Would parenting classes help a confused stepmom?!

PurrRN · Jan 27, 2008

Parenting has got to be one of the hardest jobs I've ever had to do. It's an exhausting merry-go-round of trying to do the right thing for them, you, and everyone else in the family. Can be quite difficult to navigate, and one that I'm constantly worried I'm going to mess up.

You don't mention if you have any children of your own, but I certainly think that parenting classes would be beneficial in either case.

Heck, I'd love to take some myself.

Have you tried counseling as a family?

I'd be very concerned that the situation has turned from verbally abusive to physical and you and your husband need to speak honestly about how it is going to be handled in the future before another incident happens and it escalates.

It's got to be tough trying to parent a child that is so angry. Best wishes to you and your family.

EmmaG, RN · Jan 27, 2008

He has been in trouble in school and will be expelled if he is suspended again. He has been in trouble for egging trailers. (And I'm not innocent, I did that when I was his age, but did not get caught!) Mom has been an instigating factor in this, I know. Now he says "He__ no I am not going to counseling again." Dad does disipline him when he screws up.
A week ago, he let loose with his usual filthy mouth regarding me, and his dad heard him. So then prob.child scratched me on my wrist and grabbed my deltiod so hard, I had bruises in the form of fingers. I do keep a record of everything and also took pictures of the injuries.

And what was your husband's reaction to this?

sissiesmama, ASN, RN · Jan 27, 2008

AngelaSN thanks for your reply so quickly! I do not have any children of my own, so I guess I am "flying by the seat of my pants" so to speak. Even though my dh and I have been married for 3 years, dh's ex was the "contributing factor" if you know what I mean. His ex has some serious issues, the 9 yr. old has seen "strange medicine" in the house and she has a long hx of ETOH and drug "use". Dh and I got custody FT and she got every other weekend. This is my weekend "off" from the kids. I could not love the boys any more if I had given birth to them.

I do since the incident sleep with my bedroom door locked in the early am after my DH has gone to work. I just wish the older one could be a little more like the 9 yr. old, but different personalities. Dh felt bad after punishing him, but you have to do what you have to do.

Thanks again!

Anne, RNC:spbox:

EmmaG, RN · Jan 27, 2008

You're not going to want to hear this, but here goes:

You need to get out. This young man is clearly unstable and has crossed the line from verbal to actual physical abuse. And now that he has, it's only going to get easier for him to do so again. It is only going to escalate. This isn't a child; he's a young man with a clear agenda against you (legitimate or not) who has chosen to be violent toward you; he will only grow physically stronger and more dangerous.

I do since the incident sleep with my bedroom door locked in the early am after my DH has gone to work.

Since that incident, he should not be allowed in your home, particularly while you are alone.

Please pack your bags and leave before you become another statistic.

DutchgirlRN, ASN, RN · Jan 27, 2008

Being a parent is the toughest job a person will ever do and I can't even begin to imagine being a stepmom to a very hurt and angry teenage boy.

I don't think parenting classes would hurt the situation but as I see it the help that is needed is professional psychological help for the child. I'm not talking starting out with counseling...I'm talking about inpatient therapy which would likely include prescription medications. He is obviously in pain and obviously crying out for help. My first step would be to contact your Employee Assistance Program (EAP) which is free and confidential. They would be better able to guide you.

The last thing the child needs is to be abondoned. I am sorry for what you, the child and his father are going through. (((((((HUGS)))))))

beachbum3 · Jan 27, 2008

I really think your husband should be stepping in and really light into him, I mean, REALLY severe punishment is in order here to get this boy in line.

If that doesn't work, my next suggestion is my ultimate last resort in extreme situations like this. My SO was sent off to military school when he was in high school- reasons why are a long story, but nothing really all that bad- he was doing typical high school stuff and his dad just wasn't going to have it, so he sent him. They will NOT put up with the bull your stepson is pulling, and will straighten him out pretty quickly. SO says now it was really good for him- great academics, very good college prep, and will instill discipline and teach angry kids to redirect their energy. Also, he says that the majority of his classmates went on to do good things with their lives and are successful today.

I think that major help is needed here- he is obviously a very angry kid.... I hope you can get the resolution you need.

TazziRN, RN · Jan 27, 2008

Anne, parenting classes are not going to help. The parenting is not the issue here. The child's anger is. He's got a lot of unresolved anger that is being fueled by the ex, and there's nothing that YOU can do to change that. HE needs to experience some tough love from his dad, and he needs to have an intervention done. You should be doing more than documenting, you should be pressing charges against this boy. Documenting isn't gonna do squat if you don't show the documentation to someone in authority, like the cops. It's gone beyond family harmony, this now involves your physical safety.

DutchgirlRN, ASN, RN · Jan 27, 2008

REALLY severe punishment is in order here to get this boy in line.
If that doesn't work, my next suggestion is my ultimate last resort in extreme situations like this. My SO was sent off to military school when he was in high school

Respectfully, I may be perceived as an oldie, but I have been around the block more than once and I don't see how severe punishment is going to make an angry young man feel any less angry. You don't beat down (and I don't mean physically) a person who is already at their lowest. Nor do you ship them off for someone else to deal with. The responsibility falls to the parent. Regardless I wouldn't be so quick to blame the mom or your dh. Where there is a divorce involved there is usually 2 people to blame.

SummerGarden, BSN, MSN, RN · Jan 27, 2008

Work on therapy LATER! As other posters have pointed out and as you already know this 15 year old is DANGEROUS! You are in a physically violent and verbally abusive relationship! What would you tell a patient in your situation??? Stick it out because you love him???

I have worked with kids with similar problems and the most important thing you can do right now is to separate yourself from this person immediately. You need to either remove him from the home (put him in a therapeutic group home or let him move out to live with a relative) or remove yourself from the home and wait for him to grow up and move out on his own. Whatever you choose it needs to happen NOW! The father (your husband) cannot protect you in this situation.... it is not possible unless the father is willing to call the police! And, yes... that needs to happen the next time he puts his hands on you!

**canoehead, BSN, RN** · Jan 27, 2008

If he puts his hands on you his whole world should come crashing down around him. Your husband needs to back you up totally on this, and be the guy that enforces this rule. No TV, no phone, no games, no visitors, totally unacceptable. He needs to earn his way back- and that should happen fairly quickly if it was a heat of the moment act. If it wasn't then you have bigger problems. Take a self defence course so you can act decisively if he attacks you again. If it does happen again you should make him regret his actions immediately. Let him know you won't put up with that behavior, verbal or physical abuse, ever. Give him specific words that are not to be used, in the heat of the moment, or consequences will result.

If your husband is not behind you 100% on this he needs a come-to-Jesus meeting, let him know you expect his support totally.

vashtee, RN · Jan 27, 2008

This boy is angry, and why shouldn't he be? His family is broken. He needs some professional help, whether or not he wants it. You wouldn't allow a diabetic child to refuse their insulin, would you?

It sounds like Dad needs some help learning how to be the person in charge. A child should not be allowed to make decisions that are not in their own best interest.

Also, speaking as someone who has raised step children, I suggest you allow this boy's father to do ALL of the parenting, and stop referring to him as a "problem child". Problem children are usually just the most visibly damaged people in the house, but the illness is widespread.