What She Couldn't Tell You - page 5
We've all met this type of mom before. It's 2330, her 8 year old daughter is struggling to breathe, and you know for a fact you saw them two weeks ago for the same thing. You also know for a fact you... Read More
Dec 26, '13My previous reply focused on the need for national healthcare so everyone, especially children have the medicine they need. I didn't know this was a real situation, but I still think there is a difference between being an adult and staying in an abusive relationship vs being a child and literally trapped in a dangerous, abusive situation. There are many people who have been victims of abuse in their lives. But children are in an especially dangerous predicament because they cannot fight back or protect themselves, whereas an adult actually can choose to get out and be safe. I do get angry when I see children trapped in an abusive relationship because their mothers won't leave an abusive man. It is not fair to the children!
But growing up in an abusive environment, one can choose not to let history repeat itself. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who have been abused in the past, but made it a priority to not let it happen again! Women need to be strong for themselves, but especially for their children. As nurses we are blessed to have a job that pays a living wage and allows one to raise a family, we don't literally need a man financially and we are lucky to live in a country where a woman can make it on their own. There are many women throughout the world that don't have the options we have! It is sad that so many women remain chained to an abusive relationship because they don't want to be alone! I would rather be alone and safe than mistreated or in danger!Last edit by brandy1017 on Dec 26, '13
Dec 26, '13Quote from SionainnRNEven though I disagreed with one of your prior posts, I would never, never, never wish or pray or hope that anyone would be placed in that situation just "to see what it was like".You know nothing of my life and my experiences. Aren't you being as horribly judge mental as the nurse in the article you praise so highly?
That was a very mean thing that was posted to you and Canigrad.Last edit by Esme12 on Dec 27, '13 : Reason: edited quote
Dec 26, '13Quote from cardiacfreakEven though I disagreed with one of your prior posts, I would never, never, never wish or pray or hope that anyone would be placed in that situation just "to see what it was like".
That was a very mean thing that was posted to you and Canigrad.
Thanks for posting this.
I happen to agree with SionainnRN and Canigrad - once a child is involved, there is no excuse for staying in an abusive relationship.
The mom (or dad) who hangs around in a place where their kids are abused is MORE culpable than the abuser in my opinion.
I think we should judge the situation but also help.
We are mandated reporters and I've had to report child abuse many times.
I also had a father who abused my mother (but not us) and I saw violence in my home many times before I turned 12 and my mom finally left.
To say that those of us who think women should GET THE HELL OUT of an abusive situation have never ever experienced it . . to say that we should experience it so we'd understand . . is very judgmental.
Dec 27, '13Quote from cardiacfreakThank you. I have no problem disagreeing with people or their views. But wishing physical harm on someone is just over the top!Even though I disagreed with one of your prior posts, I would never, never, never wish or pray or hope that anyone would be placed in that situation just "to see what it was like". That was a very mean thing that was posted to you and Canigrad.
Dec 27, '13MODERATOR NOTE:
Several posts have been edited/deleted.
As per the Terms of Service allnurses promotes lively debate....This means you are free to disagree with anyone on any type of subject matter as long as your criticism is constructive and polite. Additionally, please refrain from name-calling. This is divisive, rude, and derails the thread. Our first priority is to the members that have come here because of the flame-free atmosphere we provide. There is a zero-tolerance policy here against personal attacks. We will not tolerate anyone insulting other's opinion nor name calling.
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Dec 27, '13A fearful childhood, developed me into a fearful adult. I'm quiet. Reserved. I observe exits, and usually find a seat in the back by the door. I make myself "small" and try to be as unnoticeable as possible. My whole life.
The one exception is when it involved my children.
I said things, did things, behaved in ways totally out of character to ensure the safety and welfare of my kids. I morphed into tiger mom and became someone I wouldn't become for myself. It's how it's supposed to be.
I became the mother my mother wasn't.
I am in the minority as I have little use for a woman who won't protect her babies. I can reserve judgement and still not like who they are.Last edit by imintrouble on Dec 27, '13
Dec 27, '13I don't care for "blame the victim" mentality. Most unbecoming coming from a nurse IMO.
I read a piece years ago about females (males as well I suppose, as males in abusive relationships are highly under reported but not uncommon) are known to seek opiod pain killers in EDs under false pretenses in advance, in order to have some on hand for the next beating. That "back pain" or "abdominal pain" patient with no obvious pathology may well be full of bull hockey, as you suspect, but may be looking to obtain some medication for an entirely different reason. Possibly something to consider with regard to your frequent flyer seekers.
Dec 27, '13I'm sorry it has been so long since I responded.
My mother did get out. It wasn't right away. She had family, but it was dysfunctional and they truly wouldn't or couldn't help. She had no friends left that could help. He had made sure they all faded away. We when eventually made our way out of that hell, it was in a minivan packed full of our stuff, in the middle of the night, to a place two states away. I didn't tell anyone we were leaving. We had to start all over in a new place.
Restraining orders are a joke. They aren't bulletproof. By the time a cop knows a TRO has been violated, it is because they've come to clean up the mess of a woman who had one.
Everyone who holds judgment against the woman for having a child and not immediately rising up in some mythical Mama-Bear like rage and braining the cretin who did this...well, let me tell you. Try falling in love with a sweet talker who treats you right for the first time in your life. He takes in your daughter as his own. And as the months and years go by, he gets a little meaner, a little scarier, he systematically takes your life and narrows it down into a laser-like focus on him. No friends. No money. No car unless he fixes it. All the while, he tells you, sadly almost, that if you weren't such a useless twit, he wouldn't have to treat you like this. That if you would just get your head together, you could almost pass as normal.
Now try doing anything that involves free thought after many years.
But she did. I don't know what triggered the final broken shackle in her head. They say a woman will try and leave, or plan to leave, seven times before she does for good. If she does. Will you be the fourth or fifth nurse that, instead of instilling a little hope and faith in the world's goodness, you reinforce her self-image of being a broken, useless waste of space?
Sure, you say you will hold her in judgment, but still treat the child. You think you will be neutral. But you won't. Your disgust and hate for her weakness will radiate off of you like a fever. Your eyes will be hard, your smile cold, and she will die a little more inside, because he was right and everyone knows how horrible she is. I mean, even a nurse, who is often associated with mothering and is the most trusted healthcare professional out there, hates her.
Someone said you cannot be a victim unless someone makes you one. I say nonsense. If that was the case, there would be no muggings, rapes, or domestic violence. I can understand the urge to simplify DV, to make it a black and white easy issue that will be solved with magical self-esteem. It isn't. It is multi-factorial, spanning socio-economic, global, gender boundaries. Instead of blaming the victim (because, really, isn't that what the saying is? Is it really different than saying "If women would just not dress so sexy, there would be a lot less raping going on!" ?) how about we focus on saying "It is never acceptable to hit, no matter your gender or age," and "I know you feel trapped. Always know that there are people waiting to help you when you are ready."
I do not think more violence is the answer to the cold steel of judgment and apathy in some hearts.
I am always glad to see that there are warm souls and kind hands willing to help. I always thought it was what nurses were called to do. Perhaps I have not been jaded enough yet. I hope I never reach that point.
It is interesting that some here think it is perfectly acceptable to lash into a woman they do not know for actions they do not understand, but get upset when people think less than highly of them. Perhaps glass houses and all that.
I wish everyone peace for the new years.
Dec 28, '13Fantastic post, really resonates with me, from the mother's standpoint. I once arrived at ER with a dislocated jaw, due to assault - they fixed me up, and told me to wait to see the social worker, I had a nice male nurse, but he was so obviously busy..I had broken down in tears in triage, he immediately asked me who did this to you?.. the social worker never appeared - too busy with other cases that night. I was a mother in a big city, alone at the ER, family overseas. I often think back to this -it was a real low point, getting on the subway, alone in pain, no money for a taxi to the hospital. I hope to work with domestic violence victims in the future. I've had a lot of mean things said to me from some of my family, comments to the effect of "you should have just left, you asked for this by staying when you knew it was bad", some formerly close family members completely turned their backs on me and left me feeling as if I'd done wrong all because I borrowed some money to leave, which I since paid back...the ignorance of these female family members hurt as much as the emotional abuse from my spouse, I felt terrible. There are people I find myself editing details in front of because their ignorance about domestic violence...this is why I hope to use my experiences to reach others, understanding is so important and domestic violence is a very complex thing. Safe Horizon NYC is an excellent resource for learning about domestic violence. Thanks for a wonderful post - I was a frequent flier in ER with my son, some of it was due to extreme anxiety brought on by abuse I think. I got zero support from my spouse everytime my son was sick, it was like a huge inconvenience to him and I was left totally alone, I couldn't even run things by him and I was isolated from family - so Id often end up in ER, feeling I had to be cautious.
Dec 29, '13I'm sorry. I understand everyone has a story to tell. But if this is true she is a poor mother. If you have a kid you put them 1st. By being not calling the police, not reporting all this she is endangering her child. If a woman wants to stay in that sort of relationship, fine. Don't do it to your children then hide behind some "battered woman's syndrome"
Now everyone you can ream me. Go ahead, but nothing will change my mind.Last edit by madwife2002 on Dec 29, '13 : Reason: TOS
Dec 29, '13Quote from squatmunkie_RNSHAME ON YOU!!! Until you have walked in this woman's shoes, reserve your uneducated and cruel judgements. These situations are not that simple, and leaving is not as easy as you make it out to be. Physical and emotional abuse can leave you unable to think rationally. It is a form of brainwashing. I really hope you are able to keep these thoughts to yourself when treating patients. I have a feeling you're just as judgmental about other things.I'm sorry. I understand everyone has a story to tell. But if this is true she is a poor mother. If you have a kid you put them 1st. By being not calling the police, not reporting all this she is endangering her child. If a woman wants to stay in that sort of relationship, fine. Don't do it to your children then hide behind some "battered woman's syndrome"
Now everyone you can ream me. Go ahead, but nothing will change my mind.
Dec 29, '13I think who people Monday-morning quarter back DV, I think about the Stanford prison experiment; anyone can become a perpetrator or a victim:
Dec 29, '13Quote from squatmunkie_RNI don't know what makes me sadder - the fact that you are openly proud of your judgmental and harsh attitude towards your potential clients, or that you refuse even the idea of considering their point of view, their situation, and helping them out of it.I'm sorry. I understand everyone has a story to tell. But if this is true she is a poor mother. If you have a kid you put them 1st. By being not calling the police, not reporting all this she is endangering her child. If a woman wants to stay in that sort of relationship, fine. Don't do it to your children then hide behind some "battered woman's syndrome"
Now everyone you can ream me. Go ahead, but nothing will change my mind.
Related to the initial article - oh, the Fe++.