Would parenting classes help a confused stepmom?!

Specialties Psychiatric

Published

Hello - It's Anne again. Have a question and was hoping to get ideas, ect. from other allnurses parents/step-parents.

My dh and I have been married a little over 3 years and he has 2 boys from a prev. marriage. The ''problem child'' is 15 yrs. Even though dh and his ex were already divorced when we started dating, problem child states that it is my fault that the divorce occurred, which is NOT TRUE!! We had a strictly professional relationship (he's an RNC also) for 15 yrs. We worked at the same facility.

Up to this point, prob. child has only been verbal towards me, words that make my hair curl. The first time was ''youre not my mom, youre just the ____ that_____ my dad!" These outbursts have escalated and we have had him in counseling, had him pee in a cup, therapists thru school, the private sector, and on and on. (UDS was always negative)

He has been in trouble in school and will be expelled if he is suspended again. He has been in trouble for egging trailers. (And I'm not innocent, I did that when I was his age, but did not get caught!) Mom has been an instigating factor in this, I know. Now he says "He__ no I am not going to counseling again." Dad does disipline him when he screws up.

A week ago, he let loose with his usual filthy mouth regarding me, and his dad heard him. So then prob.child scratched me on my wrist and grabbed my deltiod so hard, I had bruises in the form of fingers. I do keep a record of everything and also took pictures of the injuries.

Would parenting classes help any in this type of situation? He is still adamant that he won't go see anyone, but I am more than willing to do anything to help the situation. Any ideas? Moderators PLEASE don't pull this - I just needed to vent and ask for ideas.

Anne, RNC:deadhorse

Specializes in ER, TRAUMA, MED-SURG.
Perhaps you read that right and I hope you did. It appeared that they would leave after he was placed, but I agree however with your assessment. I am hoping they aren't planning on giving over custody to the state. This situation sounds like it can still be salvaged with counseling and support groups with qualified people in place.

NO! We would not just go off and leave him. Nothing will ever change the fact that I love him and so does his father. We love both the boys very much! We would not ever just make him a ward of the state. I could not live with the fact that I just abandoned him. And, I am adopted, so I would not just drop him off somewhere and keep going and never look back. I do believe he is salvagable, that the relationship we had before this rage got so bad. Believe it or not, we used to be very close.

Anne:thankya:

Thanks, Anne

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Leslie - thank you so much! You made me feel a little bit better. We have made him pee in a cup and they have been negative. I am glad since his mom is an active user and dh and I are both recovering nurses. We both have 7 years sober. I appreciate the kind words. PM me or email anytime! Thanks again - Anne:bowingpur

when dd came home, i brought her in for random's 1-2x/wk.

and they always came back clean.

what I did wrong, was i did not watch her.

i took her purse, emptied her pockets (frisked her head to toe) and let her go in the bathroom unescorted.

i left the door open a few inches.

as it turns out, when i thought she had been washing her hands, she was adding warm water to the spec cup...evidentally, producing clean results.

she confessed this to me, after a few weeks.

she admitted to 'only' getting high a few times, since she'd been home.

her behavior had been stellar.

i felt defeated and so hopeless.

so, in addition to her own counselling and dss visiting qod, we got into family therapy- something hubby had resisted.

as it turns out, other changes were made within the family structure and to this day, ea and every one of us is aware of what/how actions impact the other.

none of us are innocent bystanders.

at 18, she's presently working and going to college.

she joined the usmc, and is leaving at the end of her semester, in may.

as you know anne, change is a journey- and does not happen overnight.

7 yrs dry, is a phenomenal accomplishment.

and being through what you and dh have, surely you understand a lot of how your son (and his mom) are acting.

let me know if there's anything i can do?

provide you with resources, where i went for help?

you guys will do this, i'm sure.

leslie

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Specializes in ER, TRAUMA, MED-SURG.
Sorry, but I wasn't the only person who read it that way. I'm glad you won't abandon him, then. That wouldnt help.

Really, try looking in to step parent support groups.

I'm sorry. I should have phrased my posting a little better. We both love him and don't want to see him in jail or worse, dead if his behavior gets too much worse. As an ER nurse, I have had to help tell parents that their son/dtr ..... And I love him too much to stand being the parent that gets that phone call in the middle of the night.

I hope I didn't offend you with my comment, I am terrified that I may not be able to help him.

Anne

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Specializes in Vents, Telemetry, Home Care, Home infusion.

Due to topic, moving to Break Room per Mod discussion..

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After more mod discussion, moved to Psych forum.

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Specializes in pedi, pedi psych,dd, school ,home health.

Anne.. your entire family does need help. Having him screened for a psych admission is the first step; if he does not qualify for hospitalization there are also "step down" programs which offer residential treatment short term. At the least you can get ss involved; or you can file a CHINS (child in need of services ) with your local pd ; who will and can enforce treatment. good luck; my thoughts and prayers are with you, this is not an easy road that you are on.

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Here is a link for a great resource. In its own words--This web site is a "soft place to land for the battle-weary parent."

http://www.conductdisorders.com/

Seems like more than a few of us could use the knowledge and encouragement.

God bless us all.

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Specializes in NICU, Infection Control.

BusyRN...

I'm not the only one reading this thread and, while I have nothing to add in the way of advice, just know that we're hoping and praying for your family's (including stepson's) well-being. Hang in there. I admire your courage in dealing w/this.

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Specializes in ICU, School Nurse, Med/Surg, Psych.

How long were you engaged prior to getting married? Did the boy object to the relationship back then? What have you done to blend the family? Did you ever have a good relationship with the boy? If not, why did the father choose you over his son thus rejecting him again? I see the kid's point of view. He is angry and has no control over the situation and is pushing to see when someone is going to hear his pain.

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Specializes in ER, TRAUMA, MED-SURG.
How long were you engaged prior to getting married? Did the boy object to the relationship back then? What have you done to blend the family? Did you ever have a good relationship with the boy? If not, why did the father choose you over his son thus rejecting him again? I see the kid's point of view. He is angry and has no control over the situation and is pushing to see when someone is going to hear his pain.

Thanks for the input. Accually, he and I had a great relationship until his mom started acting out more. (Threatening to kill herself in front of BOTH boys more than once.)

Dh and I met at work about 18 yrs. ago and were cplleague/friends. When his ex cheated and left him, then they had a "cooling off" pd. for the boys to adjust to mom gone. We started off as me watching them for him to go to class one day, then we would all get out and eat pizza, or all watch a movie, as friiends. We dated for almost 2 years before the wedding, were engaged for about 6 mo.

The "I hate you" and worse started after he started hanging out with a new group of friends.

They both went to see Mom this past weekend and she gets them Friday at 6pm. That same night, he tried to bow up at Mom and hit her while she was driving. She just sent him to a friends house - not deal with it, just get him out of there, which didn't help the situation.

Younger bro is watching him closely and today I got the dreaded call from his teacher about homework and behavior. We meet Wed. Dh and I are looking at a few places, to see which would suit him better.

At this moment, he is "displeased" with the news and says he "doesn't have to go''. Dh is talking with him, if he leaves tonight walking he will be picked up by S.O. They have had to deal with him before.:smackingfMore as the details unfold - Anne

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Specializes in ER, TRAUMA, MED-SURG.
BusyRN...

I'm not the only one reading this thread and, while I have nothing to add in the way of advice, just know that we're hoping and praying for your family's (including stepson's) well-being. Hang in there. I admire your courage in dealing w/this.

Thank you so much! They are all needed and welcome!

Anne:selfbonk:

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