Would parenting classes help a confused stepmom?!

[sissiesmama]

Hello - It's Anne again. Have a question and was hoping to get ideas, ect. from other allnurses parents/step-parents.

My dh and I have been married a little over 3 years and he has 2 boys from a prev. marriage. The ''problem child'' is 15 yrs. Even though dh and his ex were already divorced when we started dating, problem child states that it is my fault that the divorce occurred, which is NOT TRUE!! We had a strictly professional relationship (he's an RNC also) for 15 yrs. We worked at the same facility.

Up to this point, prob. child has only been verbal towards me, words that make my hair curl. The first time was ''youre not my mom, youre just the ____ that_____ my dad!" These outbursts have escalated and we have had him in counseling, had him pee in a cup, therapists thru school, the private sector, and on and on. (UDS was always negative)

He has been in trouble in school and will be expelled if he is suspended again. He has been in trouble for egging trailers. (And I'm not innocent, I did that when I was his age, but did not get caught!) Mom has been an instigating factor in this, I know. Now he says "He__ no I am not going to counseling again." Dad does disipline him when he screws up.

A week ago, he let loose with his usual filthy mouth regarding me, and his dad heard him. So then prob.child scratched me on my wrist and grabbed my deltiod so hard, I had bruises in the form of fingers. I do keep a record of everything and also took pictures of the injuries.

Would parenting classes help any in this type of situation? He is still adamant that he won't go see anyone, but I am more than willing to do anything to help the situation. Any ideas? Moderators PLEASE don't pull this - I just needed to vent and ask for ideas.

Anne, RNC:deadhorse

[Katie82, RN]

What a sad situation, but all too common. This young man is hurt and angry, and you are a convenient target. I don't think you need parenting classes in the strictest sense, but counseling to help you learn how to defend your position in this family unit. I get the feeling dad is trying to ignore the situation, which unfortunatly may end up hurting your relationship as a couple. If I were you, I would find a Family Counselor, with or without the boy. It will help the two of you cope with this mess.

[scribblerpnp]

I have worked adolescent psych in the past, and saw a lot of this behavior and similar histories in our admits with conduct disorder. He is probably steps away from turning to drug abuse as well (as if you need yet another worry). It seems like he would probably benefit from admission into a psychiatric facility. Violence towards others is a qualifier for admission. It would give him structure and could be a neutral ground on working on family issues. One definate thing is that he needs structure and consistency.

You have a long road ahead of you, but these problems need to be dealt with soon rather than later or the child may start acting out in other ways such as increased level of violence, drugs, stealing, or running away.

Good luck, and please keep us updated. :redpinkhe

[sissiesmama, ASN, RN]

I have worked adolescent psych in the past, and saw a lot of this behavior and similar histories in our admits with conduct disorder. He is probably steps away from turning to drug abuse as well (as if you need yet another worry). It seems like he would probably benefit from admission into a psychiatric facility. Violence towards others is a qualifier for admission. It would give him structure and could be a neutral ground on working on family issues. One definate thing is that he needs structure and consistency.

You have a long road ahead of you, but these problems need to be dealt with soon rather than later or the child may start acting out in other ways such as increased level of violence, drugs, stealing, or running away.

Good luck, and please keep us updated. :redpinkhe

Hey - I thank all for their advice. He did lose EVERYTHING and dh and I are looking into placement into an inpatient facility, whether it be some sort of "boot camp" type or an inpatient facility.

He had already started stealing money and "stuff" and the S.O. had been called on him mult. times. He does need to be put into counseling, not let him think it is his choice, just TAKE HIM.

The ER nurse in me had been wondering about some psych aspect to his outbursts and rage. Dh and I have talked and he will be removed from the home.On top of his crap, I have been unable to work for almost 2 years R/T HTN uncontrolled (up to 220/130) and also cardiac anomalies. (And yes, my cardiologist has been very viligant about tests, med changes, procedures to "fix" me.). The dh and I are looking into maybe moving somewhere in Texas or somewhere else after the 15 yr. old is placed.

And Tazzi, my friend, you are exactly right about the pictures and documentation. It doesn't do anything unless you use it! Thank you Thank you!!

I know the divorce was prob. not all the exs fault. She was cheating on him and an active addict, eating Xanax, smoking pot, doc hopping and other stuff. When they had her intervention, she refused, got violent, and ran away. Then she got to wear the silver bracelets and ride in the backseat of "someone else's" car. I am a recovering addict and don't need to blow my 7 yrs. on the son.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I needed to hear it and use it. You all had such great ideas and we are making the changes NOW before it escalates any more.:innerconf

Thank you all!

Anne

[vashtee, RN]

You are going to place him in a facility and then leave the state?

Damn. No wonder he is angry.

[EmmaG, RN]

You are going to place him in a facility and then leave the state?

Damn. No wonder he is angry.

Rather uncalled for. He has proved himself to be a danger to this person. She needs to protect and remove herself.

[EmmaG, RN]

This boy is angry, and why shouldn't he be? His family is broken.

I don't buy that excuse for a minute. There are many people out there who come from so-called 'broken' homes and don't resort to what this kid is doing. He has shown himself to be completely out-of-control, violent, and with no apparent concern for his actions (or taking responsibility for same).

There comes a point where he needs to recognize there are consequences to his behaviour. If that means he is removed from the home, so be it. Obviously staying in the home is doing neither him nor the rest of the family any good. Sometimes it's best for all concerned to separate and then work on healing.

[traumaRUs, MSN, APRN]

This was a venting thread, not an advice thread. Please be supportive of the OP or leave the thread alone.

[Mulan]

Supernanny?

[DutchgirlRN, ASN, RN]

You are going to place him in a facility and then leave the state?

Damn. No wonder he is angry.

That's how the post sounded but surely they wouldn't, surely they couldn't put a minor child in an inpatient facility and then move out of state. First, the child would not be in a inpatient facility for an indefinate period of time. Usually a couple of weeks, a month, perhaps 6 weeks.

[rn/writer, RN]

Sometimes you have to tell a severely-acting-out child that you will love him from a distance. You don't stop loving, but, just as you don't let an injured pet bite you when he's crazed with pain, neither do you give a wounded child the power or the proximity to ravage the family. That isn't really what they want anyway.

Troubled kids need to know that your love is unconditional, but your trust is earned. You have to set limits and enforce them out of care and concern for everyone involved. The worst thing you can do is nothing. Making empty threats only forces the kid to escalate to find out where the line really is.

It sounds like you have reached the point where you have to do something for the safety of the entire family--the troubled kid included. He needs to be stopped and he has demonstrated that he can't stop himself.

The most common mistakes that people make in this situation are either to back down over and over, giving the message that there are no real boundaries. Or to put the kid inpatient or into residential and then pull away. The secret, as I said at the beginning of this post, is to love from a safe distance, teaching the child that proximity and a physical return to the family come with different behavior and the rebuilding of the relationships. If the love goes away when the child does, there is no motivation to work things out.

You sound like a family that has a lot of strengths as well as one that has been tested. When I worked child and adolescent psych, that is the kind of family I was willing to invest extra time in as I felt they had the best chances of reconnecting with their child.

Also, we have an adult son whom we adopted. He was seriously abused as a young child and we went through many years of working to connect with him, insisting on safety and healthy choices as the passport to being close. He did several institutional stints and only recently was able to tell us that he needed those boundaries. He now has a pretty good relationship with us and says we did the right things to "civilize" him and help him learn to manage his anger. At times, we were highly misunderstood by people who thought we were just trying to get rid of him or felt we needed to give him a break (they had no idea how many he'd already been given).

In the end, you have to do what your gut tells you is the right thing, even though it might feel bad or others might accuse you of being too harsh. The distance keeps you safe physically. The love keeps all of you safe emotionally. The two can work well together.

One other thing. Kids who are sooooo angry are often really sooooo hurt. But feeling hurt feels too vulnerable. They repackage those wounds into something that feels more powerful, most often without understanding that this is what they're doing. A lot of these kids have broken hearts and are really grief-stricken on the inside. They need help to stop attacking and learn how to sit still and be sad. This takes time and people who care enough to give it. Wherever he ends up, write him lots of letters. This was one of the ways we finally were able to have some real communication with our son. Both he and we could say things on paper that we couldn't in person. He told us that he would read and re-read our letters many times over. They became a lifeline during his darkest times.

I wish you all the very best.

PM me if you want.

[leslie :-D]

You're not going to want to hear this, but here goes:

You need to get out. This young man is clearly unstable and has crossed the line from verbal to actual physical abuse. And now that he has, it's only going to get easier for him to do so again. It is only going to escalate. This isn't a child; he's a young man with a clear agenda against you (legitimate or not) who has chosen to be violent toward you; he will only grow physically stronger and more dangerous.

Since that incident, he should not be allowed in your home, particularly while you are alone.

Please pack your bags and leave before you become another statistic.

i haven't even read the the rest of this thread...

but this kid/man should not be welcome in your house anymore.

(did i read your dh felt bad about punishing him???)

get social services involved.

get him in a psyche unit.

even though that is short term, get the ball rolling to find him somewhere else to live.

this kid needs a swift kick in his butt, and in no uncertain terms, be told his behavior WILL NOT be accepted.

period.

find out where you can place him, since your home is no longer safe.

wishing you strength, support and love.

leslie

[leslie :-D]

btw, we went through this with our dd, for around 2 yrs.

she became violent, assaultive and out of control.

we did get dss involved (dept of social services).

we also sent her to psyche hosps, one after another- total of 6-7 in one yr.

as we found out, she was into drugs, which distorted and escalated her behaviors.

she is now living back at home, and doing well.

she lives by our rules, and the best part, no one is walking one eggshells.

she knows she is loved, very, very much.

but-

NO ONE should EVER live with a constant threat of being abused-mentally or physically.

obvious, your stepson has problems that are bigger than him.

and he needs help.

this does not mean that he has to remain in your house, while he receives it.

i'll tell you, these 'interventions' cost big $$...

something we did not have.

we used the resources available to us.

i have a feeling he's probably using.

the first step is to get him off this stuff.

dry him out.

inpatient will buy you 1-2 wks only.

but there are transitional units: after the acute but before being discharged home.

and before we let dd come home, we had social services coming and closely monitoring her.

it was a tough and long ride, but well worth it.

pm me, anytime, ann.

gentle hugs to you all.

leslie