've just met and tends to reveal more about myself than I should when I'm uncomfortable, which may have initially made her uncomfortable. I know my speech is awkward when I'm not passionate about the topic, and that I sometimes stumble over my words. I also understand there is an age difference between me and her and that in our free time, we don't share similar hobbies. So yes, I understand that it may be hard to get along with me. It's just, when I think of how she treats patients and her colleagues, and then when I reflect on how she treats me, I am filled with this sense of complete loneliness. It's not as if I'm asking her hard questions. Usually it's just, "How are you? Did you sleep well? How was your day off?" or things about the weather. It's all small talk, nothing that you wouldn't expect someone to ask, "How are you?" back after answering. I usually volunteer how I'm feeling after I ask her, because it's just so awkward to leave it at, "Good." That's literally how far our relationship has progressed after twelve, twelve hour shifts together. We've spent hundreds of hours together, and she can't even ask how I'm doing.
I feel uncomfortable speaking with the other nurses, because I don't want to have a better relationship with them than I do with her, since I understand that she is volunteering to take me on, and I don't want resentment to build between us. She is one of those "alpha" people who is the topic or the creator of the topic of what people around her talk about, and I feel if I can't get along with her, then it'll be near impossible to have a good relationship with the other nurses (even more so since she is there when I'm with the others 24/7). My existence and personality on the ward, aside from being a "Student Nurse" feels so... unwanted. Like all I should be doing is learning how to nurse instead of forming relationships with the people I work alongside. It'd be fine if it were an eight hour shift, but this is twelve hours, back to back, day in and day out, of having "Me" being ignored.
In conclusion, as a teacher, she is good. For the most part, I understand how I am doing as a student and I feel that she'll never leave me hanging when I gather the courage to interrupt her for help (despite the awful emotionless looks and feelings of being judged). However, as a human being, I feel ignored and unwanted. I don't know if this is how preceptorships are supposed to be, if this is some grand plan to make me more independant instead of relying on her, and I don't know if this is something I can bring up with my instructor, since this has nothing to do with me learning as a student. Make no mistake, I am learning, I'm getting better at thinking for myself based off of fear of talking to her, and I am getting better at not letting every incident or snub bring me down. But, I don't know. Am I being bullied or am I overreacting? Are my feelings valid? Any advice on how to proceed? Any conversation starters? I'm having nightmares and trouble falling asleep over this, and I'm afraid of compromising patient care over being uncomfortable with asking her for help when she's knee deep in a happy "Wendey-proofed" discussion with the others.
