Am I Being Bullied?

[wendey]

Hey guys,

I'm sorry this is so long! I'm a 4th year BSN student, on my way to graduate. Right now I'm in my final practicum with a preceptor who I will be with until I am finished school. I think I'm being bullied by my preceptor, but I'm unsure of how to proceed.

The situation is basically like this: she is a good preceptor. She let's me ask questions, tells me what I'm doing wrong when I'm doing something wrong, leave me alone to be independent when I'm doing skills I know how to do, lets me verbalize skills and the critical thinking involved before I do them when I request it, and is receptive of me asking questions, letting me know where to look for the answers. Her feedback is fair, and I think it is a near accurate assessment of how I am doing.

However, despite all this, on a personal level, I feel as if I'm being bullied. For example, when I walk into the nursing station in the morning, I greet her with a "Good morning, how was your day/week/night?" and I get a, "Good," or, "Fine" with no eye contact, followed by her turning around and gossiping with the other nurses about how her night was. She never asks how I'm doing as a human being or how my day was, and never tried to include me in the discussion. When we're on night shift together, and it's just the two of us, usually we're sitting in complete silence until I say something. Then for the most part, unless it's specifically about something that will improve my learning, I get a one word answer. Once the other nurses come back, she's instantly back into gossip mode, talking away about a topic I know nothing about and have no way of being included in. When we're alone, silence.

When we're in patient rooms together, and she's taking the lead, meeting a patient for the first time or showing me how to do a skill, she does not introduce me to the people in the room, (understandably, after that she's too engrossed in talking to them to give me a chance to say anything so I'm just standing there awkwardly while they're probably wondering why I'm there). If she does introduce me, it's completely off hand and emotionless, as if I have no real purpose for being there. Additionally, when she's demonstrating how to do a skill, she does not verbalize what is happening. And then typically, she walks away from me right after the skill is completed, without giving me a chance to debrief, or ask questions. I feel uncomfortable asking questions in patient rooms when I'm not performing skills, because I don't want to look completely clueless to people I've just met, since I'll be giving care to them later. Whenever I find her later and try to talk to her afterwards, I feel stupid under her emotionless stare (she does let me ask, and she does answer, it's just so unfeeling and unempathetic and almost as if she's talking down to me).

This situation also extends to walking together in the halls to deliver things around the hospital. She walks quickly, gives me one to two word answers to my attempt to start a conversation, and then once we are back at the nursing station, begins a joyful conversation with the other nurses about things in their lives I know nothing about. When I was shadowing her, and engrossed in something else, she would literally get up and walk away so quickly that I was unsure if I should even be following her. She didn't say she was leaving or even check if I was coming.

I feel awkward interrupting her when I need help when she's sitting with other nurses because all I get is this blank, emotionless stare and response. I'm actually afraid that when I ask a stupid question and leave the nursing station, that she will be gossiping about me. Actually, although I know she'll give me a response that will help me with my learning, I hate asking her questions, period. I feel judged, in the way, stupid and I almost feel like crying when she emotionlessly, verbally directs me on where I need to go from her seat to find the answer instead of showing me or working alongside me to make sure I'm actually doing it right. When I don't know the answer to something that she thinks I should have learned (or that I had honestly forgotten), I get this almost-annoyed silent look that just brings my confidence all the way down. Aside from her evaluation of me as a nursing student, I have no idea what she thinks of me. It's the most frustrating, lonely experience I have ever been through. I find myself sitting up at night/morning at the end of shifts, just wracking my brain trying to figure out some sort of conversation topic. Usually, at the end of shifts, she doesn't even say, "Good bye," or "Good job." It's almost always, "You can go home now," followed by her turning her back to me and continuing on with her discussions with the other nurses.

The thought of doing seven more weeks of practice with her is driving my anxiety up the wall. I'm more afraid of being ignored or silently judged by her than what my next set of patients will look like. It's wearing me down emotionally. Talking and laughing with patients is great, but the relationship I have with them is therapeutic - not a friendship, and yet I'm valuing my talks with them more than I do with the people I may one day be working with. I'm always just sitting at the nurses station, in silence, listening to the others having a merry time. When I try to join in (the few times the topics jump to something I understand or feel comfortable with stating my opinion), I just get a one word answer and then the conversation moves on without me.

Her treatment of me could be partially my fault; I know I am over friendly and one of those people who tends to act like I'm good friends with people I've just met and tends to reveal more about myself than I should when I'm uncomfortable, which may have initially made her uncomfortable. I know my speech is awkward when I'm not passionate about the topic, and that I sometimes stumble over my words. I also understand there is an age difference between me and her and that in our free time, we don't share similar hobbies. So yes, I understand that it may be hard to get along with me. It's just, when I think of how she treats patients and her colleagues, and then when I reflect on how she treats me, I am filled with this sense of complete loneliness. It's not as if I'm asking her hard questions. Usually it's just, "How are you? Did you sleep well? How was your day off?" or things about the weather. It's all small talk, nothing that you wouldn't expect someone to ask, "How are you?" back after answering. I usually volunteer how I'm feeling after I ask her, because it's just so awkward to leave it at, "Good." That's literally how far our relationship has progressed after twelve, twelve hour shifts together. We've spent hundreds of hours together, and she can't even ask how I'm doing.

I feel uncomfortable speaking with the other nurses, because I don't want to have a better relationship with them than I do with her, since I understand that she is volunteering to take me on, and I don't want resentment to build between us. She is one of those "alpha" people who is the topic or the creator of the topic of what people around her talk about, and I feel if I can't get along with her, then it'll be near impossible to have a good relationship with the other nurses (even more so since she is there when I'm with the others 24/7). My existence and personality on the ward, aside from being a "Student Nurse" feels so... unwanted. Like all I should be doing is learning how to nurse instead of forming relationships with the people I work alongside. It'd be fine if it were an eight hour shift, but this is twelve hours, back to back, day in and day out, of having "Me" being ignored.

In conclusion, as a teacher, she is good. For the most part, I understand how I am doing as a student and I feel that she'll never leave me hanging when I gather the courage to interrupt her for help (despite the awful emotionless looks and feelings of being judged). However, as a human being, I feel ignored and unwanted. I don't know if this is how preceptorships are supposed to be, if this is some grand plan to make me more independant instead of relying on her, and I don't know if this is something I can bring up with my instructor, since this has nothing to do with me learning as a student. Make no mistake, I am learning, I'm getting better at thinking for myself based off of fear of talking to her, and I am getting better at not letting every incident or snub bring me down. But, I don't know. Am I being bullied or am I overreacting? Are my feelings valid? Any advice on how to proceed? Any conversation starters? I'm having nightmares and trouble falling asleep over this, and I'm afraid of compromising patient care over being uncomfortable with asking her for help when she's knee deep in a happy "Wendey-proofed" discussion with the others.

[happynurse14]

As a recent grad, I am all too familiar with this type of passive aggressiveness from nurses/preceptors and to be honest, I do feel that it is bullying. Don't get me wrong, I have had some awesome nurses/preceptors and that has shown me the difference between a nurse who is just trying to do their job vs trying to make you feel crummy. No, she may not be threatening you, spreading untrue roomers, or blatantly calling you names, but to me, it sounds that she is intentionally trying to make you feel uncomfortable. Stress the word intentionally. It sounds like she is putting forth an effort to exclude you as much as she can and make you feel uncomfortable which to me is not okay. I am pretty shocked at the amount of people on here who argue that this is absolutely not bullying-- I can bet that not one of those people would be happy in your shoes either.

Working in a negative environment, especially as a student/new nurse, will only bring down your self esteem and confidence. I do agree with the aspect that she is your teacher, not your friend, and that she must act professional. But in a way, turning her back to you, excluding you from conversation, and shooting down your friendly advances asking "how is your day?" is rather unprofessional. Aren't we nurses here? Isn't our reputation that of possessing a caring nature, making people feel comfortable? Mixing work with social life... I can see that maybe not everyone wants to do that, but to intentionally leave you out of the conversation is just rude, plain and simple.

That being said, at least she is fostering a positive learning environment which, in the end, is the MOST important thing. Just keep your eye on the prize and take advantage of the learning opportunities this preceptorship provides you with. And, as someone else said, you can use this experience to become a great potential preceptor yourself. You can vow to never act that way to a student or new nurse. That is one thing I promised to myself. I'm gonna be a banging preceptor one day.

My advice: stop trying. Accept that she is not going to change... and move on. Use these shifts solely to grow in your nursing skills. Offer to give bed baths, answer call bells, study your notes-- take initiative. If she's going to exclude you, let it roll of your shoulders and go find something else. Also, don't worry about befriending other staff (just don't gossip about your preceptor or anyone else to a coworker EVER)!! You have just a few more weeks... make the best of it. You'll become a better nurse because of it.... and you'll have tougher skin.

[meanmaryjean, DNP, RN]

Happynurse14 - there's a MAJOR difference between rude and bullying.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

As a recent grad, I am all too familiar with this type of passive aggressiveness from nurses/preceptors and to be honest, I do feel that it is bullying.

As long as the preceptor is doing her job in precepting, she is not required to be social or to make friends with the OP. In fact, she may find all that constant burbling and yammering very annoying and is doing her best not to throttle the OP. So the preceptor is not being a bully. Both you and the OP need a bit of a reality check on the true nature of bullying.

[happynurse14]

Both you and the OP need a bit of a reality check on the true nature of bullying.

I truly am intrigued to hear people's definition of bullying... What is it? I understand, preceptors do not need to be friends to students. But I do think that no matter what the age difference, what the experience level, or professional title, respect is deserved on both ends. From what I have been reading, "seasoned" nurses feel as though they have a right to be rude to their students (ignore them, turn their back on them, etc). Why? You think it is okay that a professional turns their back on a student? I get it... students can be an annoyance and that is why this nurse shouldn't have offered to be a preceptor if she wasn't going to be welcoming.

So please, this is not intended to be rude, but tell me, what is the true nature bullying? My definition: an individual intentionally hurts the feelings of someone else.

[WoosahRN, MSN, RN]

Maybe she just genuinely does not want to do small talk and chit chat with you and you're not getting the message. Learn to enjoy comfortable silence.

This is no where near bullying and hopefully you'll become more confident as you secure a staff position because you are definitely going to run into stronger personalities that don't mesh with yours.

[duskyjewel]

My my this country sure has gotten good at turning out fragile young adults. All those years of everyone being special, no one keeping score, and everybody getting a trophy lead to the idea that anything less than bubbling positivity is bullying. Happynurse14, your question was what do we consider actual bullying? See my previous post.

[Ruby Vee, BSN]

I truly am intrigued to hear people's definition of bullying... What is it? I understand, preceptors do not need to be friends to students. But I do think that no matter what the age difference, what the experience level, or professional title, respect is deserved on both ends. From what I have been reading, "seasoned" nurses feel as though they have a right to be rude to their students (ignore them, turn their back on them, etc). Why? You think it is okay that a professional turns their back on a student? I get it... students can be an annoyance and that is why this nurse shouldn't have offered to be a preceptor if she wasn't going to be welcoming.

So please, this is not intended to be rude, but tell me, what is the true nature bullying? My definition: an individual intentionally hurts the feelings of someone else.

Not wanting to engage in social chitchat or persistent yammering on the part of the newbie does not make the preceptor a bully. It may indeed make her a seasoned professional, an excellent preceptor who is doing her best not to unload her frustrations with the OP who isn't getting the rather tactful message that "I don't want to play with you!" Surely it is not bullying to shoot down multiple attempts to chit chat without telling the OP that she's an annoying pest? Perhaps she should just make it clear, once and for all that "I'm here to precept you. I do not want to discuss my sleeping efficiency, my weekend, my evening or anything else with you that does not pertain to the subject on hand. So knock it off already." That might get her point across much more clearly to the OP, who clearly doesn't get it that someone might not want to either listen to or participate in her constant yakking -- but it would be much less polite and friendly than what is already being done.

To the OP: The preceptor has made it clear that she does not want to participate in social chit chat with you. Other posters have offered some very valid reasons why that may be so. Accept it and move on.

[OCNRN63, RN]

I truly am intrigued to hear people's definition of bullying... What is it? I understand, preceptors do not need to be friends to students. But I do think that no matter what the age difference, what the experience level, or professional title, respect is deserved on both ends. From what I have been reading, "seasoned" nurses feel as though they have a right to be rude to their students (ignore them, turn their back on them, etc). Why? You think it is okay that a professional turns their back on a student? I get it... students can be an annoyance and that is why this nurse shouldn't have offered to be a preceptor if she wasn't going to be welcoming.

So please, this is not intended to be rude, but tell me, what is the true nature bullying? My definition: an individual intentionally hurts the feelings of someone else.

First of all, the OP is a student nurse, not a new hire being oriented to the unit. I'm kind of amazed at the people who feel it's the nurse's responsibility to be a Chatty Cathy for this student, to share all of the "in jokes" with her, to have to take breaks and lunch with her. Gee, maybe they can braid each other's hair and talk about the latest Justin Beiber song. (Oh, wait, he doesn't have one.)

Long ago, when I was a student, all I expected from a nurse I was assigned to was to have her teach me what she could, let me know if she had interesting procedures I could do, and give me constructive feedback. That was it. I went to lunch with the other students in my clinical rotation; sometimes I went by myself. I never would have expected to be included in staff conversations. I was there to learn, not socialize.

There is a big difference between being curt and bullying. If you've truly been bullied (and I have been), you know the difference. A bully uses his strength or power to harm someone who is weaker. When I was bullied, I had to take a leave of absence from my job. I had to go on medication due to the stress from it. It wasn't due to someone just hurting my feelings, I assure you. I was so ground down from being belittled, picked at, made to feel that my job was in jeopardy...that was being bullied. I've had my feelings hurt on more than one occasion; that did not rise to the definition of bullying.

[SionainnRN]

I truly am intrigued to hear people's definition of bullying... What is it? I understand, preceptors do not need to be friends to students. But I do think that no matter what the age difference, what the experience level, or professional title, respect is deserved on both ends. From what I have been reading, "seasoned" nurses feel as though they have a right to be rude to their students (ignore them, turn their back on them, etc). Why? You think it is okay that a professional turns their back on a student? I get it... students can be an annoyance and that is why this nurse shouldn't have offered to be a preceptor if she wasn't going to be welcoming.

So please, this is not intended to be rude, but tell me, what is the true nature bullying? My definition: an individual intentionally hurts the feelings of someone else.

Oh dear God. This is why we have so many posts complaining about the sensitive nature of some new grads. No, not wanting to be friends doesn't equal bullying. Not by a long shot. Go to work to work and stop thinking you're a special snowflake. You aren't.

[la_chica_suerte85, BSN, RN]

No, this does not even remotely approach the definition of bullying. She gives you answers and guides you appropriately as a preceptor. Seriously!? I would be so grateful for this preceptor -- but that's me. I hate prattling on about nonsense and I don't understand why morning salutations are so necessary. It's not something I take personally if someone fails to do or reciprocate to me.

For you, however, it is valid that you're feeling psychologically attacked because you are being ignored and for sociable types this can be kind of brutal.

But, allow me to give you some perspective: you are a student. As you may see from browsing around the boards, many students are incredibly entitled and are products of the "everyone wins" culture a lot of people born even a few years after I was were subjected to. It is abhorrent and odious, especially to people older than the typical nursing student to see students who really think that the way they "script" their experience should be followed to a 't' and that when it isn't somehow it is labeled as bullying. Where I come from originally (ahem, my former career), I am the crusty old bat who does not understand the weirdness coming out of people younger than me. They aren't as willing to work as hard, feel they must be mindlessly social at all times (ahem, incessant Facebook posting), and are completely incompetent to take criticism (a skill in and of itself). They have no sense of the dues they have to pay and what they must learn in order to get into the "in crowd." You are just a student -- a person in passing. It would be nice to develop a mentor-mentee relationship (I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that this is what you were hoping for with this preceptor) but not realistic. Even as a new hire you will have some serious obstacles to surpass before you are able to really feel like a part of the team so expect similar behavior from more people regardless of the new job you start in the hopefully not too distant future. If nursing is your first ever job, then you will see this more and more and get used to it.

You have dues to pay. You will not be paying them there because there is nothing here for you. Yes, it's somewhat unsettling this nurse takes off without telling you where it is she's going or what she's doing and I've had preceptors do that (so I just follow them until they tell me I'm not needed -- i.e. they're going to the bathroom ) but you have to adapt to this. She is taking the lead. Her lead is dictating to you that silence is golden. Take the down time to put your nose in a book and really get ready for that NCLEX or take initiative and see if your pts need anything -- in other words, just work. For goodness' sake, do not try to jump into the conversation. Wait on someone to approach you. Even if I didn't want to be a part of the conversation, I am usually dragged into it because I'm so quiet and am usually looking something up or working and for some reason people always want to bug me when I'm doing stuff. Other nurses see this and will likely invite you into the conversation. If not, oh well. It's not your conversation to jump into. They all have history and camaraderie together and that is sacred amongst people in any line of work because it is a shared coping mechanism -- this is especially important in high-stress situations and any new-comers, especially people who will remain likely only for a short time, will not be welcomed easily. You wanting to participate in what you perceive to be idle chatter (you keep saying gossip so aren't you kinda being judgmental too?) is you encroaching on this shared space the other nurses have worked together to create.

At any rate, please take a breather, reset your mind and don't let it get it to you so badly. She's just whatevs. You need to be whatevs, too and just show up to do good nursing practice and nothing more.

[la_chica_suerte85, BSN, RN]

Not wanting to engage in social chitchat or persistent yammering on the part of the newbie does not make the preceptor a bully. It may indeed make her a seasoned professional, an excellent preceptor who is doing her best not to unload her frustrations with the OP who isn't getting the rather tactful message that "I don't want to play with you!"

Exactly. She wants to talk to the other nurses because she has an established level of comfort with them she will likely never ever have with you. The chit chat is her way of decompressing with those who are sharing her experience -- it would be ineffective for her to try this with you. Also, in my experience, people who immediately come off as comfortable with me and starting telling me personal stuff about them freak me out and I get very suspicious of them as well. I will not trust them to come into my inner circle because talking to them is another area of stress for me. Not gonna have that.

[OCNRN63, RN]

Exactly. She wants to talk to the other nurses because she has an established level of comfort with them she will likely never ever have with you. The chit chat is her way of decompressing with those who are sharing her experience -- it would be ineffective for her to try this with you. Also, in my experience, people who immediately come off as comfortable with me and starting telling me personal stuff about them freak me out and I get very suspicious of them as well. I will not trust them to come into my inner circle because talking to them is another area of stress for me. Not gonna have that.

This, a thousand times over. I am the same way; when someone is overly familiar with me, peppers me with personal questions, and constantly tries to insert herself into conversations she wasn't originally party to, I want to scream and run the other direction.